My boyfriends ex-gf has moved in with him!?

[Mackie]

So I posted before about my boyfriend and the fact hisfamily are still dead close to his ex

here when I did that I thought it was complicated but now its more so!

 

A bit of background I explained there:

My boyfriends family are great - he has a 3 brothers,2 ofwho met there gfs at 14 and 16 I think and there still together & a twinsister who's been with her boyfriend for a year now. I really like them but Ido feel a bit like the new girl I guess cause there all close, like reallyclose. My boyfriend (who's 18 btw) broke up with his ex a year ago, quiteamicably until then he'd been with her since he was 15. From what I know herparents died when she was 13 and she lived with her gran and his family reallykinda took her under there wing

 

 

So like I said in that thread her parents died and shelives with her nan, so then the other day her nan passed away suddenly – whichis tragic and I feel really bad for her! And she called my bf like as soon asit happened & he dropped everything and went round – which is fine, I don’thave a problem at all! He knew her gran really well so who would she call buthim, and of course he should go, he’s incredibly kind and that’s one of thethings I love about him!

 

His dad then told her to move in with them for a whilecause shes got nowhere else – which is again understandable but means that nowshes the 90% of the time rather than occasionally like I was saying in my otherthread.

 

Then there was the funeral, obviously I didn’t know hernan but they were all like ‘yeah come come’, so I went. And she was giving a eulogybut she was really struggling to do it so my bf got up and hugged her and hedid it instead (he did a really good speech considering he was making it up ashe went along). And then we went to the wake and he kind of got caught up standingwith her doing the whole thanking people for coming as they came and went so Iwas just sitting with his brothers & sister and there partners, which Idon’t have a problem with because if he was he type of guy that would leave herto do that by herself he wouldn’t be the guy that im in love with but you’knowwhen you can feel strangers looking at you like trying to work out where youfit in, I think people probably assumed he was with her, and I think herealised that too cause he brought it up when we were driving back. It wassomething like:

Him: sorry I couldn't spend more time with you today. Webroke up on good terms, I still care about her and I knew her gran well and shedosent have anyone else, you get that yeah?

Me: (what could i say?) yeah totally I get that, it'sfine.

Him: I knew you would

We drove for a bit

Him: you don't like her though do you? (he was grinning)

Me: I dont not like her...we're just very different

Him: your not half as different as you think you are!Underneath all the bull***** she's not as tough as she makes out, she justpushes everyone away before they really know her that's why she ends up with noone! But I promise you in like 3yrs time you'll get on great!

 

 

So then on top of all that Dane works at a boat yardwhich he really likes but mountain biking his passion and she’s a photographer,she does work for magazines and she’s somehow got his assignment on something mountain-bikeyand she’s got him doing the tricks and everything, which again how can I beannoyed about that cause it’s his dream to make a living on his bike and itsreally good exposure for him but its, I dunno, it’s her and his project, and hetalks to me about it cause he’s really excited about it, I guess its justanother thing they’ve got.

 

And she's all daney this and daney that and yet whenwe're sitting on the sofa and he goes to hold my hand or put his arm round me Ifeel awkward like I shouldn't be doing that in front of her - tbh I feel likeI'm having an affair with MY own boyfriend!! Haha I mean it's ridiculous really, it's silly.

 

 

I mean I know I sound like im moaning, which I guess I am, but I can't stress enough that he's great! he's so sweet and honest and romantic andeasy going and a little bit shy. I cant quite say why but my gut tells me I don't trust her as far as I could throw her but I trust him completely and utterly! - put simply he's my fairytale guy but just sometimes I I get this nagging feeling like maybeit's their fairytale…I just feel like I haven’t got any options I cant tell hisfamily what to do, I cant tell him not to be nice to this girl when shes lostany family shes got, what kind of b*tch would that make me – but sometimes Ijust feel like a bit of a lemon!

 

Any words of wisdom?

[kassy]

He sounds like a great guy. And so do his family.

