He's 32, lives with roomates, and no drivers license

[Dusk1983]

This isn't fair. I wouldn't want to date a man that doesn't have car either.

 

Are you in your 30s? When was that photo taken?

[Dusk1983]

haven't read all posts, but just to put it out there - in ny and other large urban areas most 32 yo don't have a car, and do live with roommates. Like many, he might be saving for a down payment. I would prefer a guy who thinks about the future than a guy who spends 70% of income on rent.

 

Man, i couldn't care less about a guy having a car / what car / a driving's license. These are shallow things, for me. But maybe it makes sense in la or so.

 

All I can say is: thank you.

[runningfar]

What else is he like? Does he work? Does he have a passion? Does he volunteer? Work out? Does he sit around when he gets off work.

 

 

I would have no problem with someone who saves money with roommate and no car when it's not needed (though I'd expect a bicycle or something under his own power more than only others) - but he would have to have to be saving money and have solid reasoning that he backs up with action. He has to have passion at something.

 

If he's at home drinking beer and playing video games and wasting his money so he's stuck in that life in perpetuum, no way.

 

 

If you're worried about him knowing the stuff before you, do things that do not feature the stuff. Don't talk about it.

[pink_sugar]

Haven't read all posts, but just to put it out there - in NY and other large urban areas most 32 yo don't have a car, and do live with roommates. Like many, he might be saving for a down payment. I would prefer a guy who thinks about the future than a guy who spends 70% of income on rent.

 

 

^^^^This!!!! A lot of people downsize so they can save more for a house here. When you're paying $1500-$2500 in rent, you'll never afford to own your own home!

[sweetjasmine]

The major problem I have is not liking the type of person (at any age) who's always asking people for rides to this and that. I have a male friend who is 36 who always does so. Any time our circle of friends starts making plans, he's all, "Can you (whoever) pick me up?"

 

It's not so much the concept of not having a car that is a problem. It's more that it often has the residual effect of making you an annoying person who's always looking for a ride, and inconveniencing people who have to leave 30 to 45 minutes early for stuff in order to pick you up.

 

Yup. This is what my SIL is like. "Oh, I don't want to get my license or a car because I don't need it!" Yeah, and then every time something's going on, my H or MIL or someone has to go pick her up, and that's why she doesn't need it. Just the other day, she asked me to pick her up/drop her off somewhere in the one hour window I have between class and work. Sorry, not physically possible.

 

The other thing is the friend who's like "I can only go if you can give me a ride." (or if "someone" can give him/her a ride). It has this air of, like, their social fun is contingent on your generosity or not, and whether stated or not, you seem selfish for not being willing to pick them up.

 

This, too. "I'll go if you go, so we can go together." head+desk.

 

I also sometimes see it, especially when one lives in a driving city, as you (whoever) trying to be the exception to something that is pretty much a standard burden to everybody. It's a little unfair that everyone else has to make car payments, pay car insurance, buy gas, and you're just bumming rides...(I'm sure some people compensate a little for it, but still they're getting a convenience that most everybody doesn't get).

 

This is essentially it. And to still be doing that at 32...

 

The other big issue is that in an emergency, you already know you absolutely can't rely on them because they can't get around without calling half their friends and seeing who's available for a ride.

[pink_sugar]

Yup. This is what my SIL is like. "Oh, I don't want to get my license or a car because I don't need it!" Yeah, and then every time something's going on, my H or MIL or someone has to go pick her up, and that's why she doesn't need it. Just the other day, she asked me to pick her up/drop her off somewhere in the one hour window I have between class and work. Sorry, not physically possible.

 

 

This, too. "I'll go if you go, so we can go together." head+desk.

 

 

This is essentially it. And to still be doing that at 32...

 

The other big issue is that in an emergency, you already know you absolutely can't rely on them because they can't get around without calling half their friends and seeing who's available for a ride.

 

I got my license at 22 and my husband and are stuck sharing one car until we can afford a second one. Hopefully will be within another year, since we're graduating from college this summer. I don't think it's a big deal to ask for a ride if you tell them straight up to only do the favor if it's convenient for them or offer some cash for their time and gas.

