I Challenge the No Contact Theory

[BustedUpInside]

I actually just laughed.

 

Currently I am single, and no matter how in love I am with my ex, unless there is some sort of commitment, I will continue playing the field.

Why should I invest all my heart and emotions into one uncertain outcome? Just setting up for failure.

But in saying that. Why not try. Sometimes you just need to know.

 

No one is saying that you can't play the field. No one is saying that you have to make emotional investments. You are saying that No Contact doesn't work because to get your ex back you have to show her love and affection, and my response to that is that it is not very loving to hedge your bet by sleeping with a multitude of women just in case she doesn't return your love.

 

Love should be given freely without an expectation. Otherwise, it is not love, more like coercion. I would also think someone who claims to be so mature in their "proffessional" life would be able to use some of those skills in his personal life as well. How about employing some rational thinking in all areas of you life?

[TaraMaiden]

Look, I give people good advice. You can't deny that.

 

You're both convinced that my ex is moving on fast and is not that in love with me, while I am desperately in love with him.

 

I am not a desperate women. I would never made a guy be with unless he badly wanted to be.

 

I am all about telling people to not bother with relationships unless both people badly want to be together.

 

The OP sounds like a kid. He does not sound like he is madly in love with his ex anyway, which are valid points I made.

 

You can't blame me for having a second thought about my ex, when he is literally begging to have another chance, and telling me to not move away to start a new life without him.

 

You may be able to ignore your exes when they profess their undying love for you, but frankly, I want to see what my ex has to prove to me (if he has changed).

 

Leigh - it's "WomAn". Singular. not "WomEn" plural.

You are a single WomAn. your ex slept with different WomEn.

Got it?

 

Quit hanging around for your loser ex to prove anything.

If this proves anything it proves that you still hold a Mills & Boon glossy image of your failed romance when in fact, all it was, was a young, blonde, naive and emotionally fragile woman being taken in by professions of undying and everlasting love from someone who's basically a player.

And whatever your ex is telling you - you shouldn't be hearing any of it. You've blocked every avenue of contact. Haven't you?

 

HAVEN'T YOU - !?

 

I actually just laughed.

Your ex had sex with hookers while you were together and you think he isn't sleeping around now that your not together?

How innocent and naive.

I actually laughed. You profess love and devotion to your ex and want to get back together with her - yet you're phukking anything with a vagina. Does she know that the man who screwed her on their date is also liberally putting it into other ports of call, as well? Or did you omit that little piece of honesty?

Yah. Thought so.

Total disclosure isn't a big thing with you, is it?

 

I am in my early 20's. definitely immature when it comes to my emotions, but not my Proffessional life.

That's 'professional'. Helps to spell correctly in your 'professional' life.

Early 20's? Your brain hasn't even finished forming yet. Now wonder you sound like a damn fool....

 

 

Never cheated on any girl.

Currently I am single, and no matter how in love I am with my ex, unless there is some sort of commitment, I will continue playing the field.

Take it from more mature, adult and experienced people on here. That's a bad plan.

Either strive to get your ex back - or have as many flings as you want. But no ex- would be glad to get back together with someone who basically amounts to being a tramp.

 

Why should I invest all my heart and emotions into one uncertain outcome? Just setting up for failure.

Hang on - 'Uncertain'...? 'failure'...?

 

I thought you had all this carefully planned out?

What happened?

I take it she's not playing by your rules, then?

 

What a surprise....

 

Sometimes you just need to know.

Well, if you'd just listen to us , just for once - you'd know:

 

1: NC is not designed to get an ex- back. It never has been, except in your head, it seems.

2: She's friend-zoning you and she's not coming back. And you continuing to play with her the way you are is just going to confuse things further.

[aisuru]

Leigh - it's "WomAn". Singular. not "WomEn" plural.

You are a single WomAn. your ex slept with different WomEn.

Got it?

 

Quit hanging around for your loser ex to prove anything.

If this proves anything it proves that you still hold a Mills & Boon glossy image of your failed romance when in fact, all it was, was a young, blonde, naive and emotionally fragile woman being taken in by professions of undying and everlasting love from someone who's basically a player.

And whatever your ex is telling you - you shouldn't be hearing any of it. You've blocked every avenue of contact. Haven't you?

