Heard from ex after more than a year! Thoughts?

[gentle_male]

Hi all, I thought about writing this and never writing or replying to her again. Thoughts?

 

Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you. Because one day, you might wake up from your sleep and realise that you lost the moon while counting the stars.

 

and then continue my life like she doesn't exist any more. but I don't want to just leave without showing her WHY! in the nicest possible way, so that maybe she gets hit in the head by it I don't deserve this "occasional" contact, especially when she initiated it again after a year.

 

HELP!!!!

[SharkTooth]

GM, You are too nice, not a bad thing but in my opinion your old girlfriend hoped that after a year you might have grown some balls. I have posted on LS time after time that all ex's came back for me and I think you made me realise that it was because I was truly a nice guy. The difference between you and I is it really didn't matter to me what they thought of my actions. I simply was myself and was very comfortable in my skin. In other words, I was confident, and unfortunately for the ex's, they had lost my feelings I once had for them. I still keep in touch with most of them here and there but I never initiate contact. I understand the devoted love you have for this woman and it sucks that she still has that power over you. My advice,,,take control of the time you are spending thinking about why, how, what, where on her and invest that time in yourself in becoming successful, fun, and exciting. There are 1,000's of women that dream of a man like you. Keep that in mind at all times. Cool your jets off with this girl and when it doesn't matter to you, what she thinks, you've got the world by the balls

[Jono85]

Hi all, I thought about writing this and never writing or replying to her again. Thoughts?

 

Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you. Because one day, you might wake up from your sleep and realise that you lost the moon while counting the stars.

 

and then continue my life like she doesn't exist any more. but I don't want to just leave without showing her WHY! in the nicest possible way, so that maybe she gets hit in the head by it I don't deserve this "occasional" contact, especially when she initiated it again after a year.

 

HELP!!!!

 

dude do not write that, it's something a girl would write. actually it's something most girls would think or read or write on their facebook status but would never even text their bf or ex or whomever. so definitely do not send that to her.

 

you're still ignoring everyone's advice, so i'm not going to spend much more time in here. you continue to make the same stupid mistakes and wonder why nothing's changed. you say you don't want to play games, but what the hell do you think this is?? you like this girl quite a bit, yet despite what you THINK she's showed you (ie. holding hands?? flirting??..come on bud is this elementary school??) she's really given you NOTHING. you're driving yourself crazy playing her game and analyzing everything. you say you'll send one last text then that's it?? are you kidding me?? you're not fooling anyone. you do NOT have the strength to resist texting this girl. she owns your balls and she knows it. no wonder she's not really all that attracted to you. she can have you when she wants. she's not ONCE came through on one of your invites to see you, and yet you STILL give her attention like a little puppy. you're her favourite pen-pal/flirt when the guys she has crushes on don't give her any attention. come get a nice ego boost from gentle_male but don't have to actually even see him.

 

wake up man. stop settling for this bullsh*t. be a man. either tell her you want to see her b/c you really aren't looking for a pen-pal, or just throw in the towel. my guess is if you tell her you want to see her, she will stall again and it won't go down. but for god sake, stop putting yourself through this.

Edited June 26, 2013 by Jono85

[gentle_male]

Thanks so much SharkTooth & Jono85,

 

Both with great words of wisdom.

 

But yes, taking your advice. The balls have been lowered and the towel has been thrown. Thank you, really, because my balls didn't lower by themselves! ha!

 

She wrote just now, another flirty message but with no substance or action. I deleted it and I didn't reply. It's the first step. I will also not say happy birthday. No point. Even if she gets upset, what's it going to change? Nothing. Maybe she'll realise I've actually had enough and if she doesn't, she's in fairy land.

 

If a grand gesture happens, I'll keep you in the loop, otherwise, thank you so much to everyone on this board and I hope that my case can be a lesson and example for you all.

 

Cheers and thanks for reading and to everyone who offered much appreciated advice

[Jono85]

Thanks so much SharkTooth & Jono85,

 

Both with great words of wisdom.

 

But yes, taking your advice. The balls have been lowered and the towel has been thrown. Thank you, really, because my balls didn't lower by themselves! ha!

