Keeping it hot...

[Spark1111]

There definitely needs to be balance. Each family needs to assess that balance individually. Sometimes the kids are already short-changed, and work or personal hobbies (or affairs....) are knocking things out of balance.

 

I have not had two hours alone in over 20 years......

 

We had no privacy, ever! want hot sex with me? take me away from aging parents, three active children, many jobs, obligations, responsibilities, blah, blah, blah......

 

My girlfriend, who's H ALSO had an affair with a D mom whose xH had custody every other weekend said to me: "IF I HAD every other weekend child-free, with a quiet house, I TOO could have been running around naked with high heels on!"

 

Give me a break! I wanted that, but NEVERhad it. How could I compete with that?I couldn't.

[Spark1111]

You know, this was going to be part of my advice, but everytime I say this I'm accused of bashing and I'm not. I truly think that's a big part of the secret, don't become "ordinary" to one another. You're working so hard at everything else, Don't be afraid to work at it... at letting the OTHER things go to focus on the 2 of you. The dishes are still going to be there tomorrow, if you miss one little league game because you NEEDED a date night with your spouse it isn't going to cause permanent damage, if you have to give up a phone call with your sister or your best friend to go shave your legs so YOU feel sexier then do it. Even if it feels like you are the one giving all the time at first, it does become a 2 way street.

Of course if he doesn't start stepping it up too then he should be called on it, but it's about making the effort on both sides and listening to what the other person is saying about what they want and need.

 

I agree with this.....

 

After DDay, when my H was bemoaning WTEVERTHell his complaint was....I said to him, do you realize you NEVER let me seduce you? If I laid a hand on your thigh, or even your back, we were at it, whether that was my intent or not?

 

I NEVER set the stage, lit a candle, made a dinner, or hung on every word....I touched him ANYWHERE and he was....ready to go.

 

It shocked me. So he said,Go ahead.... Seduce me....

 

it lasted all of 35 seconds. THAT is when I KNEW we were going to be okay....No matter what he thought he felt, believed, thought was true.....his biology....COULD not lie....

 

Jnel.....just do it!

[fllygirl]

 

But I have to say what is missing is the heat.

 

We do all kinds of things in anticipation of sex. It begins hours before...

 

 

if my H had begun hours before setting the stage for it.....I'd have been ripping his clothes off too.

 

To me, the biggest thing is staying connected and never taking each other for granted. Really see each other. Acknowledge and appreciate all the little things you do for each other. See your partner's greatness, whether at work or at hobby or at parenting. Strive to be your partner's biggest fan, and to be worthy of that in return.

 

If you can stay present that way, each believing that the other is truly the cat's meow, there is no need for wigs and props. The passion burns on its own.

 

95% of it happens outside the bedroom.

 

this is it. You can try to start making even small changes or you can keep looking for valid excuses. Its all up to you.

[Spark1111]

this is it. You can try to start making even small changes or you can keep looking for valid excuses. Its all up to you.

 

I will shout this broken record over and over again.....

 

Complacency KILLS more relationships than anything else!

[findingnemo]

I installed a strobe light in the bedroom and shag carpeting.:bunny:

 

Great ideas!!! What's shag carpeting?

[Summer Breeze]

I have not had two hours alone in over 20 years......

 

We had no privacy, ever! want hot sex with me? take me away from aging parents, three active children, many jobs, obligations, responsibilities, blah, blah, blah......

 

My girlfriend, who's H ALSO had an affair with a D mom whose xH had custody every other weekend said to me: "IF I HAD every other weekend child-free, with a quiet house, I TOO could have been running around naked with high heels on!"

 

Give me a break! I wanted that, but NEVERhad it. How could I compete with that?I couldn't.

 

This isn't really directed at you S111 but more the comment your friend made. I was a single mother from the time my D was a pre-schooler. Her Dad took her once in a while and when he did I was spending my time grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, catching up with relatives who took a back seat. All the things that fell massively behind during the weeks when she was home and I was the only 1 getting her to Dr apts, school functions, making lunches, staying up all night when she had nightmares or was sick, making cupcakes and cookies for school, volunteering for parent organizations, ferrying her back and forth to everything and anything. Being a single mother and knowing you have about 48 hours off to catch up on everything you need to catch up on doesnt' really make running around naked in high heels very realistic.

