robfos Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Reading through this forum is very encouraging and enlightening. This is rather long, I apologize. Feel free to skip ahead or read the whole thing if you are bored : ) Here is my story: I met my soon to be ex wife at the church I was going to about 3 years ago. We hit it off immediately. I never felt so comfortable with someone I had just met and she was attractive too! We spent hours talking on the phone (she lived about 2 hours away). A few weeks after we met she ended up going on trip for missions work for about 2 months. During that time the phone conversations started getting deeper and more intense and when she came back we started dating. What a roller coaster! I was in my 20's but I had not had a serious relationship in a long time. In fact, I had never had one that lasted more than a few months. This was all new territory for me. Since we lived about 2 hours apart we would spend our weekends together. We would split it between me driving there and her driving here. It was an interesting way to date. The crazy thing was it was so natural for us that I never felt uncomfortable with her. There wasn't a weird first few dates were we get to know each other, it was like we were old friends. We both still lived with our parents so we would stay there for the weekend. This of course did not prevent our relationship from getting intensely sexual pretty fast. I was pretty inexperienced but it seemed like she wasn't. She was still a virgin though. We started having sex about 3 months into the relationship. Again, it all seemed so natural for us, like it was what was meant for us all along. Things started to get strange pretty quickly though. I realized that she was not "normal". I hate saying it like that but it's the only way I can. She dealt with anxiety, depression, had and eating disorder, and had a family that was just plain crazy. The funny thing was, I always told her, I don't know how she came out of that family because she seemed so different from the rest of them (words I would eat). This being my first real relationship I was overwhelmed. I had never felt this close to someone and I fell deeply in love with her. At the same time, dealing with her emotional/mental issues and her family became increasing difficult. There were several times that I wanted to end it because even though I was in love and had such great times with her, the hard times were getting more frequent and taking a huge emotional toll on me. It got to the point that I was afraid to answer the phone whenever she called because I didn't know if she would be balling her eyes out. It was a mixture of feeling amazing and terribly afraid. Eventually, things started to get better. I learned how to better deal with her issues. We started communicating more clearly and I was learning how to "deal" with her family. About 2 years in we decided to get married. That whole story could be a book in itself so I'll skip to the end and saying the wedding day turned out to be fantastic. Except for her Mother being crazy as usual it was the best day of my life. I never thought I could be this happy. A week after we got married we went to Aruba. We had a great time and I was on cloud 9. I finally had started my life. I had a wife and she was beautiful and my best friend. Cloud 9 did not last long. I was working full time and had enough to cover bills but that was about it. We had agreed that she would get a job while finishing school so we could have money to go out and do stuff. Since she wasn't working yet I asked her to send out the thank you letters for the wedding. 1 week goes by, 2 weeks, 3,4, and were going into months now. I start asking her what she is doing with her time and she starts saying she has been having a hard time getting out of bed. About 2 months in I get to a breaking point and we get into a huge argument. I felt like I was lied to, like she had been hiding how bad her issues were until we were married. I didn't know what to do or how to handle this. She promised to try harder and eventually she got the letters out. (about a month later) Then she finally found a job nannying a 4 year old. This was a blessing and a curse. We finally had some extra income but working for her was becoming a nightmare. She cried most days and could hardly handle the job. About 2 months in the mother of the kid she was watching lost her job so my wife did as well. This is probably where things got worse. She never did find another job. She became increasingly distant, depressed and anxious about everything. She started losing weight and was obsessing over food. I tried to be there for her, to understand and help her but I never quite was able to do that for her. Every time I tried, it usually ended up with us arguing because I was saying or doing the wrong things. I didn't really see it then, but we became more like roommates then a couple. A few months ago she met another guy who she started spending time with. I joked about how he wasn't attractive so I wasn't worried that she would be cheating on me with him. She related to him well because he suffered from similar mental issues. I was almost relieved she found someone that could really understand her issues and be a good friend to her. I eventually found text messages on her phone that were not normal. I confronted her on it and she denied that anything was going on, that it was just emotional. Even so, this hurt so bad I did not know what to do. I cried for hours while she watched