15 year old..No friends...

[jdubb1980]

I think I have spoken on her regarding my boyfriends 15 year old daughter and how she makes it impossible to have a life.

 

Please any advice would be great for him and I.

 

His 15 year old daughter has no friends. She is very possessive and relies on her parents (mostly dad) for all of her social needs.

 

She is also very possessive of her dad and her "things"

 

Justin talks to her constantly but things do not change

 

He is so fed up and doesn't know what to do. She does start therapy next week.

 

Here are some examples of things she does:

 

Text her dad every day and says "what are we doing tonight" its like after work, I could never ask him to go out of dinner or on walk. One time we went on walk and he lied and told her he was working late. he I guess felt bad to tell her he was on walk with me and my dog.

 

she says she hates dogs. But really she only hates my dog. She lies about walking him when he is there after I spend the night. she kicks him. Says she hates dogs but when her dad talks about getting a dog, she is excited. why? Because it will be HER dog. One time her cat was by me, she came grabbed cat and said "this is MY cat" I was just like ok...

 

If her dad does anything for me nice like a boyfriend should do, i.e. go out to dinner, he has to bring her out to dinner, if he buys me a gift, he has to buy her something. And she will come right out and say "you bought Jenny something" and her's always has to be twice as bigger and nicer. which I don't mind but why does she make him feel guilty.

 

Over the weekend he went golfing with his friends. you know that's his thing he does. Well she had to go with. and then said "that was really fun, I want to come with everytime and drive the cart"

 

She spent the night at her grandmas on Saturday night, she sent her dad a text at 11:30 and said "I miss you" like what 15 year old does that.???

 

The 15 year old lives with him, he also has two younger daughters that do not live with him. A is suppose to be home on the weekend the other girls are there and at her moms the opposite weekend which leave Justin with every other weekend to himself. For the last 6 months she has been doing the opposite and staying home on the weekends she is suppose to be with her mom. Why? So that she can get all the attetntion She hates the fact that her sisters get attention when they are there. It always has to be about her!!!

 

We were at the park a few weeks ago and she had a can of pringles that I bought her for her bday (along with other stuff) her sister asked for a chip. She said NO, she meant it. She said to her sister "you are just jealous because I got stuff for my bday" like really A, who cares it is just a chip!!!!

 

Her dad tries to talk to her and explain why he needs to have a girlfriend and a adult social life. she says she understand but, she never lets him. Not without guilt trip. She honestly believes that her dads social needs should be met with with.

 

I mean really she has NEVER not once hung out with a friend since we have been dating for 6 months. and every day sends her dad a text "what we doing tonight"

 

That puts a lot of pressure on him. and he does feel guilty and gives into her.

 

This girl she will not go anywhere by herself. one time we were eating at fast restaurant and she wanted noodles and company next door while we got sandwhiches. We gave her $20 to go grab noodles and this kid threw a fit like you wouldn't believe because she didn't want go to the noodle shop alone to grab her food quick and we were going to go home and eat.

 

Then for the last few weeks, she has just had this attitude from me. I mean really awful. So I finally told Justing that I would no longer be coming over when she is there and i will def not be spending the night when she is there. He talked to her about her attitude with me and she sent me a text saying "I am really sorry for the way I have been treating you, it is not fair and I don't know what is wrong with me, I do like you a lot".

 

she later told her dad that she was scared that I would turn out to be a mean steptmom. Ok well that is BS. I think the real issue is she is resentful towards me because I take her dads time. and she thought or thinks her dad cares about me more. Which is totally NOT true!!

 

Anyway, anyone else ever had a 15 year old daughter who has NO friends, no social life, depends on her parents and grandparents (and I think because she gets attention from adults) for social needs, she is very lazy and only watched TV, even for the summer she told me about all the TV and movies she has planned. This kid has a MD appt literally right across the street, she could walk but she asked her dad to leave work early to bring her, he said he couldn't leave work early and she could walk it is 500 feet away, she said ok "Ill call grandma". One time my dog was there, he was sick I asked her to take him outside go bathroom, she told me "he doesnt' want to go outside" really A did my dog talk to you?? He never talks to me!! I told her I was going to call the handicap disabled woman across street to bring him out and she said "ok". but then text me and asked me to bring her home ice cream.