 

The other thing I wanted to mention was I agree you need to keep it fresh and new and sometimes kids functions are not a priority. I don't see what's wrong with making sex with your H a priority over a little league game. Have a neighbor take the kids and reciprocate for them one day too. Everyone talks about how D rocks the kids, and it does, but not everyone wants to take a clear look at how to make the M a priority in order to hopefully prevent a D.

[OpenBook]

I agree you need to keep it fresh and new and sometimes kids functions are not a priority. I don't see what's wrong with making sex with your H a priority over a little league game. Have a neighbor take the kids and reciprocate for them one day too. Everyone talks about how D rocks the kids, and it does, but not everyone wants to take a clear look at how to make the M a priority in order to hopefully prevent a D.

 

Suitable for framing.

[xxoo]

I have not had two hours alone in over 20 years......

 

Why not?

 

I get it....kids, parents, jobs....but after 5 or 6 months of no times for myself, I sit down and brainstorm what can change.

 

We've had times when it was extremely difficult to get time together, alone, relaxed, but after 5 or 6 months of that crap, I sit down and figure out a plan.

 

If it were the kids in need of something, we'd find the time. If it were the job, we'd find the time. If it were the parents, we'd find the time.

 

When it is ourselves, or our marriage, we need to find the time. Something else can take a turn being short-changed.

 

Take a morning for yourself if you want it! Take a personal day from work just for yourself!

[jnel921]

Why not?

 

I get it....kids, parents, jobs....but after 5 or 6 months of no times for myself, I sit down and brainstorm what can change.

 

We've had times when it was extremely difficult to get time together, alone, relaxed, but after 5 or 6 months of that crap, I sit down and figure out a plan.

 

If it were the kids in need of something, we'd find the time. If it were the job, we'd find the time. If it were the parents, we'd find the time.

 

When it is ourselves, or our marriage, we need to find the time. Something else can take a turn being short-changed.

 

Take a morning for yourself if you want it! Take a personal day from work just for yourself!

 

Easier said than done. My kids are high schoolers so they go to bed at 10pm when I do. When my H is home we can't start anything until after that time. I get up at 5am to go to work so time is of the essence as I would like to be well rested for work but because I want to have sex with my H have to sacrifice this.

 

This happens Sunday and Mondays. Not your ideal days. Often times I am exhausted. Especially on Mondays when I get home from work. My commute to and from work is 2 hours each way. So this takes it's toll. I usually get home by 7:30 - 8pm every night. When I do the kids take center stags, going over their day. Confirming activities or plans. All the while I am preparing my dinner and sitting and listening. I take a shower and before you know it it's 10pm.

 

It's tough to be sexy in front of my kids. This is why I suggested to my H that he call or text me.

 

My kids are constantly around. I really don't have control over this. But the few minutes we do have together need to feel explosive to me and not just a rushed chore to get it out of our system.

 

There is also the added difficulty of getting over the A and trying to embrace passion again with your WS. Not always so easy.

 

When you have no children it's much easier to dedicate that time and effort. if you are like me in my 40's with teen kids, a job and a tight schedule it gets tough.

[dichotomy]

My h and I make our room a kid free zone. We try new things and also stick with what works. He loves when I vocalize how I feel... You make me sooo wet. He likes how I look in yoga pants so I wear them around the house. I'll casually bump my a55 into him as we pass in the hall, or bend over to pick up toys & give him a view & a flirty smile, brush my boobs on his arm as I reach past him to get something. Even in mom mode, I still give him little looks or hints to show him that I want him. He knows kids are first, but also knows i'll have time for him, too.

 

You are an amazing wife.

[waterwoman]

All this advice is about sex. Sex is not the same as passion. Hell sometimes sex isn't even the same as love.

 

I don't have any problem with H wanting my body - never have. Really good at the saucy texts, walking around with no knickers blah blah blah. I want him to want ME, what's between my ears not my legs, what I think and feel, my opinions, my sense of humour. THAT is what tends to matter more long-term. Easy to find time for a shag. Not so easy to find time for talking and spending relaxed time in each other's company.

[Summer Breeze]

You don't have to miss a child's event to bond with your spouse.

 

I was M to a man who cheated on me, I was in a 15 year R after, I have a child and raised step kids and foster kids, and I'm as much a M counsellor as most people on here. I actually thought this was a great thread with women chatting about something interesting and that would interest us all. I agree with everyone saying it's tough to keep the heat in a LTR but I also know from experience how detrimental it is not to find a way.

Edited June 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Summer Breeze]

true...why not go together if you can...

 

There is something that can be really nice about seeing a life that you created together, helped nurture and grow together do well in life...

