Do MM ever miss their mistress after ending it?

[sweet_pea]

Some do, some don't. No OW can answer for the MM, no BS can. Just each individual MM, and they can only answer for themselves, instead of saying "we" as one did in this thread.

[latergater]

Hi latergator, thanks for your reply. A few things:

 

xMM never said his marriage was 'stale and boring'. He is very happy at home with his family. He never promised to leave his wife and choose me, and I never expected it. We were friends that ended up crossing a line. I ended it because he wanted to remain friends with me, I considered that o still be an affair, and I didn't want that anymore. I made the decision he couldn't, because of his wife and kids. I couldn't be partly responsible for ruining their lives, it was too much. So I backed out.

 

Mine didn't either but he did say he wasn't having sex with her .. and he wasn't attracted to her, and this seems to have been untrue. We too were friends who ended up crossing a line and I tried to tell him that he should stop seeing me and focus on his wife. Stop traveling with me and take his wife away. He refused. The one thing I did ask for is for him to promise me he would never abandon me. And, he did just that. Judging from why you ended the affair, to remain friends and salvage your relationship as friends, not ruin their lives, it doesn't appear that ending the affair worked for that cause, now, did it? The damage was done from day 1. He isn't just going to snap back from this and go about his day. You have not damaged their lives, but you have definitely had an effect on their marriage in some respect (which you may not be aware of) because you were involved with him. There will be changes in his marriage as a result of this affair whether you care to admit it or not. You just won't know what they are.

 

 

I find it unlikely, but if so, that's his decision. He hasn't contacted me because I asked him not to. I also said I wouldn't contact him. I don't see why that is so unusual. I don't see why a person can't have an affair and never have one again. I don't see why 2 people can't end something maturely and walk away. But, whatever. What happens in his life from here on out has nothing to do with me. I have nothing else to say to him, so I won't be reaching out. Him, I don't know - but I find it extremely unlikely.

Why someone can't end things maturely and walk away? Because, sleeping with someone elses husband is not a small little thing like .. hmm, dropping a pencil on the floor, ie: "oops, sorry. I messed up..I won't do it again." Once the line is crossed it's kinda too late to revert back to the "I did the right thing by ending it." No, you slept with someone elses husband. AS DID I. We did the WRONG THING. You don't get credit points for bowing out early. And, he isn't contacting you because he is choosing not to, not because you told him not to contact you. Trust me. Men .. women .. people do what they want to do. If he really missed you and wanted to be with you, he would be.

He clearly doesn't care all that much about losing you. Or, he would have reached out to at least see how you were? He got what he wanted. You were duped too. Trust me.

And, i was an xOW so I am saying this from your side, when I too was standing in your shoes. Why can't it end maturely? Had I acted like a mature adult, I would have made a decision to NEVER cross the line. PERIOD. I should have said NO NO NO despite the crap that was going on in my life at the time. Am I pissed off at him? You bet. Am I pissed off at me? You bet.

 

 

I wouldn't have called xMM 'emotionally limited'. He seemed quite emotional. Perhaps even more so than me.

Yep, mine too. Clearly, you need to re-read some of these threads. My ex MM was emotional too, told me the same **** yours told you .. etc. he told all of the other women the same crap as well, so I came to find out.

 

I won't be involved with a married man again either.

 

This is the smartest thing you have said so far.

Edited May 23, 2013 by latergater

[Lillyfree]

i don't doubt he misses what he had at the time of the A... who wouldn't? he was looked after at home, and had someone to provide support and ego boost when he needed it. best of both worlds, right?

i doubt he misses ME. what he was getting from the A was the most important to him...i didn't matter.

 

that's assuming he hasn't found someone else to provide it instead. and i'd bet my monthly wages that he has...

 

best position you can be in is where you don't care whether he does or doesn't miss you.

[bellasue]

It would be easier for me if xMM had another OW. Then I wouldn't wonder. There's no evidence to support that, but maybe I could "force" my mind into it.

 

So, if they are completely NC, does that mean they don't think about you at all?

[psm04]

So, if they are completely NC, does that mean they don't think about you at all?

 

My xOMM and I were completely NC for a month. I thought about him constantly, although it started getting better as the days went by. As for him, I received an email from him that pretty much suggested that he was going through hell. We were both trying to do what was best and right for everyone involved.

[Washingmachine1980]

One of the very last things my MM ever said to me was "I just want to do whatever it takes to get her out of my phone records". Wow, in that moment I realized I had just wasted two years of my life for nothing. I'd be willing to bet that as soon as his wife started trusting him again that he was onto the next OW. He's probably had at least two or three by now and is still married. Never realized he was probably a serial cheater until I started hanging out here. If he thinks about me he probably thinks I'm stupid and was an easy target.

[stevie_23]

As an ex-OW who has been able to speak with my ex-MM after the 4 months apart, I can tell you that in MY specific case with MY specific ex-MM, he did miss me. A lot. He didn't feel right not having me in his life. He mourned the loss of our connection and bond. He had to adjust greatly to not having me there to share everything with anymore. He tried to force himself to settle down and be stable in his home life. It never really worked. He never stopped loving me.