 

HAVEN'T YOU - !?

 

 

I actually laughed. You profess love and devotion to your ex and want to get back together with her - yet you're phukking anything with a vagina. Does she know that the man who screwed her on their date is also liberally putting it into other ports of call, as well? Or did you omit that little piece of honesty?

Yah. Thought so.

Total disclosure isn't a big thing with you, is it?

 

 

That's 'professional'. Helps to spell correctly in your 'professional' life.

Early 20's? Your brain hasn't even finished forming yet. Now wonder you sound like a damn fool....

 

 

 

Take it from more mature, adult and experienced people on here. That's a bad plan.

Either strive to get your ex back - or have as many flings as you want. But no ex- would be glad to get back together with someone who basically amounts to being a tramp.

 

 

Hang on - 'Uncertain'...? 'failure'...?

 

I thought you had all this carefully planned out?

What happened?

I take it she's not playing by your rules, then?

 

What a surprise....

 

 

Well, if you'd just listen to us , just for once - you'd know:

 

1: NC is not designed to get an ex- back. It never has been, except in your head, it seems.

2: She's friend-zoning you and she's not coming back. And you continuing to play with her the way you are is just going to confuse things further.

 

Not gonna lie... I read this and laughed/snorted a lot.

 

But mostly, it's nice to know you're lurking around here somewhere. That's all.

[PogoStick]

This thread doesn't suck. It's hilarious! I love the defiance by the OP in the early posts. Then watching how it slowly changed day by day...but too much pride to admit any misjudgements...

 

Just wait until she starts banging the next guy.

[Leigh 87]

But she knows you well enough to know if she desperately wants to be with you by now.

 

I think the point people are making is: she knows all she needs to know about you.

 

If she wants you back she will make it well known to you.

 

Seeing her or talking to her in any way, how is that going to change anything?

 

She either wants you back or not. No need to complicate things and talk to her. She will reach out to you if she wants you that bad.

 

And I am not a hypocrite. My ex loved me in the best way that he could, he is just a jerk. I am sure he is not seeing other people, he literally finishes work and comes to see me straight away. I doubt he is sleeping with women in his lunch breaks:lmao:

[Xinreeki]

 

No games...

 

Aren't you BOTH playing games?

 

As you already confessed that you had a "game plan" and that you thought she was playing you too...

 

 

We had a lot of fun and I told her I still care about her.

I haven't slept with anyone else since.

 

And I never lied, she never asked me if I slept with anyone else, because she knows that's none of her business.

 

 

Currently 1am, just got home from romantic dinner and barely above average sex. Tried sleeping the night with her but seriously didn't have the attention span or the energy to do so.

On my way home called the 2nd girlfriend.. Yep the second. It appears that I am exclusively tied to two women at the moment...

 

You DID lie to her then, or else you're lying to us now...

 

 

If buying flowers and kneeling at her doorstep every night would get her back, then obviously I would be doing it.

 

But if it involves not sleeping around with other women, or at the very least NOT lying to her about that, you aren't willing to even try it?

 

As the answer seems to be no.. YOU are the one playing her!

[Leigh 87]

He cannot see he is lying?

 

My ex was a pig but he admitted to everything he did before I asked him if he did it.

 

I guess she did not ask, yet you told her "I have not slept with other people"

 

Did you ask her if she had?

 

Would YOU care if she had slept around?

[moneyneversleeps]

This forum is not a spelling bee (we can all use dictionary), being right or being wrong. It's about expressing your opinion. It's about what works and what doesn't work.

 

Some people chase their dreams some don't. Some people also have different ways of grieving and dealing with pain - there is no one correct way. Yes there are more painful ways, but sometimes we have to go through this to come out a stronger person.

 

I DID break no contact however and i believe it has subsequently put me in a better position than before. The sequence of events that followed were a lot better than if i did stay in nc. This is MY circumstance and may not work for others.

 

SO FAR here is what happened step by step so you guys can get an understanding.

 

Day1

She asked to meet pretty much two weeks away. I called her and said, I would really appreciate it if we could just briefly meet to discuss some things tomorrow. I had to drop my brother off in her area anyway and it would just be a casual chat.

