Author kameron Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 I guess when the love of your life leaves you for another man you act in an irrational way and say things you wouldn't normally say.
metal_chick Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I guess when the love of your life leaves you for another man you act in an irrational way and say things you wouldn't normally say. We also, as we get older, learn impulse control. We learn to exit a relationship gracefully. This is the time to start learning those skills.
aisuru Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I guess when the love of your life leaves you for another man you act in an irrational way and say things you wouldn't normally say. Friend, I understand. I do. I've had people leave me in my life and reject me when I didn't understand. It can cripple you. But it gets better. We're here to tell you that. That's why you searched the internet and stumbled on this website. It. Gets. Better. Right now, you have some things within yourself to work on. You have to let her go for right now. Because inevitably, you will fall in love again.... and what we share with you here, may help you in that relationship. It's time to get a grip on this indignant anger. You have to let go. IT SUCKS. I KNOW. Oh gosh do I know.... *sigh* I understand the irrational thoughts and impulses. Ya just have to reign them in. Ya know?
Author kameron Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 I'm 23 years old. I have never even raised my voice to this girl let alone my hand. I never cussed at her or anything. I was what you call a nice guy.
aisuru Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I'm 23 years old. I have never even raised my voice to this girl let alone my hand. I never cussed at her or anything. I was what you call a nice guy. Perfect, I am happy to hear this. And this helps us. Thank you. This is your first real heart break. That helps us to know too! Awww man. This is heart break. You felt a lot for her and she broke your trust. And you're hurt. She rejected you. Angry that you're hurt. And just plain angry. Unfortunately, your situation gets more complicated because she went to her ex who she probably bad mouthed to you. Let that go for now. He's just normal, comfortable, and the known. She'll get bored of him eventually (or small chance, not, but that doesn't matter right now) Your feelings right now are normal. I promise you!!!! We're a little older. And women. So we're sharing our perspectives from that vantage point. Hopefully one of our fine men will come across this thread. In the meantime, you're stuck with us. It's okay to hurt after a break up. Soooo many feelings. And no idea what to do with them. Tell her, not tell her. We get it. You can't tell her. You cannot try to manipulate her. Right now this is about YOU. You must take care of you. You may have to tuck the majority of your feelings away for now, and deal with them piece meal. Because right now it can be overwhelming in this current state of mind you're in. You write a list of things to distract you. You write a list of friends who you can call when you shouldn't be alone. You write a list of things to do that prevent you from contacting her. This is an action plan. Right now you need to get through the days and weeks ahead of you. That's all that matters right now. We'll deal with the longer term goals later. Got this??? 1
Author kameron Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 I got all of that. Am I pretty young for all of this. I know I need to move on but my feelings for her are so strong. I can honestly feel it in my heart that she is going to come back to me. I feel like you said she is in the honeymoon faze of her old relationship and that will eventually die off and the reasons she left him in the first place are going to resurface.
metal_chick Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I got all of that. Am I pretty young for all of this. I know I need to move on but my feelings for her are so strong. I can honestly feel it in my heart that she is going to come back to me. I feel like you said she is in the honeymoon faze of her old relationship and that will eventually die off and the reasons she left him in the first place are going to resurface. And then when she comes back to you, and the honeymoon phase wears off, the reasons why she left you will be going to surface. It's a merry-go-round. Get off it! 2
aisuru Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I got all of that. Am I pretty young for all of this. I know I need to move on but my feelings for her are so strong. I can honestly feel it in my heart that she is going to come back to me. I feel like you said she is in the honeymoon faze of her old relationship and that will eventually die off and the reasons she left him in the first place are going to resurface. Of course your feelings are strong. As they should have been. It's the letting go that is hard. You cannot bank on what she's going through right now. You cannot rationalize that this is just a phase and she'll come back. Right now your only focus is YOU. Look, I'm 36. Been through a few heartbreaks if you must know. I've had some I begged, literally on my knees, while crying, to not leave me. This last break up of mine? Probably the BEST GUY I was ever with??? That honestly, I wasn't even sure I wanted to be with and sent signals I didn't want to be with... When he broke up with me over the phone while out of town on business, you want to know what my impulsive thought was? To go over to his house and commit suicide in his bed for him to find when he came home a month later. It was a thought. It was irrational. It passed. It's normal. You want them to know how much you hurt. But uhhhh, hello!! Not worth it and you don't get to see their reaction anyway. So why bother? I just had to get a grip. And that's me at my age after a number of rejections and heart breaks. I know better. I know it gets better. It really truly gets better. I promise you. You realize you just have to pick your **** up and take care of you. So what are you going to do to take care of you? To heal yourself?
