Any other married women cheating?

[DaphneB]

I am in my 30's, married, with a child. I've been cheating on my husband for about a year now with a mutual friend of ours. We both know it's bad of course.

However, I can't seem to let him go. What's wrong with me?

 

I'm not ready to quit the fun, passionate affair, even though it is sooo unfulfilling in the end.

 

Is there any other woman out there in the middle of an affair? Have any help?

 

Perhaps this is the wrong venue to post... Not much sympathy. I know.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am in my 30's, married, with a child. I've been cheating on my husband for about a year now with a mutual friend of ours. We both know it's bad of course.

However, I can't seem to let him go. What's wrong with me?

 

I'm not ready to quit the fun, passionate affair, even though it is sooo unfulfilling in the end.

 

Is there any other woman out there in the middle of an affair? Have any help?

 

Perhaps this is the wrong venue to post... Not much sympathy. I know.

 

I notice this about wayward spouses. A lot of them say "I feel bad about doing this BUT it FEELS so good when I do it!"

 

There's just something about this that really makes me wonder.

 

I will be 31 in June. My daughter is turning four next week.

 

My father was (is?) an adulterer and my husband was as well. Having grown up with the "I feel bad (guilt) about it but I'm not going to quit because it's MY FUN and I am ENTITLED to it" mentality has impacted my development and later my life in a way that is very unfortunate.

 

In ways that can't fully be articulated. You see, I honestly think that infidelity is a symptom of that other selfish attitude, that one where you put your short-term needs far above your family's long-term needs. Even risking the destruction of your family for what you know can only be a temporary thrill. Proof that you placing your own short-term needs against the long-term development of your child and your husband's worth and time: you know that you are actively risking the destruction and security of your child's family unit.

 

You and your husband brought a child into this world that didn't ask to come here. And now you are playing Russian Roulette with that child's security. I can only tell you that my father did the same and that his attitude permeated the rest of his interactions with our family. My parents are still together. They have been together almost 40 years. But it didn't change what I grew up in.

 

There were the occasional "sorries" and "I feel bads" but to be blunt: Who phukking cares if you feel bad or you know it's bad. Of course it's bad! Duh. It wastes your husband's time, effort, energy and life. For what? So that you rob him of intimate moments and give them to your affair partner? That's supposed to feel bad! It's supposed to feel damn bad to rip apart your family from the inside with betrayal. Maybe it's time to stop dulling the "it's bad" pain with the affair and realize that, yes, it comes with a price.

 

And unfortunately, often the wayward spouse doesn't pay the price in full. Your "high" from the affair comes from somewhere. There is no free lunch. Your affair "passion and fulfillment" come at the cost of your family's happiness EVEN IF they aren't fully aware of the affair. You drain happiness away from them to give yourself a thrill. It's fun to see just how much you can get away with. Just how much harm can you do before they notice? How much can you justify and slip away with?

 

I wasn't aware of my father's adulterous nature until I was much older, but the puzzle pieces fell into place rather quickly once discovered. And yes, even though I couldn't say at the age of three or four KNOW that my Dad had these issues, or write a research paper on such things, I CAN say that he couldn't be in two places at once any better then anyone else.

 

Sure he looked after our basics. And I mean basics. Then he would spoil me with toys and things after pangs of guilt but I could FEEL and TELL even at that young age that he wasn't truly invested in me. Or my Mom. It was essentially: " how do I just fill these damn needs so I can get back to the fun I was having outside this family." It's no way to grow up.

 

Don't tell me that you "take your kid to the zoo and read them stories at night etc." Or that you volunteer at their school and finger-paint with them. Sure those are great bonding activities and sure you have great bonding moments. But children are especially sensitive to knowing that something is pulling your attention away. If you are "in love" or "at play" with your OM, he's pulling at the back, and often the front I am sure of your mind. He's there in the room with you and your kid.

 

He's there at night with your husband too. He lurks like a shadow in your thoughts day in and out. Because you never truly know when the hammer is going to fall. It's like an addiction. No different than alcoholism and a drunk is always wondering when the next round comes. Trying to center yourself to be a wife, mother and affair partner is, at best, a fool's errand. And no, just because of the permissiveness of the society we live in, and the commonality of it, this does not in any way negate the damage you are creating. Just as when it was acceptable to hit your wife, society at large approved, but that only meant a large part of society's children grew up witnessing domestic assault. And yes, I am sure it was just as traumatizing for kids in the 16th century as the current one. Regardless of what society lauds.

