I'm falling apart at the seams.

[TaraMaiden]

It sounds like their division of childcare on the weekend would be a perfect opportunity for the OP to resolve an issue she identified, that being that she feels she has no friends and no one to talk to. She can schedule activities/interests during those periods to do alone and build relationships with other women.

 

It sounds more like the continued division of child-care is keeping them apart and preventing a 'family unit' from successfully forming....

 

This sounds like a divorce and shared custody already....

 

What's wrong with functioning 'together' when you're together?

Edited May 15, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[amaysngrace]

Could I ask, why do you still have fixed schedules at the weekend? Why don't you 'jointly' take care of him, instead of dividing the times up as during the week?

 

Yeah exactly. Why aren't you being a family?

[hotgurl]

I agree why aren't you doing things together as a family on the weekends?

 

Like going to the park, going to a petting zoo etc.....

[carhill]

It sounds more like the continued division of child-care is keeping them apart and preventing a 'family unit' from successfully forming....

 

This sounds like a divorce and shared custody already....

 

What's wrong with functioning 'together' when you're together?

They appear to be 'together' during the week, presuming they interact while at home together when not working. There must be enough 'together' time for them to have discussions and disagreements to the extent that the husband is threatening divorce at one point, then recanting the next.

 

Having healthy 'alone' time is important too, and making use of an already implemented child care arrangement can help with that. Nearly every couple I know did something similar when raising their children, though they didn't have apparently rigid schedules like the OP is relating here. There was child time, couple time and alone time.

 

If the OP and her H are truly on the path to a D, then child care schedules and alone time aren't going to make much difference IMO. Larger issues are in play and both spouses are responsible for their part of those issues.

[TaraMaiden]

It doesn't help if they're talking AT one another and at loggerheads, instead of interacting, sharing and acting like a complete unit instead of sectioning and dividing childcare with what looks like chronological precision.

 

That's implementing separate times already.

 

There are plenty of under-currents and issues here.

I would suggest that leading separate lives to this extent is sure as hell not helping!

[Star Gazer]

Totally agree with Tara and disagree with carhill.

 

They're operating completely separately on the weekends, which is FAMILY TIME! Of course everyone needs alone time here and there, but you work TOGETHER to make that happen, you don't set out schedules where you are responsible or they are responsible.

 

I can see why it's easy for her H to throw out the D word. If they were to divorce, it wouldn't change his life very much other than the mere absence of LB. He'd have the same "responsibility" that he has now.

[hotgurl]

everyone needs alone, time, couple time and family time.

 

The schedule seems so rigid and very concerned with "fairness" and score keeping.

 

Child rearing is much more fluid than that and honestly it is rarely ever equal. some days you do more some days your hubby does more some days you both collapse in an exhausted heap.

 

So of my best memories are of us spending time together. Swimming, in the park, hiking.

 

I also had female friends with children, we arranged play dates and talked etc...

It helped me a lot. I am glad you are going to that mother's group.

 

To be honest LB I always had doubts that you husband could adjust to having a baby with his OCD issues. Children are messy.

 

Is he medicated?

[carhill]

OP, is your husband responsible for all of the schedules unilaterally, meaning he set them up and implemented them without your input or discussion, or did you and he come to an agreement on them?

[Lauriebell82]

Hey guys, could you please talk TO me and not about me? I like that better since I am the one being advised. I am at work so I cant check LS constantly but I will get on when I can and update/answer your questions. I read all responses.

 

Anyway I think there has been some misunderstanding here. Our childcare schedules includes diaper changing, meal feeding and clothing changes. We all spend time together as a family, play with our son no matter whose turn it is. It isnt as rigid as everyone is assuming it is. If he is crying I will comfort him even if its not my shift and husband will do the same. He did not create the schedule himself, we both came up with it together. It helps to avoid one person doing everything and it gives us some personal "alone time" as well.

 

We both love caring for our son so much and love spending time as afamily. Where did you guys get the impression that it was a rigid agreement and it was sepearating our family? I was surprised at the responses.

[TaraMaiden]

Hey guys, could you please talk TO me and not about me? I like that better since I am the one being advised. I am at work so I cant check LS constantly but I will get on when I can and update/answer your questions. I read all responses.

