Treasa Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 He was highly recommended by his uncle. Since his uncle knows what I am looking for, I never guessed he would introduce me to a man who is the opposite of me. Perhaps there is a chance he knew his nephew wouldn't meet my level of maturity. But he's hoping I can somehow influence his nephew to grow up. I don't know for sure. Right now I'm just so confused. I don't want to reject Billy because of my respect for his uncle. That would be mean. And I don't want to waste my time with a guy I have to take care of on basic levels like housing and transportation. He's kind and respectful. Those are huge benefits for me. I'm afraid of why he thinks we're compatible when he already knows I'm more "independent" than he is. Why would a guy want to date someone beyond their league, if not to take advantage of her in some way? I don't think you should date someone just because you have respect for a relative of his. That being said, maybe there's more to him than meets the eye, and that's what his uncle knows about him that you don't? I honestly have no idea. What's his job in? 1
Author Butterflying Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 I don't think it's shallow either. How is it shallow for a woman who works hard to buy her own home and car in the same city to not want to date a man who's priorities isn't the same; but it's entirely OK for a man who is lazy and relies on others expects a hardworking woman to want to date him and if she doesn't she's "shallow". This is a great point as I've seen both ends of the spectrum. I dated a guy once who had an amazing job. We lived in difference cities. He didn't own a car because it was better to use subway and cabs. Where I live subway only runs through town, not rural or outskirts. So everyone needs a car to get around. Cabs are too expensive. I often drive into town, park my car then take a cab or subway to nearby places because parking is crazy in town. Anyway, that guy saw my car for the first time and immediately labeled me a gold digger because he couldn't understand how someone my age could be so accomplished. We dated for a while. He took care of himself. I took care of myself. But then he started to resent me for "things I have" because he didn't have them himself and none of his girlfriends in the past had it either. No matter how hard I tried to "dull myself down" to his level it never worked. His initial view of being intimidated by my "things" never changed. I even offered to give it all up once and be totally dependent on him. But that only made it worse because he said, "Then you really will be a gold digger."
Treasa Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 No matter how hard I tried to "dull myself down" to his level it never worked. I'm sure you know this now, but never do this for anyone. I did it, too. Stupid mistake. 1
Author Butterflying Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 Why would he try to set his nephew up with you? Because he wants what's best for his nephew. His interests are aligned with what's best for his kin, not what's best for you. This is a good point. I hadn't considered it :-(
Treasa Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Hey now, I wouldn't ever set anyone up with my cousin, even if I love the hell out of her. She's crazy.
Author Butterflying Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 I don't think you should date someone just because you have respect for a relative of his. That being said, maybe there's more to him than meets the eye, and that's what his uncle knows about him that you don't? I honestly have no idea. What's his job in? Also a good point! I have been thinking of this. He's a construction worker. I'm in news and media. I've done some other stuff in the past like acting and modeling, blah blah blah. I hate talking about my accomplishments. Lol
Treasa Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Also a good point! I have been thinking of this. He's a construction worker. I'm in news and media. I've done some other stuff in the past like acting and modeling, blah blah blah. I hate talking about my accomplishments. Lol Why? It's not like you're lording them over people. If that's you in your avatar, you are strikingly gorgeous. 1
Author Butterflying Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 @Treasa, Thanks. The avatar is me, but it's very very old picture. I mean really old, like I was around 18 in that pic with lots of airbrushing and make up. I'm 32 now!!
Treasa Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 @Teresa, Thanks. The avatar is me, but it's very very old picture. I mean really old, like I was around 18 in that pic with lots of airbrushing and make up. I'm 32 now!! Oh, the horrors!! I'm 38, so you're still a young'n, and I'm sure you're still just as attractive. 1
Author Butterflying Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 Neith, that he can't drive isn't the point. At 32, he should be responsible enough to own his own car, doesn't have to be anything fancy, so that he can get to work on his own and not rely on other people. Also, he needs to have clear goals set regarding getting his own place. Exactly my point Tara! I never require the man I date to have the same "things" I have. But only that we have similar priorities, morals, goals and lifestyles. So far our morals are the same. But everything else is different. He would love to have the things I have. Unfortunately he didn't tell me his plan to obtain it on his own. And I won't find out unless I have at least one date with him in person.
