I'm falling apart at the seams.

May 21, 2013

Second Nyla's comment.

Now, I'm not saying you should absolutely give up on the M. But you seem terrified at the prospect of divorce. Are you genuinely not wanting to lose HIM, or are you terrified at the prospect of 'breaking up' your family? This fear of yours is making it difficult for you to assert your boundaries and stand your ground. IMO you need to really think about where it's stemming from.

Because, let's say he recants later, says he doesn't want to divorce. But nothing changes. He continues to threaten you with divorce every argument (even if he doesn't actually do it), continues to refuse to participate in MC or suggest any alternatives, continues to refuse to work on solutions together, continues to verbally put you down. Is this what you want for yourself for the rest of your LIFE? For your son?

Now, obviously the best case scenario would be if he really does make an attempt at change, and both of you manage to work through your issues together. But if you are to achieve that, you can't have every disagreement turning into an explosion where he threatens you and you end up a crying, frightened girl.

I have no doubt that you have your own issues to work on, but the way I see it, you're actually trying to work on them with him, and he isn't. That is a very, very, very important factor.

May 21, 2013

I have no doubt that you have your own issues to work on, but the way I see it, you're actually trying to work on them with him, and he isn't. That is a very, very, very important factor.

To his credit, he did attend MC.

May 21, 2013

To his credit, he did attend MC.

He did, yes. But IMO, he did so just to 'placate' her. If he had genuinely been interested, I doubt one poor therapist would have affected him to the point where he says "I'm never going again". I don't think he's doing absolutely zero, but it seems that the effort LB and he are putting into working on their M is quite disproportionate.

May 21, 2013

He did, yes. But IMO, he did so just to 'placate' her. If he had genuinely been interested, I doubt one poor therapist would have affected him to the point where he says "I'm never going again". I don't think he's doing absolutely zero, but it seems that the effort LB and he are putting into working on their M is quite disproportionate.

They've been fighting (not just disagreeing, fighting) on the regular since 2007. Chew on that for a bit, and maybe you'll think otherwise.

May 21, 2013

They've been fighting (not just disagreeing, fighting) on the regular since 2007. Chew on that for a bit, and maybe you'll think otherwise.

This only points to LB possibly having her own issues, not that she has not been trying to work on them. If only one person works on their issues and the other doesn't, the fights will continue.

Regardless, you have already made it quite clear that you disagree with what some of us are saying; I don't see the need to repeat it. Perhaps we should all just wait for LB herself to clarify and answer some of our questions.

May 21, 2013

This only points to LB possibly having her own issues, not that she has not been trying to work on them. If only one person works on their issues and the other doesn't, the fights will continue.

Huh? How does it only point to LB possibly having issues? It points to both of them struggling to have a happy, healthy, productive relationship - for a long, long time.

Regardless, you have already made it quite clear that you disagree with what some of us are saying

I've done no such thing. I've merely asked for LB to elaborate on their conversations, as she's explained what he's said and what he's done, but not what she's said or what she's done. Is he arguing with himself? No. Context is important. Edited May 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

May 21, 2013

All of this sounds like he's comparing you TO someone. I don't want to be an alarmist or upset you even more but it sounds like maybe he's got a crush, or has met someone that has made him feel like you aren't good enough.

He's obviously been thinking of the logistics. I think a 180 might be in order.

May 21, 2013

LB, I think that you got caught up in the excitement of getting married. You wanted to marry and become a mother so much, that all of the obvious reasons not to faded into the background.

I know you don't want a divorce, but look at what you have to tolerate to stay in your marriage. Is this the dynamic that you want your son to see? He may not understand what is happening, but I can assure you that your son can feel the tension.

Your husband does not want to be married to you. His threats have gone from mentioning divorce in anger to actually planning. Your husband has been saying nasty things about your marriage for a long time and now he is being serious. Think about what you want your son to see, as well as what you deserve as a human being and as a wife.

I agree with this, every word.

May 21, 2013

All of this sounds like he's comparing you TO someone. I don't want to be an alarmist or upset you even more but it sounds like maybe he's got a crush, or has met someone that has made him feel like you aren't good enough.

