rolo99 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 For those that don't remember, here's my original post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/386641-broken-half-missing-my-best-friend#post4800827 The divorce is still in process. We go to (mandatory) mediation Jun 18. I haven't seen him since I walked into the wine store we partially own, a little over a month ago....saw him...and walked right back out. I've since learned to cruise the parking lot for his car before I go in. I guess I'm getting better because I've gone from crying several times a day to almost a week without crying. What has helped? Well....a combination of my therapist, my girlfriends and a fling with a friend & former co-worker. Not sure if or where that will go, but it was HUGELY validating and healing my "loser" feelings. Friends can be helpful in another way. LOL! That was this past Monday. I had a goofy grin until today, when I had an unrelated meltdown. Although the meltdown sucks, it was nice to have a week of being happy, when I thought I would never be happy again.
Bunnyrabbit Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 I happened to see this when I was in need to hear this! May I ask you how long you were married? If you've read any of my posts here you know that I'm too facing divorce. We are not quite there yet but dancing around the subject so far. But like Dr. Phil would say "we are divorced but haven't filed the papers yet". I know we have to go through with it but it's so very hard when you still have feelings for him. Also, I hate to give up our money to lawyers but I realize I need someone to look out for my own interests. We talked about mediation and my husband is saying right now that he will always take care of me and look out for my best interest. But that's only talk because if I would to bring up the pension that he has he wouldn't want to share that even though I'm entitled to it. So much for looking out for me....I've been crying every day for weeks and today I had a breakdown and felt like I didn't even want to live anymore. The pain of all this is too much to bear and I don't feel strong enough to go through with this. It hasn't even started yet and I feel like it's too much. So to hear that you are on your way to feeling better gave me hope and I want to congratulate you on your way to recovery and thank you for sharing with us. I hope I can somehow get there......
coaches24 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 I happened to see this when I was in need to hear this! May I ask you how long you were married? If you've read any of my posts here you know that I'm too facing divorce. We are not quite there yet but dancing around the subject so far. But like Dr. Phil would say "we are divorced but haven't filed the papers yet". I know we have to go through with it but it's so very hard when you still have feelings for him. Also, I hate to give up our money to lawyers but I realize I need someone to look out for my own interests. We talked about mediation and my husband is saying right now that he will always take care of me and look out for my best interest. But that's only talk because if I would to bring up the pension that he has he wouldn't want to share that even though I'm entitled to it. So much for looking out for me....I've been crying every day for weeks and today I had a breakdown and felt like I didn't even want to live anymore. The pain of all this is too much to bear and I don't feel strong enough to go through with this. It hasn't even started yet and I feel like it's too much. So to hear that you are on your way to feeling better gave me hope and I want to congratulate you on your way to recovery and thank you for sharing with us. I hope I can somehow get there...... Are you going to counseling ? Your feelings of not wanting to live while fairly common are also very alarming. It's something you definitely want to seek help for to make sure those feelings don't get stronger. You have a long way to go to get through and then past the bad that is happening to you now and talking to a counselor could do a lot to help you cope with your emotions and get to a better place on your mind and life.
Steadfast Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 I guess I'm getting better because I've gone from crying several times a day to almost a week without crying. What has helped? Well....a combination of my therapist, my girlfriends and a fling with a friend & former co-worker. Not sure if or where that will go, but it was HUGELY validating and healing my "loser" feelings. Friends can be helpful in another way. LOL! That was this past Monday. I had a goofy grin until today, when I had an unrelated meltdown. Are you sure it was unrelated? Being a therapist, part of me suspects you'll be resistant to advice. I'm not picking a fight here...but I have to wonder; do you believe having a sexual 'fling' is going to help you in the long run? I can't imagine that you would, even if I understand the need for validation. I missed your original post, but FWIW I believe you did the right thing by filing. Even if you somehow could reconcile, it would never work unless your husband respects your position of not wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" is classic/modern cheater prose that'll leave you hanging. Step on it. "Doing better" and "feeling better" are good goals to have, but trying to dampen the pain with outside validation will slow your healing. Your pain is a natural byproduct of betrayal and rejection and therefore, not something you should focus on ridding at all costs. Yes, we all must get to a place where we can function and regain productivity, but those things must work from the inside out...not the outside in. Eventually, that path will take you right back to where you were. It's superficial healing. It won't last. Eat well and rest. Charge your batteries and take on one problem at a time. Consider this a wonderful opportunity to learn and grow as a person.