 

I find it ironic that you are seeking the help of another woman in an affair. Is that not like the blind leading the blind? Sure they can empathize about being blind. Perhaps they can read some braille together, but at the end of the day, no one can read the google maps directions to the local grocery store to get toilet paper. Essentially, you are both Sh*t out of luck.

 

I look at my daughter now, being on the other side of a childhood and early adulthood like my father provided and my husband started her on the path of (she was very young when his adultery occurred and I was aware of the impact it could have on her development to throw him to the curb pre-18 months would have). I see it so crystal clear that I will NEVER do anything to risk my daughter's foundation. Because I know all of the pain, feeling rejected, unimportant and unlovable that it leads to. Kids can't sort those things as easily as we can. They can't see that you just have emotional maturity issues. Your affair from the context of a child either becomes a rejection of the whole family OR "just what people do." In essence, they learn not to trust or that people are inherently impulsive and selfish. It could give them permission to be both selfish and unstable. Or to take advantage of their spouses. Because that is what you are role-modelling. Or elements of both. It twists their context of relationships and marriage. Of family and dedication.

 

I married someone who cheated and developed a whole host of issues despite the fact that I clearly thought I was getting into completely the opposite situation. That isn't an accident. Somewhere along the way in my early patterning, I absorbed that "a father and husband acts like xyz" and "a mother and wife responds xyz." Most people take decades to override that early programming.

 

What kind of future of you planning for your family?

And does it matter as much as this "passionate affair."

How much should it cost your husband and child for you to have the sex you want? And the validation you aren't giving yourself that you seek form outside?

 

Where do you think that line is drawn?

[BetrayedH]

You husband doesn't deserve to be spending the one life he has dedicated to you while you run around and play single while you're married.

 

Why not give him the choice and freedom to do the same? Does he deserve this? Is it fair to him? You owe it to him to either fix the marriage or leave it. If you're going to break your end of the bargain, release him from his end as well.

[Furious]

DOT

 

Your post was brilliant!!!

 

I wish I could give it one thousand likes.

Edited May 20, 2013 by Furious
Correction

[findingnemo]

I am in my 30's, married, with a child. I've been cheating on my husband for about a year now with a mutual friend of ours. We both know it's bad of course.

However, I can't seem to let him go. What's wrong with me?

 

I'm not ready to quit the fun, passionate affair, even though it is sooo unfulfilling in the end.

 

Is there any other woman out there in the middle of an affair? Have any help?

 

Perhaps this is the wrong venue to post... Not much sympathy. I know.

 

Help for what? To end the A? To understand what made you get into an A? To get the A back to that place where it is fulfilling again? Help in figuring out how to continue? I think you need to be more specific about what you are looking for.

 

And this is the right place to post. But explain some more and you will get advice.

[findingnemo]

Oops, double post!!!

[AlexDP]

I am in my 30's, married, with a child. I've been cheating on my husband for about a year now with a mutual friend of ours. We both know it's bad of course.

However, I can't seem to let him go. What's wrong with me?

 

I'm not ready to quit the fun, passionate affair, even though it is sooo unfulfilling in the end.

 

Is there any other woman out there in the middle of an affair? Have any help?

 

Perhaps this is the wrong venue to post... Not much sympathy. I know.

 

 

 

You seem pretty casual about all of this. Like, it's no biggie, right? And in the end what matters is that it's not fulfilling to YOU?

[dreamingoftigers]

You seem pretty casual about all of this. Like, it's no biggie, right?

 

Because to her it's a bit of "fun" and her home life ain't "cutting it anyway."

 

Plus they they know "it's bad."

[AlexDP]

Because to her it's a bit of "fun" and her home life ain't "cutting it anyway."

 

Plus they they know "it's bad."

 

I guess that, sadly, that is how she thinks. I know that there are men out there who think exactly like her and I know that there are plenty of women out there who do not (and currently I believe my girlfriend is one of those), but man, posts like these make me lose faith in women.

[dreamingoftigers]

I guess that, sadly, that is how she thinks. I know that there are men out there who think exactly like her and I know that there are plenty of women out there who do not (and currently I believe my girlfriend is one of those), but man, posts like these make me lose faith in women.

 

I never thought of women as so callous until I came to Loveshack.

 

I also didn't believe in a lot of the devotion of men until I came to Loveshack either. But I also didn't the spectrum was so skewed to some men who are completely virtually thoughtless and sociopathic towards their wives and children. Women too.

