Second Chances? Heck, I'm on my sixteenth.

[youngnlove89]

A Confession of Sorts

 

Disclaimer: I saw it coming, you saw it coming, we all saw it coming. He was going to come back. He was going to pull me right back in. And he did. I know most of you are fed up with my story, that's okay. I will understand if I get nasty replies. But remember, I'm human and I love this person like there is no tomorrow.

 

My ex contacted me on Friday saying, "I got your email. You know I hate making you sad. It was rude telling me you are seeing someone. I'm not being childish by ignoring you. You told me too. I don't want to ignore you. But I don't want to hurt you."

 

We talked for 2 hours on the phone Friday night. It was like nothing ever happened. We started right where we left off. And didn't bring up anything about the 3 weeks that we didn't talk. And I was more than okay with that.

 

We met on Saturday and he told me how there wasn't a second that went by that he didn't think of me. He missed me. The first moment he saw me, he grabbed me, kissed me and just hugged me tight. And I asked him how it was so easy to ignore me and not talk to me. He said, it wasn't easy at all, but he thought it was what I wanted. He said I have no idea what is going on his head about me and that it was very hard to not talk to me. He doesn't want to lose me. I believe him.

 

Yes, we had sex. Tons of it. We always have great sex. I think, if anything, that is our life line. That is what keeps us coming back to each other. We are both messed up in the head. We are each other's addiction. We feed off of each other's insanity. He knows it. I know it.

 

He is not the one with the problem, I am. This whole time I thought he was the one who had issues, who treated me wrong at times, who couldn't commit, but I am the one with the problem. I am the one who accepts his behavior. I enforce it by taking him back every time. I know this. In fact, I am the one with commitment issues. I find comfort in being with him because I can't commit. I am afraid of committing to someone, because I am afraid of getting hurt. My therapist told me this. So, I put up with his behavior because deep down inside, it's what I want. I can't handle commitment, because I am afraid of it. And I always have been. That is why I have never been attracted to men who want more. I always left them.

 

We had a great time. Laughed. Cuddled. Kissed. Just being in his arms again made me so happy. I didn't care if it lead to nothing more, I was just in the moment. And I am okay with it.

 

I watched this video: This kid just died. What he left behind was wondtacular. If you have 22 minutes, please watch this. Maybe it isn't really relevant to any of this, but it sends out a good message.

 

It made me realize, life is short. We take things for granted. Heartbreak is the worst thing a person can go through mentally, whether it is with a boyfriend, a family member or a friend. Heartbreak is being out of control, losing someone you love, waking every day with an ache so strong it controls our life. If I were to die tomorrow, would I be happy today?

 

I get how many of you may think that I am making a big mistake by going back into this whirlwind of emotions. I might be. And I might be back on here a few weeks or maybe a few months later complaining how I went back. I am my own worst enemy by accepting this behavior, right?

 

But talking to a therapist, I realized I am the one with commitment issues. I am afraid of it all. I have been in denial. I would be okay with not marrying because I see so many marriages that fail. My parents marriage failed. My dad cheated. My first love cheated on me. I have trust issues with men. Major. This is also a part of my commitment issues.

 

Most of the time, I say I don't want kids because of the awful world we are in. The only reason I would have kids is because my mom wants me too. But, I am afraid that something bad would happen to them and I wouldn't be able to handle losing them. Same with commitment, I am afraid of making that commitment to be with someone forever, because I'm afraid of being left and heart broken. So I stick in relationships that don't have much to offer, so I won't lose something huge in the end if it doesn't work out.

 

I like being in complicated relationships. That's what is "wrong" with me. But to me, wrong is what is comfortable.

 

Complicated is when you don't know where you stand in a person's life. It's when you're hanging in dead air and knowing you can be thrown off anytime. It's when you're like more than friends but not really, and it's like you're lovers when it's really otherwise. Sometimes you would want to have never met the person at all, but at the back of your mind, you're thankful you have.

 

I enjoy being in my complicated relationship. It is what I want. It is what is comfortable.

Edited May 28, 2013 by youngnlove89

[Simon Phoenix]

Not surprised, but facepalming all the same. You somehow bent this around in your mind to it being your fault somehow and you somehow convinced yourself that this wasn't working because you were afraid of commitment? Yeah, I just don't really even know what to say to you at this point. You obviously don't enjoy this type of relationship because you wouldn't have kept vacillating in and out of it otherwise.