Cierra351 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 (edited) Also, I hate to give up our money to lawyers but I realize I need someone to look out for my own interests. We talked about mediation and my husband is saying right now that he will always take care of me and look out for my best interest. But that's only talk because if I would to bring up the pension that he has he wouldn't want to share that even though I'm entitled to it. So much for looking out for me.... As someone who has recently been through this, please take my advice--now is not the time to put your blind trust into him as your relationship is ending. I don't know your background, and he very well may be a kind and trustworthy person in your relationship now, but the fact of the matter is that your current relationship is ending and you'll be dealing with each other in new roles soon. You can't anticipate or have any guarantees as to what this will entail. The promises of the past to take care of you and look out for your best interests were made at a different time, under different circumstances. Even if he is still saying so recently, those circumstances will continue to change and his priorities will shift in ways you can't even imagine now. I never imagined that the man that I purposely created a baby with 7 months ago, who promised to always take care of me and right before we parted ways said he would support me through school, etc. would be the same man who would kick me out of our home, cut me off financially and prioritize a woman he barely knows over his own family, but it happened. Thankfully I took the advice of friends and family who warned me to get things in writing and look out for my and my baby's best interests at a time when my judgement was cloudy, too. Please, please, please talk to a lawyer about how to protect yourself going forward; if nothing else, just get a consultation about what you need to consider (they will bring up issues that you may not have thought about yet) and have in place to protect yourself in case these verbal promises are someday broken. Good luck. It does get better. Edited June 9, 2013 by Cierra351 grammar
Author rolo99 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 Are you sure it was unrelated? Being a therapist, part of me suspects you'll be resistant to advice. I'm not picking a fight here...but I have to wonder; do you believe having a sexual 'fling' is going to help you in the long run? I can't imagine that you would, even if I understand the need for validation. I missed your original post, but FWIW I believe you did the right thing by filing. Even if you somehow could reconcile, it would never work unless your husband respects your position of not wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" is classic/modern cheater prose that'll leave you hanging. Step on it. "Doing better" and "feeling better" are good goals to have, but trying to dampen the pain with outside validation will slow your healing. Your pain is a natural byproduct of betrayal and rejection and therefore, not something you should focus on ridding at all costs. Yes, we all must get to a place where we can function and regain productivity, but those things must work from the inside out...not the outside in. Eventually, that path will take you right back to where you were. It's superficial healing. It won't last. Eat well and rest. Charge your batteries and take on one problem at a time. Consider this a wonderful opportunity to learn and grow as a person. Actually I'm not resistant and I thought about that yesterday after my meltdown. "Is this related? Did the fling just pause what was still there? Was it a mistake?" No...I don't think making the fling a regular thing would be helpful, nor do I want to muck up my friendship with that person. I knew at the time that it wasn't a cure, nor did I even think it would help as much as it did....temporarily. But these days, any day I don't cry is a good thing. When I first started having days of not crying, my therapist reminded me that I'm not "cured". I knew that, but said, "hey...if I can even have 1-2 days of not crying, I'll take it." Back then I had gotten some good advice from some long-term friends about how this doesn't make me less of a person, a failure or a loser. Oh and I would not be surprised at all to find out that my husband is/was cheating on me, but I don't actively seek the answer, because I'm in a no-fault divorce state, but mostly because I don't want to know. I never had any doubts that filing was the right thing go do, even if I did feel like a traitor at the time. Bunny... see my original post. I was married for 13 years, together 15.