 

There is so much bore to being bonded than just sex...although that is very important. Placing too much emphasis on any one part of your relationship isn't good...each area is part of something larger that makes the whole thing great...

 

you can send ball the sexy texts, put on all the great lingerie and shave your legs until the razor fall apart, but if there is nothing more to your relationship, then it's hollow and empty...maybe this is why many affairs don't amount to long term relationships that are stable...

 

combine those with love, shared goals, working together for the good of you relationship and your family and the world around you, spending quiet times together, relax together, do chores together , have fun together, do all the other little things that married people do everyday without even thinking about it and know that it's a relationship built on honesty, trust, and goodwill towards the rest of the world, and you can end up with something great...

 

try thinking "we" instead of "me"

 

I think the bolded says it all.

[threelaurels]

I have not had two hours alone in over 20 years......

 

I think you should start a penny jar saving up to have the vacation of your life when the last of the kids leaves the nest and goes to college. You need a break, woman!

 

Oftentimes, a married couple doesn't have an ex spouse who can take the kids, grandparents and other extended family may live thousands of km away, and if they are struggling to make ends meet, paying for a babysitter may be out of the question...

 

I am hesitant to give any advice here because I'm not a parent, and I know how parents typically view non-parents giving advice, but...

 

I think a great solution to this problem is to start a "kid swap" with a trusted neighbor or family friend. You take their kids one day/night of the month, and they take your kids one day/night of the month. When it's your turn, you can take all the kids out to do something fun (movies, zoo, whatever) and then let them all have a sleepover in the living room together. When it's your night off, you get to relax and have alone time with your spouse

 

My parents used to do this when I was young, so I thought I'd throw it out there

[Spark1111]

Why not?

 

I get it....kids, parents, jobs....but after 5 or 6 months of no times for myself, I sit down and brainstorm what can change.

 

We've had times when it was extremely difficult to get time together, alone, relaxed, but after 5 or 6 months of that crap, I sit down and figure out a plan.

 

If it were the kids in need of something, we'd find the time. If it were the job, we'd find the time. If it were the parents, we'd find the time.

 

When it is ourselves, or our marriage, we need to find the time. Something else can take a turn being short-changed.

 

Take a morning for yourself if you want it! Take a personal day from work just for yourself!

 

I have and do all of this now.

 

Like Jnel, my H's affair happened when I too had high schoolers and constant traffic in and out of our home. I also worked long hours to help keep it afloat.

 

His fOW was D with a young child who was picked up every other weeken by her xH.

 

There were no pets or aging parents to care for. She was completely alone and available to hang on his every word and to satisfy his every whim.

 

His job DID require extensive travel at times. Unfortunately, much of it was to her home when she was alone.

 

How could I compete with that scenario? I could not. Too many people...too many responsibilities.

[xxoo]

Easier said than done. My kids are high schoolers so they go to bed at 10pm when I do. When my H is home we can't start anything until after that time. I get up at 5am to go to work so time is of the essence as I would like to be well rested for work but because I want to have sex with my H have to sacrifice this.

 

This happens Sunday and Mondays. Not your ideal days. Often times I am exhausted. Especially on Mondays when I get home from work. My commute to and from work is 2 hours each way. So this takes it's toll. I usually get home by 7:30 - 8pm every night. When I do the kids take center stags, going over their day. Confirming activities or plans. All the while I am preparing my dinner and sitting and listening. I take a shower and before you know it it's 10pm.

 

It's tough to be sexy in front of my kids. This is why I suggested to my H that he call or text me.

 

My kids are constantly around. I really don't have control over this. But the few minutes we do have together need to feel explosive to me and not just a rushed chore to get it out of our system.

 

There is also the added difficulty of getting over the A and trying to embrace passion again with your WS. Not always so easy.

 

When you have no children it's much easier to dedicate that time and effort. if you are like me in my 40's with teen kids, a job and a tight schedule it gets tough.

 

40s, kids, and job here, too.

 

I know it's difficult. I've got kids in both ends of the spectrum....one old enough to be up late and need rides everywhere, and the other young enough to still need lots of help and supervision.

 

We say yes to them about SO many things. One evening a week, when they want to stay up or out late, or go here or there, or have our attention, we say "no". It's date night. Date at home night. It means "night for you to go to bed early and leave us alone after 9 pm".