 

But either way, if you really want this, you shouldn't complain about it anymore.

Edited May 28, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[Empty Heart]

relationship problems aside, I want to thank you for posting that video. It made me cry but feel also made me feel lucky to live and breathe.

[tbf]

Not surprised, but facepalming all the same. You somehow bent this around in your mind to it being your fault somehow and you somehow convinced yourself that this wasn't working because you were afraid of commitment? Yeah, I just don't really even know what to say to you at this point. You obviously don't enjoy this type of relationship because you wouldn't have kept vacillating in and out of it otherwise.

 

But either way, if you really want this, you shouldn't complain about it anymore.

Technically, it is her fault for enabling his behaviour. One of the two will eventually tire of all the drama and walk away. This isn't love.

[Simon Phoenix]

Technically, it is her fault for enabling his behaviour. One of the two will eventually tire of all the drama and walk away. This isn't love.

 

I agree with that, but how is continuing to enable it an appropriate solution? I think she's doing mental gymnastics in her head again because she just doesn't have the self-control to actually break away.

 

However, if I'm wrong and the "this type of relationship is really what I want" thing is true, then she better not come on here to complain or vent or cry when he doesn't invite her out with friends, or doesn't invite her on a trip, or anything. At this point she knows the score of the game. There's no reason to complain about it from here on out.

[youngnlove89]

I agree with that, but how is continuing to enable it an appropriate solution? I think she's doing mental gymnastics in her head again because she just doesn't have the self-control to actually break away.

 

However, if I'm wrong and the "this type of relationship is really what I want" thing is true, then she better not come on here to complain or vent or cry when he doesn't invite her out with friends, or doesn't invite her on a trip, or anything. At this point she knows the score of the game. There's no reason to complain about it from here on out.

 

I agree! You are 100% right Simon. I can't complain anymore, because I put up with it.

 

Hopefully my therapist will help me out with this.

 

I'm sorry.

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree! You are 100% right Simon. I can't complain anymore, because I put up with it.

 

Hopefully my therapist will help me out with this.

 

I'm sorry.

 

No need to apologize. At this point you know what you have in this guy. If you really want to continue this song and dance, you have to take him as he is. Don't expect anything to change, just know that how he has been is what you are agreeing to accept.

[youngnlove89]

No need to apologize. At this point you know what you have in this guy. If you really want to continue this song and dance, you have to take him as he is. Don't expect anything to change, just know that how he has been is what you are agreeing to accept.

 

I know. I just have to accept him. I can't complain anymore. I know I have a problem. I just pray one day I can do what is right. Until then, I have no right to complain because I am letting it happen. It is all up to me. We all have free will and I'm not being forced. This is my choice.

 

I get really down sometimes when I think too much about the situation I am in. I just want to be happy. I am afraid of that feeling without him. I can't handle it. He is my addiction and it sucks sometimes that I put up with it.

 

One of two things will eventually happen: I will realize he isn't worth it anymore or he will realize I am worth it.

 

Until then, I hope you guys still like me.

[Keenly]

It makes me sad that I can't see that avatar anymore

[Simon Phoenix]

I know. I just have to accept him. I can't complain anymore. I know I have a problem. I just pray one day I can do what is right. Until then, I have no right to complain because I am letting it happen. It is all up to me. We all have free will and I'm not being forced. This is my choice.

 

I get really down sometimes when I think too much about the situation I am in. I just want to be happy. I am afraid of that feeling without him. I can't handle it. He is my addiction and it sucks sometimes that I put up with it.

 

One of two things will eventually happen: I will realize he isn't worth it anymore or he will realize I am worth it.

 

Until then, I hope you guys still like me.

 

The bolded is the biggest reason why you haven't been able to break the cycle, because you are holding on to a completely unrealistic thought. After all this time, this guy is who he is. He's not changing for you, for me, for anyone. Why should he? He gets what he wants when he wants it for the most part. It's just not going to happen.

 

That doesn't make him a bad person. It just means he has a certain way of doing things. If you are willing to accept that and be with him, then be with him in the way he prefers. If you want something different, then you need to go out on your own. Those are the only two options. There is no all-encompassing option -- if after all of this time he hasn't changed, he isn't going to change this time. The only way he will change at all is if you leave the picture permanently. And even then it probably won't happen.