crederer Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 It sounds like if you changed "he" with "she" it'd be a typical relationship. 1
Zoden Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 You said you had a great conversation. That's always a good start. There are too many unknowns at this point. Instead of being confused why not just go and meet him and find out more in person? The stuff about cars and the like are just "stuff" and they should never stop you from at least meeting somebody. I think we all tend to let too many superficial things get in the way. If the guy is a bum you will find out and if hes not then you will also find out.
MrRightNow Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I'm not sure why you would assume he'd take advantage of you just because you're more successful than he is. But a car is a necessity unless you live in a city with a great public transportation system (NYC, Boston, Chicago, SF), and a running car can be bought for $1000. If he's perfectly happy with his current situation, you two probably aren't compatible. 1
clia Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I don't blame you at all for questioning this, but it can't hurt to go out with him once to find out the story. Is it possible there is a reasonable explanation for any of it? The roommates wouldn't bother me, provided he could afford to live on his own if he wanted to, and his place wasn't like a college frathouse. Some people just like having roommates/company around. But if he's living like he's 20 with four other guys...hmmm.... The lack of a driver's license would definitely bother me. I can't imagine dating someone who doesn't know how to drive. Who doesn't learn how to drive? I don't get it. We were all clamoring to do that age 16! The issue with no car depends on where you live. For example, if you are in New York or Chicago, the lack of a car is no big deal because there is great public transit and cabs. (I drive mine maybe twice a month.) If you are in a suburb where a car is basically mandatory to get around, then yes, that would bother me. I would hate having to drive a guy around everywhere and wouldn't do it. It just seems really immature and wimpy.
pteromom Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 The issue with no car depends on where you live. For example, if you are in New York or Chicago, the lack of a car is no big deal because there is great public transit and cabs. (I drive mine maybe twice a month.) If you are in a suburb where a car is basically mandatory to get around, then yes, that would bother me. This, and it is the same for an apartment/roommates too. If you live somewhere with a higher cost of living, roommates are no big deal. I would go out with the guy once and find out his story. It may be that he has good reasons for his choices, or it may be that you find huge red flags that will help you turn down a second date. Only way to find out is to go out with him and see.
NYC-BigKat Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Yeah, it would be interesting to see what he comes back with for an excuse to being his age without a car. If he pulls out a joint and starts making excuses left and right, boot is *ss out of your car and drive home. Mean mean girls in this place . Why is everyone so stuck on having to do driving or owning cars & stuff? Whats so wrong with taking the bus? I like it 'cause its easier & it feels safe . My uncle dont own no car & has no job & he still gets girls all the time. He has 2 girlfriends right now & is thinking of getting rid of one 'cause she's boring him. He never told me about girls not wanting him 'cause he has no car or money but he does make some money doing different things though .
It's Just Me Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Much to the chagrin of a few people in this thread, I agree with Butterflying's concerns. C'mon... 32 is old enough to have your sh*t together, have your own car, and live on your own, with a decent job. If she can do it, so can many other people. And it's not unfair to expect a potential mate to be living on the same level as you. Me always being the driver while in a relationship? Hell, NO! I have worked hard to earn my toys and my way of living. I expect the same of the man I'm dating. I don't do charity cases.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 He was highly recommended by his uncle. Since his uncle knows what I am looking for, I never guessed he would introduce me to a man who is the opposite of me. Perhaps there is a chance he knew his nephew wouldn't meet my level of maturity. But he's hoping I can somehow influence his nephew to grow up. I don't know for sure. Right now I'm just so confused. I don't want to reject Billy because of my respect for his uncle. That would be mean. And I don't want to waste my time with a guy I have to take care of on basic levels like housing and transportation. He's kind and respectful. Those are huge benefits for me. I'm afraid of why he thinks we're compatible when he already knows I'm more "independent" than he is. Why would a guy want to date someone beyond their league, if not to take advantage of her in some way? This post (and this entire thread, actually) reeks of classism. You're out of his league because you have more material things than he does? Interesting outlook on life. Let me know how far you get with it. 3
crude Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 You'd better pass. In this relationship you're the man and he's the woman, and believe me, the woman has it easy. The man does all the dirty work while the woman takes advantage. Since you're not prepared or willing to assume the man's role, just forget the guy. It's a no brainer.
