My bf's ex is SUPER close to his family! ??

[Mackie]

First, my boyfriends family are great - he has a 3 brothers,2 of who met there gfs at 14 and 16 I think and there still together & atwin sister who's been with her boyfriend for a year now. I really like thembut I do feel a bit like the new girl I guess cause there all close, like really close

 

Anyway my boyfriend (who's 18 btw) broke up with his ex ayear ago, quite amicably until then he'd been with her since he was 15. Fromwhat I know her parents died when she was 13 and she lived with her gran and his family really kinda took her under there wing

 

I know they all still see her but yesterday was the first time I've gone to his house when shes there - like I say his family are lovely and the perfectly nice to me but she is just so - shes practically family. Andall there stories about 'old times' shes in them

 

I know its stupid - its not my place to dictate who they canbe friends with & im happy with my bf, he's a sweetheart - but like she waslounging on the sofa with one of his bros gf's and teasing his brother. Andthen like his dad walks in said hey to me and then went to her who got straightup to give him a hug and he was all 'hey trouble, you staying over?'

 

 

And maybe im being an idiot but I just feel like a stranger.And as nice as they are to me im sure they'd rather he was with her

 

Shes a very very outgoing girl but In her defence i donteven think shes trying to make me feel awkward but having breakfast with yourbf's ex while shes all "daney can you bring me more juice" and imsitting there - his gf and wouldnt ever call him 'daney', its always dane - and it just is awkward

 

Advice?

has anyone been here??

[scorpio1978]

Ok, honestly? RUN!!! Get out of that train wreck waiting to happen and never look back. It's their house, their life, etc., but the fact that your comfort as a guest in their home never crossed their mind is just so incredibly insensitive and disrespectful in my opinion. I get it, they don't want to kick her out since she was a part of it and you are the "new girl", but that's just too close for comfort the way I see it. I am not certain if he ever explained it to you how their relationship is now or ever even told you that she would be there. I am curious to know how you reacted if he did tell you. I am not insecure, but if it was me, I would not feel comfortable with that at all. You asked advice? You're getting it. Get out of there. Sorry.

[leftfordead2]

First, my boyfriends family are great - he has a 3 brothers,2 of who met there gfs at 14 and 16 I think and there still together & atwin sister who's been with her boyfriend for a year now. I really like thembut I do feel a bit like the new girl I guess cause there all close, like really close

 

Anyway my boyfriend (who's 18 btw) broke up with his ex ayear ago, quite amicably until then he'd been with her since he was 15. Fromwhat I know her parents died when she was 13 and she lived with her gran and his family really kinda took her under there wing

 

I know they all still see her but yesterday was the first time I've gone to his house when shes there - like I say his family are lovely and the perfectly nice to me but she is just so - shes practically family. Andall there stories about 'old times' shes in them

 

I know its stupid - its not my place to dictate who they canbe friends with & im happy with my bf, he's a sweetheart - but like she waslounging on the sofa with one of his bros gf's and teasing his brother. Andthen like his dad walks in said hey to me and then went to her who got straightup to give him a hug and he was all 'hey trouble, you staying over?'

 

 

And maybe im being an idiot but I just feel like a stranger.And as nice as they are to me im sure they'd rather he was with her

 

Shes a very very outgoing girl but In her defence i donteven think shes trying to make me feel awkward but having breakfast with yourbf's ex while shes all "daney can you bring me more juice" and imsitting there - his gf and wouldnt ever call him 'daney', its always dane - and it just is awkward

 

Advice?

has anyone been here??

 

Wow, how insensitive of your bf and his family members! Anyone with a shred of EQ would know this would put you in an uncomfortable situation. Are you sure they have broken off cleanly already? Is the ex gf trying to mark her territory or show you that she is very close to your bf and still have control over him? She is incredibly insensitive as well and it appears that she's trying to show off to you on her relationship with your ex bf and his family members?

[Leigh 87]

You sound young.

 

This is really messed up, it sounds like his ex is very close to them all.

 

If his family means that much to them I do not think they should

 

I would have set boundaries, for instance:

 

- reducing the time she spends there. Twice a week is enough, she does not need to come over every day. She does not need to ring your bf every day.

 

- if he is serious about you, he needs to tell her to stop using pet names towards him, because it makes you uncomfortable

 

- he needs to let her spend time with his family, without interacting much with her himself.

 

- it is never okay for a boyfriend to make you feel like s stranger in his own home.

 

............

 

 

The good news is, if he truly loved her he would be with her still. Still, it is not healthy to spend so much time with an ex.