 

For all the words you write about it, it's really a simple question you need to answer -- would you rather be with him or would you rather be in a relationship that supplies you with your emotional needs? It's a "Door No. 1 or Door No. 2" choice -- there is no combination of the two options. If there were, it would have presented itself sometime during the last 15 reconciliations.

 

But the question is simple. And only you can determine the right answer. Just know that it's an either/or proposition.

[aisuru]

It's okay. I understand.

 

Here is my secret. I emailed my ex last night. Two sentences. *crickets*

 

It's who we are and what we do. You and me.

 

I think I understand you.

 

It'll be okay. That much I can tell you.

[youngnlove89]

It's okay. I understand.

 

Here is my secret. I emailed my ex last night. Two sentences. *crickets*

 

It's who we are and what we do. You and me.

 

I think I understand you.

 

It'll be okay. That much I can tell you.

 

Thanks.

 

What did you e mail him? I'm sorry he didn't reply. Keep us updated!

[Leigh 87]

Nothing you do, Younglove98, will get him to change.

 

Like the poster above pointed out: some people will never change for us, or even after us.

 

AT LEAST YOUR EX GIVES YOU SEX!

 

Mine won't budge on this !

 

He likens having sex to getting back together... He can only do it in a relationship with me with 100% feelings involved, or wait until we are friends with benefits.

 

At least you get the sex, damn it:(

 

Back to day one for me.

Edited May 28, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[youngnlove89]

Nothing you do, Younglove98, will get him to change.

 

I now understand how you feel when people comment on your thread and they swear up and down that they think they know how your own ex feels about you.

 

He can only do it in a relationship with me with 100% feelings involved, or wait until we are friends with benefits.

 

This doesn't make sense to me. Both are two different extremes. He either has sex with you or he doesn't.

 

I'm getting really tired of people claiming my ex doesn't love me. Or that he is seeing other women. Or that he doesn't care about me. You don't know him. It's rude. Stop saying that. By me going back to my ex, it isn't affecting any of you. This is my life, my decision. I will deal with my own consequences.

 

Sure, I might not have a perfect thing going on, but it's my life and this is what I want to do with it.

 

I still have hope that things will work out in the end, not necessarily for my ex and I, but for me. I'll find my way.

 

Some people have bigger issues, these are mine. Some people are going through a divorce. Some are going through infidelity. Some people are going through a breakup where the love died somewhere along the way, people changed. Some people are dealing with a death of a loved one. This is my issue. I'm dealing with it. This is how my cards played out.

 

I love him, and I know he loves me, I know he cares for me. I'm dealing with my issues and he is working on his. Him and I might not end up being together forever, but right now I'm enjoying this moment. This is what I want right now.

[moneyneversleeps]

You need to find yourself.

Trying to find validation in others is such a vicious cycle.

Everyone enjoys drama- i enjoy a bit of drama too. But you will never be happy if you keep relying on someone else to make you happy.

 

You said the world is such a terrible place. That is only because you choose to see it this way.

When i look around all i see is beauty because that is all i choose to see!

(being naive is bliss i guess)

 

And the sex - ahhh the sex. The sex will be amazing, don't expect to have it any better elsewhere. You guys were together for how long?

People learn to have great sex over time and it will take time to ever have amazing sex with someone else. especially if you love someone, it heightens the sensitivity.

[youngnlove89]

You need to find yourself.

Trying to find validation in others is such a vicious cycle.

Everyone enjoys drama- i enjoy a bit of drama too. But you will never be happy if you keep relying on someone else to make you happy.

 

You said the world is such a terrible place. That is only because you choose to see it this way.

When i look around all i see is beauty because that is all i choose to see!

(being naive is bliss i guess)

 

And the sex - ahhh the sex. The sex will be amazing, don't expect to have it any better elsewhere. You guys were together for how long?

People learn to have great sex over time and it will take time to ever have amazing sex with someone else. especially if you love someone, it heightens the sensitivity.

 

I found myself. In fact, I'm right here. I know where I am. I love drama. Maybe that is why I keep coming back to him. This is my comfort zone, unfortunately.

 

I don't really mean the world is a terrible place. I just see a lot of crazy stuff going on. There are so many bad people out there. I don't want to bring an innocent child into this world. That's just my own choice. Just like it's my own choice to stay in this relationship.

 

One day, maybe I'll snap out of it. I don't know. Sadly, I think the only way out is if he leaves and finds someone else.

 

We have been together for over 2 years now. And yes, the sex has increasingly gotten better. Like I said, it's the main reason we stay together. It's a horrible reason, but a reason nonetheless.