Steadfast Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 ...I would not be surprised at all to find out that my husband is/was cheating on me, but I don't actively seek the answer, because I'm in a no-fault divorce state, but mostly because I don't want to know. I never had any doubts that filing was the right thing go do, even if I did feel like a traitor at the time. That's where I am too. Many advise GPS, hiring a PI, keyloggers, etc to 'make sure'. I get it...sort of. But he's gone. Gone is cheating. Cheating you out of the bond of a loving relationship. Cheating on your trust and hope. Cheating you out of love and devotion. Truth is often stranger than fiction rolo. After I filed, I stopped wondering. Her business after that. Fact: If perfection was required to stay married, everyone would be divorced. Being part of a failed marriage doesn't make you a failure. I hope the fling allows you to dismiss worries about still being attractive. I know women who are 20+ years older than you that are extremely attractive; physically and intellectually. To those who are not superficial, it's what lies behind the eyes that counts most. That's the kind of person you'd want anyway. Real men are turned off by egotistical women. Keep healing. 2
Author rolo99 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 That's where I am too. Many advise GPS, hiring a PI, keyloggers, etc to 'make sure'. I get it...sort of. But he's gone. Gone is cheating. Cheating you out of the bond of a loving relationship. Cheating on your trust and hope. Cheating you out of love and devotion. Truth is often stranger than fiction rolo. After I filed, I stopped wondering. Her business after that. Fact: If perfection was required to stay married, everyone would be divorced. Being part of a failed marriage doesn't make you a failure. I hope the fling allows you to dismiss worries about still being attractive. I know women who are 20+ years older than you that are extremely attractive; physically and intellectually. To those who are not superficial, it's what lies behind the eyes that counts most. That's the kind of person you'd want anyway. Real men are turned off by egotistical women. Keep healing. Thanks. Believe me, I thought of the PI/GPS/etc thing, but in the end, I figured I'd spend $1000 (guessing) to be more miserable and not help my divorce case. Waste of money. I did tell the STBX that by talking to his friends about our marriage and him not being happy in it, without talking to me; he betrayed me just as bad as if he had cheated. I didn't get married to get divorced, nor did I ever think I would be. A few weeks ago I broke down in my lawyer's office. I keep thinking, "I shouldn't be here." Nice thought about perfection and divorce. I still beat myself up because I should have known. I'm a therapist for god's sake! My head tells me that I can't read minds, but my heart says, "how did you not know? How can you ever feel secure in a relationship again?"
Steadfast Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I did tell the STBX that by talking to his friends about our marriage and him not being happy in it, without talking to me; he betrayed me just as bad as if he had cheated. Interesting. And while a serious breech of trust, the taste of infidelity is one that stays with you longer, IMO. You can't get a physical disease from backstabbing and drama. Well, at least not one that'll kill you. I get it. I didn't get married to get divorced, nor did I ever think I would be. A few weeks ago I broke down in my lawyer's office. I keep thinking, "I shouldn't be here." I'd wager none of us did rolo. The truth? You shouldn't of been there. There's a whole bunch of shouldas, wouldas and maybes in divorce. Ask yourself; if it were your choice, would you be divorcing? I know you filed, but you had to. Many completely miss breaking free as a healthy move. Take heart. Stop second guessing it. Your freakin' husband told you he wasn't in love with you. What are you supposed to do, buy him a boat? But that's exactly the path many take rolo. Throwing good after bad. I still beat myself up because I should have known. I'm a therapist for god's sake! My head tells me that I can't read minds, but my heart says, "how did you not know? How can you ever feel secure in a relationship again?" We trust. If we can't trust, we have no business being in a relationship. We trust until that trust is broken, if it comes to that. Are we at fault for not constantly keeping tabs and 'working' on it? Good lord. Sounds like too much work to me. Then again, I've been divorced twice. I'm independent. You'll feel as secure as your partner wants you to feel. If you're smart, you won't depend on that to love or be loved. Security comes from within.
