He hit me

[pureinheart]

I am STILL so regretful for the abuse I experienced. I still wonder WHY my spouse had to be like that. I WISH she hasn't. It really hurts even a year later to think about her bad decisions. Why, why, why? We will never know why. We just have to make decisions based on what IS.

 

 

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))

 

M30, she's angry. Something very serious happened to her to cause such anger. Abusive people IMO have been abused at some point in their lives. It usually comes out on someone other than the abuser, it's a way of gaining back control that was lost...

[Els]

You should report him to the cops, regardless of the time elapsed. It's pretty common for abuse victims to need to take some time to gather their thoughts before reporting the incident. One day is not too long.

 

Also, you should be doing this for your protection. The cops can get you a restraining order, which would be a good start even if he isn't immediately hauled in. The punishment he gets is irrelevant.

[2sunny]

He was never abusive, the first time he hit me was like a light slap with his fingers and he had apologized for having done it; it didn't really felt intentional to hurt me so I forgave.

 

This time around was pure physical abuse. He grabbed my hair because I refuse to talk and he just shook me repeatedly. I tried to shield myself in the back seat and he just kept hitting me with the water bottle. he even threatened to hit me with a metal object because I wouldnt shut up. His words were to this effect " don't cry out loud, cry inside. Or else everytime I hear you cry, I'm going to f---- hit you!"

 

Even though its not immediate - please report him.

 

And file a restraining order on him.

 

I never am alone with my ex - he can go off on any little thing - and I'm not willing to put myself in a position of giving him any opportunity to try and overpower me!

 

Please file a police report. You could be saving future women from his harm by exposing truth.

[2sunny]

Make a report. Even if they do nothing, you've got it in writing somewhere. On file. In case you need a restraining order.

 

Then RUN away from this man. Physical violence is NEVER an answer, and it doesn't ever go away. Something is wrong with people that feel they have to lash out in that manner when they are angry. There just is never an excuse. It just gets WORSE.

 

I KNOW it's scary. I went through that many many years ago. And I vowed I would never let a man hit me ever again. EVER. I don't care how bad he feels or how sorry he was. This man went on to marry a woman and had kids and beat on them too.

 

Take a friend with you to the PD. Whether or not you press charges, at least get it on the record. And break up with him post haste.[/ QUOTE]

I'm scared. Nobody knows right now at this point, not my best friend. But I have consulted with a classmate, he's a good friend and the only male peer I trust with these issues.

I feel ashamed.... I actually grew up in a household with domestic violence and having left that years ago after my mom's divorce from her ex husband, I never thought I would find myself in the same situation again, only this time at the hands of someone who proclaimed he loved me.

I always thought I had a good head on my shoulders but it's really a different outlook now since I find myself being a victim of abuse ( all over again).

 

Take your power back by speaking your truth - having a voice!

 

It will enable you to feel that you are doing something instead of nothing.

 

Staying silent and doing nothing is the victim role he expects of you. Be strong enough to do something about this.

 

And filing with courts lets other women that may date him in the future to understand (if they are smart and o a background check) that he IS abusive! That way they can stay away from him.

[pureinheart]

Even though its not immediate - please report him.

 

And file a restraining order on him.

 

I never am alone with my ex - he can go off on any little thing - and I'm not willing to put myself in a position of giving him any opportunity to try and overpower me!

 

Please file a police report. You could be saving future women from his harm by exposing truth.

 

I had this thought also. If he's procecuted, I'm priddy sure he will be forced to take anger management classes. Here one has to go for a year at their own cost- that would be a major reminder not to abuse again IMO...

 

I am so sorry to hear of your own sitch 2S, so glad you are out of it now--(((((((hugs to you)))))))

[gaius]

Reporting him to the police is only going to keep you involved with him on some level longer. Is that what you really want? I didn't get anything from your post that he's the stalking type, that he would come to your house and look for you if you totally cut him off. He was driving you home so you wanted to be there. Just get rid of him completely already. Stop with the nonsense.

[gaius]

xpaper, his little slap was a tester. That you remained with him, set you up for more abuse.

Abuser apoligist.

[2sunny]

Reporting him to the police is only going to keep you involved with him on some level longer. Is that what you really want? I didn't get anything from your post that he's the stalking type, that he would come to your house and look for you if you totally cut him off. He was driving you home so you wanted to be there. Just get rid of him completely already. Stop with the nonsense.

 

Being afraid is just giving the abuser more power!

 

That's not useful in getting to the other side.

 

She must take action!

[venusianx13]

Even if there is no evidence to convict, you are still within your rights to file for a TRO (temporary restraining order). The cops will likely question you, file a report, and question your ex. Honestly, it would be their call if there is enough to go on to press charges. Even if not, it's documented. And hopefully not for future reference.

