I would love honest !!

[Realist3]

Classic.

 

"A Man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest."

 

Two posts from Realist, and you're happy.

 

10 pages from all the others and you still argue the toss.

 

Perhaps some of you did not take into account what she was asking?

[anne1707]

Betsy

 

To give you some background: I had a 3 year affair at work. It ended 5 years ago. My husband knows everything and we are happily reconciled. I still work with exOM.

 

I am not convinced that you are 100% committed to the affair being over yet. You came here posting about why the OM had stopped texting etc - the focus was on him and not your marriage. I really do not see how you are going to avoid falling into a full on affair if you continue to interact with him even as just a friend.

 

If I thought you were 100% committed, I could see how with IC you could get through this. However with what I see as uncertainty, I am not sure whether you can move on without a very large dose of reality. I.e. ceasing all contact with him completely which would mean having to tell your husband.

 

I do know how frightening that is for you. I have done it - for a much longer affair - but it had to be done for my marriage to stand a chance. You also need not just IC but also MC - you and your husband need to improve communication and work on where things might not as good as they can be in your marriage. This is what is needed if you are both to be really happy together in the future.

 

If you don't tell him about the affair then how do your propose getting the two of you to work on your marriage?

 

Re-posted because I am concerned Betsy is only now responding to posts that tell her what she wants to hear.

[TaraMaiden]

Tara I was just saying thankyou as she was agreeing with me not to tell my husband.

I'm not disregarding anything Im just saying I don't want to admit a 5 month emotional affair and ruin my life.

 

Your life.

 

Obvioulsy, the lives of his wife and family, and your husband and little girl are second priority.

 

I cannot agree with your stance on this.

Full clarity and transparency will be the only way you can actually see your way to rebuilding any kind of honest, sincere and workable relationship with your husband.

This will grow to be something which will eat at you.

 

I advise you strongly to quit putting yourself first and to instead, have some consideration for the marital health of your husband's investment in this relationship.

It may well BE that there is something lacking.

But a Relationship is a 50/50 thing.

The absence of something from his part of the deal, will also be a reflection on the commitment and input from you.

[HonestNeurotic]

Betsy -

 

I realize that you do not want to tell your husband. And I am one of those that will tell you that's okay. I feel that you're looking for validation for your choices, instead of real honesty though.

 

If you do not understand the why's of how you allowed yourself to be in this situation, then it's likely to happen again at a future date. A midlife crisis.

 

I was married for 17 years. Around the 15/16 year mark, it happened that I was attracted to another. Freaked me out. I never acted on it - back then we didn't have all these electronic forms of communicating. I don't think that would have changed things. But I got really, seriously, HONEST with myself. I didn't really want another guy - I just didn't want to be married to my husband. I realized that I did not love him in the way that a woman is "supposed" to love her husband. Sex was great. He was a great dad. A great provider. He'd do ANYTHING for me. But I was living a lie, as I did not love him. So I got divorced.

 

So I only urge you to really THINK long and hard about who you are to yourself. Just blocking this dude is not going to change you, or give you the answers that you really need to go forward in life. Otherwise, you are likely to be very unhappy later on. That's all. Get honest with yourself.

 

IMHO ~ as always

[Helen A]

Anne. No I'm listening to all the advice.

Out of interest if you had a 3 year affair why did you go back to your husband? Because for me an affair that long wud meant marriage was over as I'd have to love someone to have a 3 y affair with them.

[Helen A]

I know I'm not meant to be thinking of my friends hubby at the mo but I am I'm not over it yet, so I wondered what you all thought with regards to, is he happy in his marriage? Has he been playing me?

How can he act fine and not talk to me?

From wat I've written what are everybody's views.

[TaraMaiden]

Anne. No I'm listening to all the advice.

Out of interest if you had a 3 year affair why did you go back to your husband? Because for me an affair that long wud meant marriage was over as I'd have to love someone to have a 3 y affair with them.

Speaking on Anne's behalf (though I would never presume to speak FOR her) probably because she rapidly realised that an affair was never going to compare to the love, comfort, companionship, friendship and support her own husband could give her, and gives her still.

There is a tremendous amount of mutual respect and affection in their relationship.

(Her H. is an occasional visitor to these pages, although his visits are more rare).

 

There is honesty, dignity, integrity, communication, solid trust and a great deal of respect.

 

They also happen to like each other quite a lot!

[TaraMaiden]

I know I'm not meant to be thinking of my friends hubby at the mo but I am I'm not over it yet, so I wondered what you all thought with regards to, is he happy in his marriage? Has he been playing me?

How can he act fine and not talk to me?

