Marriage in jeopardy due to male "friend" with an agenda

[Ladyjane14]

I'm now saying that you should pursue divorce or legal separation,

 

Excuse the typo please! Imeant: "I'm NOT saying...." Oooops!

[Devildog]

I can be a very spiteful person. Right now I have gotten the impression that she wants a divorce, but she doesn't want to be the one at fault. She wants me to get ticked off and be the one to file. That way she can try to pretend that it wasn't her fault. She was trying, I asked for the divorce. She has been pretending that the problems are my fault, that she did nothing wrong with allowing this other guy to come over to my house after I left for work. She doesn't want to face the blame and the reality that this is probably 90% her fault. So no, I won't file for divorce or legal seperation. She is going to face the reprecussions of HER choice. She will have to face the world with the world knowing that she is the one who destroyed and disrespected our marriage and our family. I will not take that blame on myself.

 

The reality that she hasn't accepted yet is that her family knows what is going on, that she is the one at fault here and that she is being an idiot for throwing away a good husband and what would be a great marriage if she wasn't being so selfish and childish.

[Gatsby]

Sorry to jump in at this late time, but, WOW! Dude, I just read the story of my divorce. Yes, DIVORCE! It's over. Get out now with some sanity left. She does not want to change.

 

I went through mostly the same thing only my ex's BF was at work which made for a convienient excuse to keep talking to him. She is having an affair, an emotional affair. You have every reason to be jealous and angry. I reacted the same as you - trying not to be upset, telling myself it was my problems that made her do it. And your wife is acting just like mine did. Won't talk to anyone close to her except her good "friend."

 

It sounds like you're to the point of realization that it's over. You've told her how you feel and how you are ready to make your marriage better. You've addressed the issues in your life that needed work. You've been more than understanding with reagards to her problems. Now it's time to let it go. By that I mean let her know one final time where you stand and what you're willing to do to salvage the marriage. Then tell her it's her choice. Sometimes the only choice we have is how to respond to others acitons..You are right that you have no control over the situation. So let her make her choice and live with it. I think we all know what that choice will be.

 

Keep your head high, brother. You didn't give up, she did.

[Ladyjane14]

How's it going? Are you making any progress?

[Devildog]

Progress? I guess you could say that. I have realized that I have started to lose my grip on reality regarding what is going on in my marriage. This has caused the situation to detiriorate. I realized this morning that I do need help with the issues I have been going through and am going to seek professional help. This is about the only hope left for me to salvage any relationship with my wife.

 

She is a wonderful person and I have said alot of terrible things about her and done alot of stupid things throughout this whole scenario.

[Guest]

Devildog, your story sounds similar to mine, except we are still living together and everything seems to be getting better. About 3 weeks ago, my wife's aunty died, she was very upset and I did everything I could to help her. The night of her aunty's funeral, they was an 'after party' of sorts after the wake. She bumped into an old male friend of hers which she hasn't seen since we have been together (5 years). Anyway, she got his number etc at the time. The next day (out of the blue) she said she was not happy with out marriage, and that her heart hadn't been in it for a long time. It absolutely devasted me.

 

During the following week after her announcement, she had starting calling and messaging her male friend quite often. Always why I was not around, and then deleting the evidence from her phone. I took our family away on a vacation for a week (we also have a 3 yo son together) and everything was great. She said she believed in our marriage, and still loved me deeply. This was very positive and my attitude was great.

 

However, since getting back from our vacation (2 weeks ago), she has resumed her contacting of her male friend. I spoke to her about this, and said it may me feel uncomfortable etc. She said that I had nothing to worry about, and that she loved me. This is still happening today, except over the last couple of days things seem to have taken a downward spin, she blew up at me the other night for no reason. I handled it well, and was calm etc and didnt respond back. She still continues to message and call this guy when I am not around, but I don't want to hassle her about it, for fear of things going back to how things were a couple of weeks ago.

 

I think about it all day, and have grown really suspicious of her. I track her numbers and where she goes etc and I feel really bad for doing so. Is there anything that I can do? I know conselling might work, so I will investigate that - but anything else? I dont think she is having a physical affair, but it definately looks like an emotional affair to me...

