new and still in shock - sorry long

[olwen]

Hi all,

This is my first post here. I have been browsing for advice for a while and as i am still really struggling I thought I would try and get some advice. Sorry it will be long but is all relevant. Dh has had 2 'indiscretions' 1 minor one an EA and I would like advice on whether i have made the right decision in trying again?

Been married 13 yr together 18, since I was a teenager. I have always been 100% faithful and so had DH until 2 yr ago when he had a minor slip and again recently with an EA. I have to explain that ours is not an open and shut case. I have always had bouts of severe depression and anxiety but had well periods in between so it was not a huge issue. Then I was finally diagnosed with bipolar 2 last year which in some ways was a relief as it explained so much but in other ways it feels like a millstone around my neck. I also suffer social phobia and have not left the house alone in a year. I can go out if DH with me but not to busy places. I do everything i can to control my illness and the effect on my family is not huge as i am very good at smiling through the bad times. DH admits he blames my illness for many things but in truth when we look at it carefully it rarely is the bp causing problems.It's just a convenient excuse. I usually handle things pretty well. I still take care of family and house no matter how bad I feel and plaster a smile on my face when around DH and DC. The one bad effect it did have was I had no sex drive on my previous meds. The meds made me gain weight and dulled my responses so i will admit in the past 8 yrs, apart from when hypomanic, sex was hardly ever on the cards. Now however my meds have been changed, my sex drive is returning and things are looking up. Thank God it's not too late.

So these are my faults and my contributions to leadingDH to stray. I hold my hands up and take my share of the blame.

DH and I heave our email accounts together cos he can't be bothered reading through the rubbish and we were totally open with each other. We were honestly the closest couple I know after having been through so much and toughing it out. It brought us closer. Anyway, one morning 2 yr ago I got and email saying DH had a private message from a woman on facebook. It was covered in kisses and very familiar, so i had a look. She is a beautiful ex girlfriend. Slim and looks like a tough cookie, which DH loves. The messages made me feel sick. She was saying how her ex had left her and my DH was replying ' he must be crazy, you're gorgeous and any man would want to have you, if only I had the chance mmmmmmm, me tarzan you jane???' He gave her his mobile number and suggested they meet up sometime. Now to her credit, apart from the kisses, which were probably just friendly, she side stepped his advance by only replying briefly with a thank you and then changed the subject. When I discovered this I was very unwell and it hit me hard. He swore he just wanted to test the waters and see if anyone would still want him. We both blamed our lack of sex life and I gradually got over it. It never went any further. Although I do have a permanent reminder. I wanted a new tattoo and DH suggested DC name on my wrist. WHen I found about about this woman I checked her fb pic and it showed her posing with her arm behind her head with, you guessed it, her child's name on her wrist - ouch!

This time round DH started a new job and after a few weeks told me about this woman 6 yrs my junior, who had started working there. He told me she was in the bosses office and he didnt work with her. As the weeks past her name dropped into conversation quite often. A few weeks later DH was acting really cold and hard towards me, like jekyll and hyde! He was so distant I knew something was wrong and worried about him. He said my illness was ruining his life and our DC and he couldn't cope anymore, he deserved a life. HE asked for a break. I actually looked up local places he could stay for him but he changed his mind after many rows and tears. He declared it was a mid life crisis, nothing more and seemed to come back to me. I made more of an effort and we were happy. I sent him off on nights out so he wouldn't feel trapped. I started learning to do nails and was practising nail art and sending him photos of my work whilst he was at work. He told me he had shown them to her and she wanted me to do her nails. I said great i need all the practise i can get. Well cos of my social phobia he brought her round the night before i was going to be doing her nails so we could meet. I have never seen him look so uncomfortable when she stayed into the evening, well out staying her welcome. Nest day she came round, I did her nails and as we got chatting she told me strange things. Everything I told her, she already knew. She knew all about my illness, rows me and DH had been having and I actually told her I was jealous cos she is young slim and attractive, unlike me. Then she told me she is actually gay and i had nothing to worry about. She uses men and has half a dozen on the go at once but only for emotional relationships, she likes women for sex. Er ok, did I need to know that? It seems I did! She told me she hadn't told her colleagues cos 'men get so excited about me being gay, they all want threesomes' again, the alarm bells were dinging like mad. Again she outstayed her welcome - by 4 hours!!! She knew I was not comfy outside so she took herself off into my garden for her nails to dry, this was at DH suggestion as i was a nice day. I tried popping out with them but there was such an atmosphere I left them to it. He was burning rubbish and said ' i'd have a bbq but I a the only one who eats meat' She piped up - Ido! He said 'no i have painting to do' She said 'i'll help' he said no need. He was quite curt with her and eventually she stormed out in a huff when we started to get on with our evening and she was made to feel unwelcome. She was so strange and made us both uncomfortable. I also found out whilst she was here that DH is in fact her superior, she is his assistant and he has been training her and she sits right next to him in his office! He had not told me any of this.

