Would You Ever Have A Serious Relationship With A Former WW/WH?

[Spark1111]

No, I would not.

 

Why would I choose to be monogamous and invest my future into someone who had such a hard time in a previous relationship?

 

That shows me they have poor coping skills, avoid conflict and have difficulty not only identifying their owns needs, but expressing them to their romantic partner.

 

I would proudly sign that pre-nup, Smokie.

 

And I have always told my H that I would NEVER do to him what he did to me. I would announce my feelings for another and separate FIRST.

 

As for my H, I chose to reconcile with a cheater because I love him.

 

But someone new? uh, no. IRL I've seen these people crash, burn and bail on relationships about every two years when the limerance wears off and that heady in love feeling ends and they find a million reasons why it won't last long term.

[SmokeRat]

I suppose that had I never been so tainted by my STBX's infidelity, I could see myself with someone (if we really clicked) who had cheated in the past. As I was much more forgiving (hence why I still married my STBX, even after learning she had, prior to me, been with plenty of married men), and not yet so jaded on the subject.

 

But now, I'd get up and leave the second I learned that a new partner had stepped out for external validation.

 

Feel free to send all the women who would sign a pre-nup like the one I'd like to draft, to Canada, we need more of those kinds of women here.

[findingnemo]

I had some male friends over for a BBQ this past weekend, the topic of relationships came up. One of them was asked if he would ever have a serious relationship with someone that cheated on a former spouse, he said no, we all agreed that none of us would if they were married to the BS or in a exclusive long term relationship with them. Once a cheater always a cheater? What do others think, all opinions welcome.

 

I've been thinking about this question for hours!! What a brilliant thread!

 

It's taken me hours to post because my automatic response is no and yet something was bugging me. No I don't want to marry someone who cheated. But then for me, that isn't the worst thing.

 

Well, I read people's posts and notice that our response to this question depends on what we've experienced. My answer finally is yes. Yes, I would marry a man who has cheated in his previous M. My experience in life informs my decision. For one thing, I loved a MM for years and years and still do (no A). If he got a D, I would marry him, warts and all.

 

The second reason is that I married a wife beater who was also a serial cheater. His cheating was not as big a problem as the violence. So my biggest fear when dating is whether I have attracted yet another psycho. They say we may be attracting these types to ourselves. So when I talk to a man, dine with him, my mind is trying to figure out what kind of temper he has and his anger management skills. That's my priority.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I don't see a difference in reconciling with someone who you know cheated and eventually getting involved with someone who was a cheater in the past.

...

 

Children and family, huge difference.

 

If someone was open like bittersweetie from the start I might consider it...but honestly I don't know. This is something I think about a lot. If I found out much later after we had alread started a relationship it's hard to predict what I'd do. Logic says run...but I'd be involved already and it would be hard to let go and leave a now comfortable relationship, especially if they had just finally decided to trust and open up to me.

Edited May 28, 2013 by Ninja'sHusband

[krazikat]

Well, besides my husband- NO

I am obviously in a relationship with a cheater since we have decided to reconcile-BUT

At one point, I thought, maybe it would be nice to be in a relationship that was not tainted and my number one no-no was: Cheaters-

Cheaters need not apply

 

Interestingly enough, when I asked my husband if we did not work out would he go back to our OW, he said very quickly-no way, she can not be trusted-she is a loose woman- so what he values in a long term partner was not what he valued in himself or in a little side ego boost-very odd to have these conversations-

 

Athens...I am right there with you. I stayed with my H because of our history, family, and all the love with it...but there is no way I would start a new relationship with a known cheater. If my h and I ever do divorce, I actually see myself as more of the stay single and date...and I would only date single men. Period.

 

My h also says the same about his fow...sad as it seems, their r only existed because he was married, she is not the type of woman he would be in a real relationship with...which also has me looking at him sideways...

[krazikat]

I've been thinking about this question for hours!! What a brilliant thread!

 

It's taken me hours to post because my automatic response is no and yet something was bugging me. No I don't want to marry someone who cheated. But then for me, that isn't the worst thing.

 

Well, I read people's posts and notice that our response to this question depends on what we've experienced. My answer finally is yes. Yes, I would marry a man who has cheated in his previous M. My experience in life informs my decision. For one thing, I loved a MM for years and years and still do (no A). If he got a D, I would marry him, warts and all.

 

The second reason is that I married a wife beater who was also a serial cheater. His cheating was not as big a problem as the violence. So my biggest fear when dating is whether I have attracted yet another psycho. They say we may be attracting these types to ourselves. So when I talk to a man, dine with him, my mind is trying to figure out what kind of temper he has and his anger management skills. That's my priority.

 

Ugh Nemo...thats sad! And I have to agree I would take cheating over physical violence...but I also believe that cheating can be a form of physical violence...stds, etc...let me explain...

 

One of my best friends was in a long term relationship. She was given HIV by her fiance from his cheating. Her entire life changed in the blink of an eye. She has to take alot of expensive meds multiple times daily...all because she was in love and trusted her man...