 

So...not all the exes are "living it up"...and even if they appear to be, they are likely NOT actually feeling that way underneath. Not 100% anyway.

[thefooloftheyear]

As an ex-OW who has been able to speak with my ex-MM after the 4 months apart, I can tell you that in MY specific case with MY specific ex-MM, he did miss me. A lot. He didn't feel right not having me in his life. He mourned the loss of our connection and bond. He had to adjust greatly to not having me there to share everything with anymore. He tried to force himself to settle down and be stable in his home life. It never really worked. He never stopped loving me.

 

So...not all the exes are "living it up"...and even if they appear to be, they are likely NOT actually feeling that way underneath. Not 100% anyway.

 

 

Well said...

 

To answer a previous poster..NC, especially in the dynamic of an A where its ususally ended abruptly without the typical "loss of feelings", is implemented not because the parties dont care. Quite the opposite. So, its fair to assume there is still that burning desire...NC wont kill that, not easily anyway...

 

TFY

[bellasue]

Not to t/j but can I say that everyone here has such thoughtful insights and I have appreciated not only the wisdom imparted, but the respectful manner in which it is given!

 

Considering a lot of us (myself included) have made some bad choices in our lives, we are a pretty great bunch of people!

 

Ok, back to the thread......

[latergater]

I'm not sure what it is about my situation that irks you so much. I also feel you haven't really read much of what I've written on here. but I will try to address what you have written to me:

 

Mine didn't either but he did say he wasn't having sex with her .. andhe wasn't attracted to her, and this seems to have been untrue. We too werefriends who ended up crossing a line and I tried to tell him that he shouldstop seeing me and focus on his wife. Stop traveling with me and take his wifeaway. He refused. The one thing I did ask for is for him to promise me he wouldnever abandon me. And, he did just that. Judging from why you ended the affair,to remain friends and salvage your relationship as friends, it doesn't appearthat ending the affair worked for that cause, now, did it?

 

xMM did not say to me that he was not sleeping with his wife, or that he wasn't attracted to her. I did not end the affair to try and salvage a friendship. xMM wanted a friendship, I explained that it was still an emotional affair, and therefore, we had gone past the point of being able to maintain a friendship. Coupled with the fact that I liked him and would be dating him if he was single, it was an untenable situation.

 

Why someone can't end things maturely and walk away? Because, sleepingwith someone elses husband is not a small little thing like .. hmm, dropping apencil on the floor, ie: "oops, sorry. I messed up..I won't do itagain." Once the line is crossed it's kinda too late to revert back to the"I did the right thing by ending it." No, you slept with someoneelses husband. AS DID I. We did the WRONG THING. You don't get credit pointsfor bowing out early. And, he isn't contacting you because he is choosing notto, not because you told him not to contact you. Trust me. Men .. women ..people do what they want to do. If he really missed you and wanted to be withyou, he would be.

 

 

Again, not sure what irks you about me. I don't justify my affair. It was wrong. I will carry that for the rest of the life. I don't seek credit for ending it. I'm just telling my story, as we were all invited to do.

 

He's not contacting me because the relationship has no future. Same here. Prior to that he was contacting me every day, before I put a stop to it

 

I've spoken about this on the breakup forum, but I'll mention it here. We have a tendancy to assume that when a relationship ends, that the person who contacts us incessently afterwards 'cares' about us. That's a Hollywood fantasy. If I had looser morals, I would have pursued xMM, despite the fact that he intended to remain married. Instead, I bowed out. I'd love to email him, but I won't, because it's wrong. He won't email me, because he knows it's wrong too. It's possible to be considerate of one another and pick the lesser of two evils in a situation.

 

And even if he is a serial cheat, if he does it again, if he's a consumate liar - it's still not my problem anymore.

 

Yep, mine too. Clearly, you need to re-read some of these threads. My exMM was emotional too, told me the same **** yours told you .. etc. he told allof the other women the same crap as well, so I came to find out.

 

I'm sorry your xMM was a tool. But not everyone's situation is the same, and I'm not going to apologise that mine ended respectfully.

 

I'm not asking you to apologize about your affair ending respectfully. But, I feel like you are fishing for credit of some sort or a round of applause because you chose to walk away. You walked away because he was not going to leave his wife for you. And, you walked away after the fact -- after you slept with someone else's husband.

 

Your ex is not contacting you anymore because he's not sleeping with you anymore. I'm sorry to call a spade a spade, but I guess I'm just a realist. I'm not bitter or judging you. I'm just telling you what I know .. with absolute certainly. The one thing I have walked away with, from this F_up situation, is knowledge. You can fool yourself into believing he cared and is respecting you and what you told him not to do or do. IF HE respected you from day 1, if you respected yourself, you would not crossed the line.

 

That's all she wrote.

[Finally Settled]

I am able to speak directly only for myself, and I can say without a doubt I missed my other woman while we were apart. I work in a support group with men who have been unfaithful to their spouses and partners, and I am conservative in guessing 90% who have seen the end of their affairs have deep feelings and feel intense conflict about the decisions they have made.