Author kameron Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 That's true. It sounds like this girl is unsure of what she wants in a relationship. Anytime she gets a little bord or unhappy she runs away without trying to work it out. She didn't try once to work it out with me. Neither did she give him the chance the first time.
Author kameron Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Im sorry to hear your sad stories of past breakups. I feel for you I truely do
metal_chick Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Im sorry to hear your sad stories of past breakups. I feel for you I truely do Thanks. Meh, it's ok. It gets better. Little by little, and with a lot of hard work, it does get better. And then you meet someone else. 1
Author kameron Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 I know I need to get over her and move on and work on myself. I just have this gut feeling that tells me as soon as I'm moved on and have no more feelings for her. At that moment she will walk back into my life.
aisuru Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I know I need to get over her and move on and work on myself. I just have this gut feeling that tells me as soon as I'm moved on and have no more feelings for her. At that moment she will walk back into my life. That's called hope. Kill it. 2
metal_chick Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I know I need to get over her and move on and work on myself. I just have this gut feeling that tells me as soon as I'm moved on and have no more feelings for her. At that moment she will walk back into my life. It does happen, a lot. The thing is, you can't improve on yourself and hope that her coming back is the outcome. Instead, you have to hope that BETTER things will come your way.
aisuru Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 That's true. It sounds like this girl is unsure of what she wants in a relationship. Anytime she gets a little bord or unhappy she runs away without trying to work it out. She didn't try once to work it out with me. Neither did she give him the chance the first time. Doesn't matter. Time to let it go. She has that right for her life.
Author kameron Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 You guys are giving me a whole new mindset. A new outlook on the situation. I was being selfish and controlling by not accepting her decision. I guess I was blind by anger and pain. 1
metal_chick Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 You guys are giving me a whole new mindset. A new outlook on the situation. I was being selfish and controlling by not accepting her decision. I guess I was blind by anger and pain. Yep. She's got the right to break up with you and no matter how unreasonable, as the dumpee, you must accept it. Accepting it does not make you weak. To be able to accept the decision and walk away with dignity, in the end, makes you the winner in the situation. 1
aisuru Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 You guys are giving me a whole new mindset. A new outlook on the situation. I was being selfish and controlling by not accepting her decision. I guess I was blind by anger and pain. Exactly... See... You are receptive to learning. Progress. Don't allow that anger and pain to consume you. It's just not worth it. You deserve more than that, don't you?
