Considering breaking NC, clearing my name

[mfleck91]

So it's been almost 3 months since my ex unexpectedly left me for another guy. It seems very likely that she has the GIGS since it is very out of character for her. I initially tried contacting her for answers and closure but she never responded. I then became angry an sent some very nasty and regrettable messages to her which also received no response. She has lost her best friend over this as he took my side and has also lost a job opportunity (not my doing) because of it.

 

I know that she has come to resent me for this and blames me for her misfortune even though it is al her doing. My question is about maintaining NC. For a long time I asked her to block me on Facebook so I couldn't see her pop up at all but she refused to do so, I don't understand why as we aren't on good terms. I was also able to see her iCloud account and I asked her to change her password for it, something I thought to be considerate. She responded in anger and didn't even change her password. I told her not to speak to me again and I noticed she has now blocked me on Facebook. I know the obvious response is no tontine NC but I have my lingering doubts.

 

She has turned me into a villain an I want my name cleared and I feel like I could talk some sense into her. She doesn't have a solid track record of replying to my attempts at contact, probably only 10% of me messages have gotten a reply. But even so if she just reads my messages maybe she can realize what she has done and that she is the one who is wrong. I want her to realize that I am a great guy, she obviously knew I was good considering we were together 4 years and always talked about marriage.

 

I'm looking for advice. Should I break NC to try to talk some sense into her and clear my name? Should I want a few months and then attempt it? Or should I just drop it completely and try to forget about her?

[aisuru]

I think you're gonna have to let this one go and not care what she, or others, think.

 

You're not going to change her mind, and your attempts to do so will just make you that much worse in her mind.

 

Let it go.

[Minneloa]

She has turned me into a villain an I want my name cleared and I feel like I could talk some sense into her. She doesn't have a solid track record of replying to my attempts at contact, probably only 10% of me messages have gotten a reply. But even so if she just reads my messages maybe she can realize what she has done and that she is the one who is wrong. I want her to realize that I am a great guy, she obviously knew I was good considering we were together 4 years and always talked about marriage.

 

I'm looking for advice. Should I break NC to try to talk some sense into her and clear my name? Should I want a few months and then attempt it? Or should I just drop it completely and try to forget about her?

 

I agree with Aisuru.

 

With all due respect, breaking NC to "talk some sense" into your ex is a futile project that will likely lead to further emotional distress when she fails to respond in the way that you want. You simply cannot control how another person thinks or feels about you. I know it must be frustrating, but your best option is to walk away and focus on your own life.

 

I would suggest writing the email to get it out of your system, maybe posting it here on the consolidated thread, but not sending it.

 

M.

[steelpantherrocks]

i had the similar senario happen, 4.5 yrs, left me for a fling, it hurts man. does it ever hurt. especially when i didnt see it comming. and with a friend too. oh well, anyway to your story.

 

im 8 months now since we split. i did exactly what you did, i sent her some nasty messages, like nasty. i did all the wrong things to be honest. i had a major slip up like 3 days ago. i contacted her after n/c for nearly a month only cause i heard she was seeing someone. my reasoning was because when we met up in feb she told me she didnt want a relationship etc etc.

 

why i am telling you this is because, the other day i even considered leaving my current relationship to be with her if she thought it could work. i got all the excuses and alot of finger pointing that i was this horriable person throughout our realationship. i wasnt , i lied a few times and lost my cool with her at times but by no means was this horriable person she makes me out to be with her friends etc. she has convinced herself the grass is greener so to speak. after that chat i realized what am i doing, like i am stooping to her level, not only has she moved on or is trying too im actually begging this womn and trying to convince her to be with me. like why would i need anyone to convince anyone to be with me. i want somone to want to be with me. block her on facebook man, honestly dont let her consume your thoughts, someone once told me that whatever you are thinking of doing to try and get her back do the opposite. do not be her friend and do not contact her or you will drag this on for weeks and or months. trust me it happened to me. i regret even talking to her again the other day, i feel better now but i went thru 2 dats of really doubting myself and shes almost convinced me i am a bad person which in fact im not.

