Keeping it hot...

[busdriver]

You know what? Sex is over-rated!!!!! The idea that keeping things hot in the bedroom will save your M or prevent your H from cheating is simply not true.

 

This is FACT. There is nothing my W and I could have done sexually to prevent an A. And yes, I mean this on her end as well as mine. I would not have blamed her for seeking that validation elsewhere either. A very long-term M like ours cannot support the ideal of unending passion. It just can't. I am happy for those who have found this, but most of us don't. The same person in the same bed after a number of years becomes routine.

 

If you want to keep things hot, don't be "married". Don't have kids, don't live together, don't ever let your guard down. Date forever.

 

But if you want something more substantial than "HOT", be real with each other. Admit your weaknesses and your hang-ups. Be accepted and be loved.

 

The erotic is movement toward the "other" -- but love attempts to transform "others" into "one". These are two different things. Why is it so wrong to admit it? Marriage is the opposite of "hot"!

[xxoo]

The same person in the same bed after a number of years becomes routine.

 

Why? Why can't married sex be intimate and open and raw?

 

For me, my marriage is a safe place to explore my deepest sexuality. But that is primarily because I feel so connected to this man, and I trust him so much. I could have hot tinglies with a new guy, but I'm not convinced I could reach the same levels of sexual discovery.

 

What is "hot"? Is it a rush of electricity when you touch, making it difficult to focus on anything but that person? Yes, that fades, thank goodness. We do need to get things done other than sex!

 

Or is it a deep, smoldering heat that fires up in the bedroom, reminding you how well this person knows your mind, your body, and your desires?

 

The caveat is: to attain the latter, you have to allow your partner in and let them learn your mind, body, and desires.

[ComingInHot]

busdriver wrote, "marriage is the opposite of hot!"

 

 

 

That is Sooooooo sad for you! Sex IN M is one of the HOTTEST things to Me**

 

No fear of STD

Ability to "Explore" freely

Jumping each other at 3am*

Quickies in the laundry room

Long sessions first thing in the morning

Adding batteries when yours are low

Surprise "nooners"!!

Never having to be embarrassed or self conscious about Who you are

sexy surprises under your pillow

Never having to worry about getting outed by an AP & seeing the look of utter devestation & heartbreak in your spouses eyes knowing You & a stranger caused it*

[RickFox]

So after replying to a thread here I decided to have a conversation with my H about his behavior with the OW and how it bothered me that the same kind of heat and regard is not applied in our marriage.

 

It has been 8 months since DDay and next month it will be a year since he last touched the OW. The fact that this is a topic between us is hurtful still. We went through our hysterical bonding stage and things are just stable. But I have to say what is missing is the heat.

 

He sends me poetry, he will say he loves me and he will follow me into the bedroom on any given night he is home with me but there is no lead up into any of it. There are no texts or sexy words to anticipate what is to come.

 

I feel like things are drying up and have given him a warning. I agree with many of the BS here when they say they look at their WS sideways now and they are not sure who they married.

 

I agreed to work with my H to rebuild our M but this is the hardest part. Going to that place where he has been with someone else and not sure if the fantasies in his mind while we are having sex are memories of the past. Even though this person is gone the memories unfortunately remain.

 

I can't say that we have created any profound ones to override what he probably experience. He has cried about the whole situation insisting he is totally in love with me and always has been even through that experience, but of course I have a hard time believing it. But I try.

 

I want us to find a way to get it and keep it hot. I just feel he will never be that uninhibited person he was, when he was with her.

 

I feel down the road if this doesn't change this may be the deal breaker. Anyone else feel this way?

 

 

While I can't speak for your H, this was and is a concern for my W and if I can tell you that I don't think of my xAP during the moments my W and I share, I hope that you may come to see that your H is also done with that aspect. In the beginning I did, but I found it was not helpful and therefore do not wish to relive ANY memory of xmw and I.

[Quiet Storm]

This is FACT. There is nothing my W and I could have done sexually to prevent an A. And yes, I mean this on her end as well as mine. I would not have blamed her for seeking that validation elsewhere either. A very long-term M like ours cannot support the ideal of unending passion. It just can't. I am happy for those who have found this, but most of us don't. The same person in the same bed after a number of years becomes routine.

 

If you want to keep things hot, don't be "married". Don't have kids, don't live together, don't ever let your guard down. Date forever.

 

But if you want something more substantial than "HOT", be real with each other. Admit your weaknesses and your hang-ups. Be accepted and be loved.

 

The erotic is movement toward the "other" -- but love attempts to transform "others" into "one". These are two different things. Why is it so wrong to admit it? Marriage is the opposite of "hot"!

 

Speak for yourself, because my marriage is still hot. We've been together 22 years.

 

You can find novelty within your marriage by trying new things, like role playing (possibilities are endless). He knows my body like the back of his own hand, but that doesn't mean things have to get boring.

 

We are real with each other. Sharing & exploring fantasies, even odd ones, is real. When you can be yourself sexually, without fear of judgement, that is real.

 

It takes effort and creativity. You also have to genuinely enjoy it. We tend to make time for activities that we like. If you don't enjoy sex, and see it as a chore or a duty, you wont prioritize it.

 

My husband gets a lot of enjoyment out of my pleasure. He loves knowing he can satisfy and excite me. So if most men are like him, then its not just about his own orgasm. It's about mutual pleasure and getting off on your wife's excitement. If a wife isn't interested or satisfied, just going through the motions would be boring for most men. The underlying lack of desire, or even basic skills, needs to be addressed. Men aren't mind readers, and you often have to be direct about what you want him to do.