Day2

She agreed. We had a fantastic night. Initially, she was very hesitant and reluctant, but we then kissed and made out. I told her we do not need to have sex and i was happy to just enjoy her company and i totally was.

Day3

We met up again and went for a quick ice-cream. Same thing, she cried a lot, i comforted her, again we made out, i told her i wanted to make love to her but not now. She keeps saying she is confused and this is such bad timing. We are both going away, it could be 8 months that we will be apart. etc etc.

Day4

We call and message all day. We confirm to meet on our date next week.

Day5

?????????????????

 

I think we can all agree that this is a better outcome than if we stayed in NC.

She also said she wanted to call me for quite sometime and she was glad i called her as she was too scared.

 

As always, emotions area high and opinions are drastic, but they are always welcome.

[aloneinaz]

I don't know. There's no absolute right's or wrongs in love in my opinion. I think sometimes you have to go w/your heart or gut. I've had my ex break up with me several times. It was usually during a fight or argument. She'd get pissed and say F-it, it'd over. None of our break ups came from out of the blue. They were almost always when she'd lose her temper or was held accountable for her poor behavior. In each case, I'd let some time go by and then contact her. Each time, we got back together. The last time, though she broke up w/me, when i contacted her and she said she missed me and wanted to try again, I was able to say "not without couple therapy" and she agreed.

 

Guess what.. EVEN w/couple therapy it didn't work. It appears to me that I relationship is doomed if there are break ups in it, especially multiple break ups. My ex-wife and I fought and broke up many times while dating. We still got back together and married. Guess how the marrige was? Fighting throughout and I finally ended it after too many years.

 

It would be interesting to see data from happily married couples of over 20 years and if they fought or broke up during the dating period. I've got a good buddy who'd been married for 23 years. He gushes about his wife most of the time. Don't get me wrong, they have their arguments but the core foundation of love and respect is so strong that they work thru them in mature ways.

Edited June 6, 2013 by aloneinaz

[Leigh 87]

This forum is not a spelling bee (we can all use dictionary), being right or being wrong. It's about expressing your opinion. It's about what works and what doesn't work.

 

Some people chase their dreams some don't. Some people also have different ways of grieving and dealing with pain - there is no one correct way. Yes there are more painful ways, but sometimes we have to go through this to come out a stronger person.

 

I DID break no contact however and i believe it has subsequently put me in a better position than before. The sequence of events that followed were a lot better than if i did stay in nc. This is MY circumstance and may not work for others.

 

SO FAR here is what happened step by step so you guys can get an understanding.

 

Day1

She asked to meet pretty much two weeks away. I called her and said, I would really appreciate it if we could just briefly meet to discuss some things tomorrow. I had to drop my brother off in her area anyway and it would just be a casual chat.

Day2

She agreed. We had a fantastic night. Initially, she was very hesitant and reluctant, but we then kissed and made out. I told her we do not need to have sex and i was happy to just enjoy her company and i totally was.

Day3

We met up again and went for a quick ice-cream. Same thing, she cried a lot, i comforted her, again we made out, i told her i wanted to make love to her but not now. She keeps saying she is confused and this is such bad timing. We are both going away, it could be 8 months that we will be apart. etc etc.

Day4

We call and message all day. We confirm to meet on our date next week.

Day5

?????????????????

 

I think we can all agree that this is a better outcome than if we stayed in NC.

She also said she wanted to call me for quite sometime and she was glad i called her as she was too scared.

 

As always, emotions area high and opinions are drastic, but they are always welcome.

 

 

 

But my ex also initiates contact, asks to see me, kisses me, tells me he loves me and misses me.

 

It does not mean they want us back in an actual committed, long term relationship. Not unless they ask!

 

And they also have to be willing to change for the better and do what is needed to avoid any break ups in the future.

 

Did she dump you or did you dump her? I Cannot remember there is so much crap on this thread lol.

 

I get that she enjoyed your company, but a lot of us have exes who still enjoy being around us and imply they are still into us somewhat; yet they do not clearly state that want us back in a committed sense.

[landshark]

This forum is not a spelling bee (we can all use dictionary), being right or being wrong. It's about expressing your opinion. It's about what works and what doesn't work.

 

Some people chase their dreams some don't. Some people also have different ways of grieving and dealing with pain - there is no one correct way. Yes there are more painful ways, but sometimes we have to go through this to come out a stronger person.