 

I think given the situation he would be with her if he wanted to be. And if he is talking about how you will like her in 3 years it doesn't sound like he plans on going anywhere.

 

I understand you don't trust her. But the great thing is you don't have to. It takes two to tango and if you trust him then that's all that matters. Let him deal with her, he sounds like he is able to.

 

If I was you, I'd just get more confident in the relationship and just treat her like you would treat a cousin who moved in with them.

 

If you really feel too threatened then break up with him. But to me it sounds like you have nothing to worry about in relation to her. just focus on you and him.

[DanielStone]

This is such a hard subject to try and give advice on because any wrong comment can completely turn you against him or indeed her even more...

 

I guess I can understand how you feel as I am around the same age and I've gone through a similar thing before with an Ex Girlfriend and how she was still close to her Ex Boyfriend and he was very close with her family... This was because the two families were very close and the parents were best friends so it wasn't something we could avoid...

 

She never had to be there for him in regards to family deaths or anything like that but it would be other things, like he had an audition for something so she went along to support him... Which I had no problem with and exactly like you're feeling, what could I say to that? You can't just turn around and say no can you? But I didn't let it bother me...

 

She and him are still very close friends and even after I broke up with her like a good 8-12 months ago now they're still only friends and I believe he is still with his current girlfriend!

 

So, you know ... It could just be closeness and think of it this way, if it was you rather than him you'd want to be there for someone you care about in such a extremely bad time...

 

Please correct me if I'm wrong but I kind of get the feeling that you're worrying they'll end up back together or something like this? But what you've gotta remember is that even though they're still close, he still loves you and is still with you and does stuff with you ect ect... If he didn't want you, it's simple.. you just wouldn't be there! So you can know for a fact he loves you and is there for you! So honestly I wouldn't worry about anything I would just get on with your relationship as you normally would!

 

You'll have to deal with the fact that they're close and remember you're still with him so you can talk to him about it all and just say you wanna spend a little more time with him .. There's really nothing to worry about!

[iris219]

Honestly, this is not a situation I'd want to be a part of. I understand this young girl is going through a tough time, but that's not your concern. You shouldn't have to care about his ex's situation. Even if she didn't live there, it sounds like she would always be around. I would extract myself from the situation because it doesn't sound like it will be ever be fair to you.

[TheGuard13]

There's no one way you have to feel about this. It's up to the people involved.

 

If you trust him, you trust him. Assuming he doesn't have ulterior motives, he's helping out someone who is having a very difficult time, and that's no small thing if its genuine.

 

I live with my ex girlfriend right now, and her boyfriend comes over to spend the night, and my girlfriend comes over to spend the night, and we get along great.

[melodymatters]

I followed your first thread, and I'm sure this is very difficult for you. I'd like to say that I admire you for being so mature and cool thus far. I'm a lot older and this would bother me too.

 

I don't have a lot of time right now but one thing stands OUT and that is the use of "Daney" for his name which is apparently Dane. ( you mentioned this in the first thread too)

 

ANY sane person would know that such a term of affection is going to come off as cutesy/romantic/special pet name-y, so I think it is highly inappropriate of her to use it, especially in front of you.

 

I've found two kinds of ex's : the kind that tries really hard to make friends with the new GF and not make her feel left out, and then there's the exact opposite, who are all touchy, feely, constantly telling stories from the "old days" etc.

 

Which kind is she ?

[Mackie]

She never had to be there for him in regards to family deaths or anything like that but it would be other things, like he had an audition for something so she went along to support him... Which I had no problem with and exactly like you're feeling, what could I say to that? You can't just turn around and say no can you? But I didn't let it bother me...

Yeah that's exactly it, it makes you seem like the bad guy.

To be fair most of the time it dosen't bother me that much, just her living there on top of that kinda I dunno makes her the permanent fixture.

 

So, you know ... It could just be closeness and think of it this way, if it was you rather than him you'd want to be there for someone you care about in such a extremely bad time...