me. I had my doubts as to how honest she was being with me. My mother passed away when I was 12 and she knew the story well. I asked her to promise on my mom that she hadn't done anything with him. She promised. I told her she wasn't allowed to talk to him anymore and she agreed. A couple weeks later, I found out she had lied and was still talking to him. I then found proof online of pictures of her and him together and after hours of arguing she admitted that they had slept together. I collapsed on the floor and cried. I didn't know what to do. I felt my world crashing around me. This was one week before our 1st year anniversary. Her dad came and picked her up that night. Since then my world has been a blur of pain, doubt, disbelief, anger, frustration, guilt, regret...just about every negative emotion there is. I talked to this woman every day for 3 years. She was my world and now we hardly even talk. Most of our conversations since then have turned into arguments of her blaming me for stuff and justifying her actions. I feel like she is a stranger to me. I was in love with her until that day and my heart is still so tied to hers that I feel like I just lost a piece of myself. The hardest part is that she doesn't even seem to care. How could I be so blindly in love with someone like that? I can't help but feel like a fool. Like I just wasted the last 3 years of my life. Every day is a struggle. Every stupid thing I do ends up reminding me of her, and then of the pain of rejection. I can't cook or watch TV or drive or do anything without being reminded of something we did together...and then of the everything that happened. I've been spending as much time as I can with friends and family and at my church to keep busy, but no one can keep me company in my mind. She was the one that did that for me. She occupied my thoughts and now those thoughts just bring me down into the darkness of my grief. I'm trying to move on, and it is getting better. The waves of anxiety and depression are less intense then they first were but still uncontrollable and come whenever they prefer. The loneliest place is in the shower where I end up crying a lot of the time. I know it won't be easy but I am trying to move on. I am trying to stay happy and hopeful about the future. I'm sorry this was so long but just typing this out has been helpful. I knew we didn't have a perfect relationship (like that exists) and I knew we had a lot to work on, I just never expected to be cheated on like that. I feel like she just gave up on me and that hurts so incredibly bad. We filed for a no fault divorce about a month ago and have to wait 2 more months to sign the papers. Can't wait for that day to come...
Downtown Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Rob, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I'm so sorry to hear you marriage -- like mine -- started falling apart immediately after the wedding ceremony.What a roller coaster! ...I was afraid to answer the phone whenever she called because I didn't know if she would be balling her eyes out. It was a mixture of feeling amazing and terribly afraid.Rob, your STBXW sounds very similar to my exW. Because drug abuse and a hormone change (e.g., pregnancy) do not seem to be an issue, the two remaining common causes of emotional instability are bipolar disorder and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Of course, only a professional can determine whether she meets 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having one (or both) of those disorders. You nonetheless are capable of spotting the red flags for both of those disorders if you learn what warning signs to look for. If you are interested, I identify 12 strong differences between those two disorders based on my 15 years of living with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). They are described in my post at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/364466-soon-2bx#post4483422. If that description rings several bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Rob.
Author robfos Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 (edited) BDP sounds quite spot on. She definitely had some traumatic events in her childhood that affected her pretty badly. She actually started seeing a psychiatrist before we split up but as far as I know she is still be evaluated for her specific issues. Edited May 19, 2013 by robfos
Mr. Lucky Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Every day is a struggle. Every stupid thing I do ends up reminding me of her, and then of the pain of rejection. I can't cook or watch TV or drive or do anything without being reminded of something we did together...and then of the everything that happened. I've been spending as much time as I can with friends and family and at my church to keep busy, but no one can keep me company in my mind. She was the one that did that for me. She occupied my thoughts and now those thoughts just bring me down into the darkness of my grief. I'm trying to move on, and it is getting better. The waves of anxiety and depression are less intense then they first were but still uncontrollable and come whenever they prefer. The loneliest place is in the shower where I end up crying a lot of the time. I know it won't be easy but I am trying to move on. I am trying to stay happy and hopeful about the future. I'm sorry this was so long but just typing this out has been helpful. I knew we didn't have a perfect relationship (like that exists) and I knew we had a lot to work on, I just never expected to be cheated on like that. I feel like she just gave up on me and that hurts so incredibly bad. We filed for a no fault divorce about a month ago and have to wait 2 more months to sign the papers. Can't wait for that day to come... I wonder if you're not more mourning the loss of a romantic ideal - what you hoped your marriage would be - rather than the end of a relationship that seems problematic, argumentative and drama filled. And while I don't minimize the grief you feel, it must on some level be easier now than the daily train wreck you describe. First-year marriages are tough enough without mental illness and infidelity in the mix. Hard for you to see this now, but there are decided positives to this. Keep moving forward and keep posting. There's lots of help here... Mr. Lucky