 

I DID break no contact however and i believe it has subsequently put me in a better position than before. The sequence of events that followed were a lot better than if i did stay in nc. This is MY circumstance and may not work for others.

 

SO FAR here is what happened step by step so you guys can get an understanding.

 

Day1

She asked to meet pretty much two weeks away. I called her and said, I would really appreciate it if we could just briefly meet to discuss some things tomorrow. I had to drop my brother off in her area anyway and it would just be a casual chat.

Day2

She agreed. We had a fantastic night. Initially, she was very hesitant and reluctant, but we then kissed and made out. I told her we do not need to have sex and i was happy to just enjoy her company and i totally was.

Day3

We met up again and went for a quick ice-cream. Same thing, she cried a lot, i comforted her, again we made out, i told her i wanted to make love to her but not now. She keeps saying she is confused and this is such bad timing. We are both going away, it could be 8 months that we will be apart. etc etc.

Day4

We call and message all day. We confirm to meet on our date next week.

Day5

?????????????????

 

I think we can all agree that this is a better outcome than if we stayed in NC.

She also said she wanted to call me for quite sometime and she was glad i called her as she was too scared.

 

As always, emotions area high and opinions are drastic, but they are always welcome.

Even though I disagree with you, money, on the NC thing as a generality, it seems that you at least have her attention, now what? If I were in your position, (which I truly wish, but you know my situation), I would tell her to block off some time for a long talk. Start by asking her what she thinks went wrong and how to fix it. You do the same. Tell her that for x reasons, the old relationship has to go up in flames, then take the ashes, shift through and find the good things and build on them. Sorry to be so metaphorical but let me know how you do!

[Grumpybutfun]

OP- Beneath all of your posturing, I think you are deluding yourself. I cannot address your ideology about NC because I think your issue is way beyond that at this point. Philosophies and ideologies meant a great deal to me too when I was young and I believed that strategy and confidence would propel me towards happiness. When I was very young, I wrote a great deal of embarrassing and immature poetry and journal entries. Most of it was about how I thought the world was about me and my drama. I kept it around so that when I was about to be a dumb ass knucklehead, I could whip it out and remember that I learned some things along the way. Maybe these are some things you need to remember too.

 

1. Relationships are not about owning, possessing or manipulating someone else to feed my own ego. Relationships are not about winning, losing or having the upper hand. Relationships are about kindness and understanding and mutual feelings of admiration.

 

2. If you break up, there is a reason one of you felt the need to end that relationship. It is called immaturity or incompatibility. No matter how sincere both of you may be, if your need to get back together is built on drama and ego, you are headed for another break-up.

 

3. We have to learn these lessons over and over on our own if we continue to think that the world resolves around us and our egos. When we know better, we do better.

 

4.Learning how to be a kinder/ more understanding man is smarter than getting back a girl who obviously does not want you enough to sit down and work things out with calmness and clarity.

 

5. Drama and mind games are elements of a relationship that will destroy the very principles love should be built on which is kindness and respect.

 

6. Using your penis to make yourself feel better is only going to desensitize you to the value of using your body for your future woman's pleasure and showing her what is in your heart. Don't buy the hype of fools and believe that sex is a weapon for your battle concerning your ego and feelings of self-loathing.

 

7. If you are obsessing about something that is hurtful and destructive to you and your heart, then you need to learn how to let it go and focus on the positives. After all, if you feed the fear and doubt instead of the clarity and purpose, you will bring negative energy to your life.

 

8. NC isn't a weapon, but something to help you to get over the pain of a failed relationship...and this one did fail whether you want to admit it or not. Denial is something that you cannot entertain when seeking a life's partner. Wasting time on the wrong one keeps you away from the right one.

 

9. Nothing is more important to learn than that dating is only a tool for finding the right life's partner. By dating this girl, you learned some qualities that you saw in her and in yourself that you will not want in your life's partner or in yourself. This is important information and will help you to determine who you want to be as a man and who you will want to attract as someone to share your life with.

 

10. Finally, making sure that you are happy and fulfilled is the easiest way to attract a partner who is happy and fulfilled and who will be compatible with you.