Giha Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Well, first off - if she ever wants you back she will let you know. Doesn't matter if you go NC or if you don't. Second - to me she sounds like bad news. I know you love her, but she sounds like she is really indecisiveness with all that zig-zagging. Would you really take back a person who, (in your words) treated you so bad? Don't you want to be with someone who would really appreciate having you? If she contacts you, post here before replying\answering. People here would love to put some sense into you before you make that mistake. Which it is. The way I see it, you are better off. I know it's hard, but let her go. Apply full NC and learn from this experience. Improve yourself on the things you feel like you should improve. We're all here because at one point or another we got our heart kicked in the bullocks. We know the pain you feel and we can relate. You can get through this. It's hard at first, and later too. You'll have tons of ups and down. But it can be done. NC will make things easier. Just my thoughts. 1
Coping Vortex Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I think we all feel for you on this site. We have ALL been there that is why we post here. Your story is the same as everyone else here. It sucks. It really does. And trust me it has been 6 months for me and I'm still in a daze and a depression funk. Been to a therapist tried AD's nothing works. Just time until you get to that day where you aren't thinking about what they are doing every minute of every day. Just to give you a clue of what she maybe thinking or what is going on for her. Now I know each person is different but there are some similarities between allot of ending relationships. Some of what I list below could be what she is going through or thinking. 1. She probably met this guy before she BU with you. 2. The new relationship is exciting so trust me she may compare you two but she is not pining for you. 3. She may even feel like being with her new guy is strange as she is used to your touch, feel smell. mannerisms etc., but the excitement of someone trumps that. 4. She feels that she made the right choice because the new relationship is exciting, because its new. 5. Remember this guys is telling her hot she is and great she is etc. So don't think because you aren't there to tell her those things doesn't mean that guy isn't. If she has low self esteem and needs validation, she is getting it from him. My ex's new BF told her that he loved her after two weeks. 6. After a few weeks or months the newness will wear off, and she will begin to see he is just like anyone else. At this point she MIGHT miss you and appreciate what you had and begin comparing you both, its funny when the relationship is new people don't see the flaws yet.......but and here's the irony....she may already be too far in the new relationship to want to go back to you. Like a Catch22 situation. At this time she may contact you and reach out and maybe even tell you she misses you (bread crumbs) the feelings return. But they are only feelings, they really don't mean she wants to go BACK. In fact, if she does hint around she wants you back be preapred that she could change her mind back in an instant. It sucks I know. But its the very common road map of relationships ending. I know you think your relationship with her was perfect, i know I thought mine was, we didn't BU over not loving each other because or personality traits, we were perfect together. Our issue stemmed for where we were going in the future, a miss-communication. something as simple as that can BU up a relationship. she might have loved you like crazy but something happened to her to make her move on. I know you feel the same but she doesn't. It hurts it sucks it doesn't make sense. You will replay over and over to what you could have done differently but there was nothing. I have been the dumper before as well. I try to think how I felt when i was done and moved with past relationships. Think how you felt during that time. Then you will know how and what she is thinking.
destroyed4sho Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 What happens if your ex skips the grieving process by jumping into a new relationship right away. If she dumps you and moves into a new relationship right away and doesn't give herself the chance to grieve. Will that process come later down the road. I have been through this. NO they do not grieve for you later. It is over, it was like 1000 years ago to them. You are forgotten until they break up with their current ex and think about what they were doing before that relationship started. She/he will think about you/grieve for a second and then continue grieving over their last ex.
Author kameron Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 I agree with you vortex on everything you said. But see this situation is a little different this guy she is with isn't new its her ex boyfriend of 3 years you see she broke up with him for me because she was unhappy then 2 years later left me for him again because she missed him.I was a much better boyfriend then he was. Thats y I'm so confused. I think she likes the newness of her old relationship but is soon going to realize why she was unhappy with him in the first place.
aisuru Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I agree with you vortex on everything you said. But see this situation is a little different this guy she is with isn't new its her ex boyfriend of 3 years you see she broke up with him for me because she was unhappy then 2 years later left me for him again because she missed him.I was a much better boyfriend then he was. Thats y I'm so confused. I think she likes the newness of her old relationship but is soon going to realize why she was unhappy with him in the first place. Doesn't matter. The only thing that matters, and hurts, is that she does not want to be with you. Period. End of story. This is what you must accept and heal yourself from there. You will drive yourself crazy with this thinking process.
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I agree with you vortex on everything you said. But see this situation is a little different this guy she is with isn't new its her ex boyfriend of 3 years you see she broke up with him for me because she was unhappy then 2 years later left me for him again because she missed him.I was a much better boyfriend then he was. Thats y I'm so confused. I think she likes the newness of her old relationship but is soon going to realize why she was unhappy with him in the first place. Why would you want to be her back up plan anyway? She decided to ditch you and that's all you need to know. Find someone who will make you their top priority. Anything else is a waste of time.
J_L_C Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I also want to add that there is no timeline on grief. Some people don't grieve very long, others grieve for a long time. Some don't outwardly grieve, others have a lot of emotion. Grief is a complex process and no two processes are alike. What I'm saying is, sometimes it's impossible to tell if a person is grieving by looking at them, or even talking to them. No timeline? So is it still ok after 10 months??
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