Author robfos Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 I wonder if you're not more mourning the loss of a romantic ideal - what you hoped your marriage would be - rather than the end of a relationship that seems problematic, argumentative and drama filled. And while I don't minimize the grief you feel, it must on some level be easier now than the daily train wreck you describe. First-year marriages are tough enough without mental illness and infidelity in the mix. I won't deny that at all. I spent the first two weeks remembering everything great about our relationship and just wanting that back. As time passed I began to realize that even if I did get her back, I would again be in a struggling relationship. As some of my friends have mentioned, sometimes it helps to focus on the difficult parts of the relationship that made it so frustrating. (that is harder than it sounds though) There were many times when we were dating, and even after we got married that I regretted not breaking up with her. I just didn't expect it to end the way it did. It was so shocking to find out that she had been lying to my face for months, and it makes it worse that she feels so justified in her actions. I know there are many painful memories in our past, but we also had a lot of amazing ones. It's hard to let those go. As I mentioned, she was my only serious long term relationship so there were a lot of firsts that I had with her. And when she wasn't depressed or anxious we did have a lot of fun together. I know that in the long run I will be better off. I remember browsing some forums on partners with mental illness a few weeks before all this happened and I read a reply from a guy who was in relationship with a similar woman for many years. His advice? "Get out while you can!" I remember reading that and thinking it's too late for me. I made a commitment so I have to stick with it. The crazy thing is, I don't think this relationship could have ended any other way than the way it did. It makes sense in my head, I just wish it didn't hurt so damn much. Even though I feel relief in not having to deal with the craziness of our relationship, I still feel lonely and rejected. She was my partner and we had decided to spend the rest of our lives together, and now that is all gone and it wasn't my choice. Do you see what my brain is doing to me? I keep going in endless circles of relief and grief...Oh man I can't help but laugh. She really did a number on me. It's going to take time and healing, but I am looking forward to the day where I wake up and don't feel like ****. The day that I don't go through 100 emotions every hour. Part of me wants to find someone tomorrow that will love and appreciate me for who I am, but part of me knows I need time to work on myself so that when I am ready for a relationship, I'm not getting into one just to fill the emptiness I am feeling now.
Author robfos Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 Update: I've realized what an incredible need my ex has for negative attention. I was reading her blog the other day and one night she posted that she was going to kill herself and asked her followers to persuade her not to. Many posts ensued with people telling her not to do it and even the OM was posting saying he wasn't strong enough to live with out her. Apparently he has thought about suicide a lot too. Guess what happened? She didn't do it! What a shock. I can't believe I didn't see it before how much she does that kind of stuff. She used to complain about her Mom always victimizing herself. Well, I guess like Mother like daughter. I'm so glad to be out of that vicious cycle with her. It has still been hard and I've broken down a few times and cried, sometimes in the middle of no where. I was in a store the other day and it all just hit me and I had to walk out. But overall, the craziness is on the decline. I'm trying to focus on the positive things in my life. My job, friends, family, church, the prospect of finding some one who will love me as much as I love them! I've actually had a few civil conversations with her in the past week or two. Of course, no matter what she always has to insert some comment to remind me of something I did wrong. At this point though, it doesn't affect me as much. I feel like I'm finally starting to break free mentally of the hold she had on me. I've given up on trying to make he understand how much she hurt me. She seems to only care about herself and what I did wrong. I'm sure it's part of her coping mechanism. Anyway, I'm so glad I found this forum. It's been great to read everyone's stories and comments and know that I'm not alone and that there is hope for a better day!