He's obviously been thinking of the logistics. I think a 180 might be in order.

This is possible.

May 21, 2013

Just thought I would pop in as it seems moderation may be needed here.

Let's keep the fights off this thread and remember that a member of LoveShack is in need of advice not fights and insults.

Thanks

May 21, 2013

I remember LB's old threads and I was very surprised that their relationship even got to marriage. It seemed like it wasn't working years ago.

May 21, 2013

I didn't suggest that. You're jumping to conclusions.

That said, it takes two people to participate in an argument, and one doesn't usually scream "F YOU! I want a divorce!" and hang up the phone without having some sort of heated discussion take place first. All we're hearing is what he's doing; her role is absent from these explanations. Are you suggesting that she's not contributing to these arguments at all, either in her choice of words or how she's saying them? Perhaps she's been perfect, but who is? And you really don't know, do you?

Further, have you read her threads since she started here? He's always been OCD, he's always been controlling, but LB's had her own flaws too, one being how she engages in arguments, and thinking fighting (even often) is normal.

You said that you suspected LB was not fighting fair. From what I have read, LB's husband becomes verbally abusive with very little provocation.

I have read many of LB's past threads. I am not suggesting that LB has no role, but it is unfair to automatically "suspect" LB of being in the wrong or focus purely on her faults.

May 21, 2013

I don't know why he snaps into talking about divorce like that. Really odd. Why can't he just have a fight and be angry I wonder.....

Because he's reverting to "Child" tactics.

It's a long clarification, but basically, it's a premise founded in an extremely ancient practice that in moments of personal crisis, the human psyche reverts to that of a kid - but more so in men than in women.

In my practising this ancient 'art' I have found it to be consistently true.

Coupled with my mother's advice - that no matter what their circumstances, earnings or material wealth, all men are 9 years old - men do indeed seem to fall back into the mentality of an immature boy.

I'm absolutely serious.

PM me if you want for more info.

I do not intend to derail here.

May 21, 2013

So I married him out of desperation? I hope not. He has good qualities, he isnt a jacka$$ all the time.

Okay, so is it possible that he just truly IS an ass.hole and he needs to make an effort continually just to be nice? I mean that with respect, not trying to be a smart ass here.

This just reminds me of my friends husband. He has a ton of issues, baggage and he's just a hard person over all. I always wonder wtf my friend sees in him? Is he worth all this heartache? Such drama, and lows? She loves him and sees the good in him when not too many others don't. He's lost a lot of people but I guess she feels he's worth it.

May 21, 2013

LB

I have read your posts. Overall, I get the impression that you are, as a couple, in a downwards, possibly totally out-of-control spiral, with the only prospect being terminal splash-out with no 'survivors'.

I get the idea that he can be a jerk (maybe rather than being a jerk). I get that he can be different. However, despite the fact that he has acknowledged he has issues, he is unwilling to do anything practical about it. You, on the other hand, add fuel to the fire when either of you go off on one, despite the fact that you probably recognise that it does not actually help one iota. This sort of reaction, is not standing your ground. It is having a temper tantrum. Make no mistake about it, they are emphatically not the same thing.

Maybe you need to invest in yourself by seeking help with learning what the ideal skills are for setting boundaries for yourself, for asserting yourself in a positive manner. Returning sniping fire ain't it. I'm no expert on that, but I don't need to be because it is blatantly obvious to the ordinary man.

I think it is clear, as it is to you, that counselling would at least be a sensible thing to attempt, that you are both too close to the problems between you and that you could benefit from the perspective of a divested third party. Only he won't play ball, possibly because he knows the sort of $h1t that will come down on his head from the said third party that has no personal axe to grind. The notion of that puts fear up him.

However, he has to understand that his $h1t is his $h1t, not something you are dumping on him. He can dump and run, but if he goes into another long-term commitment he will only repeat his short-comings. It's his shadow and he can't run away from it. He really does need to be told this in cold, hard terms, even if it requires him to be bound down in a chair, have his eyelids wedged open, his hands tied down so he can't stick a finger in his ears so he doesn't have to listen and a bit of duct tape slapped on his gob so that he can't drown out what he is hearing by a cacophony of his own wailing and moaning.