 

I hope to be good friends with my ex one day! But not any time soon, and I would not spend a lot of time with him if I had a new person in my life.

[Mackie]

Ok, honestly? RUN!!!

The think is - i really like my bf and things with him are great!

 

I am not certain if he ever explained it to you how their relationship is now or ever even told you that she would be there. I am curious to know how you reacted if he did tell you. I am not insecure, but if it was me, I would not feel comfortable with that at all. You asked advice? You're getting it. Get out of there. Sorry.

err well i knew when i met him he was still on good terms with his ex (which i thought at the time was good casue it meant he must of treated her well) and that his family were still friendly with her - i probably didnt realise how friendly!

 

he told me when we were diving to his that she'd be there and was that cool? i couldnt be like no, so i was like 'yeah, but wont that be really awkward' and he said 'ahh no no its cool, she's all bark if anything she's a nice girl - you'll like her'

 

I think he genuinelly dosent see why it would be a problem!

[Mackie]

Are you sure they have broken off cleanly already?

Yeah im pretty sure, i met him through a friend who is really good friends with his sister, and his sister introduced me to him and shes super pally with his ex so if there was anything still going on she wouldnt of done that!

AND to be fair its not really my bf - he didnt exactly ask her to be there!

 

Is the ex gf trying to mark her territory or show you that she is very close to your bf and still have control over him? She is incredibly insensitive as well and it appears that she's trying to show off to you on her relationship with your ex bf and his family members?

I dont understand the girl - shes very confident, y'know? very loud a bit fiesty - yet all i hear about her from then is that shes a 'sweetheart'. I mena i cant say she wasnt friendly to me cause she was - it was almost like she didnt even think but at the same time it would surprise me for another girl not to realise she was making me feel awkward!

[Mackie]

reducing the time she spends there. Twice a week is enough, she does not need to come over every day. She does not need to ring your bf every day.

I dont know how much time she spends at the house or with them but to be fair she dosent contact my bf directly much! Like he'll ask me to read his texts to him when he's driving and a few times its been from her (and obv i cant help but read the convo - it pops right up i cant not ) and its nothing that i could be angry about without sounding crazy! it's about his brothers birthday or his mountain biking nothing to threaten our relationship!

 

if he is serious about you, he needs to tell her to stop using pet names towards him, because it makes you uncomfortable

The think is if i start making him tell her things like that its going to make things more awkward between me and her! I think it makes it look like im the difficult one and i dont want to escalate things and make it awkward between me and his family.

 

- he needs to let her spend time with his family, without interacting much with her himself.

- it is never okay for a boyfriend to make you feel like s stranger in his own home.

To be fair to my boyfriend he didnt spend that much time with her, aside from a few card games (im sure thats different if i wasnt there) but we spent most of the evening in there lounge where she and his sibilings were in there like games room whey've never got a pool table & bar.

He's such a lovely guy and i dont blame him for the situatuion and its not that they dont make me feel welcome and make an effort but its that kind of 'new girl at school' feeling.

 

______

 

how old are you??

I'm 19 not far of 20 thou.

 

if you dont like it, you draw the line.

dont wait for someone else to d it for you. cause they all are fine with the situation

how it is now.

I dont like it, its far from ideal, but it seems such a stupid reason to draw the line when he's such a great guy and we have a good time!

[Phoebe]

It doesn't sound to me like she's after your bf, it sounds like his family have become surrogates for her when both her parents died. They all see each other as family, and you feel like the new girl here because to be honest you are the new girl. If you want a future with this guy then you can maybe drop it casually into conversation that his ex calling him nicknames is uncomfortable for you. Do not make a big deal out of it, do not try and set limits on how much time she can spend around his family. If you decide to give him an ultimatium don't be surprised if doesn't pick you, and even if he does don't be surprised if his family aren't as keen on you as they used to be.

[Mackie]

it's not stupid reason, the ex sounds like she was spoiled as a child, cuz she has to be noticed, and where's her own boyf?

I dunno, I don't know all that much about her, but reading between the lines I think her lifes been pretty tough - which is why I guess I can kinda see from her point of view why shes hung around.

 

her or me, is what I'd say to him, at least to get a reaction, or date others, yup, welcome to the world of grown womanhood

The problem with that is I don't want to be like this controlling gf who makes his life difficult and more than that he cant even control who his brothers or sister have at the house.