 

My brother doesn't drive due to anxiety (he does have a license) but he bums rides off of everyone and makes a huge deal about not helping with gas money. He'll want to go somewhere and then be like "Oh well, you have to come and get me first". Now this is someone you do not give rides to! At 28 years old, my mom is driving him to work each morning at 5am. He needs to man up, ask his boss for slightly later working hours and take public transportation if he will not drive.

Edited June 4, 2013 by pink_sugar

[DepressedinDenver]

The OP already feels sooooo much better than him without even knowing him. She should take her superiority complex and leave the poor guy alone.

[truth_seeker]

His lifestyle is fine for him.

 

That's the red flag for me. He's content at 32 to not have a driver's license, live with roommates, and have people help him out all the time. You'll be taking care of him. May be fun for 1-2 months of dating but then what? I wouldn't waste time with this guy.

[liquid_amber]

when I was in my 20’s I dated a few guys who didn’t drive. Never again. It’s okay for a little while, but after a few dates I become resentful that I’m the only one doing the driving. It might be different if I lived in an area with excellent public transportation like NYC, but I live in an area where everyone is dependent on a car to get around. People who don’t have a car rely on others to act as their chauffeur. I wish I could afford a chauffeur, but I can’t, so I have to drive myself everywhere I want to go. When it comes to dating, at the very least I want someone who can share in the driving – maybe not do 100% of it, but they should at least be able to drive. At the very least, they should have a valid driver’s license so they can legally drive my car in an emergency situation. But if someone lives in a city where driving is necessary to get around, yet refuses to learn to drive or get a license, that’s a red flag. I’ve been there, done that in the past, and I’m not going there again.

[liquid_amber]

i also have a friend who doesn't drive, and over the years i find myself wanting to spend less and less time with her because i don't think it's fair that i have to do 100% of the driving when we go out. i have to pick her up, take her to wherever we are going, then drop her off - every time, because she doesn't drive. it just isn't fair. it would be fair if she could drive some of the time, but it's not fair for one person to drive all of the time.

[Jane2011]

i also have a friend who doesn't drive, and over the years i find myself wanting to spend less and less time with her because i don't think it's fair that i have to do 100% of the driving when we go out. i have to pick her up, take her to wherever we are going, then drop her off - every time, because she doesn't drive. it just isn't fair. it would be fair if she could drive some of the time, but it's not fair for one person to drive all of the time.

 

Years ago, I had a friend who I always "picked up" for stuff, too. She wasn't just around the corner, either. She was usually about 7-8 miles out of my way (I'm in a big city, though; it's not that unusual to drive even 10+ miles to a friend/whoever). But still, it was 7 miles one way (and 7 miles back)

 

It's not like it was all the time, but I'd say once a month to "go out" (we were both single and so went out for night life). From her perspective, it might have been..."well, it's just a once a month, and we're friends, so it's no big deal for her to pick me up."

 

And to a degree it wasn't. But the more it happens over time, the more it seems unfair...

 

Advice to anyone who has friends pick them up to go out or do some social event: if you're not gonna hand them some gas money (which can be kind of awkward, anyway), at least get two of their drinks, or one of their drinks, maybe their $8 dinner, the $5 parking at the stadium, or whatever.

 

My friend never did this, and that's exactly what I thought she should do. She was afraid of driving, that was her deal. I didn't expect her to share driving duties with me since she was scared out of her mind of doing so. But non-drivers who have friends pick them up should have some sense of fairness. It's not just gas; it's the wear and tear on the car (which adds up), and having to leave early to go get you and take extra time at the end of the night to take you back.

 

Ugh, even my guy friend who I picked up for stuff never said "A couple of drinks on me" or anything like that.

Edited June 4, 2013 by Jane2011

[Anela]

I don't have my license or a car, and I live with family, due to life circumstances, so I can't judge.

[Geiss]

I'm almost tempted to cut up my license, drive my car into the lake and go find myself some roommates.

 

So basically women here are saying until you have what they want you to have you will remain single.

 

I guess I'm staying single.