crude Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 You sound bitter. Were you taken to the cleaners in a divorce? Na, but I watched my mother vegetate for 16 years while my father worked 55 hours a week. It was SO one-sided, it was embarrassing to me, and I was a child. The thread starter said she didn't want to be taken advantage of financially, so obviously there's no future here. Men like my father never seemed to mind being taken advantage of, or at least they figured it was what a man has to do, unfair as it is.
shexy Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 He works, and that's a plus. Roommates don't bother me, they're probably all able to save up some money that way. Does he just not have a driver's license, or was it taken away for a DUI or something? If he's like an environmentalist type guy that prefers to ride a bicycle instead of polluting the planet, that can be kinda cool. But if he got 3 DUI's and therefore is forced to ride a bike, not so much
crude Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Well, let me ask you this: Was your mother at home taking care of you and any other children 24-7? Only child, place was a mess, she was basically just there for 5 years, then I was in school all day, but she still only went out to eat with her friends, relaxed in a spa or wherever, then came home to The Young And The Restless, her favorite soap opera. Believe me, if a man behaved like that, his wife could shoot him and she'd be acquitted because he'd be considered a lowlife, but women get a free pass, though not from me. 2
GoogleRocks Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 And I wonder what excuse he's going to come up with for not having a car. He has a job, splits rent and utility expenses with roommate, so he should have his own car and not be satisfied not having one. I could not get over that. You don't want to be with the kind of man that is happy to bum things from and use other people. You have to be kidding me. My family went being worth millions to penniless. Business went bankrupt then started all over again. It tooks years to get another vehicle. All you people work jobs that involves very little risks no nothing about life. Maybe he's helping his father financially. Who know? Do the guy a favor and don't date him. He deserve a woman who will appreciate him. I no longer drive because I don't care to. When I had my car I rode my bike than ride the car. When I drove I gave rides to many people. I spent my high school years being the designated drive expect once. I drove my sister back and forth to private school. The one that falsely accused me recently jealous of her success. If OP has so much money what's the matter? You can not take money with when you die. My sister is now married but she was dating my brother in law he paid entire bill. He had to fly down to meet my sister and did so a few times a month for several months. He still had to get hotel, rent a car etc. When they got married she got a very expensive ring. OMG my sister used him! That would be according the theories of women on here.
c57dood Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Mean mean girls in this place . Why is everyone so stuck on having to do driving or owning cars & stuff? Whats so wrong with taking the bus? I like it 'cause its easier & it feels safe . My uncle dont own no car & has no job & he still gets girls all the time. He has 2 girlfriends right now & is thinking of getting rid of one 'cause she's boring him. He never told me about girls not wanting him 'cause he has no car or money but he does make some money doing different things though . Because most of these girls on here are ugly and bitter and they think their career successes and material wealth actually mean something to most men. I'm a successful business owner and "independent", and truth be told I don't care if the woman I'm dating has jack-****. You want to know why? Because she's my woman, and I take care of her. Unfortunately, it doesn't work the other way around, which is why these bitter old hags will forever remain single. And lets cut the independence crap, will ya? No one exists in a bubble. YOu depend on your employer to pay you, you depend on your customers to buy your product. Hell, you DEPEND on farmers growing your damn food. Grow up ladies!
ffw Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 OP, even if you somehow manage to settle with this guy, sooner or later the mismatch (es) in lifestyle will come on the surface. Imagine the scenario if you guys want to live together. Who will move with whom? In my humble opinion, relationship can't progress with mismatching lifestlyes even if you guys get along in other aspects. GL.
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