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Devildog

Progress? I guess you could say that. I have realized that I have started to lose my grip on reality regarding what is going on in my marriage. This has caused the situation to detiriorate.

 

I'm confused. What's going on that you feel like you're losing your grip?

 

I realized this morning that I do need help with the issues I have been going through and am going to seek professional help. This is about the only hope left for me to salvage any relationship with my wife.

 

I thought you were already working with a counselor on this. But if you're not, I think this would be a great idea.

 

She is a wonderful person and I have said alot of terrible things about her and done alot of stupid things throughout this whole scenario.

 

I think it's natural to have good days and bad days in your situation. Don't beat yourself up too much about it. You've been getting alot of mixed signals from her, and you're trying to make sense of a situation that is probably confusing for BOTH of you. Hang in there.

[Devildog]

ladyjane, read back through my posts. I have bounced from optimism and hope to full out anger and back again. When we do talk on the phone I say stupid things that I know are not true and don't help the situation at all. When I am alone and thinking calmly I know the things I say are not true. And I don't know why something keeps over riding my logic when I talk to her about these things.

 

I was talking with a priest in order to get a grip on some of my issues, but he stated he isn't a counselor, he can listen, and that helps, but it isn't getting anything resolved with what I am going through.

 

The problem right now is when I do talk to her I am saying and doing some mean hurtful things. That is all she has been knowing of me lately and it is driving the situation further to divorce. I need to get this issue under control if I am to have any chance of getting my marriage back together and get us back into a happy place in our marriage.

 

On the plus side she did finally admit that alot of what was going on with this friend of hers was inappropriate. If she would have admitted that along time ago it would have helped difuse this situation tremendously.

 

Right now she is physically afraid that I may get so angry I lose control and hurt her. I wouldn't do that but I need to get these issues under control for her to feel safe with me again.

[abstrac631]

Hey, Luckily I've fount this site! Devil, i'm going threw the same kind of things with my wife. My wife started seeing a co worker and they've been together now OFF and On for a year. I'm 32 and my wife is 25 but the age difference hasn't played a part in relating with each other (i hope). When i fount she was seeing this guy (new years eve) a 23 year old jerk i was cool as a cat. I told her i didn't care if she was seeing him because what we had was much greater. We've been married for 3years and have a 2 yr old girl together. She hit the ceiling when i told her that she started throwing things at me and cursed and screamed at me. I love my wife and my dream was to spend the rest of my life with her. She left me though the next day. I cried and begged for her to come back home. I dropped maybe 10 pounds and my world became a cold day in hell. She was having the time of her life with this kid. I don't know how this women could do this to me. well, six months past and she made a short attempt to come back home. It only turned out to be a booty call for her. We slept together and after two days she was gone again. She wants a divorce and filed for one. She's stopped my visitation with my daughter until i've signed the paper. It has been five months since I had my daughter on a overnight stay. I've been having a lot of financial problems since she's been gone. I feel if your wife is still not willing to work things out with you the best thing for you to do is move on emotionally. re-direct your feelings away from her. A women will do whateva she wants to do. I'm still heart broken and i can relate to you in a lot of ways. If she has him on the side you should think smarter than her. he's just waiting for the kill any given moment your wife gets upset with you he's there for her. Just like the Jerk that's running around New York with my wife. Their Loser's that have found easy pray, man. The best thing to do is MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY!!!! I'm trying to get back on my feet. And, I hope you can do that for the both of US! I still love my wife but i know if she leaves me for good there's has got to be a women i can be happy with. Good Luck to you we have much bigger hearts than our cheating spouses. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP. ttyl

[Devildog]

Well, had my first session with the psychologist today. I think it will be a big help. She picked up on alot of the issues my wife has been telling me were problems. I think this will help out the situation.

 

My wife has stated recently that she has pretty much made up her mind about divorce. The psychologist suggested that I ask her to just kind of hold off on making any decisions right now and see how things go with the therapy. I asked my wife this and while she sounded frustrated she didn't say no either. So there is still some hope.

 

I did find out that I am fighting some pretty steep odds in this though. The divorce rate among couples who have lost a young child is over 90%.