 

Good luck,

Grumps

Edited June 7, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[moneyneversleeps]

Hey guys,

Just wanted to thanks you all for your support, over what seemed to be the toughest moments of my life.

 

Realistically, everyones opinion here was valid. Everyone was right in one way or another.

I don't want to post my story here yet. Nor am i willing to gloat about anything.

I don't want to jinx anything either.. (i don't believe in that crap anyway).

 

But there is one thing i can say. Everything is going swimmingly well.

 

I promise to post as soon as i am out of the dark times. I have a fear that she will see this and it will ruin my chances.

 

All the best to everyone else out there. Ill be around, but not willing to share this story yet. I PROMISE an update will be shared to give everyone out there an insight and to give people back the support that was provided to me. Also to provide HOPE.

[TaraMaiden]

Unless you've been completely honest with her with regard to your 'sexual prowess and activities' you are basing your reconciliation on a lie.

 

being dishonest by omission.

 

I would dare you to be completely honest and transparent with her, but somehow, I think you'd prefer to keep it 'our little secret'....

 

But good luck with that.

 

Can't wait for the update.

[Xinreeki]

I still can't believe that you had the nerve to accuse her of playing games with you, when it is YOU who has been sleeping around, YOU who has lied to her! And don't say you didn't, because there is evidence of that right here -

 

 

We had a lot of fun and I told her I still care about her.

I haven't slept with anyone else since.....

 

...I kinda have a feeling in my gut that she is using me though. Does this make any sense at all? She seems really hurt ..

 

(Unless of course you lied to us here instead?) And I'm sure she'll feel VERY hurt if / when the truth comes out.

 

And any reconciliation / re-newed relationship that develops will be based on lies and if you don't tell her the truth, the whole truth, you'll be forever crawling through a minefield of lies.

 

When a relationship is based on a foundation of lies its never going to be a real intimate relationship, because it won't be based on mutual trust, respect and honesty.

[Simon Phoenix]

Hey guys,

Just wanted to thanks you all for your support, over what seemed to be the toughest moments of my life.

 

Realistically, everyones opinion here was valid. Everyone was right in one way or another.

I don't want to post my story here yet. Nor am i willing to gloat about anything.

I don't want to jinx anything either.. (i don't believe in that crap anyway).

 

But there is one thing i can say. Everything is going swimmingly well.

 

I promise to post as soon as i am out of the dark times. I have a fear that she will see this and it will ruin my chances.

 

All the best to everyone else out there. Ill be around, but not willing to share this story yet. I PROMISE an update will be shared to give everyone out there an insight and to give people back the support that was provided to me. Also to provide HOPE.

 

You're the worst.

[Xinreeki]

Hey guys,

Just wanted to thanks you all for your support, over what seemed to be the toughest moments of my life.

 

Realistically, everyones opinion here was valid. Everyone was right in one way or another.

I don't want to post my story here yet. Nor am i willing to gloat about anything.

I don't want to jinx anything either.. (i don't believe in that crap anyway).

 

But there is one thing i can say. Everything is going swimmingly well.

 

I promise to post as soon as i am out of the dark times. I have a fear that she will see this and it will ruin my chances.

 

All the best to everyone else out there. Ill be around, but not willing to share this story yet. I PROMISE an update will be shared to give everyone out there an insight and to give people back the support that was provided to me. Also to provide HOPE.

 

Mmm.. sure.. you aren't gloating at all....

 

In fact, as its been established that you are a liar, what reason do we have to believe you are telling the truth now?

 

Also get used to the fear you have that she may find out the truth about what you did while you were apart, because you're going to have to live with that fear for a long long time...

[moneyneversleeps]

I am somewhat confused at the haters?

I havent lied to her.

What we have done while we weren't together shouldn't matter and it doesn't.

 

She hasn't asked me and I have not asked her.

I am going away anyway for sometime but we are going to try make it work because that is what we both want.

 

She loves me and i love her.

 

There isn't much more to it.. I am happy to give people advice on how to get their ex back.

Be aware, that is all i know. Do i know if it is the right decision? nope.

Do i know whether it will be for long term? nope.

whether reconciliation ever works for couples in the long term nope?

whether i went about it the right way? nope.

just that i got her back, for all the right reasons that make sense to me.