[HonestNeurotic]

Reporting him to the police is only going to keep you involved with him on some level longer. Is that what you really want? I didn't get anything from your post that he's the stalking type, that he would come to your house and look for you if you totally cut him off. He was driving you home so you wanted to be there. Just get rid of him completely already. Stop with the nonsense.

 

Yeah. Sure. Right. Let him get away with it. It's not that bad. Tell that to the next girl that he dates family when she lands in the hospital.

 

Clearly one doesn't have to go out of their way to make the dude suffer. The DA most likely won't prosecute. But that's not the point. The point is that the behaviour is WRONG. Big WRONG. We don't allow people to go around hitting other people. Simple. That's insane.

 

If one's boss or school teacher or the policemen, anyone else that we come into contact in our daily lives hit us, we'd be up in arms over it. But when it happens between people that are dating or in a relationship? Somehow we as a society still rather keep it in the closet. We make the victim feel ashamed. We don't want to deal with the bad feelings. We don't want to take the responsibility, it's not "our" problem. Except that it is our problem. Especially if we, as a society, just say to walk away.

 

Then these people go on to have children, and keep on passing the abuse on down through the family. And we wonder why we have such a mess. Cuz we said - it's okay, he didn't hurt you that bad and from your post, person I don't even know except the few paragraphs you wrote, you didn't SAY he was a stalker, in fact, you didn't tell us much about him at all, so he must be not so bad?

 

Even if you do not go to the PD, tell someone. A few someones. Because you DON'T KNOW. If you did know, then you would have foreseen that he was going to hit you, and you didn't.

[xpaperxcutx]

Hey guys, thanks for your supportive responses. The day of the post, I had almost made up my mind about going to the police, but I decided to take to my BFF for her opinions. As my closest friend, she was very concerned for me because no matter how bad it was supposed to be, it was wrong of him to hit me. But she told me filing a report wasn't a game, it's the be-all and end-all, especially since I have had a habit of going back to him.

 

On another point, she asked me if I instigated anything to provoke him. I hadn't hit him or behaved in any way that would imply assault but I had refused to leave his car at 1 in the morning. Am I at fault too:(? We were fighting that entire night and he made me wait outside his house for 5 hours in the cold. And when he picked up, he was angry and threatened to throw me out of his car.

[tbf]

Your BFF isn't doing you any favours. File the report.

[It's Just Me]

On another point, she asked me if I instigated anything to provoke him.

 

See, if my BFF came to me and said that her ex had beaten her in a car with a water bottle, that's the last thing I would ask.

 

Honestly. Good men, REAL men, don't hit women. No matter what happens. You are the victim of an abuser, and you need to act. Now.

[samsungxoxo]

On another point, she asked me if I instigated anything to provoke him.

I'm surprise you didn't get pissed off. I would be furious if a man hit me and someone had the nerve to ask that. You know what, even if you were the instigator and tried to hit the guy, if he's a real man he would walk away or block you and possible file charges against me. I don't care about the ''but she started'' excuse anymore. Guys that hit or angrily retaliate when it wasn't self-defense and he still had the option of leaving but chose not to SUCK.

 

By asking this ridiculous question, I would already be assuming that some women like your friend would be ok with a man hitting them and are the type to apologize for it. I wouldn't apologize if a man hit me, not even if he were to do it in pure anger and retaliation. Screw that. That image of him hitting me would never go away in my mind.

 

Just like many men feel disgusted when a woman sleeps around, that's the same way I feel about a man that hits. Unless it's truly self-defense, he had no right to do OP.

[samsungxoxo]

Honestly. Good men' date=' REAL men, don't hit women. No matter what happens. You are the victim of an abuser, and you need to act. Now.[/quote']This.... Real men walk away. They certainly do not punch women like men.

[xpaperxcutx]

This.... Real men walk away. They certainly do not punch women like men.

 

He couldn't have walked away, we were in his car. I didn't want to go home and he wanted me to leave his car so he could go home. I guess I share some responsibility in that.

[KathyM]

Abusive men usually come from an abusive family, where abuse was tolerated, and it becomes engrained in the male children as a way of handling conflict. For women who come from abusive homes, such as yourself, where there was domestic violence, the female children learn that abuse is to be endured and that they are somehow deserving of it. Please understand that this man's response to conflict is to abuse, and he will not change his behavior. He may apologize and actually regret it afterwards, but please do not be fooled by this. He will abuse you again if you continue to see him. He will go through a period of remorse where he will try to apologize, try to "make it up" to you, and be on his best behavior, but he is highly likely to become abusive again. It's called the cycle of abuse. Tension builds up within him, he abuses, then becomes remorseful and a honeymoon period ensues where the abused partner often ends up forgiving and trying to move past the incident, only to have the tension build up again, resulting in another abusive incident. This pattern will not change. It is extremely engrained. Only a significant amount of counseling for this man has any hope of potentially changing the pattern, but it is very engrained as a coping mechanism for the anger he feels. Please do yourself a favor and do not trust this man. He will abuse again if you continue to see him. Do not trust his apologies or vows to treat you better. No one deserves to be abused. You did not provoke this. The abuse came from within him as a dysfunctional coping mechanism for conflict, which he has learned in his childhood. Do not give him another chance to abuse you. Do not continue to see him or put yourself in his company. Abusive men also usually escalate their abuse over time. He already has.