[truth_seeker]

Years ago, I had a friend who I always "picked up" for stuff, too. She wasn't just around the corner, either. She was usually about 7-8 miles out of my way (I'm in a big city, though; it's not that unusual to drive even 10+ miles to a friend/whoever). But still, it was 7 miles one way (and 7 miles back)

 

It's not like it was all the time, but I'd say once a month to "go out" (we were both single and so went out for night life). From her perspective, it might have been..."well, it's just a once a month, and we're friends, so it's no big deal for her to pick me up."

 

And to a degree it wasn't. But the more it happens over time, the more it seems unfair...

 

Advice to anyone who has friends pick them up to go out or do some social event: if you're not gonna hand them some gas money (which can be kind of awkward, anyway), at least get two of their drinks, or one of their drinks, maybe their $8 dinner, the $5 parking at the stadium, or whatever.

 

My friend never did this, and that's exactly what I thought she should do. She was afraid of driving, that was her deal. I didn't expect her to share driving duties with me since she was scared out of her mind of doing so. But non-drivers who have friends pick them up should have some sense of fairness. It's not just gas; it's the wear and tear on the car (which adds up), and having to leave early to go get you and take extra time at the end of the night to take you back.

 

Ugh, even my guy friend who I picked up for stuff never said "A couple of drinks on me" or anything like that.

 

I've ditched "friends" like this. They're all about themselves. Don't need them.

[ltjg45]

I'm almost tempted to cut up my license, drive my car into the lake and go find myself some roommates.

 

So basically women here are saying until you have what they want you to have you will remain single.

 

I guess I'm staying single.

 

I'm thinking the same thing.

 

If I have to get a car and a license along with my own place just to get women, then I don't need companionship.

 

That alone costs too much and I'm sure the women in question isn't exactly the best women available on the singles market either.

 

If I get these things, it's because I personally want them, not because I need them just to please a woman's demands.

 

I can get a car and only use it like 3-4 times a month max because I rather save money and catch a city bus. If I'm not fit to date because of it, so be it. I don't want women like her anyway.

[Els]

I'm almost tempted to cut up my license, drive my car into the lake and go find myself some roommates.

 

So basically women here are saying until you have what they want you to have you will remain single.

 

I guess I'm staying single.

 

Here, let me rephrase for you.

 

I'm almost tempted to gain 200 lbs, get a mohawk, and let my cooch go 2 weeks without washing.

 

So basically men are saying until you have what they want you to have you will remain single.

 

I guess I'm staying single.

 

:rolleyes: Have you any idea how ridiculous that sounds?

[pink_sugar]

i also have a friend who doesn't drive, and over the years i find myself wanting to spend less and less time with her because i don't think it's fair that i have to do 100% of the driving when we go out. i have to pick her up, take her to wherever we are going, then drop her off - every time, because she doesn't drive. it just isn't fair. it would be fair if she could drive some of the time, but it's not fair for one person to drive all of the time.

 

Does this person refuse to take public transit? Do they refuse to offer gas money? I can understand if they expect you to pick them up each time, but if they manage to get themselves to said location, I don't see what the big deal is. Just say "I need you to be able to meet me at X location if we are to go out tonight." Or, "I need you to chip in for gas money if I pick you up." I usually won't offer to hang out with someone unless I can get there or they happen to be in my area and offer a ride.

 

I also have a few friends who don't drive, some living out of town and often ask for rides home. It can be difficult to drive someone home an hour and back, but if I wasn't able to take the person home, I would tell them I cannot do it this time and they usually have no problem taking the train or bus home. As long as they don't expect the person to drive them everywhere, I wouldn't mind. I actually know quite a bit of people who don't drive and as long as they get themselves to said location, I could care less what they do. Two of my friends legally cannot drive due to a vision disability, I couldn't see myself spending less and less time with them, because they are two of my best friends. I figure as long as they are able to get to the meeting place (which they do on their own) it doesn't bother me at all.

 

Especially when you share a car with another person who has a completely different schedule, it can be difficult if you cannot afford two cars.