Yeah totally, I totally get why he's looking out for her, I know him well enough to know that hes that kinda guy who'd help anyone with anything.

 

Please correct me if I'm wrong but I kind of get the feeling that you're worrying they'll end up back together or something like this? But what you've gotta remember is that even though they're still close, he still loves you and is still with you and does stuff with you ect ect... If he didn't want you, it's simple.. you just wouldn't be there! So you can know for a fact he loves you and is there for you! So honestly I wouldn't worry about anything I would just get on with your relationship as you normally would!

Well yeah a little bit - not because I think he'd cheat on me I don't, he's not that kind of guy but just because I cant deny how well they get on. And it was her decision to break up not his.

But in the main I do get what you said, if he wanted to be with her theres nothing stopping him really!

So its not a massive deal its just....a bit of a deal!

 

Thanks!

[Mackie]

I followed your first thread, and I'm sure this is very difficult for you. I'd like to say that I admire you for being so mature and cool thus far. I'm a lot older and this would bother me too.

Thank you.

 

I don't have a lot of time right now but one thing stands OUT and that is the use of "Daney" for his name which is apparently Dane. ( you mentioned this in the first thread too)

ANY sane person would know that such a term of affection is going to come off as cutesy/romantic/special pet name-y, so I think it is highly inappropriate of her to use it, especially in front of you.

Yeah I know, like if I was in her shoes, I wouldn't do that.

I dunno I mean I think its quite affectionate, I don't even call him that. Like she calls his brothers by nicknames too - but there more 'accepted nicknames' - everyone calls them that i.e. Jed for Jeremy, Hank for Henry etc and there less 'cutesy'. No one calls Dane Daney but her.

Saying that that is one thing I brought up with him and he told me he dosent even like it, which she knows, he said shes always called him that to wind him up even before they were dating and it just stuck - I dunno if that makes it better or worse to be honest.

 

I've found two kinds of ex's : the kind that tries really hard to make friends with the new GF and not make her feel left out, and then there's the exact opposite, who are all touchy, feely, constantly telling stories from the "old days" etc.

Which kind is she ?

Yeah good call, I, I dunno really...I consider myself good at reading people but I cant work her out.

I mean on one hand she doesn't go out out of her way to welcome me but I don't, and I done really like or trust the girl, but I don't think shes trying to make me feel uncomfortable and if im being fair to her it 90% of the time it isn't her who would tell a story about 'back when' it'll be one of his family which is fair play really cause they all grew up together.

 

Thanks again!

[Shepp]

If everything's as you say it is it sounds pretty innocent just a tough situation.

Do you know why they broke up? And how long have you known him, known not dated - did you know them when they were together?

[Mackie]

Do you know why they broke up?

 

Something to do with she though they had got too serious to young and she wanted to cool it and Dane was of the opinion if you love someone you love them you don't need to cool it and they just broke up.

 

And how long have you known him, known not dated - did you know them when they were together?

 

known him about 6 months, dated about 5.

He's a friends, friends, brother. And no he was single when I first met him.

[AMusing]

You sound quite mature and considerate, especially given your age. Be proud of yourself for how you handle difficult situations; many people twice your age still struggle with it. Honestly, I would have a very hard time dealing with your situation. I am not sure I'd be able to deal with it, but everyone has a different threshold for potentially awkward/uncomfortable situations.

 

It doesn't sound like there's anything inappropriate going on. That is, I don't think your boyfriend is doing anything wrong. In fact, he seems to be quite a mature, considerate person as well. That said, there's nothing wrong with deciding you can't handle a situation. That doesn't make you selfish; that makes you honest.

 

If you decide your relationship is worth dealing with this ex-weirdness, I'd recommend telling your boyfriend when you start to feel uncomfortable. It doesn't make you the "bad guy" to bring it up, as long as you do it in a loving, non-confrontational way, at an appropriate time. If your boyfriend is as considerate as he sounds, he will work with you to help you feel ok.