GuyInLimbo Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 (edited) Rob, get yourself to a therapist. To me, it sounds like you have some unaddressed emotional issues you need to deal with. I'm rather cold-hearted, so I don't quite understand this excessive grieving you've been doing (falling on the ground, crying for hours, breaking down randomly, etc.) That doesn't sound normal or healthy for an adult. This girl was incredibly unhealthy for you and you will breathe easier having rid of her early in your life. People who are mentally ill like that (esp if she's borderline) never really get better, IMO. The stress one of them can give you can kill you. Threatening suicide is a common tactic among BPD's. I dealt with that a lot a long time ago. And STOP reading her blog. Stop following anything she does online. Period. There's no purpose to it and it's only going to torture you one way or another. In fact, I would go completely NC with her starting immediately. There's no reason to talk to her other than getting those damn papers signed. Edited May 23, 2013 by GuyInLimbo 1
Author robfos Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 Rob, get yourself to a therapist. To me, it sounds like you have some unaddressed emotional issues you need to deal with. I'm rather cold-hearted, so I don't quite understand this excessive grieving you've been doing (falling on the ground, crying for hours, breaking down randomly, etc.) That doesn't sound normal or healthy for an adult. Those first two were when I first found out she was cheating on me. I think they are perfectly normal reactions to my world crashing down in front of me. As far as breaking down randomly, it's not all the time. I'm going through a complete change in my life and it's hard. Sometimes it just gets too much for me. I have contacted a therapist and will be seeing one soon though. This girl was incredibly unhealthy for you and you will breathe easier having rid of her early in your life. People who are mentally ill like that (esp if she's borderline) never really get better, IMO. The stress one of them can give you can kill you. I couldn't agree with you more. I am lucky I got out when i did! And STOP reading her blog. Stop following anything she does online. Period. There's no purpose to it and it's only going to torture you one way or another. In fact, I would go completely NC with her starting immediately. There's no reason to talk to her other than getting those damn papers signed. I know, I know. I did stop last week. I erased all history of her blog on my computer and it was a long url so I won't be able to find it again. I was using it as a crutch to see how her life was going but all it was doing was making things worse. I'm done with that. 1
Downtown Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I've realized what an incredible need my ex has for negative attention.... She seems to only care about herself and what I did wrong.Rob, I agree with GuyInLimbo that this need to frequently validate one's status of being "The Victim" is one of the hallmarks of BPDers. If your W has strong BPD traits, she is convinced she always is "The Victim." Because a BPDer has a weak, fragile sense of who she is, the strongest thread of a self image usually is that false notion of being a victim. A BPDer therefore maintains a death grip on that false self image and will tolerate living with you only if you continue to validate it by playing one of two roles. The first role is being "The Savior," a role you played during the infatuation period lasting about 3 to 6 months. During that period, she thought you were perfect and that -- unlike all previous BFs -- you would save her from her unhappiness. The implication of your being "The Savior," of course, is that she must be a victim in need of saving. Sadly, that illusion quickly evaporates when her infatuation fades. Since the honeymoon ended, there is only one role left for you to play: being "The Perpetrator." As long as you keep allowing her to blame you for every misfortune that befalls her, she will keep you around because you are validating her false self image of being "The Victim." Once you leave her, she will be telling people how awful you were -- just the way she talks about the BFs she had before you. She is the victim. They are all considered to be perpetrators. If you would like to read more about this behavior, I describe it in more detail -- along with other BPD traits -- in Rebel's thread. My posts there start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735.
