Author Helen A Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 Oh I won't Anne. He's ignored me for a while now. I don't want to talk to him anymore.
anne1707 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Hmmm... Is the reason why you don't want to talk to him: because he ignored you; orbecause you want to focus on your marriage
TaraMaiden Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Juat a heads-up: Let's say you implement, and/or decide to go No Contact. That's on you, your decision. He tweets/texts/emails/leaves a message, in an attempt to speak with you or maintain the connection to you... You respond (as you did). You've broken No Contact. Not him - you. he was just knocking. You chose to open the door. That's on you, your decision. The best way to never break NC, is to never snap at the dangling carrot.
TaraMaiden Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Tara I don't really know how to answer what uve asked me. That's a bit much really. Why did I? Attention, to start with then we got close. But it can't be. And it's over. And I'm on day 4 now of NC starting over again after he had the cheek to tweet me at 1am then wen I msg him didnt reply. I feel much better already and love this forum. Really? You've contemplated the different aspects or factors of your marriage, (Trust, Communication, Respect) and there's nothing you can add, clarify or consider, at all? Wow. just.... wow.....
Author Helen A Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 Anne at first it was because he didnt want to speak to me, but it is now to focus on my marriage. I have been acting mental, this is so out of context for me. I don't want to sleep with my friends husband what was I thinking? Tho I clearly did what the hell did I think I was gonna get out of this? He started this and I shud have told him to bog off then like I did the 1st time, ages ago. But I fell for him and all his bull****. I'm taking a break from him now for a long time NC, no replies etc he owes me an apology he knows why but I'm not gonna get it. I'm totally to blame here too but I'm glad it's ended before anything REAL happened.
anne1707 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I'm taking a break from him now for a long time NC, no replies etc he owes me an apology he knows why but I'm not gonna get it. I'm totally to blame here too but I'm glad it's ended before anything REAL happened. Taking a break? NC is not something you do just for a while - even if a long time - you do it forever. Also why on earth does he need to apologise to you? He did not make you do anything you didn't want to to do. You need to take full responsibility for your actions because something REAL did actually happen. You had an affair. So.... If your focus is on your marriage, what are you doing to do this? And NC with the MOM is not enough. What are you doing to work on your marriage? What are you and your husband doing together to work on your marriage? 1
Realist3 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Taking a break? NC is not something you do just for a while - even if a long time - you do it forever. Also why on earth does he need to apologise to you? He did not make you do anything you didn't want to to do. You need to take full responsibility for your actions because something REAL did actually happen. You had an affair. So.... If your focus is on your marriage, what are you doing to do this? And NC with the MOM is not enough. What are you doing to work on your marriage? What are you and your husband doing together to work on your marriage? If one person is having an affair, obviously not much. The problem I have with this is that assumption that she can just shut off her feelings for this OM, go no contact, and be expected to immediately have some burning desire to make his/her marriage right. That doesn't make much sense. The OP said she had feelings of love for this man. There was a reason that that happened and those reasons developed over a fairly good period of time. Probably long before she even met the OM.
Author Helen A Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 About stuff he has done , no not about what happened I know that took two. I don't wanna go into that on here tho. I'm just spending more time actually with my husband other than obsessing about this other person we will be fine we always have been. I have deleted his phone number after coming on here so that's a big step for me. Crazy !!!!
anne1707 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 The problem I have with this is that assumption that she can just shut off her feelings for this OM, go no contact, and be expected to immediately have some burning desire to make his/her marriage right. That doesn't make much sense. As a fWS, I totally agree with you and if you read my earlier posts in this thread, I said this was the case for me and that I was not sure Betsy was really into working on her marriage. Still not sure either. About stuff he has done , no not about what happened I know that took two. I don't wanna go into that on here tho. I'm just spending more time actually with my husband other than obsessing about this other person we will be fine we always have been. I have deleted his phone number after coming on here so that's a big step for me. Crazy !!!! Oh wow big deal Betsy. So basically you have done nothing. You are not working on this at all. You are just head in the sand and hopefully it will all work out. Well it won't. Not like that. 1
pest947 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 If you are "in love" with him then I suggest you tell your husband the truth and file for divorce. Staying married when you seem to not love your husband isn't fair to him. Amen to that.You are doing no one any favors staying in a relationship if you are truly unhappy and not in love. I mean if this isn't just a "rough spot" you hit here. I can say this from recent experience in my own life.