 

it will get better honest, its the worst when theres someone else involved as well, i almost went to jail because i pounded this guy so badly, i was angry. i still am but i know a person who can turn there back after 4 yrs isnt a respectful person, and truley ask yourself if it happened once can it happen again. my response is why take the risk man, i love my ex to death, but ive learned to live without her. she can have her parties and drink her booze but at the end of the day shes the one who has to look in the mirror everyday and see the useless bitch that looks back at her. dont get played man, she knows she has you by the balls right now and will drag this out as long as you let it. once this douche is out of the picture then the ball is in your court if she comes back.

 

but you need to let her go man, im speaking from experience and my experience sucked really bad..

 

your senario is almost bang on of mine, dont be a fool...trust me

[mfleck91]

Thanks guys, I kinda figured that would be the response I get. Right now I'm just having a hard time dealing with the loneliness. I made the mistake of being too dependent on her and didn't make friends of my own. My phone never goes off anymore unless its my parents.

 

I've made an effort to make friends and have a couple that I see occasionally, but I don't have anyone I can call anytime and hang out with. I feel very inadequate when it comes to making friends and talking to other women now, my ex messed me up pretty good

[aisuru]

Time for you to get out and meet new people. Time for you to be okay with doing things by yourself.

 

What do you like to do? Movies? Museums? Public library, maybe you could check out some books/movies? Take walks. Gym? Meetup.com? Are there farmer markets around you?

 

Go sit at a dive bar by yourself and nurse a drink or two. Just being around people will help, even if you're not interacting with them.

[mfleck91]

How do you deal with knowing your ex is with another person. We were each others first sexual partner and now she is doing those things with another guy. How do you cope with that? It's physically nauseating

[BustedUpInside]

There really isn't a way to "deal" with someone moving on. The problem is that you can't control her behavior. She is allowed to act, say, date, and have sex with who she pleases regardless if it hurts you. Oh boy, does it hurt though. I really do sympathize/empathize with how much it kills thinking about what kind of things your ex might be up to.

 

Repeat these things to yourself as often as possible:

1. It doesn't matter what she thinks about me. It doesn't matter if it is true or false, fair or unfair. It doesn't matter because I am NEVER going to see or speak to her again.

2. It doesn't matter who she dates or sleeps with. It doesn't matter because we are NEVER going to see or speak to each other again.

3. What does matter is I feel. Am I happy? Then I should keep doing what I am doing! Am I sad? Then I should change the things that are making me unhappy.

4. Things that may make me think I am unhappy in the short term are actually the best things I can do for myself in the long run.

 

My advice is to stay NC. Whenever you have bad or obsessive thoughts about your ex just stay calm and try to repeat the statements above. It will help, I promise!

[mfleck91]

So it seems like many dumpees on here are eventually contacted by their ex who have some sense of guilt or just want to talk. My ex has avoided me like the plague, and not that it should matter, but it makes me a bit concerned, like she genuinely wants me completely out of her life after over 4 years. I guess I'm saying I don't feel in control. Does NC give you a sense of control? I just have a hard time believing it.

[Minneloa]

So it seems like many dumpees on here are eventually contacted by their ex who have some sense of guilt or just want to talk. My ex has avoided me like the plague, and not that it should matter, but it makes me a bit concerned, like she genuinely wants me completely out of her life after over 4 years. I guess I'm saying I don't feel in control. Does NC give you a sense of control? I just have a hard time believing it.

 

I think you might need to shift your idea of control here, mfleck. The only person you can control is you. Period. Full stop.

 

Therefore, NC is precisely designed to give you back control, of yourself and your life. By definition, it requires you to let go of the ex and focus on yourself. In that way, healing can begin.

 

Here is a recent success story, from a poster who experienced a devastating breakup:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/391628-tomorrow-makes-40-a

[mfleck91]

I caved. I didn't contact her but I did log in to her iCloud and I could see where she was. As usual she goes drinking an then ends up at this other guys place for the night. I'm 90% sure sh is sleeping with him. We were together for 4 years and she didn't have intercourse with me, we did everything else but never went all the way. She always said she wanted to wait. How is this supposed to make me feel? She is doin more with him in a couple months than she did with me in 4 years?!