I then got a call from my best friend asking if all was ok cos DH had told her DH he didn't know how much more he could stand of being with me when I am ill. I put 2 & 2 together and confronted him. DH said oh that was weeks ago, I was down and doing the mid life crisis bit, everything's fine now.I asked him about the insults he had been hurling at me lately about my weight and things and he apologised but said he wanted me to 'sort myself out'. It seemed that underneath it all he was still unhappy with me. So i confronted him with all I had been told by AP and best friend. He admitted they had a very close friendship and he needed her to be able to cope with living with my problems. She cheered him up, made him feel good etc. I asked various questions and found out they were texting 'occasionally' and he just liked her as a friend. I can't quite remember what happened next but gradually over the next few days I found out they were texting every night. I got really concerned then and asked to see his phone because he had not been leaving it lying around for weeks. It was clear, all messages deleted! I asked for the password to our phone account and he denied knowing it.

I woke up the next morning and found an email stating DH had succesfully changed both the password and email address the account was registered too. I rang him up and he refused to give it to me. He said 'its bad I don't want youy to see' He then changed his facebook details too. He came home from work and we had a blazing row where he ripped me to shreds. Stuff like 'i need help to cope with being with you' 'i have so much in common wth her' 'she makes me feel good' I'm not giving her up etc etc. He then said he was leaving me.

I am ashamed to say that after weeks of verbal abuse and lies I tried to kill myself.

At this point he ended the EA and came back to me. I was furious, didn't want him back. Hated him for what he had done. He gave me the password to the account and it turns out he was texting her from 7am until they were in work and from6pm to 2am the following day. This was on a rolling cycle. 750 texts in 6 weeks!!! He was even texting her whilst bathing our DC. The worst was when i found out one of the nights i sent him out he sent her 93 texts!! I suppose at least that shows she was nt with him. I was torn to ribbons. He then backed down and said he had been horrible to me because he felt so guilty and it was easier to blame me. He said it was not my fault and all he had said had just been to hurt me. Not true at all. He said he got angry cos he was defensive. He knew what he was doing was wrong but had justified it to himself as 'just friends'. Apparently a few time (and the records show this) he did try and stop it, but she always came back with ' it's just texting, just friends, you need the support. It turned out she was not giving advice as he had hoped she would but telling how he deserved better, needed his freedom etc etc. He got an ego boost from this so found it hard to let go. The records show that once I tried to kill myself the texting stopped. Although he did text her to let her know he wouldn't be in work cos i was in hospital. Before I did it i did send her a text asking what she was playing at and the reply cam back f off with your paranoia and issues, I will do what i like! DH said when he got to work she ran out to the car park screaming at him that i had no right to text her as she can be friends with whoever she likes and he could f off. He told me the following week she said to him, after meeting her and liking her it makes her seem real, I wish the last 6 weeks had never happened. Don't know what to make of that, she wasn't worried about trying to take my DH from me!

since then he has been very patient, answered all my questions. Assured me its me he loves and the only reason he wanted a break was to get her and me out of his head and get his act together. He says he feels relieved now it's over. he was feeling so guilty he lost a stone over those 6 weeks and kept losing his temper and saying he was leaving then begging me to forgive him and let him stay. He didn't knwo what to think or do cos she was constantly in his head with all the texts.He says he is glad it's all over as she was really getting on his nerves towards the end, they were even arguing. He says he was running from his responsibilites cos she made him feel he didn't have to answer to anyone but himself and that made him really unsettled and unsure. He says it's the worst thing he has ever done and will never repeat it now he knows what an EA is. He thought they just had a friendship until he realised she would not take no for an answer. He said at one point he was so uncomfortable he carried on texting out of fear she would tell me how serious their relationship was becomming. THere was never any sex or, he insists, physical attraction. He says he wanted someone to talk to and it escalated because she was always texting him. Then he started believing ehat she was saying about how he would be better away from his family and got really resentful of me and DC, then he realised something was not right with their friendship and tried to stop it but she would not stop texting. so rather than have a row he carried it on in case she told me and he justified his actions to himself that it was just texting. He told me he never really believed that just told himself so he could continue and keep his ego boost and not rock the boat.