By the way this "He knew what I was before we married" is just a lame crock. He can play that card as well. What is the point?

Edited May 21, 2013 by pcplod

May 21, 2013

You, on the other hand, add fuel to the fire when either of you go off on one, despite the fact that you probably recognise that it does not actually help one iota. This sort of reaction, is not standing your ground. It is having a temper tantrum. Make no mistake about it, they are emphatically not the same thing.

That's a very good point. Yelling at him in the heat of the moment is not standing up to him. He knows that will pass, and you will forgive, as you ALWAYS have.

You were the one pushing for marriage, for years, even despite all his unaddressed issues. Why should he change?

You need to be willing to walk away. You need to be able to say, "The divorce threats again? I don't want to hear it" in a calm, firm voice. Stand up to him and show him that you aren't going to tolerate his crap, you aren't going to dissolve into tears, you aren't going to back down at divorce threats. YOu are going to stand strong and insist that he deals with his issues (as you will deal with yours), or YOU are going to file for divorce.

Edited May 21, 2013 by xxoo

May 21, 2013

The sad irony is that LB is a Counsellor.

She knows all of this already.

But tragically, when 'you' are in it yourself, everything you know, flies out of the window.

That, again, is the reversion to 'child behaviour'.

As a child, there is nothing more acutely felt, as Injustice.

As a consequence, a child just wants to be heard, validated and for their side to be considered.

This is what they're both doing.

Screaming at each other like kids.

And they're both so loud, that although they can 'hear' one another, they're not listening.

I would venture that he is more guilty than she.... For a variety of reasons.....

May 21, 2013

I am at work, I read all responses. Thank you. I will post when I get a chance!

May 21, 2013

I am at work, I read all responses. Thank you. I will post when I get a chance!

Hope you're doing okay, LB.

I genuinely believe that most folks here have your best interests at heart, even if some of us may express it rather harshly. I hope you manage to find some solace or clarity in the posts. It must suck to have to deal with work stress, baby, and H all at the same time, but you seem to be holding up. Stay strong.

May 21, 2013

I have read many of LB's past threads. I am not suggesting that LB has no role, but it is unfair to automatically "suspect" LB of being in the wrong or focus purely on her faults.

Focus only on LB's faults?? Have you bothered to read my posts in this thread? Have you not seen what I've had to say about her husband and his behavior? I assure you, I'm not kind or supportive of him; I'm not on his side.

All I'm saying is: unless he had Tourette's on top of OCD, it typically takes two to participate in an argument such that it escalates to the point of someone exasperatingly saying F you and hanging up! Wouldn't you agree? Context is important, and if LB can control/make better her response to his behavior (as suggested by someone else, with which yo agreed), it may help her.

Edited May 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

May 21, 2013

Maybe you need to invest in yourself by seeking help with learning what the ideal skills are for setting boundaries for yourself, for asserting yourself in a positive manner. Returning sniping fire ain't it. I'm no expert on that, but I don't need to be because it is blatantly obvious to the ordinary man.

Yes, I completely agree. This is what I was suggesting. Not only might it prevent these arguments from exploding, but it will make LB feel more in control of her destiny. Being able to control ones emotions in situations like this (not controlling by not feeling them, but by how one reacts to them) is a very powerful thing.

I think it is clear, as it is to you, that counselling would at least be a sensible thing to attempt, that you are both too close to the problems between you and that you could benefit from the perspective of a divested third party. Only he won't play ball, possibly because he knows the sort of $h1t that will come down on his head from the said third party that has no personal axe to grind. The notion of that puts fear up him.

However, he has to understand that his $h1t is his $h1t, not something you are dumping on him. He can dump and run, but if he goes into another long-term commitment he will only repeat his short-comings. It's his shadow and he can't run away from it. He really does need to be told this in cold, hard terms, even if it requires him to be bound down in a chair, have his eyelids wedged open, his hands tied down so he can't stick a finger in his ears so he doesn't have to listen and a bit of duct tape slapped on his gob so that he can't drown out what he is hearing by a cacophony of his own wailing and moaning.