 

ok, sorry I was also venting...

 

any thoughts??????

[will1988]

whoha this sounds like one crazy little girl! I am only 10 years older than her, and have no kids. However, my cousin who is 15 seems to be exactly like your BF's daughter. My aunt does everything for him, because he cannot get friends. He is a little weird and a little flamboyent. The boys think he is gay, and he does have some female friends, but he falls for them, they find out, they stop being his friends. He is an odd kid. I remember a few summers ago my aunt would send him up here to stay with my grandparents (live close to me) and my aunt would ask me to spend time with him and show him a good time, and try to make him more manly. He would do stuff like your BF's daughter, he would call my aunt and complain that I did not buy him a toy, or did not take him to the right type of restaurant or something. He ruined a large family trip because of his antics... thank god it was near the end of the fiscal year (mid september) and I was too swamped at work to go on leave! This was two years ago and everyone in my family still complains about his antics. He does this sort of stuff to my brother too. We now only hang out with him when he is at my grandma's house when my aunt is there, because we were tired of going out of our way to do nice things for him, more so my aunt, and then getting hell for it.

 

What I am saying is, although you are dating her father, maybe you can sit her down and tell her how things are going to be and tell her you are not going to put up with her schidt! You can't change his daughter, only she can change her self. Her father can't even change her. He can push her in the right direction, but she will only change when she feels like changing. So you either need to learn to expect this behavior, or you need to move on in the relationship with her/her father. My aunt has tried everything under the sun to get my cousin to have friends, it just does not work. All the advice and time I have put in to her little schemes to get him to have friends and change his behavior over years has amounted to nothing. So you may not be able to change his daughter. She will eventually grow up, but it might be several years, are you ready for that? however, there may be one way around all of this. What sort of stuff does she like? Do you know anyone who likes similar stuff but is socialble? If so, maybe try to get them to hangout. Also, you may want to tell her father / your bf to be more of a father and less of a friend. Try to convince him to draw lines with his daughter. This may end up working, or it may end up making you look like you are controling or trying to change him. Honestly, and I know this will hurt, the best thing to do is to leave the relationship and maybe remain friends with this guy and see what happens a few years done the road.

 

good luck!

[DanielStone]

Being 15 not too long ago myself I suppose I can relate ever so slightly to her...

 

My Dad left when I was 11, so it was just me, my mum and two little brothers... I was having a rough time at school, getting bullied, beaten up and things like that so I really confined within my mum. My mum pretty much became my only friend and I was with her every day and my social life was my mum. (I wasn't to the point of this girl though)

 

My mum never met anyone else when I was that young so I'm not sure how I would have responded BUT, if anyone became my mums bf and started spending time with her I can't help but imagine I would have felt horrible and tried my hardest to keep my mum because she literally was my life... Nothing else but bullies and my mum.

 

Having said that, I really don't think it would have been as bad as that. I would probably say she might be having a bad time at school to some degree which she doesn't want to talk about so you don't know about? It's possible!

 

However, I do think it also has something to do with that she's learned she gets what she wants... She complains, she gets a present or money or whatever... It's probably a mix of having a tough teen life and having only her dad there for so long and sending her dad through guilt trips because she's learnt she can get whatever she likes...

 

She probably doesn't have much against you at all really... Just a tough teenage life psychology issue thing?

[clia]

Your boyfriend needs to be the adult and stop letting her rule the roost. She's obviously been babied, spoiled, and is very attached to him. But he has allowed that to happen! He's letting her act like the boss. Why is he giving in to her every whim? Have you asked him? The issues here go well beyond her behavior and extend to why he is allowing her to behave that way. As the parent, he should ot be letting a 15 year old guilt trip him into anything.

 

I can't even get over the things he is allowing to happen -- why is he letting her go golfing with him and his friends? That is bizarre! Why can't he say to her that he is going out with you or has other plans when she texts him? Why doesn't he make her stay at her mom's according to the schedule?

 

I think everyone (including her mother and grandmother) involved with this kid needs to stop giving in to her every whim and request and make her start acting like an adult. In the meantime, he should sign her up for summer camp and ship her off to meet some friends.