 

She wrote just now, another flirty message but with no substance or action. I deleted it and I didn't reply. It's the first step. I will also not say happy birthday. No point. Even if she gets upset, what's it going to change? Nothing. Maybe she'll realise I've actually had enough and if she doesn't, she's in fairy land.

 

If a grand gesture happens, I'll keep you in the loop, otherwise, thank you so much to everyone on this board and I hope that my case can be a lesson and example for you all.

 

Cheers and thanks for reading and to everyone who offered much appreciated advice

 

that's the first post I've been proud of . Now the trick, and test, will be to KEEP this mentality. B/c we both know she isn't finished with you. She likes getting her ego boosted when she's down. She's not used to you showing her you have balls (no offense) and might even get cranky b/c of it. Do not waiver. You've begun change, and need to keep the momentum going. You're in full control. Again, it will be tough, sad, at times; we've all had to, or are currently going through, leaving girls we were in love with. It takes time. You've allowed yourself to be hooked for quite some time to this chick, but it's all present/future from here, don't worry about the past.

 

Anyway keep at it. I, like you, find it very hard to ignore people, but sometimes you have to do what's best for yourself for once. If she does end up giving you actual substance, then maybe you can re-evaluate. But always take time before making any rash decisions and think with your brain, not your heart (easier said than done). Good luck. I don't want to see your next update whining about the same thing (ie. she seemed like she was so interested but we still haven't met up...) lol. Take care.

[IS IT Better late]

Gentle Male,

 

I felt compelled to reply b/c your situation sounds like my deal on steriods. Clearly you and this girl have a greater history than my situation.

 

Btw how long were you guys together for? And what was her reasoning for breaking it off?

 

So basically you are going through a similar situation as I am and many others on LS are. We're being somewhat jerked around b/c we still have interest in these women. And they know it. And that gives them the advantage.

 

Now I don't understand why they do what they do but from what I've learned from LS it's all selfish based. They want to emotional fix, that attention, and we are a very reliable and comfortable and meaningful source for them.

 

They are not looking to reconcile with us. We'd know it b/c their actions show they don't want that. She would've made time to see you in person. I've been hit with every excuse in the book as to why she can't see me.

 

But like your girl, she's very charming, flirty, and is great at making me feel good. And this of course leads to false hope and visions in our heads.

 

I like you have taken a similar course of action to not dismiss her or ignore her and wanted to see how everything plays out.

 

But I've reached a point where I can't play this game any longer b/c I need to move on with my life.

 

I have a game plan in place to end this game. You should consider a game plan as well. Unless she makes the effort we need to end this torture.

 

I'm curious to see how your situation pans out. Good Luck!

[gentle_male]

Thanks, Jono85, haha no offence taken Thanks for your support!!

 

and to IS IT Better late, thanks also In answer to your questions, we were together for about 5 years (and flirty friends for a year before that) and her reasoning was that when I proposed (which she had asked my mum when I would), she became anxious and suddenly had doubt.

 

I will be sure to keep you all updated, if there is anything further from her.

[gentle_male]

Hello all,

 

To all those who were following this thread, here is an update.

 

A few more months have passed without contact. Yesterday, I received an SMS from her in the morning. It only said "How are you?". I didn't reply.

 

Then, another message at 10pm. "Can we please have a coffee together tomorrow?".

 

I did respond and just said "Sorry, I'm leaving the country tomorrow" (which I was), and left it at that.

 

Then, the last thing I expected in the world, 30 minutes later...

 

"Can you come outside? I'm at your house. Can we please have a walk together? I understand if you don't want to."

 

I'm not a nasty person and she had (surprisingly & spontaneously) left her dinner with her family and come to my house straight away. So, I went downstairs.

 

As soon as she saw me, she burst into tears (which I was completely shocked to see). So I hugged her and asked what was wrong. She said she didn't know why she was in tears suddenly when she saw me, or why she felt she had to see me immediately tonight, or why she wrote to me or why she's been thinking about me all the time. Only that something has been incomplete and unresolved in her for the last years and she can't explain it and now she was full of emotion seeing me.

