Author Helen A Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Beany no I don't agree I don't see the need to tell them. What for? We aren't going to be together why wud I wreck his life and vice versa?
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I would never ruin his or my family by telling them about this there are children involved. Yet you both were willing to throw it all away by doing what you were doing. Obviously you (both) never thought about getting caught or the consquences and fallout later. The thing is, the damage HAS been done, just your H and his W don't know it yet. 1
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Beany no I don't agree I don't see the need to tell them. What for? We aren't going to be together why wud I wreck his life and vice versa? Let me ask you and please be honest. If it was your husband and his wife doing this, would you prefer NOT to know? Have them doing whatever behind your back, texting and flirting, being sexual and chatty -- And then 'pretend' things are totally normal when you all were hanging out? There's always a chance his wife or your husband will find out on their own. Never say never. 3
Author Helen A Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 No I don't want to be told its OK I know that it isn't OK. I guess I just want to work out a way to move on from this and stop texting him. I will ignore him for so long but then he will message me on twitter. I told him last week shall we forget all this it's too dangetous and he said but it was good though.
HopingAgain Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I would never ruin his or my family by telling them about this there are children involved. If they find out, trust me all will be ruined beyond your comprehension. I was in this same scenario years ago, caught my best friend and husband together. I later cheated on him and divorced him, to this day I don't allow women close to my current marriage as I no longer trust women to be friends in our marriage. I wonder if you care how badly this will damage your husband, friend, and children if they find out? It
Owl Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 No I don't want to be told its OK I know that it isn't OK. I guess I just want to work out a way to move on from this and stop texting him. I will ignore him for so long but then he will message me on twitter. I told him last week shall we forget all this it's too dangetous and he said but it was good though. We are TELLING you the BEST way to resolve this situation, for EVERYONE involved, not just yourself. There are more people involved here than just you...but you want to focus on what makes YOU feel best and avoid suffering the consequences of your actions by denying others the chance to make the same informed choices you're making for them instead. Have you read any of my posts??? 2
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 No I don't want to be told its OK I know that it isn't OK. I guess I just want to work out a way to move on from this and stop texting him. I will ignore him for so long but then he will message me on twitter. I told him last week shall we forget all this it's too dangetous and he said but it was good though. Since he probably isn't going to stop and you can't ignore him for long, TELLING and confessing to your husband would put it an instant stop it! Go take a read over in the infidelity section and read up on some stories by betrayed spouses and their pain of finding out the truth - Having their lives turned upside down. That in itself should make you realize you HAVE to stop! Make it impossible for him to reach you. Stop using twitter and stop reading his. Don't be actively looking for him, waiting for his texts.. Change your number or block his number from your phone. Close your twitter account! And facebook too, block him. Think of what you're doing to your husband..And the more you lust after him, the less you feel towards your husband.
HopingAgain Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 From reading through your responses, I predict this will continue until you both are caught by one or both spouses. How unfortunate that day will be for you all. 1
Author Helen A Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 I don't get why you think I have a self esteem issue because I fell in love with someone. And tho I am wanting the advice doesn't mean I need to act on it or agree with it. There's no way I would admit this. Nothing is wrecked it was texts nobody's hurt, only me.
Owl Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Fair enough...I've offered all the advice that I can to you. Good luck, and let us know how everything works out!
Author Helen A Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Beany my marriage isn't boring. I can't explain why this happened I guess nobody can until it happens to them. Therapy?
Author Helen A Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Thanks Owl. I like to see what people think.my heads all over the place.
Author Helen A Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Beany I disagree. I don't think it's a choice as to who you fall in love with.
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I don't get why you think I have a self esteem issue because I fell in love with someone. And tho I am wanting the advice doesn't mean I need to act on it or agree with it. There's no way I would admit this. Nothing is wrecked it was texts nobody's hurt, only me. Yes but you said you think you're in love with him. Do you not see this as a huge problem for what you feel now towards your husband? Also, you don't know if your husband suspects, or maybe even knows. Maybe he's read your texts, felt you were acting odd and carrying your phone around too close and all the time.
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Beany I disagree. I don't think it's a choice as to who you fall in love with. You didn't fall for him until you two allowed this to happen. The closeness and texting. You chose to pursue and nurture the feelings. That didn't 'just' happen. ANother reason to back off both him and his wife, not hang out as much. Make new friends and keep busy with your husband and kids.