 

she should be moving on, not acting like she's still 15, I'd be suspicious of her inability to, or dislike of, getting a new life, if you are suspicious too deep down, I wouldn't blame you or be surprised, I feel sorry for you

I dunno, I mean like I say I guess I can kind of understand - there nice people and I guess as shes not got that anywhere else. But though I trust my bf I also kinda see that being with Dane would strengthen her link - although they broke up, so I dunno!

 

my two cents

Thank you!

Edited May 18, 2013 by Mackie

[Mackie]

It doesn't sound to me like she's after your bf, it sounds like his family have become surrogates for her when both her parents died. They all see each other as family, and you feel like the new girl here because to be honest you are the new girl. If you want a future with this guy then you can maybe drop it casually into conversation that his ex calling him nicknames is uncomfortable for you. Do not make a big deal out of it, do not try and set limits on how much time she can spend around his family. If you decide to give him an ultimatium don't be surprised if doesn't pick you, and even if he does don't be surprised if his family aren't as keen on you as they used to be.

 

Yeah I get that! That's why I don't want to start kicking up a fuss cause obviously they'll stand by her, tbh what kind of people would they be if they didn't!

[apple OR orange]

this is very simple

 

His family dynamic is not for you, you either live with it, or leave him.... you can’t dictate who does what and how, if YOU don’t like it, then YOU leave.

 

Honest and true answer.

[scorpio1978]

That's really odd. Does he have any boundaries with her? Reminds me of the movie Meet The Parents where Ben Stiller's character meet's Owen Wilson's character.

 

 

I was thinking the SAME thing about the movie....

[Mackie]

this is very simple

 

His family dynamic is not for you, you either live with it, or leave him.... you can’t dictate who does what and how, if YOU don’t like it, then YOU leave.

 

Honest and true answer.

 

Yeah I get that! I want to be cool with it and learn to live with it, its just not as easy as I thought it would be!

[Curious-One]

Thats a bit odd for you and i can see how you might feel uncomfterble. Most people dont bring their current gf to hangout with their ex especially with parents.

 

 

I would have a srs talk to him about it.

[serial muse]

OP, any idea why they broke up, exactly? And who broke up with whom?

 

I'm not sure that there's anything nefarious to this, but that doesn't make it thoughtful or fair to you. To be fair, it kind of sounds like your BF is in an awkward position, too, if it's his family that's the engine behind this. If he were older, I might think differently about it, but he's 18 and if he lives at home, it's a somewhat different question than an ex hanging around at 30.

 

It's hard to know what to advise...it could all be innocent, just kind of clueless on his family's part. But like I said, that doesn't mean it's OK. I would feel confused and concerned too, in your shoes.

 

Does everyone live at home?

[Mackie]

Objectively, Mackie, if somebody came to you with the same problem, what would you advise her to do?

 

Yeah I know, I know, i'd probably be like 'just suck it up - you've got the guy'....guess its different when its actually me though!

[Mackie]

Look, they broke up a year ago. If they were going to fix things they would have, his family, has supported her and brought her into their family, regardless of his relationship with their son. She is good friends with his sister, and his brothers gf's.

 

Just think of her like a cousin to them. She is a part of their family whether you like it or not. She obviously isn't there for him. She is fine with you because their relationship wore out. There is nothing there romantically between them, they are familiar and will have nick names and inside jokes you won't understand, but neither of them are looking at eachother for anything other than friendship. I think it's wonderful his family didnt ostracize her after they broke up. She needs them.

 

Just look at him and know, he wants you.

 

Yeah its true! I think that probably is my best, and only, option really - theres not much else I can do!

If I look at it objectively then yeah it is nice of them, cause she hasn't really got any other 'family' - like I say there nice people.

[Mackie]

OP, any idea why they broke up, exactly? And who broke up with whom?

Urm like I say I think it was pretty amicable but I think she broke up with him. Something to do with she though they had got too serious to young and she wanted to cool it and Dane was of the opinion if you love someone you love them you don't need to cool it and they just broke up.

 

I'm not sure that there's anything nefarious to this, but that doesn't make it thoughtful or fair to you. To be fair, it kind of sounds like your BF is in an awkward position, too, if it's his family that's the engine behind this. If he were older, I might think differently about it, but he's 18 and if he lives at home, it's a somewhat different question than an ex hanging around at 30.

 

It's hard to know what to advise...it could all be innocent, just kind of clueless on his family's part. But like I said, that doesn't mean it's OK. I would feel confused and concerned too, in your shoes.

 

Does everyone live at home

 

Yeah see I don't really blame him because he cant control who his family see and don't see (although i'm pretty sure he likes her company as much as his family do).