 

We can have sex while they're awake elsewhere in the house. I literally have sex on the floor because it's quieter than the bed, but I have it! I keep camping mats in my room for that purpose

 

One night a week, the kids can take the back seat. They are old enough. It's ok to explain that you and your husband are having time together, uninterrupted, that evening. It's a great example to set.

 

If your H is home earlier in the evening, can he set the stage for your 8 pm homecoming, with the dinner prepared and the kids making themselves scarce? A quiet dinner, glass of wine, shower together....

[HopingAgain]

I like most of the suggestions so far. I'd like to add another one that may be controversial but in the interest of keeping things hot and reclaiming your passion, has helped to work for us.

 

Try bringing an attitude of "anytime, anyplace" into your sex lives. I know this isn't always realistic, but it can be somewhat planned and still keep an air of spontaneity. This element is honestly part of the allure of affairs in the first place, the ramped up excitement and passion. Last week, my husband and I were walking around downtown at night, we decided to park by the waterfront and get busy in the backseat. When we got home, the race to the bedroom was then on. These types of experiences are what got lost in the humdrum of everyday life and familiarity. Sometimes you have to keep your husband guessing, keep some air of mystery about you, and this in itself increases desire on both ends.

[Quiet Storm]

My kids are 8, 10, 17 and we have no problem saying "Mom & Dad are going into our room for some alone time. Do not knock on our door unless it is an emergency. Somebody better be bleeding, broken or on fire!"

 

We flirt, kiss, hug with kids around.

 

We both work full time, our kids play sports, we have errands to run, other obbligations, etc.

 

For example, while my son is at soccer practice, instead of sitting the entire time, we will take walks around the fields, hold hands & talk. We also take showers together in the morning sometimes. It saves time & also gives us some alone time.

 

My kids all have chores, which saves me A LOT of time. I don't do the dishes, or unload dishwasher, or set or clear the table. I don't do the trash. I don't vacuum or sweep the floor. I don't dust. They sort, fold & put away their own laundry. My husband or I do the cooking (except once a week we have MYOD night). I clean the bathrooms & mop the kitchen floor. My husband and oldest do most of the outside chores.

 

My husband and I work full time, and my philosphy is that there is no reason that able bodied, healthy kids can't do their part for the household. We started them helping out very young, so they don't complain about the chores. It's just how it is for them, part of their daily routine.

 

We do sacrifice sleep sometimes, but it's worth it to us. I enjoy spending time with my husband, whether it is just watching an episode of Veep or having sex. It's fun for me. We relax & unwind together, and I'd rather do that then sleep. I typically get between 6-7 hours of sleep per night, and it works for me.

 

We haven't been on a vacation alone together in many years. We rarely schedule "date nights".

 

We just make time for each other on a daily basis, at home, with our kids in the house.

[findingnemo]

You know what? Sex is over-rated!!!!! The idea that keeping things hot in the bedroom will save your M or prevent your H from cheating is simply not true.

 

If I wasn't concentrating on my little babies, I was constantly trying to liven things up. Well, I got tired!! At some point, I made a decision. No more Brazilian waxes. No more wearing waist beads so that when I'm naked I am still adorned and when we have sex, they help stimulate certain parts of a man's body. No inviting what we call "sex aunties" into my home to tell me and my girlfriends about this and that technique and to give us herbal aphrodisiacs. (Don't ask. It is a whole story on its own).

 

No more using certain products for tightening down under although I believe I'm as tight as I ever was. Stopped buying Cosmo...you know? Those articles about what a man likes but won't tell you? My Kamasutra gathers dust till this day and there is that book on Tantric sex? Tried that one but xH found it too weird. When it comes to putting effort into one's sex life, my culture takes the damn cake.

 

I did everything and the foolish man (xH) still cheated. I did even more in my A being young and childless and still the sex wasn't good enough to entice xMM to leave his W. So the argument that men cheat because things are not hot enough at home....is a fallacy, a freaking crime of logic!!! My xH always said our sex was better. I know he gave me reasons why he cheated. Too many, none of which included getting more or better sex. Maybe he was too scared or something.

 

There must be a balance in life. I love sex, I really do. But if it is turned into a chore, then it just loses meaning for me.

[findingnemo]

 

that awful carpeting that was quite popular in the 70's ( at least in the back of vans, in pornography from the era and also tacky bachelor pads...)

 

it was thick and often came in horrendous shades of orange, green etc.

 

Never heard of it. Something to look into though...