 

I don't think sex is overrated though. I think it is essential.

[jnel921]

I agree with that, because I think cheating is a character issue.

 

However, there have been downtimes in our marriage and sex has been our glue. When things get hard, it's an easy way to connect and make each other feel good.

 

I want the sex to be passionate. I need it to mean something more in this time of R and healing.

 

I need to connect to him emotionally again. Right now stress, worry and frustrations seem to be the only feelings I have. that's not good.

[jnel921]

This is FACT. There is nothing my W and I could have done sexually to prevent an A. And yes, I mean this on her end as well as mine. I would not have blamed her for seeking that validation elsewhere either. A very long-term M like ours cannot support the ideal of unending passion. It just can't. I am happy for those who have found this, but most of us don't. The same person in the same bed after a number of years becomes routine.

 

If you want to keep things hot, don't be "married". Don't have kids, don't live together, don't ever let your guard down. Date forever.

 

But if you want something more substantial than "HOT", be real with each other. Admit your weaknesses and your hang-ups. Be accepted and be loved.

 

The erotic is movement toward the "other" -- but love attempts to transform "others" into "one". These are two different things. Why is it so wrong to admit it? Marriage is the opposite of "hot"!

 

I don't agree with your idea that M is the opposite of hot. I don't believe that when 2 people get married that passion begins a slow death and in order to revive that the need to step outside of the M now comes into play.

 

M is a partnership. The person you share your life, dreams, goals and love with. Their should be support and encouragement on both sides. The passion and desire for each other shouldn't get to the point where it is non existent.

 

I don't need a room mate. I want love and the passion. Because we are rebuilding our broken foundation I feel there is a great opportunity to fall in love again. Do things with each other that keeps it fresh and hot. This may be the only way to stop all of the routine stuff we all complain about and want to avoid.

 

If this is gone then why stay together? bus driver, I am not sure why you don't believe a long term marriage can support unending passion yet it's ok to go out and validate it outside of the marriage?

 

When this is the issue it's time to reevaluate the M. Talk to your spouse, perhaps go to MC.

 

I chose to have this conversation with my H. As I said this could be the ultimate deal breaker. I want to know and feel my H wants and loves me. A few kind words and simple gestures aren't enough. When I saw the great lengths he went to to keep it hot with the OW of course it made me feel a certain way. That effort and time should have been given to me. That is hurtful and is probably why I hold back sometimes too. I still feel he is not 100% deserving of me. I have yet to say I love him again. It is just still a difficult part of this process.

 

I want to speak to him further on this topic this weekend. We really need to be on the same page. When we do talk it's about everything under the sun except us. I don't want us to lose focus. I want to be able to look into my husbands eyes again and feel what I felt prior to all of this hurt.

 

When I got married, I married because I believed in committed relationships. It is sad that in my lifetime both M suffered due to cheating. Although both situations had different outcomes and I decided to R with my H the healing process has been slow and hard. The small amounts of time we have together have not been spent in the best ways possible. We need to work on improving that.

 

The goal is to fall madly in love again. I pray to god that happens.

[angie2443]

There's a lot of posts on here saying how to arrouse a partner, how to keep it hot, and even a couple of warnings of what can happen if the sex itsn't good or is missing completely. I wonder, though, how deeply the past A is effecting OP's sex life and if the husband is really trying to "make it hot" with OP. Jnel, I hope your husband is making a really strong attemp to make you feel safe with him again and I hope, after the talk, he pulls his weight in making your sex life with him strong again.

[angie2443]

This is FACT. There is nothing my W and I could have done sexually to prevent an A. And yes, I mean this on her end as well as mine. I would not have blamed her for seeking that validation elsewhere either. A very long-term M like ours cannot support the ideal of unending passion. It just can't. I am happy for those who have found this, but most of us don't. The same person in the same bed after a number of years becomes routine.

 

If you want to keep things hot, don't be "married". Don't have kids, don't live together, don't ever let your guard down. Date forever.

 

But if you want something more substantial than "HOT", be real with each other. Admit your weaknesses and your hang-ups. Be accepted and be loved.

 

The erotic is movement toward the "other" -- but love attempts to transform "others" into "one". These are two different things. Why is it so wrong to admit it? Marriage is the opposite of "hot"!

 

If you do not have children, you might want to consider divorce. Not everyone is meant to be married and you might be one of those people. There is nothing wrong with that. I you stay married, though, you're partner might be hurt over and over.

[findingnemo]

This is FACT. There is nothing my W and I could have done sexually to prevent an A. And yes, I mean this on her end as well as mine. I would not have blamed her for seeking that validation elsewhere either. A very long-term M like ours cannot support the ideal of unending passion. It just can't. I am happy for those who have found this, but most of us don't. The same person in the same bed after a number of years becomes routine.

 

If you want to keep things hot, don't be "married". Don't have kids, don't live together, don't ever let your guard down. Date forever.

 

But if you want something more substantial than "HOT", be real with each other. Admit your weaknesses and your hang-ups. Be accepted and be loved.

 

The erotic is movement toward the "other" -- but love attempts to transform "others" into "one". These are two different things. Why is it so wrong to admit it? Marriage is the opposite of "hot"!

 

Your posts leave me asking more questions. What does the last sentence mean? Are you saying human beings were made to love many as opposed to one? That loving and sleeping with one person for decades is unnatural?

[weedsandposies]

Since you both have the weekends off, why not consider taking him somewhere for the weekend to talk. Doesn't have to be extravagant, maybe Jersey shore bed and breakfast or up norht in the woods since it's rainy (romantic). Taking him out of the usual environment can help spark the M again. Your concern is valid.