 

There was a moment over the weekend, where he was laying down on the couch and he motioned me to come lay on top of him and he started doing that baby talk and whining, like please baby lay with me...I want you. It really freaked me out. It wasn't like him. It made me uncomfortable.

 

I like it when he is the way he is. He is a butthole and I'm a pain the butt. That's what we have going on. He likes my craziness, I like how he is a jerk.

 

It's crazy. But it's me.

[Leigh 87]

Well I have no idea how your ex feels, mate.

 

You are clever enough to make a judgement on how your ex feels, more so than people online that have no idea how you interact or who he is as a person.

 

Just do what you have to do:)

 

At least your getting hot sex.

 

I stopped wanting to be around my ex cos he wanted to cuddle, hold hands, call me pet names and yet NOT HAVE SEX.

 

I was like fine dude, I don't want to sit here and feel undesirable.

 

He swore up and down that he was very attracted to me and was merely traumatised about the breakup.

 

You know what? If he has agreed to have sex with me, I would have stuck around lol.

 

Without the sex I just felt so.......... frustrated.

 

Please enjoy the sex for me. Not in a creepy way haha. but I mean I sure aint getting any so I want someone out there to make the most of it!

 

In the end it is about how long you want this and how long you can stand him not doing some of the things you obviously do need, right?

 

I am glad this feels right for you though, seriously, I wish my ex came back!

 

Has it really been 16 times you have gotten back together?

 

That is pretty crazy.

 

I can only see my ex and I re uniting if we don't find the love of our lives and then reconnect.

[Simon Phoenix]

You actually sound like my buddy's ex-girlfriend. For 2.5 years they "dated" -- meaning she basically had sex with him and cooked for him on his schedule and basically bent over backwards to keep a relationship with him, hoping that he would see the effort she was putting out and he'd want to eventually commit to her long-term and marry her. All the while he was relatively indifferent to the whole thing when she wasn't around. I'd ask him why he stays with her and he'd say "she's nice and she likes me, plus it's easier than actually having to go out and work for it. I work hard enough in the rest of my life." He was pretty upfront with her about this stuff for the most part, but she didn't care -- she was addicted to him and felt that she could change him if he tried hard enough. And like in your situation (at least what it seems to be) he didn't cheat on her at any time.

 

She broke up with him multiple times and caved, coming back to him for him. He'd accept, because being with her was on his terms and low maintenance, but he never once felt any inclination to up his feelings for her. Finally, she gave him another ultimatum, which he obviously didn't give her the answer she wanted, and she left and finally stayed gone. He didn't really care. About six weeks later he met another woman. He was living with her within eight months, engaged to her within a year and I am attending their wedding a month from now. He exhibited more effort in the first month with his current fiance than he did in 2.5 years with the other girl.

 

I'm not saying this to tell you to break up with your guy. Couldn't care less if you do or if you don't. Just saying that your vision of this guy molding into your ideal is a delusion and in general, a guy will make the effort with a woman he truly cherishes on that level. My friend liked his ex as a person -- just didn't see a future with her. I think your guy likes you as a person -- I just don't think that this story is going to have the Hallmark ending that you crave and you are going to be kicking yourself wondering why you wasted all of this time trying to tear down a brick wall by headbutting it instead of opening the unlocked door just to your left.

 

I don't think that what he is is what you ultimately want -- you wouldn't have started all of these threads on this site about him stating the opposite if that were to be true. I really don't think you've had this epiphany like you think you've had. I think you are once again trying to meld a happy ending because you've devoted so much energy to this guy that you think you are incapable of being with anyone else and you think that moving on means that you were wrong and you wasted your time. Basically, you are the gambler in the casino who has lost a ton of money but keeps betting hoping that there's the one special bet out there that will turn it around.

 

Or maybe I'm wrong and maybe you've just decided that you are going to embrace the way he "loves" you and it's going to stick. Who knows.

[youngnlove89]

Has it really been 16 times you have gotten back together?

 

haha I will enjoy it. Thanks.

 

I don't really know how many times it has been, but it's been a lot. I think this time I'm going to stop ending things because I just keep coming back. Instead, I'm going to just keep things the way they are. We both agreed that we aren't seeing other people. We both committed to each other in that way. I trust him. He is a good guy.