 

Interesting shift. Honestly, I don't think it has so, so much to do with gender, and that isn't a "Feminist/equality" thing either.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am in my 30's, married, with a child. I've been cheating on my husband for about a year now with a mutual friend of ours. We both know it's bad of course.

However, I can't seem to let him go. What's wrong with me?

 

I'm not ready to quit the fun, passionate affair, even though it is sooo unfulfilling in the end.

 

Is there any other woman out there in the middle of an affair? Have any help?

 

Perhaps this is the wrong venue to post... Not much sympathy. I know.

It would be cruel enough if this post is real. But this seems troll-like, simply designed to stir things up in this specific forum. The last line indicates at least a passing knowledge of how things work...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AlexDP]

I never thought of women as so callous until I came to Loveshack.

 

I also didn't believe in a lot of the devotion of men until I came to Loveshack either. But I also didn't the spectrum was so skewed to some men who are completely virtually thoughtless and sociopathic towards their wives and children. Women too.

 

Interesting shift. Honestly, I don't think it has so, so much to do with gender, and that isn't a "Feminist/equality" thing either.

 

You're right. It's not a gender, just a type of person. The type of person that, to be frank, we'd be better off without. In my profession I'm starting to see them all the time. It's sad, but I find myself thinking about them: "what exactly is it that you bring to this world?".

 

I mean, just look at the net result of OP's actions in terms of relationships.

[Furious]

I am in my 30's, married, with a child. I've been cheating on my husband for about a year now with a mutual friend of ours. We both know it's bad of course.

However, I can't seem to let him go. What's wrong with me?

 

I'm not ready to quit the fun, passionate affair, even though it is sooo unfulfilling in the end.

 

Is there any other woman out there in the middle of an affair? Have any help?

 

Perhaps this is the wrong venue to post... Not much sympathy. I know.

 

 

 

I'm concerned that you're cheating with a mutual friend of both you and your husband. It's beyond traumatic for a betrayed spouse to deal with betrayal but doubly traumatic if it's a friend involved.

 

This situation is powder keg and I hope you step back and see the risk you're taking.

[Bittersweetie]

I am in my 30's, married, with a child. I've been cheating on my husband for about a year now with a mutual friend of ours. We both know it's bad of course.

However, I can't seem to let him go. What's wrong with me?

 

I'm not ready to quit the fun, passionate affair, even though it is sooo unfulfilling in the end.

 

Is there any other woman out there in the middle of an affair? Have any help?

 

Perhaps this is the wrong venue to post... Not much sympathy. I know.

 

Daphne, I was a married woman who had an affair. I am no longer in it and would never make that choice again...it is way too selfish and destructive. I would recommend reading the pinned thread at the top, Things Every Wayward Spouse Needs to Know. It will give you a different perspective on your A...the perspective of the person who has had his life changed with no input...your H.

 

Good luck.

[Eggplant]

I am in my 30's, married, with a child.

Plenty of women would kill to be in this position -- don't take your husband's commitment for granted. (too late?)

[road]

Daphne you are a WW.

 

You are double cheating on your BH. By having an affair and cheating with an OM that is a friend of your BH.

 

Your affair is wrong.

 

You know that there is no justification for you having an affair.

 

This affair needs to end now. You are double disrespecting your BH by allowing the OM to bang you behind your BH's back while the OM pretends to be your BH's friend.

 

You know your affair is wrong and you know it is hard to break because an affair causes addictive brain chemistry. Every time you have contact with your OM you feed your addictiction.

 

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. In the book are the tools to end the affair and recover your marriage.

 

You first must confess this affair to your BH. Tell him you are sorry and need his help to end the affair. Then have your BH the OMW about the affair.

[cloudsnmyhead]

I am in my 30's, married, with a child. I've been cheating on my husband for about a year now with a mutual friend of ours. We both know it's bad of course.

However, I can't seem to let him go. What's wrong with me?

 

I'm not ready to quit the fun, passionate affair, even though it is sooo unfulfilling in the end.

 

Is there any other woman out there in the middle of an affair? Have any help?

 

Perhaps this is the wrong venue to post... Not much sympathy. I know.

 

I am with u... I am about 6 months into my A...and I really enjoy being with him. We r both M with kids. They will call us cake eaters..,and be ready to b pounced on... But I am there for u ...

[Jonah]

I am in my 30's, married, with a child. I've been cheating on my husband for about a year now with a mutual friend of ours. We both know it's bad of course.

