I can't avoid MM socially, common friends, at my breaking point again.

[10yrs]

Skip the BBQ. Don't bother with telling the GF. Being his former OW and then 2 D-days, she knows what he is.

 

You need to make a plan for yourself right now and the less drama the better. Have you considered counseling? It would be a good start. You may want to also consider getting angry. He has treated you horribly for years.

 

You are better than this. You deserve more than this. Don't give him your power. He is a a huge jerk.

 

Don't have sex with him again. If you must, please use protection. You know what he is too.

 

Thank you, yes I do deserve better. I will be going to the bbq tomorrow, but I will stick with my friends. I will not cause any drama. If she does her thing where she fishes for info, then who knows, but she hasn't done that for a long time. I agree that the less drama, the better. Yes, I had counseling for years and years.

 

I'm feeling strong right now. I just spent a lovely evening with my friends. I did not mention MM, nor did anyone else. This is typical. I need to figure out how to deal with seeing MM and his GF when it happens. They will be there tomorrow, but so will my close friends. My plan is to give the impression that they are basically invisible to me. I want to enjoy "my" friends, and not burden anyone with my issues.

 

I am feeling close to making this a part of my past. I'm not there yet, but am actively considering it.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you, yes I do deserve better. I will be going to the bbq tomorrow, but I will stick with my friends. I will not cause any drama. If she does her thing where she fishes for info, then who knows, but she hasn't done that for a long time. I agree that the less drama, the better. Yes, I had counseling for years and years.

Then own it. Take a chance and tell her the truth! That you are totally in love with him and you don't mean to hurt her but that the two of you have been having an A for 12 years and she has the right to know and decide what she wants. This way it's ALL out in open and everybody can make their own choices.

 

You're wasting your life away with this taken man. What if they have kids some day. What if you want your own family, a house and a full time partner? It won't be with him unless something changes. And I say chance because it could back fire on you and he could choose her and she could forgive him ,want to stay.

 

I say you should end it and grieve the loss, this way you CAN find a partner who will be there for you 24/7 and have a family of your own.

[2sunny]

Since you state you went to counseling - what did they suggest you DO to change things?

[10yrs]

Then own it. Take a chance and tell her the truth! That you are totally in love with him and you don't mean to hurt her but that the two of you have been having an A for 12 years and she has the right to know and decide what she wants. This way it's ALL out in open and everybody can make their own choices.

 

You're wasting your life away with this taken man. What if they have kids some day. What if you want your own family, a house and a full time partner? It won't be with him unless something changes. And I say chance because it could back fire on you and he could choose her and she could forgive him ,want to stay.

 

I say you should end it and grieve the loss, this way you CAN find a partner who will be there for you 24/7 and have a family of your own.

 

I'm not sure that I'm totally in love with him, I never said that. We are older, there will not be more new kids, other than grandkids! We are late fifties/early sixties. We all have grown children.

 

Unless she were to ask me right out, I have no plans to tell her about the affair.

[10yrs]

Since you state you went to counseling - what did they suggest you DO to change things?

 

My experience with counseling has been the same feedback I read on here. Just stop it. Move on. You are worth better, etc.

 

Yes, this is good advice, but clearly many of us addicts have a hard time just moving on.

 

Today I'm just disgusted with myself. The good news is I did rejoin an online dating service recently, and this time I feel very OPEN to meeting someone. As someone here said, any halfway decent guy will make me feel like a queen after the way I've been treated in the past. Again, I don't blame anyone but myself, not looking for sympathy.

 

I'm getting ready for the bbq, and just got off the phone with a friend, and am ready to enjoy the weekend. I can't control those two going to parties, so I have to control my reaction. That's all I can do for today...

[Mount]

Sadly - you should have (even though I am not a big fan saying could/should/would) found or started to look for the right man in your late 40's, not like where you are now.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, financially you are big mess too.

 

I'm not sure that I'm totally in love with him, I never said that. We are older, there will not be more new kids, other than grandkids! We are late fifties/early sixties. We all have grown children.

 

Unless she were to ask me right out, I have no plans to tell her about the affair.

Edited May 26, 2013 by Mount

[10yrs]

Sadly - you should have (even though I am not a big fan saying could/should/would) found or started to look for the right man in your late 40's, not like where you are now.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, financially you are big mess too.

 

I'm financially in very good shape.

[Mount]

That is good, at least retirment is settled.

 

I'm financially in very good shape.

[2sunny]

My experience with counseling has been the same feedback I read on here. Just stop it. Move on. You are worth better, etc.

 

Yes, this is good advice, but clearly many of us addicts have a hard time just moving on.