 

I think it's one thing to expect someone to drive you around, but another entirely if you are able to get yourself somewhere or offer gas money. A friend of mine always offers gas money and she never expects a ride unless someone is able to give her a ride. She has no problem taking transit. If someone cannot give me a ride somewhere, no big deal. I don't see a reason to not spend time with the person unless they expect you to be their taxi.

Edited June 5, 2013 by pink_sugar

[Geiss]

Here, let me rephrase for you.

 

 

 

:rolleyes: Have you any idea how ridiculous that sounds?

 

 

And what is it that men want? What are men saying that they want women to have? To not be fat and be clean and not have a ridiculous haircut. Woah, that's some high list of demands right there. Even though personally I don't mind the mohawk. And there are chubby chasers out there too. In fact they have a better chance to meet someone than a guy with roomates and no driver's license according to this thread.

 

I might have over dramatized what I felt like doing but my point is that women have ridiculous demands of guys. So these men in order to be able to date these women have to move out, get their own place without roomates, must have a car, possibly putting themselves in financial hardship and then have no money do date anyways. So until they get what women requires of them for the privilege of dating them they are **** out of luck. Women really need to be knocked off their pedestals. A lot of guys will just say **** it. It's not worth the trouble. He should not change his life and make it harder for himself just so he can date you.

[liquid_amber]

Does this person refuse to take public transit? Do they refuse to offer gas money? I can understand if they expect you to pick them up each time, but if they manage to get themselves to said location, I don't see what the big deal is. Just say "I need you to be able to meet me at X location if we are to go out tonight." Or, "I need you to chip in for gas money if I pick you up." I usually won't offer to hang out with someone unless I can get there or they happen to be in my area and offer a ride.

 

I also have a few friends who don't drive, some living out of town and often ask for rides home. It can be difficult to drive someone home an hour and back, but if I wasn't able to take the person home, I would tell them I cannot do it this time and they usually have no problem taking the train or bus home. As long as they don't expect the person to drive them everywhere, I wouldn't mind. I actually know quite a bit of people who don't drive and as long as they get themselves to said location, I could care less what they do. Two of my friends legally cannot drive due to a vision disability, I couldn't see myself spending less and less time with them, because they are two of my best friends. I figure as long as they are able to get to the meeting place (which they do on their own) it doesn't bother me at all.

 

Especially when you share a car with another person who has a completely different schedule, it can be difficult if you cannot afford two cars.

 

I think it's one thing to expect someone to drive you around, but another entirely if you are able to get yourself somewhere or offer gas money. A friend of mine always offers gas money and she never expects a ride unless someone is able to give her a ride. She has no problem taking transit. If someone cannot give me a ride somewhere, no big deal. I don't see a reason to not spend time with the person unless they expect you to be their taxi.

 

she does sometimes agree to meet me somewhere instead of making me pick her up, but sometimes when we meet somewhere, we end up deciding to go somewhere else later, and who does the driving? me, of course. in her case, she does have a license and she lives with her boyfriend. he has a car, she doesn’t. but they work opposite schedules, so I don’t understand why she can’t occasionally use the car while he’s working. that way, when we have plans to meet somewhere and later decide to go somewhere else, for once it could be her that drives us there and not me. it’s a matter of fairness when you live in a place where you need a car to get around, and in her case there is no reason why she can’t use her boyfriend’s car occasionally while he is working. he drops her off at her job and picks her up, and there is no reason why she couldn’t do the same for him. she just doesn’t want to. if she would even just one time borrow her bf’s car and drive when we have plans to do something, it would make such a difference. but it’s as if she has no intention of ever being self-sufficient and driving herself to the places she needs to go. it’s really none of my business if that’s how she wants to live her life, but it makes me a lot less likely to want to make plans with her knowing I’m always going to be the only one who drives.