[jdubb1980]

He does agree that he has let her get away with her actions and now he is just fed up.

 

this kid does not like anything and I mean anything. she doesn't like to be outside. she will always complain no matter where you are. the things she enjoys are things that cost a lot of money. but she won't do anything to deserve things. She is downright lazy and feels like people should just give her things. You could throw a million dollars in her hand and instead of a thank you, she would ask for more.

 

the absolute only thing I have seen this kid do is watch TV.

 

I believe that she doesn't like to hang out with peers because they don't let her get away with acting way she does. they don't give her the attention that she thinks she deserves.

 

she is downright lazy and not even a pleasure to hang around when she insists on coming with.

 

this kid honestly does not understand why her company is not sufficient and does not understand why he would need a girlfriend when he has her to do things with etc. it is just crazy.

 

And that is exactly what I said to him this morning that you need to quit acting like her friend and start acting like a father.

 

when she does do nasty things or throws her fit. I have seen him take away her cell phone and scold her but not even five minutes will go by and he will feel bad that he yelled at her and go in there and "talk" and give her phone back. I have never seen him follow through so yeah she does get away with a lot.

 

he does admit that his behavior needs to change and that he is going to start making her go to her moms on the scheduled weekends.

 

He and she know that I will no longer go over when she is there because it is just not fun for me.

 

I mean this kid sent her dad a text at 11 PM on Saturday night after golfing with him that said "I miss you" what 15 year old missed their dad on a Saturday night. ????

 

And him and I have talked about the fact that if he does anything for himself, me or his other children then A expects something as well (although she gets a lot) and he is going to put an end to that. I hope.

 

thanks for listening this has been such a struggle. and I know and I understand that he does feel guilty only because her mom also left her when she was young, she doesn't have any friends.

[DannyMason]

Has anyone asked her why she's acting the way she does?

[will1988]

Being 15 not too long ago myself I suppose I can relate ever so slightly to her...

 

My Dad left when I was 11, so it was just me, my mum and two little brothers... I was having a rough time at school, getting bullied, beaten up and things like that so I really confined within my mum. My mum pretty much became my only friend and I was with her every day and my social life was my mum. (I wasn't to the point of this girl though)

 

My mum never met anyone else when I was that young so I'm not sure how I would have responded BUT, if anyone became my mums bf and started spending time with her I can't help but imagine I would have felt horrible and tried my hardest to keep my mum because she literally was my life... Nothing else but bullies and my mum.

 

Having said that, I really don't think it would have been as bad as that. I would probably say she might be having a bad time at school to some degree which she doesn't want to talk about so you don't know about? It's possible!

 

However, I do think it also has something to do with that she's learned she gets what she wants... She complains, she gets a present or money or whatever... It's probably a mix of having a tough teen life and having only her dad there for so long and sending her dad through guilt trips because she's learnt she can get whatever she likes...

 

She probably doesn't have much against you at all really... Just a tough teenage life psychology issue thing?

 

 

Maybe you are on to something, some people act out in different ways. My mother ran off on the family when I was 12. My father was in a job that requried him to travel to all of the schidt hole unstable countries in the world and would be home one month and gone the next. My grandparents mostly picked up for the slack while my father was gone. I have always been a heavy guy, and was bullied for it in high school. However, I stood up for myself. I did have a few close friends though. My younger siblings were the same way. However, my father always made it a point that he was our father and not our friend and that we owed him respect.

 

OP's BF needs to stand up to his daughter, take his balls back from her coin purse, and start acting like a father and a man! If he can't change his behaviour to eventually be able to change his daughter's behaviour (or at least try), then I would sugest to OP it is not worth playing second fiddle.

 

Good luck!

[daisybuchanan55]

I'm 26, no kids, but have read a lot about adolescent girls and the issues they face. In addition, I was a 15-year-old who relied on her parents a lot. Various issues came up during high school where I lost friends and did see my parents as social outlets. They dropped literally everything to make sure I was okay.

 

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT PARENTS DO.

 

I can't imagine going through all that while my father had a girlfriend he had to deal with, too.

