Author leanna123 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Share Posted May 30, 2013 So what you are saying is that you are "friends" with an x-bf that you are having sex with?? If so, thats not "friends". Are you also telling us that your H is ok with all of this? Please clarify, as it is either confusing, or I can't believe my eyes. No. Sorry for the confusion. I'm saying that I'm friends with former boyfriends and my husband does NOT have a problem with this. I am also good friends with many men and my spouse has no problem with this. He is also friends with many young and attractive women. That's fine. We lost our way in regard to communication. My goal being able to share the info about my affair with him. I know this may sound crazy, but I do believe it's possible to share a lot of things with good friends, male or female. My spouse and I have grown apart in that area and we are cognizant of that fact. Sad? Yes. But we get it. Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 No. Sorry for the confusion. I'm saying that I'm friends with former boyfriends and my husband does NOT have a problem with this. I am also good friends with many men and my spouse has no problem with this. He is also friends with many young and attractive women. That's fine. We lost our way in regard to communication. My goal being able to share the info about my affair with him. I know this may sound crazy, but I do believe it's possible to share a lot of things with good friends, male or female. My spouse and I have grown apart in that area and we are cognizant of that fact. Sad? Yes. But we get it. Interesting, my xAP's H was okay with me and his wife being "friends" and hanging out all the time....that went way beyond friends. My W had an issue with it and rightfully so and I too would have an issue with her hanging out with young attractive males, or hell, older attractive males. I agree with LFH, a real friendship could never be after a close relationship and the only reason I'd hang around is to see what, if anything, might happen between that person and me and hope to stoke up a bit of old flame. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 A lot of people disagreed with me saying you can't be... but my truth is, you can be friendly with someone you once loved, but the kind of true friendship I expect from my friends... ie: people you can call anytime if you need them-day, night, whenever, people that you can tell anything to, that would do almost anything for you, those that will hold your hand while you cry over anything...that particular closeness once there is physical intimacy and love shared, how do you go back to that type of caring without letting the love back in? If you still have that type of relationship with someone you loved, then aren't you potentially still having an affair with them? I am "friendly" with a number of ex boyfriends, years later. We may chit chat, talk about old times when we see one another, exchange christmas cards.. but to call and say "Hey, my mom is dying, I need to talk." (Example only.. my mom is fine.) Someone I once loved isn't going to be on my list... someone I now love would be or a friend who I didn't have to guard my heart with. It just gets too complicated. Bolded part, I believe so too, but only when the attachment and emotional feelings/hurt feelings lessen and enough time has past. it is possible. It's impossible to be 'friends' with someone who broke your heart so soon after. Grieving and healing has to take place and rules/boundries need to be set up IF a new friendship is formed later in the future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author leanna123 Posted May 31, 2013 Author Share Posted May 31, 2013 Thank you everyone for all your feedback. I'm going to do a lot of thinking on this. I appreciate your candor and am glad to hear the variety of opinions on the matter. I don't have a playbook on this. This is all new to me. Definitions of friendship come to mind.., and life in general. I don't think in the traditional sense and neither does he. I believe we can be friends only and perhaps the only way to get to that point would be to spend some time completely without any contact. I will dig deep for the strength to do this. We both are high profile in our respective cities and although we live 3 hours away from each other, it has always seemed that our "bond" has transcended both time and distance. This will be tough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leanna123 Posted May 31, 2013 Author Share Posted May 31, 2013 Would this "friendship" involve the BS knowing? If the answer is no, then it's just further betrayal and you're still in an affair. Yes. It would involve the spouses knowing. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 Yes. It would involve the spouses knowing. Is that just knowing that you guys are friends? Or knowing that you both were messing around? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 The OP wrote in the first post: "His spouse recently found out 'bout affair" Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 The OP wrote in the first post: "His spouse recently found out 'bout affair" Yep I get that MM's wife found out about the affair, but what about her BH? Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 (edited) Charlie & leanna, these are ex's you are talking about, not AP's- BIG DIFFERENCE! Edited May 31, 2013 by Artie Lang 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author leanna123 Posted June 2, 2013 Author Share Posted June 2, 2013 leena, question: Would you go out with one of these X's alone and go back to his place to watch a movie until 2am or something like that? Alone? Hi HolyFS I probably wouldn't go back to an ex's place and watch a film until 2am. I wouldn't want to. Not because of my spouse. He wouldn't mind. I'd fall asleep by then. I"m usually up by 5:30am, so staying up to 2AM anywhere is crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 2, 2013 Share Posted June 2, 2013 I personally, could easily be friends with someone I previously had an intimate relationship with and never once cross a line or even think about it if that were my decision. But an affair relationship is different, especially after DDay. He got caught. He and his wife want to stay married. You are his best friend, not his wife . Being his friend, the best thing to do for him , if he isn't leaving, is to tell him that you are bowing out in the hopes that he will now form a new friendship with his wife and be able to not only stay married, but happily so. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 2, 2013 Share Posted June 2, 2013 What your really asking is for our approval to continue your affair. Why do you need our validation, ask your husband, his approval is the only one that matters. Your still hiding it from him and if you hide secrets from your husband, specially a secret about a long term affair, your still deep in it. What your describing sounds like an open marriage to me. I think you both better set some new rules about what you want and are willing to accept in your relationship, you need to be honest first. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 (edited) I could have gone and cheated to get back at him. That wasn't me. But is was you as you have in fact cheated. It was a "balance" and it felt good. An escape? Of course. But that doesn't make it all hell deserving. I learned to love again. I learned to feel again. How bad can that be. The irony of him being caught the same way that I caught my husband is uncanny. But sh)(*&t happens. I don't feel proud of the "cheating" aspect. Not at all. And I'm not making excuses. But, to be completely honest here.., it did by all means, feel completely right. Just because your husband cheated on you, does not give you the right to cheat with another woman's husband. If you wanted to cheat on your husband because your marraige is coming to an end, there are plenty of single guys out there that would have loved to fill your void. There is nothing "completely right" about you cheating with another woman's husband. I feel very bad for your affair partner's wife and children, and the fact that you let your husband's affair change you such that you do really not care. Do not let what your husband did take your humanity away from you. Think about your affair partner's wife and children and reread what you just wrote as if they were reading it. Edited June 3, 2013 by Try Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 If your spouse doesn't care what you do, in re: other men---that's fine----what is way OUT OF LINE, is you going after another married man, and ruining his family---that you have no right to do---- Just out of curiosity, are there no single men out there for you to have sex with---cuz that's all your really ever gonna do, is have sex with your married lover, cuz he ain't leaving his wife, unless she tosses him, thx to you Link to post Share on other sites
WanderedOff Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Hey Leanna123. I'm probably kinda late jumping on this thread, but I'm my opinion, YES, you can be friends with a former AP...BUT only if the S is okay with it. I am still friends with many of my ex-boyfriends (not that I've had that many). The way I look at it is you were once sharing your hopes and dreams with that person... just cause you're no longer sharing a bed does not mean you can't be friends. I think it takes a certain kind of person though. I'm not the type of person to waste energy on grudges. I also have many male friends and can be one of the boys... the only exes I'm not in contact with are the ones whose wives are uncomfortable with it... but that's their deal and I respect that. Currently, I'm trying to switch a PA to a friendship, but he's having a hard time with it. He's "nervous" around me. His W has never found out about us nor have I met her. We're close like you and your xMM. There's just this level of comfort there that is hard to explain. I want him to be happy, even if it's not with me. We've had this "thing" for 12 years off and on...in my eyes, I valued our friendship more than the sex...but yeah... anyway, sorry for rambling, but YES you can be friends. *(on a side note...I did start a thread about being angry at him for forgetting my birthday a few weeks ago... that was written out of anger... but in the end, I want him to always a part of my life... he's been there for a lot of the challenging stuff... and like I said, he gets me...) Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 I cannot think of anything more selfish and potentially self-destructive than continuing to be friends with a fAP IF ONE TRULY wishes to be happily married. YOUR spouse is suppose to be your best friend, BUT never will be as long as you are emotionally investing all your best friendship into your fMAP. And how cake-eating of your MM! As long as he can be friends with you, he doesn't have to try too hard to recreate the intimacy he Lost with her..... PLUS, your friendship allows him to continue to believe what he did to both her and you wasn't SO BAD, because, see? We are still friends! Selfish, selfish, selfish..... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LonelyInsomniac Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 I feel like the title is misleading, but I'll do my best to answer it. In order to be friends with a former lover (or hell, even romantic interest) - both parties involved need to have healthy boundaries and respect for both themselves and each other. Helping a married person cheat is a lack of self-respect. Cheating while married is a lack of respect for others. Revenge cheating (which is what this is - "I want him to know I can still love... just not him.") is a lack of healthy boundaries. Don't get me wrong, leanna. This is one of the few categories of cheating that fall into the gray area for me. There is a wicked, acidic appeal of showing the one who hurt you most exactly what they put you through. And continuing this friends-with-benefitship is exactly what that is. Link to post Share on other sites
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