He is still working closely with her. His job is well paid and we could never manage if he left. He said he confronted her with the phone account and said look how extreme it was, no more, just business from now on, I am going to make things work with my family. SHe agreed. SHe did text once more but he told me immediately and refused to reply. When she asked in the morning at work apparently he told her that he would not answer any more texts. He has not text her in two weeks now. he comes home for his lunch now rather than eat in the office with her. He rings me when they have a smoke break rather than talk to her. He is still quiet with me but says it's cos he is struggling with the guilt of what he has done to me the past 2 months and it will take a while before he can live with himself comfortably. He is also emailing me a lot from work to show he is thinking of me not her. He says things like her perfume makes me sick, I hate everything about her. She got in my head at a weak point and turned me against my family.

I am sorry this is so long and if anyone manages to read through it please get yourself a nice cuppa and some choccy as a reward:o basically I needed to get it off my chest and ask,have i done the right thing in forgiving him and working on our marriage? Or am I being a mug? I think I have done the right thing but am so scared he will do it again. He swears he has chosen me and will be more cautios with women in future as he did not set out for this to happen. It crept up on him when he fell for her flattery and the free life she was painting for him. He says he has realised he would hate life without us and is totally commited to total fidelity and honesty from now on. I think he means it cos the have a visitor at work today and are all going for a meal at lunch time. He told me he will let her go in first and sit down and he will sit as far from her as possible. It looks to e like he is really trying.

Am i falling for a load of nonsense or should I trust him??

X O

[waterwoman]

Hi

 

Sorry to hear you are in this position.

 

Only you know your H so are in a better position than us to know if it's all bullsh*t or not. What is your gut feeling? Personally a lot of what you said sounds reasonable - H distanced himself from me towards the end of the affair - he said he felt so guilty particularly as his two worlds were beginning to collide! He was utterly vile to the children and I - the memory still hurts.

 

This OW sounds pretty unpleasant. I guess he might be quite pleased to be rid of her.

 

I am also depressed and have been on meds on an off (mostly on) for about 13 years. The weight gain and lack of libido is a killer I have huge sympathy for people living with depressives - it can't be fun - but even so, marriage is meant to be for better or worse and if you can't rely on your spouse for support who can you?

 

Are you considering MC? Perhaps IC for him.

[Spark1111]

well she sounds like a total nut job who admits to using men ......sheesh.

 

And with all his gas lighting, no wonder you went a little crazy. Sorry, he doesn't sound very stable either.

 

I would take it very slowly, very cautiously one day at a time.

 

Protect you and nourish you first; your child second.....he can remain a distant third for as long as it takes you to feel safe and secure.

 

I think both of you would benefit from counseling. As long as your illness becomes and remains his recycle bin for all that ails him, how is that going to work for a happy future together?

[Jonah]

If you want to feel better, eat right and exercise. Take care of business. Take care of YOU. Nevermore everyone rises chaos. That is their problem. You see yours, be very glad of that. You are leaps and bounds above everyone you described here. With that, you are elk on your way to finding peace.

 

Sorry that I can't help you dwell on the drama. But I wouldn't want to waste your time our mine. Its always a moot point no matter the situation.

[Athens]

Jonah is right- take care of you- since our DDay I have been taking care of myself- I have dropped 2 jean sizes and since I take time to take care of me, my skin looks better, I am in better shape, I took care of some long neglected "maintenance" items-in addition, I am taking care of the inside too-yoga, meditation, reading, relaxing, destressing- it sounds odd but I feel more in control than ever even though I still have rough days and bad thoughts- I am a lean, mean, fighting machine and what I am fighting for is ME-my peace and happiness- as long as you are your focus and you know you want to save your marriage, proceed-if you are doing this for other reasons-re-examine and center yourself-

 

Take care and hang tough-

[Artie Lang]

first of all, stop calling it an "indiscretion(s)." it's called CHEATING where i come from.

Edited May 1, 2013 by Artie Lang

[olwen]

Hi everyone,

 

I just wanted to say that after my husbands flirting on facebook and his 6 week EA with his assistant at work we were at breaking point. It's scary how fast things change though.

 

My dad was due to visit his sisters in Wales on Monday of this week. He did not arrive. I am virtually housebound and don't drive. I contacted my husband and asked him to go over to my dad's house and check all was ok.

 

Sadly, he found him dead on his bed. He had died 4 days previously. I am heartbroken. He would have been 67 on Tuesday.

 

I have to say dealing with the affair has gone out of the window. I don't think I have to deal with it because of the way my husband has dealt with things. If he did not love me he could not have taken charge the way he has. He has been truly amazing.

