I would love honest !!

[TaraMaiden]

Betsy, are you yanking our chains....?

 

Of course you delete and block - everything! if you don't, he's actually going to think you WANT him to keep contacting you and he will keep on needling you!!

 

What he thinks or does from now on is completely irrelevant and immaterial!!

You shouldn't care a flying phukk what he thinks, or how anything affects his perspective"!!

 

He - doesn't - MATTER!!

 

What matters is that you are completely free of any thought or distraction form his end, in order to be able to completely 100% focus on your husband!

 

YOu know?? the guy you married? The father of your child?

 

The most important adult in your life?

 

Delete, block, unsubscribe, cancel membership, whatever you need to do!!

Erase this man from your contacts, in every scope means or ways possible!!

[anne1707]

Betsy

 

If you do really want your marriage then what on earth are you doing unblocking the MOM. You have to do NC if you and your H are to stand a chance. It's either that or you will be back in this affair within days.

[Artie Lang]

i agree..... what changes are you making, so this doesn't become an issue again?

 

what of NC?

[whichwayisup]

I just did delete it and then put it back on as I know this sounds weird but I don't want him to think that there's anything wrong and I'm bothered or anything although I am as I'm gonna have to see him as we are all friendly and now he has messaged me on watts app saying I've had a message saying you are following me on twitter. Why you've been following me ages?

It's been ten minutes I haven't replied. I'm not gonna reply. Shoud I?

 

WHO cares what he thinks! Just delete your account. What is the point of twitter anyway when you think about it. What's a watts app?

[Helen A]

Watts App is an app where you send messages and pictures for free.

I didnt reply. I would never have done that before I came on here talking to you lot. So thanks for the advice:)

Onwards and upwards.

No more xx

[anne1707]

Have you actually blocked him aswell though?

 

By letting him still contact you this way, it is still feeding your need for attention that resulted in the affair. Do you not see how unhealthy that is for your marriage?

[TaraMaiden]

Avoid companionship with this couple as much as you can.

Tell your H that you want to make sure that you two - as a couple - do not drift apart....

It's easy to become so focused on work and the ordinary commitments of everyday living (shopping, laundry, looking after the little one, routine mundane tasks) that you forget altogether that the reason you guys got together and eventually married was that you loved each other, and wanted to be together, in the first place.

 

Well here you are.

 

And you have to decide whether you're two parallel lines. Always alongside each other, but never touching.... even looking at them running towards the horizon, it's an illusion. They look together, but they're not really.... move up a bit, along the track and guess what? They never touch...

Still apart as much as ever.

 

Or you have to decide whether you're the two stems of a single vine, intertwining.

Each with your own lives, each with your own way to grow, but mutually supportive, and with the same goal.

Up.

 

Decide which way you really want to be with your H and talk to him.

And do it together.

 

But cut this other guy off at the knees, don't even give him headroom....

[WhiteHeart]

I have joined this forum to reply to your post, I have lurked for a while but I wanted to share my story with you.

 

You asked the question how did you manage to move on from your AP and maintain NC. My answer, with great difficulty at first, but it is easier now and there is one reason for that (and your not going to like this answer, I know) and that is because I confessed and came clean.

 

My H and I have known each other for 8 years, married 3 years in July. My exAP and I met through my H. They went to school together, although they were never close they remained in contact via mutual friends. My exAP was single so there is no other BS, just my H. We have no children.

 

My 'affair', if you can even call it that, lasted a matter of weeks. It consisted mainly of messages on Facebook and text messages, although did also include 1 picture and 2 kisses. The affair pretty much fizzled out before it even started.

 

My exAP and I both agreed to NC, we also agreed to take our 'secret' to the grave. We felt that by telling we would be ruining too many lives. My H being the main casualty but also families and friends.

 

We concluded that my H would leave me and my H, my H family, and our mutual friends would most likely beat my AP up. No one would ever speak to us again. Why risk all that?