But yeah all his brothers and his sister still live at home, along with one of his brothers girlfriends (because her family emigrated) - it sounds like a hell of a lot of people but its quite a big house - his dad won some money on survivor when he was younger & bought it!

Yeah like I feel like if I want them to get to like me I shouldn't be kicking up a fuss about her being there!

[serial muse]

Yeah like I feel like if I want them to get to like me I shouldn't be kicking up a fuss about her being there!

 

Sadly, this is probably really true. Honestly, as I said, I don't get the vibe that this is nefarious, certainly not on your BF's part (and he's the one that really matters)...and in fact it sounded a little bit like your BF is somewhat uncomfortable with the situation too, which makes sense if she's the one that initiated the breakup. Too bad his family isn't really paying attention/doesn't care.

 

I also feel like this girl is being intentionally oblivious, what with the "Daney" nickname business. She should know better. But to me it sounds like you should just stand your ground for now, and be universally pleasant to everyone, like it's all good.

 

his dad won some money on survivor when he was younger & bought it!

 

Ohhhh argh now I'm dying to know who it is! (don't tell us, of course, for privacy reasons - I'm just a fan of Survivor).

[Mackie]

Sadly, this is probably really true. Honestly, as I said, I don't get the vibe that this is nefarious, certainly not on your BF's part (and he's the one that really matters)...and in fact it sounded a little bit like your BF is somewhat uncomfortable with the situation too, which makes sense if she's the one that initiated the breakup. Too bad his family isn't really paying attention/doesn't care.

Yeah, and I genuinely trust my bf, he's a really honest guy he's not a cheat!

I think, because he does realise that it makes me a bit awkward makes it slightly uncomfortable for him, I sense hes almost - trying to hard to make it all cool - which equally I don't want to be putting that pressure on him.

 

I also feel like this girl is being intentionally oblivious, what with the "Daney" nickname business. She should know better. But to me it sounds like you should just stand your ground for now, and be universally pleasant to everyone, like it's all good.

Yeah I dunno, im normally pretty good at reading people but I cant read her - I don't know if its for my benefit or if she simply is so 'comfortable' with him she just dosent think, I dunno!

 

Ohhhh argh now I'm dying to know who it is! (don't tell us, of course, for privacy reasons - I'm just a fan of Survivor).

hahah ahh I know! he goes on about it allll the time Well he was no Richard Hatch - he was a nice guy on it!

[serial muse]

he goes on about it allll the time

 

This cracked me up, because I'll just bet that most people who were on that show would talk about it endlessly to their poor family and friends....

 

 

"Yes, you were on Survivor, we knoooooooooooooooowwwww...."

[Mackie]

This cracked me up, because I'll just bet that most people who were on that show would talk about it endlessly to their poor family and friends....

 

 

"Yes, you were on Survivor, we knoooooooooooooooowwwww...."

 

hahah yeah literally!! its like "what do you guys want for dinner - cause when I was on survivor..."

[Shepp]

Urm like I say I think it was pretty amicable but I think she broke up with him. Something to do with she though they had got too serious to young and she wanted to cool it and Dane was of the opinion if you love someone you love them you don't need to cool it and they just broke up.!

So they properly broke up? or they cooled it/broke up as in intending to get back together?

 

But yeah all his brothers and his sister still live at home, along with one of his brothers girlfriends (because her family emigrated) - it sounds like a hell of a lot of people but its quite a big house - his dad won some money on survivor when he was younger & bought it!

Wow....im jealous i want a go at that show!!!!

[Mackie]

Don't dismiss all of your valid concerns. The way they broke up makes them prime for an on again, off again relationship.

Really, you think?

 

How do you think most self respecting guys would act if you were regularly around your ex boyfriend. Would it be fine if the first time your new boyfriend was meeting your family you had an ex who you were kind of dumped by hugging your mother and lounging around at your place?

It wasn't the first time I met his family but yeah I get that - it isn't what anyone would want I don't see I have much of an option thou:

- I leave a really nice guy over it (which I don't really want to do)

- I tell him I can't be at the house when she's there (which I doubt his family will be too impressed by ands gonna cause problems for him over family functions etc! Plus I think that makes it look like I'm the high maintenence one and she's the innocent party)

- I put up with it somehow... (not ideal)

 

I just don't see an alternative option really!

[Mackie]

So they properly broke up? or they cooled it/broke up as in intending to get back together?

They properly broke up, but stayed friends

 

Wow....im jealous i want a go at that show!!!!

Haha