 

As far as the poster who asked why it should matter to an other woman if her married man truly loves her, why would it not matter? As humans we all want to feel we are valued and loved. When we invest ourselves emotionally and believe that someone has done the same, we want to believe it was real. A month after I left the marital home one of the many heartbreaking questions my exwife asked me was 'did I ever love her'. For years after my other woman ended the affair with me I questioned whether her feelings were real. My wife and I are both very strong individuals, but we both wanted reassurances that what we had invested in had been reciprocated. I do not find this an unusual thing for we humans to question.

[Athens]

Depends on how it ended and the behavior after- I believe at first my H missed her, but she got crazy and now he feels nothing but hate for her-

[Finally Settled]

I hope this does not give fantasy false hope for the posters who are NC with their exMM, and are still pining for hope and everlasting love with their APs. My notion stands at if someone is missing someone to the point you discussed, then that person it seems would be contacting the OP. These relationship dynamics are too much work, with no reward, end point hurt confusion and dysfunction.

 

Whether it fuels false hope or not, it is the truth. As is so often said on this site the actions are what matter and if a married partner chooses to stay at home that is the thing that matters. It does not negate the fact feelings are often very strong and lingering.

 

I respect that you have a notion of what 'should' occur if feelings are that strong, but the reality another individual may actually face could be very different. Although many posters make divorce appear to be such a simple procedure and something that can be done on a whim, that is simply not the reality of it. As with many things in life it is often the task of making the decision to make a huge change that is the most difficult. I spent five years apart from my other woman. It took two of those years to allow myself to think of divorce as a viable option, the next two I spent agonizing and making the actual decision to divorce, and the last year I spent obtaining the divorce and trying to patch the holes in myself and my family.

 

Men appear the weaker sex when it comes to divorce. I believe that is by and large because we are lazy in relationships when compared to women. If you show most of us the path of least resistance, we'll thank you and kindly let you know it's a familiar journey.

 

I mean no disrespect to you serenityandhearts, I merely want to confirm I am speaking only my truth. It is meant neither to give false hope to other women nor to upset any of the betrayed spouses.

[crosscuts]

This may not be what people want to hear, but I didn't. I'm sorry that I hurt her, but I was glad for both of us that it was over. It was a stupid mistake.

[tryingto]

Whether it fuels false hope or not, it is the truth. As is so often said on this site the actions are what matter and if a married partner chooses to stay at home that is the thing that matters. It does not negate the fact feelings are often very strong and lingering.

 

I respect that you have a notion of what 'should' occur if feelings are that strong, but the reality another individual may actually face could be very different. Although many posters make divorce appear to be such a simple procedure and something that can be done on a whim, that is simply not the reality of it. As with many things in life it is often the task of making the decision to make a huge change that is the most difficult. I spent five years apart from my other woman. It took two of those years to allow myself to think of divorce as a viable option, the next two I spent agonizing and making the actual decision to divorce, and the last year I spent obtaining the divorce and trying to patch the holes in myself and my family.

 

Men appear the weaker sex when it comes to divorce. I believe that is by and large because we are lazy in relationships when compared to women. If you show most of us the path of least resistance, we'll thank you and kindly let you know it's a familiar journey.

 

I mean no disrespect to you serenityandhearts, I merely want to confirm I am speaking only my truth. It is meant neither to give false hope to other women nor to upset any of the betrayed spouses.

 

Thank you for posting. Your perspective, as well as other MM or exMM's are nice to see on this board. I can only speak for myself and state that your posts do not give me a sense of false hope as related to my situation and my exMM.

 

I have often wondered about the difference you speak of regarding most men and most women in relationships and I think you summed it up very clearly and succinctly!

[Finally Settled]

Beautifully written and it seems you have logic and decisiveness on your part. I would believe it to be a waste for someone to waste too much time on do they's without a sliver of the truth or fact of the matter. Seems a waste to fall in love and put emotional energy into future hope with an NC ghost.

 

I fully agree with you in theory, but in my own experience I held onto the 'do theys' without a sliver of truth or fact. I had no idea her situation or feelings at the point I made my decisions and I remained in the dark for almost three more years. There was a point I realized what I was doing wasn't for her, it was for me. I held onto slivers of hope, but whether or not they came to be my decision had been made and I had confidence in it.

[Finally Settled]

This may not be what people want to hear, but I didn't. I'm sorry that I hurt her, but I was glad for both of us that it was over. It was a stupid mistake.

 

I think it's not a matter of what people want to hear. I know that there will be many passing through this thread that will not be happy to read my words, but others may benefit from them. I am sure there are as many that will benefit from your words as well.

[DelusionalOne]

This may not be what people want to hear, but I didn't. I'm sorry that I hurt her, but I was glad for both of us that it was over. It was a stupid mistake.

 

Then to you she was nothing but a lay. And as long as you weren't a lying dirtbag about it... No harm, no foul... Except to your wife.

Edited May 24, 2013 by DelusionalOne