However, I can't seem to let him go. What's wrong with me?

 

I'm not ready to quit the fun, passionate affair, even though it is sooo unfulfilling in the end.

 

 

Unfulfilled? The best bet is to pick a mate and get close to that person, then through the years develop a relationship and that brings fulfillment. The teaching is that sharing intimacy in an affair retards the ability to grow close to your mate... that an attachment cannot be made in betrayal.

 

When you H finds out about this it is going to tear him up and he will never be the same.

 

It's just an addiction to pleasure. Addiction being an insanity of repeating the same destructive behavior over and over even though you regret the results of it.

 

What is it that makes your affair so fun and passionate, yet unfulfilling?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Daphne, If you have been having an affair for a year then it seems obvious that you do not respect your husband and if that is so then you do not love him. That said why would you want to hang onto him when you can divorce and marry your affair partner? If you are hanging on to your husband because he provides you a lifestyle that you enjoy and gives you a home and comforts that you cannot do without then you must be the most selfish person going around! Remember when, not if, you are caught out your world will come tumbling down. All your tears at that point of time will do you no good. Read the thread posted by Bryanp37. His wife seems to be something like you. Read what happened to her world. May be some sense may get knocked into your head. If you do not consider the advice that people on this forum give you I guess it will be your own funeral and No one is going to be crying at that event. Best wishes.

[dreamingoftigers]

DOT

 

Your post was brilliant!!!

 

I wish I could give it one thousand likes.

 

Didn't you know that you can?!

 

You just need 999 more accounts, then hit "like" on the post.

 

I'll wait.

 

*grabs popcorn*

[worldgonewrong]

I am with u... I am about 6 months into my A...and I really enjoy being with him. We r both M with kids. They will call us cake eaters..,and be ready to b pounced on... But I am there for u ...

 

I hope you can one day look your kids & husband straight in the eye

and be honest with yourself & them, without lies/deceit fogging things up.

 

The 3 big questions in Life:

Who am I? Where am I going? Why am I here?

 

I think affairs require an intense masking of self-awareness, never mind the masking of awareness of other people's feelings (kids/husband/wife/etc.).

 

Not berating you; just being straight.

[Lisa M]

I think you want someone to say that it is ok well Iam not .But I can tell you that when you see the sorrow of your husband you will not think of it as fun .Imyself did what you are doing and I gave my self all kinds of reasons husband and I got married when we where teens he was out all the time with his freinds but there really is no resoning I was not doing my part to keep my marriage intact and now 20 years later I feel he had a ea and the pain from that changed me the pain was so great and I can just what my husband felt how would you like him to do that to you be trusting and make you think everything is ok then come to find out that he was get his fun from one of your friends .Get A Grip this **** just did not happen you made it happen and only you.Your kids will not understand and they will not look at you the same or your husband . It was a very long time for the love and trust to come back but the pain will allways be there it dose ease .Your AP dose not love you they all say I love you but I bet he will thow you under the bus he will feel alot of Shame when you get caught and belive me it will happen . think about it it will come to you 10 fold. It may not be now but the day is comming you are going to reap it big time if he or you are that why dont you leave your husband and he his wife and have fun all day and night together if your that unhappy in your marriage and that way your spouses can find someone to love and they love them belive me there someone wanting just for that two . THINK

Edited May 22, 2013 by Lisa M

[underwater2010]

Please go read the post made by Loredo21 in the OW section. If you can read them all and continue on....bless your heart.

[BeholdtheMan]

I'm not ready to quit the fun, passionate affair, even though it is sooo unfulfilling in the end

So basically you know it's wrong, you know that it's selfish and that you're doing your husband wrong by keeping him in the dark, but you don't have the moral courage to stop and come clean. Well, at least you're admitting it

 

I do hope your conscience will eventually kick in and you'll stop cuckolding your poor husband with this mutual friend. How would you feel if the situation were reversed? Maybe you should think about that more?

 

If you wouldn't want your husband to be having sex with a mutual friend behind your back, I suggest you muster the courage to tell him what's going on and either reconcile or divorce.

[Steen719]

Help for what? To end the A? To understand what made you get into an A? To get the A back to that place where it is fulfilling again? Help in figuring out how to continue? I think you need to be more specific about what you are looking for.

 

And this is the right place to post. But explain some more and you will get advice.

 

I just wanted to say hi to you, that I have wondered where you were and to tell you that I am glad you are back!