[TaraMaiden]

He couldn't have walked away, we were in his car. I didn't want to go home and he wanted me to leave his car so he could go home. I guess I share some responsibility in that.

 

Don't split hairs, and do not make excuses for his behaviour.

Quit that.

 

he had a choice about hitting you and he made the wrong choice.

 

You bear no responsibility in this.

He's a complete and total @-hole.

[Mme. Chaucer]

It is terrible, morally wrong, destructive and illegal to assault another person and he should experience the consequences. You and your behavior don't make you responsible for HIS actions.

 

BUT. Separate from this, you REALLY need to examine your behavior. It seems like you want extreme drama in your life, maybe even violence, and that you push people (men, anyway) as hard as you can, on purpose.

 

I'm not saying you were "asking for it." Though that is possible. When I was in full blown "crisis seeking behavior," I certainly sought out this kind of thing. Whatever role you played, it's still his fault for what HE did. Regardless. I've read your threads for a while and they're often about pushing, fighting, needling, and that kind of thing with guys.

 

Why?

[pureinheart]

Hey guys, thanks for your supportive responses. The day of the post, I had almost made up my mind about going to the police, but I decided to take to my BFF for her opinions. As my closest friend, she was very concerned for me because no matter how bad it was supposed to be, it was wrong of him to hit me. But she told me filing a report wasn't a game, it's the be-all and end-all, especially since I have had a habit of going back to him.

 

On another point, she asked me if I instigated anything to provoke him. I hadn't hit him or behaved in any way that would imply assault but I had refused to leave his car at 1 in the morning. Am I at fault too:(? We were fighting that entire night and he made me wait outside his house for 5 hours in the cold. And when he picked up, he was angry and threatened to throw me out of his car.

 

Are you speakng of the end of the relationship for good? If filing would end the relationship- my opinion would be to file ASAP

[gaius]

Yeah. Sure. Right. Let him get away with it. It's not that bad. Tell that to the next girl that he dates family when she lands in the hospital.

I don't know this guy personally but he strikes me as one who has an amazingly high patience level and low propensity for violence if he didn't outright murder papercut for refusing to get out of his car and arguing with him for hours over something probably stupid when they weren't even dating. I grew up in a household where there was violence going on. It's rarely only the dude at fault.

[samsungxoxo]

He couldn't have walked away, we were in his car. I didn't want to go home and he wanted me to leave his car so he could go home. I guess I share some responsibility in that.

Doesn't matter. He would have gotten out of the car and wait till you leave. Then get back when you're not there anymore. I'm sorry to hear you're even willing to take half the blame. He hit you. Remember that!!!

 

I can't believe so many women are willing to overlook that aggressiveness in males in comparing to most men that refuse to deal with a woman that slept around in the past.

[samsungxoxo]

I don't know this guy personally but he strikes me as one who has an amazingly high patience level and low propensity for violence if he didn't outright murder papercut for refusing to get out of his car and arguing with him for hours over something probably stupid when they weren't even dating. I grew up in a household where there was violence going on. It's rarely only the dude at fault.

Doesn't matter. I'm one who would have a man arrested right away for hitting me. Plus, I wouldn't drop charges. This is really that I'll never be able to get past in a man.

 

Maybe cheating, being lazy, or other things but never raising a hand on me.

[TaraMaiden]

I don't know this guy personally but he strikes me

Oh, he hit you too, huh?

 

as one who has an amazingly high patience level and low propensity for violence if he didn't outright murder papercut for refusing to get out of his car and arguing with him for hours over something probably stupid when they weren't even dating. I grew up in a household where there was violence going on. It's rarely only the dude at fault.

 

 

It is entirely, completely and totally his fault that he showed poor judgement and no willpower and was unable to prevent himself from acting out his violence on someone who was to all intents and purposes a 'captive audience'.

 

There is never any justification whatsoever, in any way shape or form, for putting your hands on another individual with the intention of doing them harm.

 

"Fault" is entirely his.

Responsibility for one's actions is 50-50.

 

But he must and will bear the brunt of the shame - and blame - for his unforgivable actions.

[samsungxoxo]

Are you speakng of the end of the relationship for good? If filing would end the relationship- my opinion would be to file ASAP

Yes OP stop listening to you friend, who isn't being helpful. File those charges now. That way, it's letting him know that there are consequences for losing self-control and hitting women.