Author rolo99 Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 Interesting. And while a serious breech of trust, the taste of infidelity is one that stays with you longer, IMO. You can't get a physical disease from backstabbing and drama. Well, at least not one that'll kill you. I get it. Ok...well maybe as not as bad as if he had cheated, but I fully expect that he did. I'd wager none of us did rolo. The truth? You shouldn't of been there. There's a whole bunch of shouldas, wouldas and maybes in divorce. Ask yourself; if it were your choice, would you be divorcing? I know you filed, but you had to. Many completely miss breaking free as a healthy move. I NEVER would be divorcing if it was my choice, unless I knew he had cheated. I only filed because: 1) He signed a year lease then talked about "working on things after we've been apart awhile". He couldn't work on it while we were married, how can I trust that he will when we're separated? 2) He is making very little money in his financial advising business. In the meantime, he is living off marital funds. I had to put a stop to that. Take heart. Stop second guessing it. Your freakin' husband told you he wasn't in love with you. What are you supposed to do, buy him a boat? But that's exactly the path many take rolo. Throwing good after bad. I've bought him WAY more than a boat by stupidly putting an inheritance into our home. *STUPID STUPID STUPID* We trust. If we can't trust, we have no business being in a relationship. We trust until that trust is broken, if it comes to that. Are we at fault for not constantly keeping tabs and 'working' on it? Good lord. Sounds like too much work to me. Then again, I've been divorced twice. I'm independent. You'll feel as secure as your partner wants you to feel. If you're smart, you won't depend on that to love or be loved. Security comes from within. I don't see myself ever trusting again. It's been a sh*tty day. Spent the day talking to suicidal people (part of my job) and copying files for my divorce. Not the most positive atmosphere. One case that came in early in the process (job is phone & internet) was a suicidal caller whose husband had just left her. I barely got off the phone without losing it myself. I had to hand that case over to a co-worker because it was just too close to home.
imtooconfused Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." What kind of betrayal is that? Even if the stbxh hasn't cheated, a smackdown like that has to hurt almost as bad. It's completely understandable how the self-image can be devastated and how the fling can re-validate your self image. It seems like it has settled your mind a bit. But at the same time, it's easy to turn to new relationships as a crutch. This kind of crutch will not allow you to heal, only keep the questions of "am I loveable" unresolved with each crack or misstep in a new relationship. Do your best to work on your sense of worth from the inside, not the outside. One case that came in early in the process (job is phone & internet) was a suicidal caller whose husband had just left her. I barely got off the phone without losing it myself. I had to hand that case over to a co-worker because it was just too close to home. Holy sh**. You must be one hell of a strong woman to be going through everything you are going through and still have the strength to help other people in crisis.
Author rolo99 Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 What kind of betrayal is that? Even if the stbxh hasn't cheated, a smackdown like that has to hurt almost as bad. It's completely understandable how the self-image can be devastated and how the fling can re-validate your self image. It seems like it has settled your mind a bit. But at the same time, it's easy to turn to new relationships as a crutch. This kind of crutch will not allow you to heal, only keep the questions of "am I loveable" unresolved with each crack or misstep in a new relationship. Do your best to work on your sense of worth from the inside, not the outside. Holy sh**. You must be one hell of a strong woman to be going through everything you are going through and still have the strength to help other people in crisis. Thanks. Luckily most of my calls are positive drug tests ("I haven't smoked pot in 10 years!" LOL!) conflicting coworkers, etc. It's the divorce/suicide ones that are hard. Luckily that's been the only one I couldn't handle. Ethically, I wouldn't be at work if I couldn't do my job, there's too much risk. But there comes time when you have to buck up and do your job...because you have to set aside your own emotions and work. That being said, I am SO glad that I work at home. In the early days, it was work/cry/work/cry/work/cry....repeat as necessary. As for the friend/fling, he's still a friend and I have no regrets, but I know that I'm not strong enough for an ongoing fling/FWB situation. And I'd hate to lose the friendship over this.
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