 

I am now happy, have tons of friends and a fulfilling career. I owe everything to my parents and can look back now and see the sacrifices they made. I talk to my parents now about what life was like for them back then and how I affected their relationship. They admit it was a struggle. But did they ever question dropping my needs in favor of theirs? No way! NO. WAY.

 

You are being VERY insensitive to her situation. Why not have a little compassion? Try to see where she is coming from? How about YOU try being 15 with no friends, divorced parents, and your dad's girlfriend who doesn't seem to understand that his children come before her?

 

A 15-year-old is not capable nor should she be expected to understand that adults need "alone time" to socialize and have romantic relationships. What the HELL?! This girl is a child and you're expecting her to have the maturity of an adult and understand YOUR needs. How about you try to understand HER needs?

 

You've mentioned several times that you don't understand why a 15-year-old would text her day "I miss you" on a Saturday night. Call me crazy but I think that's very sweet. He's lucky she isn't out on a Saturday experimenting with drugs or having emotionless sex with idiotic guys. What exactly is wrong with her missing him Saturday night or any other night? You seem to have forgotten that 15 is still a child. She loves her dad and misses him. That is normal.

 

Instead of whining and complaining to her father about her taking up all his time, why don't you try to form a special bond with her and do things alone without him? Maybe if you spend some time together you might find out what's going on at school that she has no friends and no interest in doing anything other than watching TV and tagging along with her dad.

 

This kid is clearly very lonely and shipping her off the the shrink may help, but what she really needs is love and affection from the adults in her life, including you. If you aren't up for that responsibility then find a boyfriend without children. Sorry, but kids aren't an inconvenience to your dating life; they are the center of your boyfriend's universe and you need to respect that.

 

If you can't handle this you need to get out of the relationship. She is his first priority, not you. And until you are an official part of this family, it's really not your place to tell him how to parent. If you don't like how he's dealing with her, remove yourself from the situation.

[delighted_delilah]

A father's commitment to his child comes before EVERYTHING and EVERYONE else. You are just his girlfriend. That girl is at a VERY difficult age right now and her father is dating someone who clearly resents the fact that someone else *gasp* comes first. You clearly should not be dating someone with kids; end it now before you cause irreparable damage to a relationship that has been in place for 15 years and is meant to last a lifetime.

[delighted_delilah]

maybe you can sit her down and tell her how things are going to be and tell her you are not going to put up with her schidt!

 

 

If my ex's girlfriend dared to pull a stunt like this I would be going to court and making it pretty much a case of 'choose your girlfriend or our child, because no way are you having my daughter around an emotionally abusive, selfish skank who thinks it is her place to dictate behaviour.'

 

Honestly, until GF becomes a live-in GF (common law wife), or fiancee, she really needs to mind her manners, stfu when it comes to discipline, and remember that most of the time, the GF is the one to be kicked to the curb. She is temporary; kids are not.

[MercuryMorrison1]

People can argue that 15 is still a child all they want, and they are half correct. It is my opinion that by age 15 a ''child'' should be in the early transitional stages to becoming an adult.

 

I mean, after all most 18 year olds are considered adults...17 year olds in some states. It's not that I am not sympathetic to what this girls issue might possibly be, but the thing that bothers me is that she is the way she is because she has continually been allowed to get away with this kind of BS.

 

I notice a trend amongst divorced or otherwise separated parents, and that's that they tend to feel sorry for their children thus letting their children run amuck because the parents feel as though they have already caused them enough pain.

 

To me, this asinine line of thinking allows kids to behave just like this 15 year old girl. Spoiled, helpless brats with a major chip on their shoulder and no understanding of how the world REALLY works. I'm now 25 but I can still remember 10 short years ago when I myself was a 15 year old, I had a grasp of how and why adults need what they need. It isn't fu**ing rocket science. It's common societal knowledge that should be learned at a age younger than 15 years old.

 

So in closing...I think the OP has a legitimate complaint here. Is it her place to tell the father how to raise his kids? Probably not...But its obvious that he needs some help...Or at the very least a push in the right direction, because his current methods are digging a shallow grave for his social life.

 

I personally would not tolerate this kind of behavior from any child. I have no children myself, but if I were dating a girl who had a child that acted this way and she refused to acknowledge or at least even try to correct her child's behavior I certainly wouldn't stick around for it.