 

So why did I tell then? it wasn't an easy decision to make but in the end it boiled down to one thing, my H deserved to know the truth. I hated myself for lying to him, I hated what I had become. My parents always taught me to be honest and take responsibility for my mistakes as it's not the actions that matter but my reaction afterwards that matter the most.

 

The day I told him is a day I will never forget, by now my exAP had blocked me on Facebook so I felt completely alone. I hadn't spoken to him in a week, had no plans to speak to him but it made me feel like he didn't care, he got what he wanted and buggered off. I hated him for that.

 

I told my H and he was completely shocked, he had no idea. He wasn't even suspicious. He never in a million years would have predicted I was capable of this, something a lot of people have said.

 

The end result, my H and I are still together and are working to fix what went wrong in our marriage which made me turn to my exAP in the first place.

 

I have no idea if my exAP knows that I have told my H. I haven't spoken to my exAP in months. My H is not interested in speaking to his so called friend, as far as he is concerned the exAP is dead to him.

 

The only way the exAP would know would be if someone else who knows told him. To be honest, I don't care about him, I never did. He was just someone to talk to, he could have been anyone.

 

It's a shame that it took an affair to make me realise what I had. It's a shame that it took an affair to make me see my own faults and short comings. At the end of the day I am working on myself, and I am working on my marriage.

 

My H is doing the same, he has listened to what I told him, my reasons and thought about what he could have done differently. I never once blamed him for my actions, he did that himself, I am not comfortable with that and told him so but he says it takes 2 people to make a marriage, he had to have played his part.

 

My H and I have come out stronger, my exAP doesn't exist to me anymore. My H and I have moved on, we still have work to do and it still gets discussed but we are more open with each other. We used to talk a lot but we never used to communicate. That is the key to our success, we both decided to communicate.

 

I am not expecting you to tell your H, it is an impossible choice that only YOU can make, I just wanted to share my story. I wish you the best of luck, whatever happens.

[whichwayisup]

The end result, my H and I are still together and are working to fix what went wrong in our marriage which made me turn to my exAP in the first place.

And I hope you work on you so you can figure out why you chose to turn to another man instead of talking to your husband. It's wonderful that your H wants to work with you, to affair proof your marriage, fix things - Fantastic! But, blaming the state of your marriage, what was wrong with it is half the problem. Fix what is broken inside of you as well. Never befriend and become 'attached' to ANY man that isn't your husband. Lines can easily be crossed, emotions get in the way unintentionally, someone is vunerable and Boom! An affair is born. Having boundries and lines that you won't ever cross is important and will keep you from wandering in the future if you and your H ever have martial problems again.

[Helen A]

Oh lordy. The OM was only looking to get his d*ck wet. He's not looking to change his situation or cause any drama. It was ALL about getting laid and the OP wasn't willing. He's simply gone on to greener pastures and finding a woman who WILL give him sex.= not sure if that's completely true as it was more he didn't want anything real to happen just the messages where as I would say I did more. Anyway it don't matter now.

 

Thanks Whiteheart I'm glad everything's working out for you.

 

Tara I still haven't replied. Feeling better, thanks for advice, tho some of it was a bit harsh, it's been good.

 

Can't wait til I'm over this. Xx

[The Way I Am]

Betsy, I'm glad you've decided what you want. You could be right that you just hit a rough patch in your marriage and things will continue to be good from this point on. For your and your husband's sake, I hope that's the case.

 

But I hope you'll keep in mind the experiences that others have shared here. If you start to feel like you and your husband are drifting apart again or you feel yourself tempted to stray, consider coming back and rereading the advice here.

 

As for closure with the OM. Closure comes from within. If your anger at the OM's behavior is what's keeping you from fully letting go, remind yourself that you really don't know the OM's intentions or reasons for doing what he did. We can assume that he was just attempting to use you to get some on the side, but no one but him knows that. It's highly likely, but it's not impossible that he was falling for you and had a change of heart. You really can't be mad about something that's an assumption.

 

Now if the possibility that he wasn't just using you makes you want him back, then you should reconsider whether you're being totally honest with yourself about your feelings and your marriage.