 

My elder brother is next of kin but he is stuck in Scotland due to finance. Husband has sent him money so he can get down for the funeral. H found my dad's body, arranged getting what everyone wanted from the house to remember my dad by. He arranged funeral, cancelling benefits and utilities - all the stuff involved wheh someone dies.

 

His heart is broken too, he idolised my dad. Every morning he has climbed into bed with me (after waking early to deal with our son) so i would not wake alone and face the realisation you get every morning on waking.

 

He has been there for me utterly and completely. My neighbour said I should let him do this for me - her words were, let him do this for you and make it all up to you.

 

It sounds silly but i think this is what he is doing as well as out of respect for my dad.

 

Affairs are awful and I am ashamed to say I grieved just as much over that as i am over dad. But in the grand scheme of things it could be so much worse. We will R after affair but I will never get my dad back.

 

Not sure why I have written this. I just needed to get ot out cos my emotions are all over the place. One minute I am crying over dad, the next over affair. One minute I am intensely grateful to H, the next his actions during EA are running through my head. i no longer feel the bitterness though and am obviously no longer angry with him. The thoughts are still there though. I didnt think i would have space in my head after losing dad. Its all getting muddled together.

 

How on earth am i meant to deal with it all at once and make sense of it?

 

I also had a letter on monday saying a mole i had removed was a basal cell carcinoma - it's not serious its cancerous but this type don't spread. Still a shock though and i need further treatment to ensure all cancer cells have gone.

 

It's just all too much. I am tempted to ignore affair and just deal with the other stuff. Help, what do i do?

 

X

Edited May 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaraMaiden]

Your Mole: Put yourself first.

Your father's death: Put yourself first.

Your H's affair: Put yourself first, first.

 

Prioritise.

 

You have needs at the moment. You're going to have to tell your H.

 

"I have so much going on now, my head is spinning.

I'm sorry if it sounds selfish, but at present, I can't think of anything else but safeguarding my sanity.

For a while, I'm going to think about me, what I need, what I want and how I am going to process all of this.

I know we still have this affair situation to deal with. It's not all over yet.

But for now, everything is on a back-burner until I feel mentally equipped to be able to face things head on.

Thank you so much for all your support and hard work. I know it's been tough on you, and i can see how you've pulled out all the stops to be a rock to me. I really appreciate it, and I can see how much you love me through this.

I can't just put everything behind me and pretend it's all ok, because it isn't. But bear with me, Work with me and what I need from you, and we will see this through together."

 

I'm sorry for your loss.

Remember to take all the time you need.

[Spotme]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself during this emotional storm. I'm glad your H is showing you that there is a foundation for the two of you to rebuild on.

[olwen]

and now he finally tells me he had strong feelings for both of them. Worse still he says the reason he didn't tell me ow had moved into his office and he was training her was because i would get jealous. I flipped my lid over that one! I mean I obviously DID have a reason to be jealous didn't I! Then I looked at the phone records and discovered the affair started the very first day she was in his office. I didn't know this before because he came home one night and told me the date she had started in his office, trying to tell me it had not been going on that long. WRONG! All he proved was as soon as a young woman put in front of him he can't say no.

 

I am in bits and all he can say is he is sick of my moods being up and down and yesterday things were good so why i am upset again.

 

He admits he wanted his cake and to eat it, he admits that 'at the time' they meant more to him than me. He admits to telling himself he was protecting me by keeping me in the dark when in truth he was protecting his ow and his own desires.

 

I have now discovered he doesn't consider it a lie to only answer the question asked eg if I ask did you sleep together he thinks it's reasonable to deny it, but that doesn't mean he would confess to kissing her. He doesn't think lies of ommision count. What an idiot!

 

Told him he better keep his distance from me for a few days and he snapped 'oh right shall i throw your flowers away then,you obviously don't want them & I take it you're going to your Dad's funeral alone, you obviously don't want me there.'

What a D**K

 

So angry right now. Have told him i will not only nevertrust him again now but he doesn't have to worry about me being jealous cos i could not care less. I know what he is like now and am not putting myself through this a week after losing my dad.

 

How could he be like this after being so great at sorting everything about my dad, the house papaerwork, even finding his body. I don't get how he can be so good in some ways but completely self absorbed in others.

 

I told him I won't be second choice anymore and seeing as he has already eaten his cake he won't be getting seconds from me. X

[BetrayedH]

I think she's getting trickle-truthed, big-time. She'll find out it was a PA.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm not condoning your husband's cheating in any way, but in all fairness, what kind of life do you offer him when you can't even step out onto your front porch and take a walk down the block? What kind of life do you offer him when he has no clue what kind of mood you're going to be in every day? What kind of life is it when years and years go by with zero sex and intimacy?