 

Today I'm just disgusted with myself. The good news is I did rejoin an online dating service recently, and this time I feel very OPEN to meeting someone. As someone here said, any halfway decent guy will make me feel like a queen after the way I've been treated in the past. Again, I don't blame anyone but myself, not looking for sympathy.

 

I'm getting ready for the bbq, and just got off the phone with a friend, and am ready to enjoy the weekend. I can't control those two going to parties, so I have to control my reaction. That's all I can do for today...

 

It's not ALL you can do. You could not go! You can not drink!

 

YOU could have YOUR OWN party and NOT invite them!

[findingnemo]

I just realized how old you are. Well, I wouldn't want to change my social circle now, let alone when I'm older. They are your friends, keep them.

 

Your "man" (not MM) clearly needs to have two women in his life. He would love living in my country where he can have two Ws. The amount of time you've spent (12 yrs) and the set schedule (once a week) would make you qualify for the title.(The only problem is you are missing out on the perks which are full recognition (no secrecy) and a right to inherit should he die.)

 

The more details you give us, the more confused I get. What would be the ideal situation for you? Marriage? Continue the R openly, gf or no gf? What do you think should happen?

[awkward]

I hope the BBQ was drama free for you. I suggest you start practicing some of the skills that you learned in counseling. Even if you start with baby steps. Getting out of this affair should be your number one priority.

 

Honestly, would you be surprised if there were OOW and OOOW? This is not healthy. This is your life. Try to make some changes.

[2sunny]

Since you don't address questions here that are designed to help you gain insight for your betterment - I have to assume you also avoided the work in counseling that could have helped you grow and be better to YOURSELF.

 

Look, if you're not willing to change YOU and the way you participate - this will go another 10-20-30 years just being the same.

 

That makes YOU victimizing YOURSELF.

 

If you don't plan to take action to make change happen - then quit complaining about what you willingly have signed up for in the past 12 years.

 

Find a new counselor! One hat can address your need to be the victim and why you don't think you're worthy of decency in a relationship.

 

Next time - plan your own party! That way he's not invited!

[10yrs]

I just realized how old you are. Well, I wouldn't want to change my social circle now, let alone when I'm older. They are your friends, keep them.

 

Your "man" (not MM) clearly needs to have two women in his life. He would love living in my country where he can have two Ws. The amount of time you've spent (12 yrs) and the set schedule (once a week) would make you qualify for the title.(The only problem is you are missing out on the perks which are full recognition (no secrecy) and a right to inherit should he die.)

 

The more details you give us, the more confused I get. What would be the ideal situation for you? Marriage? Continue the R openly, gf or no gf? What do you think should happen?

 

I'm getting confused too, confused as to why I'm in this mess. Over the years I've hoped she would find out (by someone else seeing us out), and they would break up and he and I would date. I rarely think of this happening anymore.

 

I seem to be caught up in just wanting time together on a somewhat regular basis. We don't have a set schedule or anything. Sometimes I've felt that I am using him.

 

He wanted to see me today but I turned him down. I have some other obligations today, but even so I felt good turning him down. I hardly ever do that.

[10yrs]

Just to update. The bbq was fun. They did not show up until just a few minutes before I had to leave (I had some other plans later that night.)

 

I am reading and taking in what you all are saying. I'm not making excuses for my behavior, I've just tried to answer some questions here. And I'm not sure what I've not answered??

 

Yes, it's hard to read some of the posts, but it does force me to really think about what a pos he is. Truly, if we ever did get together, I would never be able to trust him. Duh.

 

I think it's time for me to phase him out. I have some family obligations here over the next few weeks, so I'm not as available to him. His gf is out of town as of today for a week, so he has been trying to make plans but I'm busy. Usually I would still try to rearrange things for him but today I have no desire to do that. It feels good to feel that way for a change.

 

So, there was no drama yesterday. When they did show up late, I looked at both of them differently. A good change, and it's due to you all posting the crazy truth.

[2sunny]

I'm getting confused too, confused as to why I'm in this mess. Over the years I've hoped she would find out (by someone else seeing us out), and they would break up and he and I would date. I rarely think of this happening anymore.

 

I seem to be caught up in just wanting time together on a somewhat regular basis. We don't have a set schedule or anything. Sometimes I've felt that I am using him.

 

He wanted to see me today but I turned him down. I have some other obligations today, but even so I felt good turning him down. I hardly ever do that.

 

You are using him.

 

Using him as an excuse to avoid intimacy and honesty with an available man.

 

You should want more for yourself than that. It's settling for 1/5th of a relationship, at best.

 

I'm glad you turned him down - that's a great start. I hope you will continue to make good choices for yourself! If you don't - no one else will...

 

Never settle!