From wat I've written what are everybody's views.

 

If he were truly happy in his marriage, he would have never embarked on an attempt to get you between the sheets.

I truly predict he will try his luck elsewhere.

Maybe not now, but certainly - unless he addresses the gaping flaws in his relationship - down the line.

 

Sure he was playing you.

He wanted to phukk you, for god's sake.

 

That's why he's backed off from being so persistent.

Though if he sees for one moment you're still "not over it" he knows all he has to do, is to keep drip-drip-dripping on your heart, and pretty soon, he'll have worn a hole in it.

 

How to prevent this happening?

 

Well, we've told you that already.

[HonestNeurotic]

I know I'm not meant to be thinking of my friends hubby at the mo but I am I'm not over it yet, so I wondered what you all thought with regards to, is he happy in his marriage? Has he been playing me?

How can he act fine and not talk to me?

From wat I've written what are everybody's views.

 

You cannot ever "know" what's in another's mind. Certainly all we can offer is speculation based on those pieces of information that you've provided. There are some generalities that occur in most of us, and people here have given you those answers.

 

WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHAT HE THINKS? Do you need to know that forever, even though you never "did the deed", he's secretly longing for you? Is that what you want? Knowing someone lusts after you even though you have no intention of following through? I think in high school we called these girls prick teases. Do you have some need to be desired? Not name calling - I am sincerely trying to get you to look at YOURSELF. The answers are inside of you. Even the best counselor can only lead you to finding them.

 

Is he playing you? I dunno. Are you playing him? You said that you are happy in your marriage. So turn the tables here. You can be happy in your marriage and do all this sexting - and it's not real - but you expect that for him to do the same thing - then it's different? He must be unhappy to do that, but not YOU?

 

IMHO ~ as always

[Helen A]

Being honest here, I am still v much obsessed with this guy but I have decide I have to move on from this it is not worth it.

I still have these urges to read twitter and wats app him so if I remove these I can heal.

[TaraMaiden]

I know a quicker way...... Guaranteed.

 

[anne1707]

Being honest here, I am still v much obsessed with this guy but I have decide I have to move on from this it is not worth it.

I still have these urges to read twitter and wats app him so if I remove these I can heal.

 

This is what is worrying me Betsy. If you want to end the affair, it is going to be as good as impossible to do that feeling the way you do and maintaining a friendship with the OM. When my affair ended, it took me months to finally get myself on track and implement NC (particularly difficult as I work with the exOM) but I did it. I did IC, my H and I did MC and we are still here. But it took a lot of hard work from us both. That is just not possible if your thoughts are elsewhere.

 

That is why I feel that for you to end the affair - if that is what you really want to do inspite of how you feel - then you need to tell your H. You need to be completely honest so you can properly deal with your feelings for both your H and the OM.

 

If you don't do this then maybe you should go back and read my first threads on LS when I joined immediately after dday. See the mess I was in and the pain I caused others and ask yourself do you want that? Because if you don't take strong action now, you will end up in the same mess as me.

 

 

Why I chose to stay with my H? I have always loved him. I never stopped loving him and throughout the affair I never wanted to leave him. I saw myself growing old with him. My marriage was fine before the affair. It was me that was broken. Thankfully he gave me another chance.

[Helen A]

Anne did you used to text the guy you were having an affair with how did you stop? Why did you decide to end the affair?

How did you manage to end it?

[woinlove]

Tara I was just saying thankyou as she was agreeing with me not to tell my husband.

I'm not disregarding anything Im just saying I don't want to admit a 5 month emotional affair and ruin my life.

 

I understand you don't want to ruin your life, but I wonder if keeping up the dishonesty isn't going to ruin your life even more. What do you get out of your M and is intimacy important with you? Some people do have affairs where they develop the strong feelings you have and keep it all secret, but I've never heard of any of them having very fulfilling, intimate marriages. Some may have a convenient M and be satisfied with that or go on to cheat again in the future. But, if you aren't going to be happy in a marriage that doesn't have the kind of intimacy that allows you to be honest and your true self, then you would be better off choosing a different path.

[anne1707]

Anne did you used to text the guy you were having an affair with how did you stop? Why did you decide to end the affair?

How did you manage to end it?

 

Betsy - texting was only a part of it. Mine was a full affair - physical as well. I also saw the exOM at work every day (still do). It ended because I would not leave my husband in spite of pressure from the exOM.

 

But even when it ended, it took months of craziness before life started to feel normal again.

[Helen A]

Anne why did you have an affair if you loved your husband?

[anne1707]

This thread is not about me Betsy. If you want to know more, read my threads from when I joined.