[pink_sugar]

she does sometimes agree to meet me somewhere instead of making me pick her up, but sometimes when we meet somewhere, we end up deciding to go somewhere else later, and who does the driving? me, of course. in her case, she does have a license and she lives with her boyfriend. he has a car, she doesn’t. but they work opposite schedules, so I don’t understand why she can’t occasionally use the car while he’s working. that way, when we have plans to meet somewhere and later decide to go somewhere else, for once it could be her that drives us there and not me. it’s a matter of fairness when you live in a place where you need a car to get around, and in her case there is no reason why she can’t use her boyfriend’s car occasionally while he is working. he drops her off at her job and picks her up, and there is no reason why she couldn’t do the same for him. she just doesn’t want to. if she would even just one time borrow her bf’s car and drive when we have plans to do something, it would make such a difference. but it’s as if she has no intention of ever being self-sufficient and driving herself to the places she needs to go. it’s really none of my business if that’s how she wants to live her life, but it makes me a lot less likely to want to make plans with her knowing I’m always going to be the only one who drives.

 

You probably should just say how you feel. If the car belongs to her boyfriend, maybe he's controlling and prefers to have the car for himself when he goes to work. Usually people won't admit to that kind of stuff. Just make it clear to them that they will need to get themselves wherever you are meeting and with someone like that, it's probably best just to meet for dinner and head your separate ways after. Or meet somewhere like a shopping strip or city where you don't have to drive all over. I think there are ways to work around it. I don't think car needs to equal self sufficient, as long as they can get themselves around without bumming rides off of people. My brother does just that. He'll ask to hang out...but then expect people to drive across town to get him to go to said place. He also makes a huge deal about chipping in gas. It was such a headache when he lived nearby.

[StanMusial]

Sounds like a real winner.

[Jon Tenzo]

I was recently hooked up by a well respected elderly male friend that I've known for a few years. He knew I was looking for "the right guy." so he asked if it was okay to give his nephew my number. He texted me a photo. I think the guy is cute.

 

So they newphew (Billy) called me. We had a great conversation that concluded with plans for us to meet in person for pizza after work. There's just one problem. I have to pick him up from his house because he doesn't have a drivers license.

 

Since I have a car it's not a big deal. But for me it is because I'm afraid of being taken advantage of financially, socially, ect. In addition he also lives with roommates. He relies on them to take him to work and church because one of them works at the same place and the other attends the same church. His lifestyle is fine for him.

 

Billy and I are the same age. But I don't have roommates. I own my home. I own a few expensive cars. These are just "things." I like this guy. But I'm afraid if he sees my "things" before he truly gets to know me, he will be intimidated or seduced into taking advantage of me.

 

What should I do? Not date him. Or risk letting him see things before he gets to know me.

 

1) He is obviously in this circumstance either by choice or by no fault of his own. Find out which is the case then make a judgement call. It's obviously a sucky economy so it's not all that odd that a 32 year old has roommates or no car. Just be glad he isn't living with folks.

 

2) If you are the same age as him then you're well ahead of your peers. Most 32 year olds right now (the nation as a whole) definitely don't own their home or a few expensive cars considering we just had a housing flop. You are the exception and not the norm.

 

3) I suggest you date up or a man who is more on your level of means. It appears you are concerned about being taken advantage of which is natural for anyone with more resources than most people. If you date up or equal you don't have to worry about this and can focus less on that and more on getting to know the person.

[Jon Tenzo]

This is all an excuse because women don't do poor.

 

I don't think he's poor, just under-employed maybe...

[Jane2011]

I've ditched "friends" like this. They're all about themselves. Don't need them.

 

Yeah, I did ditch that friend, but it was actually for a different reason. The fact that she accepted rides without even some basic, bare-minimum gesture of gratitude (like getting a drink or two for me), though, was probably indicator that she'd not be a good friend in other ways either, and ultimately she wasn't.

 

Actually, come to think of it, I ditched the guy friend who was like that, too, although I've since let him back into my sphere of existence, just on the fringes though.

[Fugu]

32 and lives with roommates and doesn't have a driver's license?

 

Why doesn't he have a driver's license? Taken away from DUIs? Never learned to drive?

 

Either way, such a guy would be a non-option for me, as I'm only interested in stable men who are independent. This wouldn't be such a guy.

 

If we're talking about California, yeah. If it's New York or the urban East Coast, it's within the realm of reason, I think.