 

I have low tolerence for cheating. And tho I have stayed with my H, there wont be another chance. Tbh, it scares the crap out of me....

[iris219]

It would depend on the situation. Sometimes good people do bad things when they are unhappy because they don't have what it takes to handle the situation in an appropriate manner. If the person admitted what they did and learned from it, I'd consider dating them. I'd want to see them be remorseful and understanding of the pain they caused. If they are serial cheaters, no, I absolutely wouldn't date him, but I don't think serial cheaters go around admitting their indiscretions.

 

I know people who have successful marriages that started as affairs. My best friend from high school is an example. Her dad and stepmom have been together for 30 years. They have a great marriage. They are one of the happiest, most in love couples I know. Their relationship started as an affair when my friend was about 2 years old.

 

My ex had the same story. His father started an affair with his current wife 25 years ago. They are incredibly happy and are very nice people. I always liked her and his dad a lot.

[Coolit]

As a WW if I found myself single I would not let someone marry me unless it was an open or dadt relationship. And we would date as such so that he would know if he could handle it. Messed up? Maybe. But I never ever thought I'd cheat. And I did. So I could never promise again that I'd "forsake all others". I know myself better now then when I was a blushing practicaly virgin bride.

[Act Two]

As a fWS I think of myself as "damaged goods" to some degree, and also that my man picker is pretty broken. Does not bode well for the near future! I told my therapist that I might remain single, but she just laughed at me. We will see.

 

However. Recently a guy at work, who I have been friends with for years got wind that I am separated and moved in for the kill. It honestly shocked me. He left his marriage about a year ago (was only married for 8 months) and started dating a woman we also work with, who also had recently left her marriage (for each other). I was flattered, but no go. Just because I was a cheater does not mean I want to be with him NOR do I want to get in the middle of his current relationship. What a mess that would be!

[KathyM]

As a WW if I found myself single I would not let someone marry me unless it was an open or dadt relationship. And we would date as such so that he would know if he could handle it. Messed up? Maybe. But I never ever thought I'd cheat. And I did. So I could never promise again that I'd "forsake all others". I know myself better now then when I was a blushing practicaly virgin bride.

Why even bother to get married at all, if you have no desire/intent to be monogamous? Makes no sense.

[Coolit]

Why even bother to get married at all, if you have no desire/intent to be monogamous? Makes no sense.

 

There are many people in such marriages. It is not for everyone for sure but for some people they like and understand it. Their view on marriage is different but just because it makes no sense to you doesn't mean it doesn't make sense to them. That is a whole other topic though. I was merely saying as a WS myself i could never say "i will not cheat on you" because I have cheated. Therefore I know I am capable of it.

[aliveagain]

One thing that did come out of my discussions with men regarding relationships with ex wayward women is that they would date them casually,(dinner, clubs, dancing, parties), found them to be more open to try new things.They had no problem having short term sexual relationships with them but that's as far as they would let things go. Is this a description of a party girl?

[aliveagain]

Coolit, are you still in a long term relationship? Do you even want to be?

[fortyninethousand322]

I had some male friends over for a BBQ this past weekend, the topic of relationships came up. One of them was asked if he would ever have a serious relationship with someone that cheated on a former spouse, he said no, we all agreed that none of us would if they were married to the BS or in a exclusive long term relationship with them. Once a cheater always a cheater? What do others think, all opinions welcome.

 

Personally, I never ask about past relationship history. I simply don't want to know. Just not something I want to know about.

 

Given my own circumstances, I don't really have the luxury anyway of rejecting someone because they cheated in the past. Beggars cannot be choosers...

[therhythm]

Funny all those "I would" and "I wouldn't" that you guys put forward like a religion, the reality is that chances are in most cases you won't ever find out if your SO ever cheated before in a relationship. Then is the fact that one thing is bragging about how you would not do something and another totally different thing is when reality crush you... imagine you are totally in love of your girlfriend/boyfriend and when you are actually moving in the direction towards marring him/her you find out she/he cheated in another relationship with another person. Would you really stop the relationship there?

I know better than saying "never ever"with a bit mouth, I would like to think that people can make wrong choices in their life and still change and improve themselves. I have never cheated on any of my girlfriends but for me I only begin to judge a person since the moment I meet that person... his/her past is just that... the past!

[aliveagain]

therhythm, had I only had one cheating experience in my life and no affair child perhaps I would be more open to just let a relationship happen regardless of their past. I never , ever want to go through anything like that again. Things I ask about in the first few dates are regarding family, work history(do they like what they do?) things they like, don't like, looking for common ground. My ideal partner looks a lot different now than it did even 5 years ago. My wealth has improved significantly, that too is a concern, do they like me for who I am or for things I have? I try not to disclose too much about that. My ideal partner will have to enjoy travel, I want to see the world, all of it. Why start with someone with red flags?

[therhythm]

therhythm, had I only had one cheating experience in my life and no affair child perhaps I would be more open to just let a relationship happen regardless of their past. I never , ever want to go through anything like that again. Things I ask about in the first few dates are regarding family, work history(do they like what they do?) things they like, don't like, looking for common ground. My ideal partner looks a lot different now than it did even 5 years ago. My wealth has improved significantly, that too is a concern, do they like me for who I am or for things I have? I try not to disclose too much about that. My ideal partner will have to enjoy travel, I want to see the world, all of it. Why start with someone with red flags?