I suspect you may be right. I didn't give him the benefit of the intelligence to understand how MC would go down for him. But in reality, I think he inherently knows that he's an arsehole.

By the way this "He knew what I was before we married" is just a lame crock. He can play that card as well. What is the point?

Also agreed. They both knew, they both turned a blind eye.

May 21, 2013

I am at work, I read all responses. Thank you. I will post when I get a chance!

I'm glad you're working, it may help keep your kind off of things/reeling, at least for the time being.

I hope your evening got better.

May 21, 2013

I am at work, I read all responses. Thank you. I will post when I get a chance!

You have a lot of stressors right now. I hope your day goes well!

May 21, 2013

Okay, I have a few minutes free right now. Crazy morning, 5 clients in a row. Did keep my mind off things though.

First to clarify about the f you and hang up thing. I called him a control freak and that he was twisting the whole thing around on me. I was wrong too, I am certainly not perfect and I absolutely contribute to the dynamic. I make him out to be the bad guy, but the reality is that its both of us. I hope that clarified it.

So a lot happened since I posted last. I think I left off at him being in his office? So he finally came upstairs and we went back throught out our entire relationship. We also talked about who we had dated prior to us getting together. We talked about all the turbulance of our relationship andin detail the red flags. (ie. I spilled a drink on his shirt and shot me a dirty look and ran upstairs.) I think there is a thread about that. Anyway, we talked about how we argued about money and how I thought the man paid and he thought it was equal. Red flag. Sexual incompatibilty was another one (no oral). I had ants in old apartment and it was messy. Red flag for him. So basically we ignored all the signs that there were because we loved each other.

I asked him why he married me. His response tore me up, I dont even want to post it because its too painful. Or that I will be judged. We agreed that we got married for the wrong reasons and talked about where that left us. We talked in detail about divorcing but in a hypothetical sense (if we were to divorce). Seems to me that means neither of us are sure. So I couldnt take the discussion anymore and said i didnt want a divorce. I asked him and he said he didnt know.

He said he didnt want Ryan to have divorced parents though and that he would be the one to suffer

We left it at that for awhile. He went upstairs and when i came up he said he didnt want a divorce that he wanted to work things out. We kissed but things were still a little weird.

Fast forward to this morning. I was unsure after what went down so i asked him if he wanted to be married to me. He said that of course he did, he loves me and ryan and our family. So of course i am confused. I get to work and recieve texts from him. First one said: our past does not have to be our future. Second said that he wants our family to be happy, that he wants us to love and support each other and be together until we are old and grey, and that he loves me with all of his heart. Oy.

Sorry for the length of this.

May 21, 2013

Okay, I have a few minutes free right now. Crazy morning, 5 clients in a row. Did keep my mind off things though.

First to clarify about the f you and hang up thing. I called him a control freak and that he was twisting the whole thing around on me. I was wrong too, I am certainly not perfect and I absolutely contribute to the dynamic. I make him out to be the bad guy, but the reality is that its both of us. I hope that clarified it.

I thought that might be the case, and think it's awesome that you're able to acknowledge this. It will help you grow.

As for the rest...

First one said: our past does not have to be our future. Second said that he wants our family to be happy, that he wants us to love and support each other and be together until we are old and grey, and that he loves me with all of his heart. Oy.

I think you should believe him. Your past doesn't need to be your future. But he's got some serious work to do. You both do.

Did you discuss going to further MC? I think he could benefit from some IC too.

Hugs.

Sign In

I'm falling apart at the seams.

Recommended Posts

Els

Star Gazer

Els

Star Gazer

Els

Star Gazer

IfWishesWereHorses

Star Gazer

tbf

Robert

Eternal Sunshine

Nyla

TaraMaiden

whichwayisup

pcplod

xxoo

TaraMaiden

Lauriebell82

Els

Star Gazer

Star Gazer

Star Gazer

IfWishesWereHorses

Lauriebell82

Star Gazer

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...