[Xinreeki]

 

We had a lot of fun and I told her I still care about her.

I haven't slept with anyone else since.

 

I am somewhat confused at the haters?

I havent lied to her.

 

You lied to us then. Why did you mention the above? After you've been going on about sleeping around etc in the rest of the thread?

[TaraMaiden]

I am somewhat confused at the haters?

I havent lied to her.

What we have done while we weren't together shouldn't matter and it doesn't.

Oh right, ok. So if she'd told you she has had sex at least four times, with different guys, and even got the children of one guy to call her 'auntie' that would be ok with you?

 

Picture her.

Picture her being screwed by another guy.

him pumping away and her really enjoying it.

And tell me that doesn't disturb you one bit.

 

You have lied to her by omission.

You KNOW - that if you told her you'd been having regular ONS, she'd be gone like a shot.

 

She hasn't asked me and I have not asked her.

You must be relieved. What would you tell her if she did ask you?

Go on, own up, be honest - what would you reply?

You haven't asked her, because you know you don't need to. She would be honest and tell you the truth.

You however, are keeping things from her.

 

I am going away anyway for sometime but we are going to try make it work because that is what we both want.

It won't. Not unless you address the issues you had, and resolve them.

Oh, and be honest with her, too...

 

She loves me and i love her.

Pardon me?

Oh, really....?

now that IS interesting....coming from you.

..........Love doesn't exist at all. It's just a mixture of lust, attraction and safety.

 

Proves to me you're an accomplished spreader of Bovine Scatology....

 

There isn't much more to it.. I am happy to give people advice on how to get their ex back.

:lmao:

 

Now that'as really rich! Screw around, lie, and generally behave like a jerk?

Erm no....not a good strategy...

 

Do i know if it is the right decision? nope.

Do i know whether it will be for long term? nope.

whether reconciliation ever works for couples in the long term nope?

whether i went about it the right way? nope.

just that i got her back, for all the right reasons that make sense to me.

 

HOW you got her back, actually is crucial - fundamental to the process.

And what are all these 'right reasons' that 'make sense to you'...?

 

And try to make sense to us, because so far, it's all been a brown, huge, smelly, steaming pile of nonsense.

Edited June 12, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[moneyneversleeps]

So we are back together. It's official friends.

We talked about everything that went wrong and what needs to be done.

We are going to work on it.

I even asked her if she would be angry if I was with other girls while we weren't together and she said she doesn't want to know, and, what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

Yep she is really perfect isn't she?

She took me out dinner last night. Paid and everything . Which was really nice because I'm used to always supporting everyone else.

She insisted.

[Trimmer]

I even asked her if she would be angry if I was with other girls while we weren't together and she said she doesn't want to know, and, what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

 

Yep she is really perfect isn't she?

What this means is that effectively you told her (you wouldn't have asked that inflammatory question unless it had happened, right? Please tell me your perfect woman is intelligent enough to figure that out...) and she isn't OK with it, but is dealing with it by pretending it didn't happen. Notice how she didn't even answer the hypothetical?

 

But at least now she knows. And you know that she's not in favor of it. And you both have cover to ignore the situation for now and not communicate about it. I suppose that's a kind of communication all in itself, eh?

 

Best of luck to you - I'm glad you got what you wanted.

 

As to your original thesis, if you have received advice that "the No Contact Theory" is a way to get a partner back, then I believe agree with your stance, in the sense that No Contact is absolutely ridiculous if you are trying to accomplish that. I never tell anyone that, as I find it to be a manipulative, fame-playing waste of time, and probably only marginally effective at that task.

 

On the other hand, if No Contact is being used as it is most reliably advised on this forum - to foster progress in a situation where you intend to move on and not look back - then I still maintain it's the best way to accomplish that. (i.e. as opposed to "trying to stay friends", "trying to ease out of a relationship", "show you still care", etc...) Nothing in your experience relates to that scenario, so I assume you would grant that your comments don't apply there.

Edited June 15, 2013 by Trimmer

[marqueemoon4]

I don't know, reading through this thread people are beating up on the OP.. he's a young guy learning the ropes. I agree the defiance and cockiness come off as juvenile, but give the guy a break. Maybe this will work, maybe he'll get his ass handed to him.. time will tell. They're called learning experiences for a reason.