 

It looks like you go with a list you need to tick and love doesn't work that way, at least not love like I understand it. When I meet someone new I just let things happen and follow the flow and I judge based on the reaction of this person to any given situation, I tend to relax and trust in people... if they are not trust worthy they will show up themselves sooner or later... if I never find out... I guess then I don't have to worry either...

I can't face life and love worrying people will try to use me or to cheat on me, there are always possibilities that that may happen but I prefer to enjoy life now than worrying for a tomorrow that may never come.

[findingnemo]

Ugh Nemo...thats sad! And I have to agree I would take cheating over physical violence...but I also believe that cheating can be a form of physical violence...stds, etc...let me explain...

 

One of my best friends was in a long term relationship. She was given HIV by her fiance from his cheating. Her entire life changed in the blink of an eye. She has to take alot of expensive meds multiple times daily...all because she was in love and trusted her man...

 

I have low tolerence for cheating. And tho I have stayed with my H, there wont be another chance. Tbh, it scares the crap out of me....

 

What a terrible thing your friend suffered! Yes, STDs are a very real consequence of cheating.

 

I hate cheaters too. Unfortunately, there are far worse kinds of people out there. I know that should someone have a reputation as a serial cheater, I wouldn't bother dating him.

[Eggplant]

... None of us really know what we will do in a situation until and if the time comes.

 

Human emotion is one of the strongest forces on the planet and it will make us do things we never thought we would or never thought possible. Whether it is getting involved with a former cheater, reconciling with a cheating spouse, cheating on a spouse, etc. So, when asked this kind of question, I don't think anyone can truthfully say yes or no.

 

If we have lived long enough, we all have done something we said we'd never do.

 

Been there. There are scars on my heart to prove it.

 

It's absolutely true -- you don't know how you react until you've been truly tested.

 

Let me say from experience: do not discount the true power of empathy. This emotion also has a seat at the table of decision-making, along with the yearning for individual happiness, in times of emotional conflict.

 

My love for my ex was (and continues to be) strong, and unbreakable. I had been prepared to make extreme standard-of-living changes: moving from the first world country to war-torn, 3rd world; compromising my hard-earned career; and accepting and celebrating the fact that he had children, and knowing they would be first priority. I was prepared to fight all obstacles to be with him. As you say, emotion is one of the strongest forces on the planet.

 

But when I found out he was married (abroad), 15 months into the relationship, the emotion that prevailed was heart break for his betrayed wife, who had given him everything, including 4 children, and sadness for his daughters. The guilt of being an accomplice would have melted me. The wife told me that he wanted to leave her for me, and that she would have already slit her wrists if it weren't for her children.

 

And so it was emotion that kept me from being with a man who cheated.

[aliveagain]

When someone takes your choice away by lying to you by making you believe they are available, that's a whole different kind of deception. That is not the same as making the decision to cheat, feeling entitled and justifying to yourself that you are deserving of some strange and justifying the destruction you put on others including the families, that's a whole other special place in Hell. Everyone has a choice, the choice to cheat, the choice to stay faithful, the choice to kick them to the curb and divorce their lying cheating ass. These kind of people think they are special, that they are some kind of prize, wrong. The truth is you are the prize and they don't usually figure that out until they have lost you to someone else.

Edited May 30, 2013 by aliveagain
spelling

[skydiveaddict]

Once a cheater always a cheater?

 

Yes, that's why they are called "cheaters," not "oops I made a mistakers." It's a character flaw which will always be repeated. It's like asking a barn rat to quit crapping where he eats.

Edited May 30, 2013 by skydiveaddict

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Yes, that's why they are called "cheaters," not "oops I made a mistakers." It's a character flaw which will always be repeated. It's like asking a barn rat to quit crapping where he eats.

 

I sure hope not. I don't ever want to go through that experience again.

 

I do believe that if a person does not discover the real reason why they perform a certain behavior that they WILL fall into the same pattern of behavior and WILL repeat it again. But the task is discover why and change the behavior so you do NOT repeat the behavior again. This is why I am a big proponent of therapy and why I don't believe that the Harley method, long term, can be successful. A person must discover the whys in order to be able to avoid repeating the same mistakes. He believes that focusing on the whys is a waste of time and takes focus off the marriage. I disagree. I think the individual has to get to the bottom of the problem or, when the dust settles down the road, there will be more.

 

Just my opinion, which might not be worth much.

[aliveagain]

How do you get back the time that was wasted on the affair, how do you ever make that up to your family? How can you make all the lies go away, once spoken they are out there just like the early 50's t.v. shows, moving further out into space, replacing all the good memories you once thought you had? How does a wayward separate the good feelings they had with their spouse and family with good feelings they had with their affair partner, how do they not confuse the time, how can two things occupy the same space, which is/was more important? How can they ever, ever make that up to their family? Why should they ever get the chance?