[Ladyjane14]

Well, had my first session with the psychologist today. I think it will be a big help. She picked up on alot of the issues my wife has been telling me were problems. I think this will help out the situation.

 

I'm glad that the session went well. Therapy can be uncomfortable at first because it demands honesty. And the fact that your therapist "picked up on the issues" suggests that you went in with an open heart. Good for you!

 

Try to keep in mind though that you are doing this for YOU. If you focus your efforts on reconciliation with your wife as your ultimate goal, you are letting yourself in for possible discouragement. No matter the outcome on the marriage, you can be content that you did all you could to resolve your end of the marital problems.

 

It ends up being less emotional baggage to carry into the future no matter what that future entails.

 

It's okay to hang on to "hope" though. It took a long time for the relationship to degrade. It might take a long time to heal it too, particularly since you can only control your end of it.

 

[Devildog]

Well, I am expecting it to be a long haul if things do work out. There is alot of damage that needs to be repaired and I can only control my side of the issues. I think if she gives things a little time it can work out. I'm not asking her to do anything. She doesn't need to try to change as well, she doesn't need to go to counseling with me, all I ask is that she just kind of take a wait and see approach to this. Just don't go further away. Stay right where things are at.

[Devildog]

Well, this is an interesting but not unexpected turn of events.

 

Remember in the begining of this I mentioned this "friend" of hers that was a major part of the problem? Remember also that I mentioned we live in a small community? A small predominantly Catholic community?

 

This "friend" of hers has a small business with his brother, and they also work for his father who owns his own business. This being a small town everyone pretty much knows what is going on, and needless to say this "friend" is now veiwed as a piece of scum in the community. His business is tanking and his father's business is suffering because the community is taking their business elsewhere over this.

 

Now all of a sudden this "friend" is trying to back out of the picture. Even his brother who was egging the situation on has asked my wife not to talk to him anymore. He had no qualms about damaging my marriage, but when his pocketbook is getting hurt he suddenly has guilt and remorse. Aww, couldn't have happened to a more deserving piece of crap.

 

So I am supposed to believe this "friend" suddenly had an epiphany and realized his actions were inappropriate? Unless he is borderline mentally handicapped he knew all along it was inappropriate. He just didn't care until it affected him financially.

 

It's nice to see karma working so quickly.

[Ladyjane14]

It's nice to see karma working so quickly

 

:lmao:

 

How'd you find out about all of that?

[Devildog]

I spoke with her sister last week. I was actually kind of floored when I talked to her. She is trying to convince my wife that she has been acting childish and selfishly and that the friend issue was absolutely inappropriate. She is trying to get my wife to give the marriage every opportunity and do everything she can to resolve the issue. I never really got along with her sister that well. So it really suprised me that she is turning out to be my strongest ally in the situation.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm glad you're getting so much support. When a person is really confused like your wife is, and resistant to therapeutic intervention, it can be helpful to see that the ones you love most are united in the same opinion. Hopefully, she'll see it that way.

[sherell]

devildog, Just from my own experience, my husband refused to go for therapy for almost 3 months when we separated. He was just so so confused and unclear about what was going on for him, that he could not possible focus on trying to work on repairing our marriage. Time and space apart is what worked for him, and knowing that I was not ready to throw in the towel so fast. I knew that this was my opportunity to really work on my issues, and own up to my part of the demise of our relationship. In the beginning I resisted so much, I wanted to blame him for everything that went wrong thru the years, and after all he wanted to leave, I wanted to work at it. After awhile in therapy, I seemed to have one ephinany after another. I started to take responsibility, and really understanding things about myself that I really never wanted to admit or see (major anger stuff). It was a wonderful release for me and him!! I really believe him seeing some major changes in me, created change for him, and the desire to work on our marriage together. All I am trying to say to you is just give her the space right now and work on you. You seem from your posts, like a wonderful, deep, caring person. Focus on yourself right now. In time you will know if you and your wife were meant to be. We are here to support you

[Devildog]

I appreciate all the support.