Owl Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Beany I disagree. I don't think it's a choice as to who you fall in love with. And this lack of understanding of how human's work is what led you to where you're at right now. Falling in love is a PROCESS. Ever heard the story of the Cherokee boy who's grandfather told him that inside every person was two wolves that were constantly at war...one wicked and angry, the other kind and loving. Upon hearing the story, the boy asked his grandfather which wolf would win. The Grandfather said "The wolf you feed.". Relationships grow when you feed them, die when you don't. Your feelings for this guy grew as you invested more and more into being with him...and your feelings for your H waxed at the same rate. You CHOSE to feed that relationship...over your marriage...until you felt you were in love with this guy. We ALWAYS choose who we're in love with. ALWAYS. 3
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Beany my marriage isn't boring. I can't explain why this happened I guess nobody can until it happens to them. Therapy? If your husband outright asked you, why? You honestly could look him in the eye and say "i can't explain why this happened."? Dig down deep and start being honest with yourself. You claim it's not insecurity, so was it an ego feed? Getting too caught up in attention from another man who wasn't your husband?
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 What is it that you "love" about him? Or is it more about how he makes you feel. Give that some thought. The addiction of needing to feel good, when he texts you. The intensity of it all. That behaviour IS addictive! THAT is not love. It's lust and based on selfish feelings that are unhealthy. 2
Author Helen A Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Alexandria - just the way we kind of clicked wed talk for hours it wasn't always Pics/dirty texts. After this going on for about 6 months I'm just trying to see how to get over it. I'm not gonna reply to anymore tweets for a while n sort my head out.
Author Helen A Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Well Beany, if I can't sustain anything for the long haul it's funny I've been with my hubby for 17 years that's pretty long haul to me. This had only happened this year.
Author Helen A Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 I'm chuffed with the advice everybody but can anybody tell me what they would do now and how to get over this ?
pteromom Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 You say you didn't plan it... and that might be true. But you have a choice as to what you do TODAY. Life doesn't happen to you... you choose your life. So what kind of person do you want to be? Would you describe yourself as a loyal mate? A loyal friend? Honest? If so, you need to live your life in way that is in line with your values. That means that you quit talking to your friend's husband at all (what if it was reversed and it was your friend with YOUR husband? How would you feel?) It means you re-engage in your own marriage. It means you be a person who has integrity and does the right thing even when it is hard to do. You say you think you are falling in love with him, but you are falling in love with a FANTASY. There is so much you don't know about him.... what he is like in bed; what he is like in love; what it is like to share a home with him... so you have filled in the blanks with your dream man. When in reality, none of it is probably true. Even when you are flirting and talking dirty with him, you are projecting your own feelings onto him, and assuming he is feeling the same things you are, when in actuality, you may just be some real life porn for him, or fodder to turn him on when he's with his wife, your friend. Besides, even if he fell in love with you... what a MESS! I assume you guys all have kids. Can you imagine what THAT would be like? The kids seeing you run off with this guy who is a part of their life? They would hate you! Your husband would hate you. Your friend would hate you. He'd better be REALLY good in bed to make up for all the consequences you'd encounter. It's just not worth it. Even if you decide you don't want to be married anymore, this is not the guy for you. He's your friend's husband, and you need to just walk away, even if it hurts really badly.
GorillaTheater Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I'm chuffed with the advice everybody but can anybody tell me what they would do now and how to get over this ? Time, and no contact. And honesty with your husband and friend. 1
pteromom Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I'm chuffed with the advice everybody but can anybody tell me what they would do now and how to get over this ? Quit talking to the husband at all. Instead of filling your fantasies with beautiful feelings about what it would be like with your friend's husband, imagine BAD things. Because what you think about creates your reality... so if you fill your mind with loving sexy thoughts, you end up thinking you are in love with him. But, instead... imagine you are kissing him and you go down on him to find he doesn't wipe his butt. Or... he has a micropenis. Or... he calls you his wife's name. Or... he laughs at your naked body and says you need to lay off the donuts. Whenever you fantasize about how great it would be with him, FORCE yourself to turn it around into something negative. You'll soon find you aren't so infatuated with him. At the same time, you have to put the energy you were putting into him somewhere. You need to find something that can light you up and make you feel alive, so you aren't relying on him for that feeling. If it can be your own husband, great! If not, find something else... a hobby, a business idea, a vacation, volunteering, visiting with some old friends, learning a musical instrument or foreign language... whatever will work for you.
Author Helen A Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 You've made many judgments there Beany. I personally don't think I need therapy.
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