[TaraMaiden]

*Harsh Post coming up:*

 

There comes a time when you quit being broken up about somehting, and you start being stupid.

 

It's happening to you.

You are letting yourself obsess and be dominated by thought patterns - of your own making - which lead purely and simply to self-sabotage.

 

Get this:

 

SHE is in no way responsible for the way you now continue to feel.

 

YOU - are the one doing the thinking.

YOU are the one forming the thoughts, scenarios and possible events, in your own head.

 

You are checking up on her, because your addiction to her is stronger than your will-power.

 

This relationship, is over.

Finished.

Done with.

She has moved on.

What she wanted before, is not what she wants now.

 

She wanted you, and also wanted to wait for sex.

She now doesn't want you, and it seems, also wants sex.

 

Different guy, different life, different choices.

 

You need to quit hankering over a past you can't change and a present you can't have, and instead look forward to creating a future you'll appreciate.

 

The more you torture yourself, the worse it will get.

 

Quit snowballing, (post #8) quit beating yourself up, and quit chasing the unattainable.

 

You do yourself no favours.

[mfleck91]

I completely understand what you are saying, especially your "snowball" post. Much of my pain is self inflicted at this point and often is the result of a lack of willpower; however on the topic of sex it is more correlated to the feeling of rejection and replacement. For the most part that is something SHE inflicted and not something that I place upon myself. I'm concerned with what makes this guy better than me, is that considered self inflicted?

[TaraMaiden]

. ....however on the topic of sex it is more correlated to the feeling of rejection and replacement. For the most part that is something SHE inflicted and not something that I place upon myself. I'm concerned with what makes this guy better than me, is that considered self inflicted?

 

Yes, of course it's self-inflicted.

 

What are you going to do, go round to her house, poke her in the chest now, and say, "Ok, that's enough, no more!".....?

 

Well, you might want to, but that's out of the question.....

There's nothing you can do about this.

IF she's having sex with him, then that's what's happening, and frankly, there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

 

And who says he's 'better' than you?

I'll tell you what he is: He's different.

No better, no worse.

Just 'somebody else' with whom she's communicating differently.

 

Just because she didn't have sex with you, doesn't make you worse.

It just means it didn't happen.

[mfleck91]

I suppose so. Its difficult to look at a situation logically when you have some much emotion invested in it. I want to keep thinking that my situation isnt typical, that its different from the rest and then I slowly realize that it isnt special at all. Doesnt make it suck any less though

[TaraMaiden]

It doesn't hurt any the less, because you've been feeding the pain.

 

It's 8 months now - you've been holding on to the resentment and the anger for so long, it's become part of your coping strategy, but in reality, it's scuppering your progress and sabotaging your healing.

 

Do you see what you've been doing?

Do you recognise how you have been 'wallowing' and dwelling in the hurt?

 

You made yourself stuck in transit, and actually, it's as if little or no time has passed, because you've been nurturing the pain.

 

Get it?

 

Now you know - now you can see - maybe you'll start to look at things a little differently.....

[mfleck91]

Its actually hasnt even been 3 months yet, not sure where you got 8 months at, but yes I see where you are coming from.

[TaraMaiden]

Yup, my error, sorry.

I thought I saw something about "it's 8 months since we split", but I realise now I looked at the wrong post.

 

Well, in that case, knowing what you know now - you won't waste another 5 months on this!!

[mfleck91]

Thanks for your help

[TaraMaiden]

I'm here all the time.

Don't be a stranger, it's a good support group here.....

[mfleck91]

In the majority of breakups do the two people usually get to say goodbye to each other? This is something that has been bothering me a lot lately. We pretty much went from being ok with each other to suddenly have nothing to do with each other with no transition. There are a lot of things I wish I had said when I first confronted her about the other guy and I wish I could have handled the last 2 months very differently from what I actually did.

[LadyAnglerTx]

Here is how you cope with finding out your ex is with another person.....

 

Picture it in your mind - see them in their bed together, accept it and remember this....