 

You don't think that gets real old after a while? You had to send HIM to your dad's house because you couldn't do it yourself. That alone should be incentive to start working on these issues of yours instead of just accepting them.

 

I'm sorry, but everyone's acting as though your husband is supposed to be thrilled about this crappy life he has to live day after day after day after day after day and that he should just support this crap day in and day out.

 

But it slowly sucks one's soul from them after awhile.

 

In all fairness, you need to step up and stop acting as though you're the only one who has any needs in this marriage. He has them, too.

 

Oh for goodness' sake, if he had needs maybe he should have aired them before he had his affairs.

 

Phukk's sake man up and get pro-active! (talkin' about the H here!)

 

This woman's father has just died, she's found that a mole on her back is cancerous, and you're saying he has needs?

 

Yeah.

Right now, he needs a size 11 Doc Martens in his vegetable patch.

Edited May 19, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[olwen]

Just a poster - You really don't know the whole deal. My original post the first thing i did was explain my faults and how they affected the marriage. Part of the reason for no sex was my meds affected my sex drive. Have you ever tried to make love when your body has shut down onyou and you can't get any feeling going. We tried and hubby said never again. It waslike making love to a stranger as i had previously had a good sex drive. The other reason was he can be incredibly moody, snappy, arrogant and aggressive. That's how even his mother describes him. It's hard to feel sexual when someone is treating you like dirt one miunte then snappong and ignoring the next.

 

He will storm round house in a sulk all day. Not speak to me - i usually get grunts - walk out of the room while i am trying to talk to me. Would you feel like sex after that? I tried keeping the emotional side together but he neverpout the effort in with me.

 

I have disabilities. Bipolar 2, anxiety and social and agoraphobia. Yes it's hard to leave the house but aslong as i am not alone i can certainly walk around the block. I also found i can go out with him on the motorbike as people may look at the big woman on the bike at laugh but they can't see my face. So we do that when we can.

 

I cook and clean etc. I look after my family but yes errands do fall on him as a couldn't do it.

 

Does this sound like a baad wife hmmm last year I bought him the bike, arranged for his and son to have a long weekend in the lakes camping. This year i doped myeslf up so we could have a family holiday in a quiet cottage in wales. Yes i stayed in the cottage but made sure they had there fun and freedom.

 

I also looked up my husbands favourite bands and sent him for a night out to the pub to see them. he spent the whole night sending her over 90 texts. He text me 4 times.

 

I was trying to explain that we both played out part but you have jumped in and assumed because of my problems I don't even try so it's my fault. I take my meds, i keep mood diaries, i go to all my appointments and amm currently taking two mood stabilisers which are heavy drugs and an anti depressant. These leave me exhausted and feeling ill. I STILL welcome both my son and husband home with a smile even if i have been in tears all day. You learnt o do these things for their sake. Not once have i given into my illness and not got up and done my chores.

 

he has been much nicer to me since my dad died and has rallied around but i know it won't last, i can see that after yesterday. I was going through dads things and crying over him and the fact hubby had lied again. He stormed up the stairs screaming that he had had enough, he wanted to comfort me but can't cos i am mad about the lie. He flipped and started punching walls then ignored me for hours cos he had hurt his hand. He won't get checked and insists its broken even though he can use it. He bellowed at me that i had been fine with him sonce a week after dday so why the hell am i crying again, I can't keep bringing it up etc etc.

 

You can think what you like justaposter but I know I have given all I can and its never enough.

[olwen]

Oh and i did go to he house, only managed once but i did it.

 

We do have regular sex since i came off the one med that caused the problem. Previously i ad asked gp's for help. They refused to take me off them as i was too ill and they had misdiagnosed me for 8 years as depressed.

 

I kept telling the dr's the lack of sex was going to ruin my marriage but they didn't help until i started seeing a psychiatrist.

 

I think it is very unfair to blame me when i have supprted him when being ill myself. He has not even read info i gave him on bipolar. I was only diagnosed in ocotober so i am still coming to terms with it. An affair was the last thing i needed to cope with.

 

Until you have walked a mile in my shoes don't judge me harshly.

[BetrayedH]

Regardless of what you could have done better in the marriage, you are not to blame for your husband's affair. He had the choice to either fix his marriage or leave it. He selfishly chose to do neither and to instead just pretend that he was single while he was married. You didn't get a vote on that.

 

As for getting over it, someone should tell your husband that this typically takes 2-5 years. He's about 1/2 a decade early on his temper tantrum. If you had an affair, would he be ok if you told him to stop bringing it up?

 

He's not truly remorseful and that should be a big deal to you.