 

We walked for 2 hours around the area. She didn't ask to get back together but she did say that she has never felt like this before, it was killing her not having me in her life, she has been thinking about me and misses me incredibly (and all my family and friends) and maybe she is still in love with me. But she doesn't know what love is anymore. She was quite defensive and said that in these past years she had a heart of stone and was very protective of it. She asked if we can get back in contact slowly (and emphasised slowly). That she's anxious of making huge mistakes.

 

I have never seen her in such a vulnerable and protective state before. She kept holding my hand and then pulling away when she realised. I wasn't upset in the least. I think a lot of memories and emotions hit her last night that both of us were not prepared for.

 

Neither of us kissed, we talked, we joked, it was very pleasant but she was very closed and I could tell she was anxious and protective.

 

If you have any questions, please ask away.

[12yearsin]

I agree with Miky. Indifference is key. Take it slow.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

GM

 

I want to say this is the beginning of something lovely. And that all you need to do is take it slow. I want to, but can't, cause she has shown some behavior that needs to be addressed.

 

You, on the other hand, sound like a prince...

 

So this is what I see.

 

She got cold feet after 5/6 years together, and wanting to get married, when you actually asked. That happens...but it was a year? Before she reached out?

 

There was no, wow, I realize I am not ready to get married, lets still date. A complete dumping means (to me) that she felt YOU were not what she wanted.

 

A year later...she hoovers you in, and it's all comfy and flirty (cause you are a prince) and whatever was there years ago is still there.

 

But so are her issues and whatever doubts she had.

 

I hate to see you invest in this again and have her come to the same conclusion as before...KWIM?

 

I think before you embark on "slowly" staring it all up again, you need to know what happened the first time. Want she was thinking and why she threw it all away.

 

It's really possible that there is some commitment issue and without therapy she will never fix it.

 

I really think that the "start" has to include a full understanding of the whys of the previous end.

 

IIWII

[HappyLove]

TRUTH: she probably hasn't found another sucker to take her crap the way you have. Turns out not everyone thinks she's so sweet. She needs her attention fix so she comes back to the one who falls for it every time. You ignoring her freaks her out but she knows how to worm her way back in your life. YOU need to decide what YOU want! You spent 5 years with this chick and she turned down your proposal so now she weasels her way back in your life and manages to make you confused again. After you figure out what YOU want lay it on the table all this in & out of your life is crazy. Are you gonna waste another 5 years of your life, or would you rather spend that time building a relationship with a SANE loving woman who RESPECTS your feelings? Are you a glutton for punishment?

[BC1980]

I would say that she is trying to test the waters again to see if she made a mistake. The problem is that she still doesn't know. Do you want her back in your life with the uncertainty? Or do you feel you have moved on? She might want you back at some point and maybe not. Only you can decide if the risk is worth it.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Any updates?

[gentle_male]

Hi All,

 

After many months passed with no contact, two days ago, she wrote me a very friendly, happy SMS asking to have lunch with me. I declined, to which she asked for dinner. I declined again. She was persistent and asked even to see me just for 5 minutes anywhere, anytime I could.

 

So I said what the heck, she can take me to dinner. So, she picked me up and from the moment we were in the car, with no talk of the past, we were laughing like when we first met. No romantic talk at all. We had a wonderful dinner where she was very interested in me and kept asking about me (she hadn't done this in many years).

 

After, we went for a walk and she took and held my hand as we were walking. In these years, I've become very confident and more care-free so I didn't react. I just held her hand, not pulling away, nor holding it tight and getting emotional. We walked and talked for hours. For once, she didn't look at her watch or anything.

 

She said her family still had hopes that we would get back together. Then, at the end of the night when I said goodbye (again not getting emotional or even asking when I would see her again or what she wanted), she kissed me on the lips and held me and my hands for 5 minutes really tight, she was always looking at our hands together. I still didn't react or ask her anything.

 

She asked when will she see me next and I said I don't know. She said, I hope very soon.

 

I'm away now for 3 weeks.