 

When two people get together at the beginning - everything is all roses and rainbows, sex is good/great, you're in la-la-land with this person, etc. THEN, reality sets in, the newness wears off, the irritating personality quirks appear and the honeymoon ends. Happens with every relationship.

 

Your ex will hit this period eventually and the relationship he/she is in will either stay strong or collapse. If/when it collapses - this is when they start reminiscing about the past and will start thinking of you again.

 

Wait it out and see what happens. Keep following the NC rule. The lovebirds little flame will soon die out and hopefully she will contact you again. Then you can decide if you want her back or not.

[mfleck91]

Here is how you cope with finding out your ex is with another person.....

 

Picture it in your mind - see them in their bed together, accept it and remember this....

 

When two people get together at the beginning - everything is all roses and rainbows, sex is good/great, you're in la-la-land with this person, etc. THEN, reality sets in, the newness wears off, the irritating personality quirks appear and the honeymoon ends. Happens with every relationship.

 

Your ex will hit this period eventually and the relationship he/she is in will either stay strong or collapse. If/when it collapses - this is when they start reminiscing about the past and will start thinking of you again.

 

Wait it out and see what happens. Keep following the NC rule. The lovebirds little flame will soon die out and hopefully she will contact you again. Then you can decide if you want her back or not.

The thing that bothers me about that is that in the 4 years we were together we never had sex. We did everything else but never had intercourse. At first it was because she wanted to wait for marriage, but in the last year she said she wanted it yet it never happened. She was never in the mood. Now shes with this new guy going crazy and it really ****s me up. This rebound was her first when i feel it should have been me

[TaraMaiden]

In the majority of breakups do the two people usually get to say goodbye to each other? This is something that has been bothering me a lot lately. We pretty much went from being ok with each other to suddenly have nothing to do with each other with no transition. There are a lot of things I wish I had said when I first confronted her about the other guy and I wish I could have handled the last 2 months very differently from what I actually did.

 

Ah. The 'Closure' question.

 

yeah.....

No.

 

It actually doesn't matter about the goodbye bit.

What everyone is actually looking for closure.

 

Dumpees believe that closure consists of having a long list of questions they can pose the dumper, who will sit there sedately and intently listening to each question, and answer each one accordingly, both openly and honestly.

 

Fat chance.

 

Closure questions never get answers, never get true answers, never get consistent answers and never get logical satisfactory answers.

 

And closure questions merely provoke - more questions.

 

Closure is both generated and implemented by you.

Yup.

 

You're beginning to realise that all the hard work of No Contact, is up to you (have you read the link in my signature by the way? I would if I were you, it's really jolly good!)

 

Remember that NC is not, and never has been, and never will be, a tool to either get your ex back, or make them miss you.

NC is purely and simply, totally and utterly for you, and you alone.

 

There is no manipulation, no waiting, no suspense, no hoping.

There IS healing, moving on and getting on with your life.

[mfleck91]

Ah. The 'Closure' question.

 

yeah.....

No.

 

It actually doesn't matter about the goodbye bit.

What everyone is actually looking for closure.

 

Dumpees believe that closure consists of having a long list of questions they can pose the dumper, who will sit there sedately and intently listening to each question, and answer each one accordingly, both openly and honestly.

 

Fat chance.

 

Closure questions never get answers, never get true answers, never get consistent answers and never get logical satisfactory answers.

 

And closure questions merely provoke - more questions.

 

Closure is both generated and implemented by you.

Yup.

 

You're beginning to realise that all the hard work of No Contact, is up to you (have you read the link in my signature by the way? I would if I were you, it's really jolly good!)

 

Remember that NC is not, and never has been, and never will be, a tool to either get your ex back, or make them miss you.

NC is purely and simply, totally and utterly for you, and you alone.

 

There is no manipulation, no waiting, no suspense, no hoping.

There IS healing, moving on and getting on with your life.

I actually have reached the point of accepting that ill never get closure or answers. What I really do wish I had the chance to do was genuinely say goodbye. You know, hug, shake hands, whatever it is we would do now, an say goodbye.