Author Helen A Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 I don't want a divorce. I just want to work on myself and figure out why this happened.
anne1707 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Why won't it? Spending more time with someone is not going to sort out whatever issues there are in your marriage. You need to really start talking to each other. You need to find out what he wants and expects from a marriage and he needs to find out what you want and expect. You need to find better methods of communication between you. You need to find ways of dealing with problems that may occur in a healthy manner. You need to be honest with each other. And that is just for starters.
anne1707 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I don't want a divorce. I just want to work on myself and figure out why this happened. Another reason why it won't work. Me. Me. Me. Me. 2
Author Helen A Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 I don't want to admit this and I'm not going to because I have explained why previously. All I can do is learn from this and move on. Of course it will work we are how we have always been my husband is fine. I'd never hurt him by admitting all this nonsense and that's what it was as I'm sure he never cared about me at all it was sum kind of weird game. Lucky we can both walk away and nothing is ruined, no children's lives etc. And I've learned a tough lesson. 1
TaraMaiden Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I don't want a divorce. I just want to work on myself and figure out why this happened. Working on yourself is pointless. That's like having two flat tyres but only replacing one of them. You need to talk to your H and tell him there is something seriously amiss with your relationship, and tell him you BOTH need to commit to working - together - to make it right. And yes - this will mean, at one point, telling him about this situation. But 'working on yourself' is utterly pointless, if there's no mirror-effort from the other half of your marriage. Your husband. 1
anne1707 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Betsy I get that you are going to take the "easy" option and not tell your H. But that is not what I was referring to when I said being honest. Honesty touches every aspect of a marriage and it could not have truly been there for the affair to have started. You need to be honest with each other about what you feel and want. So I ask again. What are you doing to work on your marriage? 2
Artie Lang Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 ^it's obvious you can't get over this man. if you don't stop now, you're gonna find yourself in a full blown affair with you friends' husband. tell your husband before it's too late. furthermore, i advise you to stop "acting" like a friend to this woman, when you're everything but a friend. this is very cruel. I don't want to admit a 5 month emotional affair and ruin my life. this is called self-preservation. 1
AussieLady Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Hi Betsy34, I too am the MW who had an EA with another man. I am two weeks NC today (yay!) if you don't include driving past his house, workplace etc. It took me months of do I tell, don't I tell; and to be honest I really didn't want to tell, not because of fear of hurting him, because I was selfish and preserving my own feelings. I justified not telling my husband by believing it was only talking, texting, there was no physical contact despite my strong desires to take it there. Initially, when I did tell my husband, it was just the basics - I had been attracted to someone else, I was tempted but nothing happened. I left out the sexual text messages which definitely felt like we were being physically intimate. My husband was calm about it and responded "if you didn't act on your attraction, what are you worried about, stop over thinking things". That is all well and good, but I feel the intimacy in the conversations with OM were acting on my feelings, so I have not been able to stop over thinking things. It created a huge wedge in my marriage, without my husband fully understanding why I am distant one minute and clingy the next. I truly thought I could manage and work on myself without telling him the whole truth, but I couldn't. Any little disagreement turned into a huge fight, because in the back of my mind I kept thinking, well I can just leave and go to OM. My husband deserved to know the full extent of the situation, and we are now both committed to working on our marriage and we start MC next week. I started IC yesterday. I don't believe you can work on yourself or truly walk away from OM without at least explaining to your husband what you are feeling. I know you have decided you are not going to tell him what has happened with the affair, but please if you want your marriage to work, sit down with him and tell him you are feeling disconnected. To work on a marriage, to really let the OM go, you and your husband have to work on meeting each others needs and he is not going to know he hasn't without talking to him. 1
Realist3 Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 So the two options are: 1. Try to keep the bomb from ever exploding. 2. Explode the bomb now in the hopes that the bomb won't be bigger in a couple of years should it the explode. I would always go for option #1.
AussieLady Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 So the two options are: 1. Try to keep the bomb from ever exploding. 2. Explode the bomb now in the hopes that the bomb won't be bigger in a couple of years should it the explode. I would always go for option #1. I would be interested to hear how successful you have been, going for Option 1. I tried, but it was eating me up inside every time I looked at my husband and kids.
sweet_pea Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Betsy, I'm not sure if you answered this, but what will you do if the OM's wife finds out and tells your husband? How will you explain away that you kept the affair a secret?
woinlove Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 (edited) I would be interested to hear how successful you have been, going for Option 1. I tried, but it was eating me up inside every time I looked at my husband and kids. I think to go for option 1, you need to be a good liar and not need or want a lot of intimacy in your marriage. Deception tends to kill intimacy. Betsy, I suspect you will find your M lacking in the same way that led you to have an EA if you keep up the deception with your H. I'm not sure there are any examples here of people who managed to build and maintain a strong, intimate and fulfilling M while keeping up the deception about an A. Edited June 13, 2013 by woinlove
Realist3 Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I would be interested to hear how successful you have been, going for Option 1. I tried, but it was eating me up inside every time I looked at my husband and kids. My situation is a little different than most. My wife already knows.
Author Helen A Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 Thanks everybody. But there's no way the OM will tell he is completely gutless and as there is no more messages, we are not going to do anything etc nobody gets to find out. I can get over it of course I can it's been messages I haven't been sleeping with him every week for 5 months. I'm at the point now where I can see sense.
Recommended Posts