Author robfos Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 I was definitely her "savior" when we started dating. And you are right, now I am her perpetrator. The sad thing is she is treating the OM as her new savior. I wonder how long that will last. I feel bad for her. I really do. At this point though I don't think anything I do or say to her will make a difference. I've given up. I'm moving on. I read the thread the but the link to 10 ten reasons no longer works :/ I was holding on to the good times in spite of the constant craziness that was going on in our relationship. I was raised in a Christian home and I have a deep sense of empathy. I wanted to stay and make it work no matter the cost. What's strange is eventually I had a hard time feeling any empathy towards her. Even in her darkest moments I found myself almost not caring. It was probably due to the constant fear she put in me about telling me about how much she hated herself or how she was never happy. There is only so much a person can take. This is probably why she has never had any long term friends. She finds people but eventually she wears on them to the point that they can no longer be around her. I guess I thought it would be different with us. I thought since she we took our vows together, that would mean something. I was so wrong. The only thing I am lucky in, is that we weren't married for that long. We don't have any kids or a house or anything to split up. Our divorce will be finalized by us signing two papers on July 17th and then we will be done. If I can thank God for anything it's that this will be a pretty clean split. How did I let myself be so fooled? It's easy...I was in love and she fulfilled my needs just enough to keep me around. I won't lie. I was desperate for love. I spent most of my life single and having someone that showed me love was what I always wanted. I can take and learn a lot from this time in my life. I just need to make sure I don't let myself get too jaded. I'm really trying not to and I have an awesome support system in my church, family and friends that have been there so much for me in the past few months. I am still struggling with a lot of this. The feelings of rejection and betrayal are hard to shake off, but it is getting better. I know I am moving in the right direction though and eventually I will be able to live a happy normal life. I am afraid she will ever have that. At this point, that is no longer my problem.
Downtown Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 I read the thread the but the link to 10 ten reasons no longer works :/Rob, are you referring to a dead link in Rebel's thread? I looked but could not find it. Which post # is it in?
Author robfos Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 This one: http://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/10_beliefs.pdf
Downtown Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 Rob, that is one of my favorite articles. It is now located in BPDfamily's resources section. It starts at Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder.
GuyInLimbo Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 I was definitely her "savior" when we started dating. And you are right, now I am her perpetrator. The sad thing is she is treating the OM as her new savior. I wonder how long that will last. I feel bad for her. I really do. At this point though I don't think anything I do or say to her will make a difference. I've given up. I'm moving on. That's the classic pattern. BPDs latch on to people like leeches. They always need a host. I think most BPD is traced back to some sort of abandonment issues, so makes sense with the way the so desperately latch on to people (to the unsuspecting suckers like us, it's a lot of fun in the beginning....). When I broke up with mine (it's been over 10 years, but I still think I have mild PTSD from it), she stalked me, literally, for 3 months across country. I had to leave my phone off the hook 24x7. Thankfully, I never told her I had a cell phone. Anyway, You will absolutely have to go NC as best you can from now on. She may even reach out to you down the road, apologizing for things. Just ignore her and pretend she's dead. She'll eventually disappear. Hopefully.
Author robfos Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 Rob, that is one of my favorite articles. It is now located in BPDfamily's resources section. It starts at Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder. Wow, I felt like I just read my biography of the last three years...incredible.
Author robfos Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 That's the classic pattern. BPDs latch on to people like leeches. They always need a host. I think most BPD is traced back to some sort of abandonment issues, so makes sense with the way the so desperately latch on to people (to the unsuspecting suckers like us, it's a lot of fun in the beginning....). When I broke up with mine (it's been over 10 years, but I still think I have mild PTSD from it), she stalked me, literally, for 3 months across country. I had to leave my phone off the hook 24x7. Thankfully, I never told her I had a cell phone. Anyway, You will absolutely have to go NC as best you can from now on. She may even reach out to you down the road, apologizing for things. Just ignore her and pretend she's dead. She'll eventually disappear. Hopefully. From what she has told me I think she definitely felt abandoned as a child. Her father worked constantly and was rarely home and her mother was bipolar and often verbally and maybe even physically abusive. If I had only known how this would have affected our relationship in the long run... I guess I'm lucky as she has latched on to someone else so she's not stalking me. In any case, I am going to go with the NC route from here out.
Author robfos Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 Rob, that is one of my favorite articles. It is now located in BPDfamily's resources section. It starts at Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder. I think I've read this through 5 times now...I am truly amazed. This fits 100%. I've shared this with my family to help them better understand what I'm going through. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Downtown Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 I think I've read this through 5 times now...I am truly amazed. This fits 100%. I've shared this with my family to help them better understand what I'm going through. Thank you so much for sharing this.Rob, I'm glad to hear you found the information helpful. The other 14 articles at that website are good too. If you want a good book to read, I usually recommend Stop Walking on Eggshells, the best-selling BPD book targeted to the abused spouses. Yet, because you have filed for divorce, I recommend another book that was released last year by the same author. It's called Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist.
Author robfos Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 Thanks, I will definitely check those out.
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