 

I have reached the point where I am okay either way she decides to go. If she decides she doesn't want to look at herself and her issues and ignore everything that I am trying to do to save our marriage, I can move on without regret. I will still be ticked off because she is trying to run away from any guilt that she rightly deserves.

 

And if she decides she is ready to try getting things back together great. But at that point she will have to show me that she is ready to work on her own issues in the relationship. Issues like her lack of respect for me. Or her tendency to not make me a top 5 priority in her life.

 

I am just past the point where she can hurt me emotionally anymore.

[Ladyjane14]

Oddly, soon after a man makes peace with the situation, that's when she'll begin to find him attractive again.

 

I suppose it's about being more relaxed, less emotional. Then the interesting man that she first met often reemerges.

 

Unfortunately, for her it's sometimes too late by then.

[Devildog]

I don't know if she is finding me a re-emerged interesting man or not. I think it is making her mad because she can't use me as a scapegoat so easily like this.

 

Besides, she seems to have already moved on to her next relationship being as she never stopped contact with the "friend".

[Ladyjane14]

All I'm saying is that the longer you can hold-the-door-open for her, the better shot you'll have at putting your family back together.

 

The attractive, interesting man is the one that so often makes a woman who decided to separate because she's just not as happy as she could be change her mind. There's always room for regret later when a person acts in haste.

 

I've thought for a long time that you were getting a bum-rap in all of this. So, if she does later decide that she wants you back, I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect her to offer up her half of the relationship work.

 

[Devildog]

Oh, I know she will be filled with regret down the road if we divorce. This "friend" doesn't really want a long term relationship. And he probably wouldn't put up with a quarter of the issues I have put up with.

 

Yeah, she has done a hell of a job of making me out to be the bad guy for having a problem with my wife running around with another man.

 

She has alot of growing up to do to if she wants to get back together.

[Devildog]

Had a somewhat interesting weekend. It was my weekend with our daughter for starters. I have been in a pretty good mood and place lately. So I was really upbeat when I went to pick her up. Even gave her a kiss on the cheek as I was saying good-bye. My wife on the other hand really seems to be unhappy with what is going on.

 

Personally, I think this is because she is very stubborn and HATES to be wrong. And with this situation she hasn't been able to find anyone to agree with her that what she has done is right or appropriate. I think it is driving her nuts. Maybe soon she will be ready to realize that she has been unfair and realize her part of the problem here. She seems to be close to the breaking point in this. Keep your fingers crossed.

 

My mother-in-law called this afternoon having heart palpitations and needed a ride to the ER. Since I was the only person nearby she called me. I of course did it without any questions or hesitation. I figure it can't hurt me by still being reliable and caring where her family is concerned.

[missopinionated]

Sounds like you've done a good job identifying some of your own significant issues.

 

There is nothing as scary as being around someone who loses it on a regular basis, because you never know when losing it becomes beating the shxxt out of the other person.

 

There's a foundation to your profound anger and finding out what that is will go a long way to getting you past that whole freaking out thing.

 

As for the losses you and your wife have suffered, those are devastating for sure but they cannot be the things that hold you back. People can drown for the rest of their lives in the sorrows they suffer. THey can also recognize that they are like everyone else on the planet: people in your family and among your friends will die. THat's life.

 

The separation is a good idea. It may be a permanent separation, and that's also life. She is not the only person you'll love and you are not the only person she'll love either.

 

Life your gaze up from the tragedies of the recent past and have a life. Otherwise, you'll wake up an angry, bitter 80 year old.

[Devildog]

missopinionated, not sure where you got the idea I have frequent outbursts of profound anger? I don't tend to blow up over nothing. The only blow up of anger during this separation was due to the fact that I asked her not to talk to this friend while we were trying to get our marriage straightened out and she was still talking to him on a daily basis. Otherwise I hardly even raise my voice unless we get into a really heated arguement.

 

But it is something I have been working on, how to deal with the problems and issues in a calm rational manner. Just because I say something louder doesn't make it more right.

 

The loss of a child is a beast that few people understand. If you have never experienced it you can not understand what it is like. We both still continue on with life, but there will be sadness for the rest of our lives. Our daughter would have been 10 months old tomorrow. She would have probably been walking now. That is something we don't get to see.