[Mackie]

You sound quite mature and considerate, especially given your age. Be proud of yourself for how you handle difficult situations; many people twice your age still struggle with it.

Thank you!

 

It doesn't sound like there's anything inappropriate going on. That is, I don't think your boyfriend is doing anything wrong. In fact, he seems to be quite a mature, considerate person as well. That said, there's nothing wrong with deciding you can't handle a situation. That doesn't make you selfish; that makes you honest.

yeah I know, I just, I don't want to look back in a year and think 'damn he was your perfect guy, he was every one of the qualities that you look for, and you didn't fight for it' - y'know?

 

If you decide your relationship is worth dealing with this ex-weirdness, I'd recommend telling your boyfriend when you start to feel uncomfortable. It doesn't make you the "bad guy" to bring it up, as long as you do it in a loving, non-confrontational way, at an appropriate time. If your boyfriend is as considerate as he sounds, he will work with you to help you feel ok.

yeah, that's true, thank you!

[serial muse]

That said, there's nothing wrong with deciding you can't handle a situation. That doesn't make you selfish; that makes you honest.

 

If you decide your relationship is worth dealing with this ex-weirdness, I'd recommend telling your boyfriend when you start to feel uncomfortable. It doesn't make you the "bad guy" to bring it up, as long as you do it in a loving, non-confrontational way, at an appropriate time. If your boyfriend is as considerate as he sounds, he will work with you to help you feel ok.

 

I second this. Like I said in your last thread, doesn't seem like there's a "bad guy" here, so it's not an easy fix. So I think it's OK to do what you feel is right for you, and to check in with yourself about that periodically - don't find yourself accepting things that make you really unhappy to the point where you feel trapped. And I do hope you'll feel OK about speaking up when needed.

 

It's an uncomfortable situation ... I feel for you, but I think you're handling it well.

[Shepp]

Something to do with she though they had got too serious to young and she wanted to cool it and Dane was of the opinion if you love someone you love them you don't need to cool it and they just broke up.

known him about 6 months, dated about 5.

He's a friends, friends, brother. And no he was single when I first met him.

 

Okay...has she had any bfs since him?

 

Btw Jed and Hank are such cool names!!

I dunno I mean I think its quite affectionate, I don't even call him that. Like she calls his brothers by nicknames too - but there more 'accepted nicknames' - everyone calls them that i.e. Jed for Jeremy, Hank for Henry etc and there less 'cutesy'. No one calls Dane Daney but her.

[InJest]

Make him choose, her or you. This is crazy. I don't care what her situation is, and you shouldn't either. At the very least, stop thinking of this guy in a serious way, and you should probably start dating around.

[Mackie]

I second this. Like I said in your last thread, doesn't seem like there's a "bad guy" here, so it's not an easy fix. So I think it's OK to do what you feel is right for you, and to check in with yourself about that periodically - don't find yourself accepting things that make you really unhappy to the point where you feel trapped. And I do hope you'll feel OK about speaking up when needed.

 

It's an uncomfortable situation ... I feel for you, but I think you're handling it well.

 

Thank you!

Yeah, that's it I mean if I take everything into consideration i'm happy in the relationship. The positives of being with him outweigh the negatives which are basically this situation.

 

 

 

Okay...has she had any bfs since him?

 

Btw Jed and Hank are such cool names!!

 

err im not sure, none that I know of or have head of - but then she broke up with Dane because she didn't want anything serious.

 

Hahah they'd be pleased!

 

 

 

Make him choose, her or you. This is crazy. I don't care what her situation is, and you shouldn't either. At the very least, stop thinking of this guy in a serious way, and you should probably start dating around.

 

Whatever I do 'dating around' or basically cheating on my bf isn't an option, I just won't do that.

I know its a bit crazy, but I also know that by a long way im happy with him that ive ever been with anyone, I cant bring myself to justify throwing that all away!

[Sweeetie]

I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about how you feel; he needs to know. If he cares about you then he won't want you suffering in silence. You don't risk anything by telling him.