[Helen A]

I know that, just wanting to know how others think/ what makes them do what they do. Glad I found this site.

[anne1707]

I know. But if I talked about myself, it would be considered a threadjack.

 

Plus as my H posts on this site, there are some things that I will not post about out of respect to him.

[TaraMaiden]

I know that, just wanting to know how others think/ what makes them do what they do...

 

.....as my H posts on this site, there are some things that I will not post about out of respect to him.

 

There it is, Betsy, right from the horse's mouth (with profuse apologies to Anne!).....

 

That word:

 

RESPECT.

 

let me discuss something with you, a moment (and it's a 'long' moment):

 

A Relationship is a 50/50 responsibility thing, and both partners are 100% responsible for the care, maintenance, 'polishing' and upkeep of their part. There is no imbalance here, just as there cannot be only one member in a relationship of two. It's clean down the middle...

 

Please note: 'Responsibility' is different to 'blame'.....Blame can be massively disproportional.

 

You have to establish effective communication to discuss what exactly broke the relationship.

You both have to own your parts, and you both have to take responsibility, and you both have to work damn hard to modify and repair and make good whatever went wrong.

 

Remember:

"Finding" the problem isn't the hard work.

 

Fixing the problem, once you've found it - is when the hard work begins.

 

And you have to both want to work equally hard.

you have to both want this relationship to succeed the second time around, to the same level.

 

You see, relationships are sustained by three important, vital and co-dependent factors: They are in fact, like the tripod supporting the fragile porcelain dish within the laboratory....

These three, inseparable and co-effective factors are:

 

Communication (effective and constructive)

Respect (For self and partner)

Trust.

 

If one of these is damaged, bent or broken, the other two - with the best will and effort in the world - cannot function effectively to hold the relationship up on their own, or even as a pair...

And Trust is perhaps the most fragile of the three.

 

Trust is like the precious, antique porcelain statuette;

Beautiful and valuable and the envy of all your friends - but if it gets chipped or damaged, no matter how expert or invisible the repair, no matter how skilfully restored - the damage is done. The item has lost its value, and even if the mend is unseen to the naked eye - YOU know it's there... and it constantly bugs you, every time you gaze upon the piece...

 

Trust is exactly like that.

Of the three, it's the most precious - but the hardest to remedy too.

 

Respect for your husband, on the face of it, seems to be somewhat lacking.

 

And let's not even hit the 'communication' button, here.

 

In effect, the three main stable essentials to your marriage, are greatly wanting.

 

Why?

 

Could they be remedied?

Do you want to even do the work?

Is it worth it?

Look at your husband, and think, seriously. Carefully.

 

Do I want to work that hard to reconstruct the essential foundations to this marriage?

 

DO I WANT THIS BADLY ENOUGH?

[Helen A]

Tara we had been together for over 16 years before this happened.

I have spent most my life with him he's like my rock.

Though he's not to blame here, it's my fault obv, looking into my reasons why this happened - he had put on a lot of weight and eas not interested in me/sex for a while wouldnt talk to me etc, pushed me away in that respect for a good while, though everything is ok now. I think the lack of intimacy at the time etc led me to enjoying attention from somebody who has now messed up my head and disappeared. Nice guy eh. But I guess a lesson has been learned.

[TaraMaiden]

OK.

Read the whole thing, again, and tell me your views on Trust, Communication and Respect.

tell me whether you want to work on this, and how much.

Then think about what you're going to do about this sorry mess you've created.....

 

And if it involves simply NC and putting your head in the sand, like an ostrich, bear in mind that this elephant in the room will eventually find your head and stomp on it.

[whichwayisup]

Anne why did you have an affair if you loved your husband?

 

Why did you have the A (textin/sexting) flirting with your MM/friend?

 

What is it that you 'love' about him? Is it more about how he makes you feel? Habit/addiction?

 

What you can do is keep busy. Put your focus into your children and their lives, and of course your husband. He may figure something is "up" with you, i'm sure the energy around your house is slightly off and he could very well be aware of that and be suspicious.

[Helen A]

Tara I don't really know how to answer what uve asked me.

That's a bit much really.

 

Why did I? Attention, to start with then we got close.

But it can't be. And it's over.

 

And I'm on day 4 now of NC starting over again after he had the cheek to tweet me at 1am then wen I msg him didnt reply.

 

I feel much better already and love this forum.

[anne1707]

Betsy

 

You can't complain about him tweeting you if you also message him. You are just as bad as him in maintaining contact. If you want this to end, you must ignore his attempts to contact him. Don't even message him to tell him to stop messaging you.