 

But this time, I'm going to have my own life. I'm going to go out and meet new people. I'm not going to let my friendships and family relationships fall to the way side. I'm not going to cancel plans to be with him. I'm going to do my own thing. Eat healthy. Work out. I'm going to have him compliment my life rather than become it.

[youngnlove89]

Thanks Simon.

 

I appreciate that reference of your friend you gave me. That sounds exactly like the situation I'm in. I see it. I know it. It is very sad.

 

But right now, I don't know if I'm strong enough to let go yet. I need to slowly ween myself off of him.

 

Like I said, one day I will. Just like your buddies exgf realized. She walked away and she was done. I will one day too.

 

Until then...

[iouaname]

The saying "the more importance you give to someone in your life, the less important you become in theirs" rings true to me in situations like these. I don't cast any judgment on you for going back to him, but I think your last post about not letting him become your life is really important.

[na49]

Are you kidding or is this really your 16th chance with him?

 

Also, it sounds like you're expecting things to fail when you say stuff like this.

 

She walked away and she was done. I will one day too.

 

Until then...

 

You have to treat it as a new relationship. You're not the same girl he used to be with. You've changed (even if it was just recently) Your happiness has to be important too. You have to let him know that you want to be invited out with him, you want him to tell you he loves you and do all of that crap that you said he didn't do that made you unhappy. He's the one who came to you with all of that sappy "I miss you, I always think about you" crap. He needs to show YOU something now. Does he want it or doesn't he? and do you want this with him or not?

[Simon Phoenix]

Are you kidding or is this really your 16th chance with him?

 

Also, it sounds like you're expecting things to fail when you say stuff like this.

 

 

 

You have to treat it as a new relationship. You're not the same girl he used to be with. You've changed (even if it was just recently) Your happiness has to be important too. You have to let him know that you want to be invited out with him, you want him to tell you he loves you and do all of that crap that you said he didn't do that made you unhappy. He's the one who came to you with all of that sappy "I miss you, I always think about you" crap. He needs to show YOU something now. Does he want it or doesn't he? and do you want this with him or not?

 

That's not going to happen. She's more afraid of being alone without this guy than she wants to in a healthy relationship where her needs are being met. She's decided that he is more important, at least at this time, than she is. It is what it is.

[youngnlove89]

Are you kidding or is this really your 16th chance with him?

 

Also, it sounds like you're expecting things to fail when you say stuff like this.

 

Well I exaggerated. I've lost count. I have broken up with him at least 8 times. I can't commit to it. He broke up with me 3 times in the first 6 months. He hasn't since then, because I beat him to it, or at least that's what I say to myself.

 

When he broke up with me the first 3 times, it made me self conscious. like, when is he going to break up with me again?!

 

You have to treat it as a new relationship. You're not the same girl he used to be with. You've changed (even if it was just recently) Your happiness has to be important too. You have to let him know that you want to be invited out with him, you want him to tell you he loves you and do all of that crap that you said he didn't do that made you unhappy. He's the one who came to you with all of that sappy "I miss you, I always think about you" crap. He needs to show YOU something now. Does he want it or doesn't he? and do you want this with him or not?

 

I don't know what I want anymore. I really don't know if it is even him I want. but I'm enjoying the moment. I know he wants to be with me, he told me. He said he doesn't want me out of his life and he is happy with us. He doesn't want to date anyone else right now, just me. He said this.

 

But this time, I'm changing. He isn't the center of my world anymore. I am going to go hang out with friends, family, make plans, do ME. Then, when I have time, I will spend it with him.

[na49]

The euphoria of being "back together" lasts about a week. I was saying everything you're saying. Just know it's a lot harder once the relationship becomes the relationship again, and you're feelings are where they used to be with him. It's an actual relationship with this person again. and all of the things that a relationship brings, with a lot of the same things your past relationship brought.

 

I'd be lying if I said I stuck to my plan I laid out when we first got back together. Not that I haven't been happy, but I haven't been going to the gym as much, stopped going to counseling (partly because the semester is over, and the counseling was free) She's become a very important part of my life now. A lot of my time is dedicated to her, as her time is dedicated to me.

 

Also, it sounds like a lot of games. You dump him before he can dump you? Do you really think that's a healthy way to handle a relationship? My girlfriend dumped me once before, but I'm not thinking about how I can dump her before she dumps me again. I know how much pain I was in. (so does most of the BU board ) I'm thinking about how I can stay happy in my relationship with her and how I can have a relationship with her that will have legs and won't be thrown away like it was the first time.