[HopingAgain]

This is also true. No amount of good sex in itself will keep a man, or stop him from cheating. Good communication and emotional intimacy is even more important, lending a kind and listening ear to your spouse, and vice versa. Truly seeking to understand how they feel. The cliche that men don't like to talk about their feelings is untrue and does a disservice. When a man feels he won't be judged as weak or soft, hthey love to open up to their wives about their thoughts and feelings. This is an area where affairs take off too, feeling listened to and heard.

 

[/b][/b]B][/b]

You know what? Sex is over-rated!!!!! The idea that keeping things hot in the bedroom will save your M or prevent your H from cheating is simply not true.

 

If I wasn't concentrating on my little babies, I was constantly trying to liven things up. Well, I got tired!! At some point, I made a decision. No more Brazilian waxes. No more wearing waist beads so that when I'm naked I am still adorned and when we have sex, they help stimulate certain parts of a man's body. No inviting what we call "sex aunties" into my home to tell me and my girlfriends about this and that technique and to give us herbal aphrodisiacs. (Don't ask. It is a whole story on its own).

 

No more using certain products for tightening down under although I believe I'm as tight as I ever was. Stopped buying Cosmo...you know? Those articles about what a man likes but won't tell you? My Kamasutra gathers dust till this day and there is that book on Tantric sex? Tried that one but xH found it too weird. When it comes to putting effort into one's sex life, my culture takes the damn cake.

 

I did everything and the foolish man (xH) still cheated. I did even more in my A being young and childless and still the sex wasn't good enough to entice xMM to leave his W. So the argument that men cheat because things are not hot enough at home....is a fallacy, a freaking crime of logic!!! My xH always said our sex was better. I know he gave me reasons why he cheated. Too many, none of which included getting more or better sex. Maybe he was too scared or something.

 

There must be a balance in life. I love sex, I really do. But if it is turned into a chore, then it just loses meaning for me.

[Quiet Storm]

You know what? Sex is over-rated!!!!! The idea that keeping things hot in the bedroom will save your M or prevent your H from cheating is simply not true.

 

 

 

I agree with that, because I think cheating is a character issue.

 

However, there have been downtimes in our marriage and sex has been our glue. When things get hard, it's an easy way to connect and make each other feel good.

[xxoo]

There must be a balance in life. I love sex, I really do. But if it is turned into a chore, then it just loses meaning for me.

 

I agree. And that is why I think it is mostly about making time for each other, appreciating each other, staying connected, and being each other's biggest fan.

 

If you do all that, the sex comes easily without any effort. The sex is a natural fun result of effort put into connection.

[dichotomy]

You know what? Sex is over-rated!!!!! The idea that keeping things hot in the bedroom will save your M or prevent your H from cheating is simply not true.

 

 

I am sorry for what happened to you after all you did to provide passion.

 

I think the reasons for cheating are varied as are the people involved. I think sex can indeed be an issue. Perhaps not "bring newer and hotter stuff" all the time, but yes a lack of passion, a reduction in interest or value of sex by one partner - a substantial loss from what was an important part of the marriage - can create a vulnerability even in men or women of good character.

Edited June 5, 2013 by dichotomy

[Journee]

My h and I make our room a kid free zone. We try new things and also stick with what works. He loves when I vocalize how I feel... You make me sooo wet. He likes how I look in yoga pants so I wear them around the house. I'll casually bump my a55 into him as we pass in the hall, or bend over to pick up toys & give him a view & a flirty smile, brush my boobs on his arm as I reach past him to get something. Even in mom mode, I still give him little looks or hints to show him that I want him. He knows kids are first, but also knows i'll have time for him, too.

 

 

This is very much like H and I. Sometimes it is hard because we do have two very young ones, a toddler and an infant but we find ways to be sexual and sexy if sex is not possible at the moment. I am also very lucky to have a man that loves me with out makeup, with my hair all crazy and natural. Doesn't care if it's been three days (okay sometimes much longer ...don't judge me! lol) since I shaved my legs and loves the junk in my trunk. Often times we bond over simple things that lead to us just touching and kissing. He even runs up on me in the kitchen as I am cooking dinner to give me a squeeze.

 

I know that in our situation my husband and I were not acting and living as a married couple before he started seeing a co worker. He felt rejected and especially after DDay he didn't know what advances I was ready for but he went all in anyway. Maybe your H is afraid to overstep some boundaries and he has been waiting to get the green light from you.

 

Give him the proverbial rose petals to your lady town and just see if he doesn't follow that trail.. I bet he will. You are his wife and he loves you.

 

Good luck