 

She didn't mention getting back together or anything.

 

Very unexpected day, in every way ha!

 

Thoughts or Questions?

[Mariposa10]

After the breakup did you guys go NC instantly??

[BC1980]

She is definitely testing the waters to see if you want to get back together. All of her actions indicate this.

[gentle_male]

After the breakup did you guys go NC instantly??

 

Dear Mariposa10,

 

Absolutely not. At first, I made all the typical mistakes. The most NC occurred now (2 months of NC), but this was the maximum. She would often break NC every month or so, often just with "breadcrumbs".

 

 

Dear BC1980,

 

Thank you for your thoughts, they are really appreciated! She hasn't asked anything specific, however.

[Frank13]

Here are my thoughts.

 

You are her "fill in" guy, otherwise known as a "chump". You are the guy she goes to when she has absolutely no one else to see.

 

Your clues are that she goes NC for months at a time and she never says anything about getting back together. Probably calls you between boyfriends.

 

Why does she do this? Because despite you saying at least 3 times in your posts that you are going NC, you always let her suck you back in.

 

Next time she calls and wants to meet, tell her you can't because you have plans with your girlfriend, or if she just texts to ask what's new, tell her you have been dating a girl for a while and it is starting to get serious.

 

With her trying to see you so hard when she does break NC, including showing up at your house, I would like to see her reaction if she thinks you are seeing a new girl. It might even force her to decide if she wants to get back with you or not.

[ariawuu]

It seems like they're varying advice on this situation.. I'd say go with your gut.

 

We can only make assumptions but it's important to see that they're many reasons why an ex might be acting this way. Perhaps your ex has certain goals in her life that she needs focusing on at this stage, and at the same time she doesn't want to completely lose the friendship, she is trying to rebuild on. Or she could be too ashamed to admit regret in dumping you or the way she dumped you. Sometimes people have a bit of pride and some people don't have the ability to think in the shoes of other people, so they're oblivious. I think if I were you, if patience slowly turns into resentment you should be upfront and ask about her intentions before anything is gone to sh*.

 

It seems she doesn't want to lose you and at the very least she wants friendship! Either way, you have to treat it as a new relationship. If you think she is worth it, do what a man needs to do. Throughout history, men has always done the chasing while the women selects her partner. Which could be the reason behind the way she comes in, show interest and then recedes.. like a tide.

 

However, know that if it doesn't work out, understand that there are many women out there who is looking for a gentleman such as yourself. So continue to be happy, continue to be awesome and don't let this hold you down.

 

GL and Keep us posted OP

Edited October 22, 2013 by ariawuu

[readynow]

I was exactly like this girl once - knew I didnt want to be with the guy but the familiarity was a safe haven for the times when I was lonely. I would have a fight with my bf and think 'xx would never treat me this way' and off to him I'd run for comfort till I was feeling myself again.

 

I only stopped when I grew up a little more. I still would never get back together with him.

 

I could never do that to anyone again - its just cruel and you should not keep being the discarded tissue she runs back to fetch from the bin when she needs her nose blowing.

[DannyCA]

Any updates?

[NoMoreJerks]

I was exactly like this girl once - knew I didnt want to be with the guy but the familiarity was a safe haven for the times when I was lonely. I would have a fight with my bf and think 'xx would never treat me this way' and off to him I'd run for comfort till I was feeling myself again.

 

I only stopped when I grew up a little more. I still would never get back together with him.

 

I could never do that to anyone again - its just cruel and you should not keep being the discarded tissue she runs back to fetch from the bin when she needs her nose blowing.

If this is what OP's ex is doing, then it is absolute cruel. I had a similar thing done to me by my ex. While no other woman was involved in the relationship sense of the word, he did try his luck with other women (and had sex with them behind my back), left me a few times, and then wanted to get back together, professing his love for me, because he was lonely. I didn't realize it at the time, but in the end I did.. after having taken him back 4 times. OP, please do not fall for it, if you see red flags and feel like this might be what she is doing and why she is doing it. I'd inquire about her relationship status and when was the last time she was dating/in a relationship since you were broken up.