 

Oh LB, please.... It's not as if we're talking about you BEHIND YOUR BACK!

 

We're just discussing different aspects until you come back in!

 

EVERYONE does that, but it doesn't reflect badly on you....Of course people will talk 'about' you in your thread.... it's done in virtually every thread....Asking people to not talk 'about' you is basically telling them to quit being human....

 

....We both love caring for our son so much and love spending time as afamily. Where did you guys get the impression that it was a rigid agreement and it was sepearating our family? I was surprised at the responses.

 

Here......

 

My husband takes care of our son in the morning, he gets him up feeds him, dresses him, and drives him to daycare. I get out of work at 2:30 so I pick him up and get to see him all afternoon which is great. Flipside is that I cant really relax until my husband gets home at 5:30 pm and plays with him. I am responsible for his care in the evening, we alternate giving him a bath and dressing him for bed. On the weekends my hisband takes care of him from 6:00 am-1:00 pm, I take care of him from 1:00pm-8:00 pm (bath depends on whose night it is.

 

The schedule works well, we have equal responsibilities. Only complain is that i cant relax when I first get home.

[Lauriebell82]

I see what you are saying Tara! I didnt think of it that way.

 

Anyway the way I organize things is on a time schedule. My husband also. It just makes us a more functional household. Our fighting has nothing to do with our son. Are time schedules weird? When my son was an infant we kept a tracking log where we wrote in what time he did everything. We just got in the habit I guess. I have always been told that it was a good thing.

[TaraMaiden]

I have personally never heard of such a thing.... I'm not sure why, if you guys are together with your son, you can't do everything together with your son...

Why allocate different time schedules?

I just get the feeling that this has an impression on your son, in a way.

"Either Mom does this, or dad does this, but they never do this together...."

 

I don't think I'm the only one who finds that it sounds too rigid....

Share everything... you're both parents.... do parental things together.....

Could I ask... who 'told you this was a good thing'....?

 

I'm not criticising.... I just find it.... well.... odd......

[Lauriebell82]

I have personally never heard of such a thing.... I'm not sure why, if you guys are together with your son, you can't do everything together with your son...

Why allocate different time schedules?

I just get the feeling that this has an impression on your son, in a way.

"Either Mom does this, or dad does this, but they never do this together...."

 

I don't think I'm the only one who finds that it sounds too rigid....

Share everything... you're both parents.... do parental things together.....

Could I ask... who 'told you this was a good thing'....?

 

I'm not criticising.... I just find it.... well.... odd......

 

Dr, MIL, SIL loved that we kept track of his schedule in the scheduling log and my friend told me she is having trouble withher husband who refuses to anything. So she thought a schedule would be a good idea. He takes medication that is 12 hours apart and we each give him the meds at 6:30 and 6:30. And we try to feed him according to times, so since we take turns feeding him meals it stands to reason that our shift would be at that time because thats what time he eats.

 

We dont always do things so rigid where I am feeding him his solid foods dinner and my husband is nowhere to be found. It only takes one of us to feed him at a time and he eats at a specific time that is during our shift. It doesnt take both of us to feed our change his diaper. We will be playing with him and he will have a poopy so if it is my shift i will get up and change him then sit right back down with him. Usually i hand him to my husband so i can go wash my hands.

[Star Gazer]

"Shift"? You have child care "shifts"?

[Lauriebell82]

"Shift"? You have child care "shifts"?

 

Yeah. Why?

[TaraMaiden]

Dr, MIL, SIL loved that we kept track of his schedule in the scheduling log and my friend told me she is having trouble withher husband who refuses to anything. So she thought a schedule would be a good idea. He takes medication that is 12 hours apart and we each give him the meds at 6:30 and 6:30. And we try to feed him according to times, so since we take turns feeding him meals it stands to reason that our shift would be at that time because thats what time he eats.

 

We dont always do things so rigid where I am feeding him his solid foods dinner and my husband is nowhere to be found. It only takes one of us to feed him at a time and he eats at a specific time that is during our shift. It doesnt take both of us to feed our change his diaper. We will be playing with him and he will have a poopy so if it is my shift i will get up and change him then sit right back down with him. Usually i hand him to my husband so i can go wash my hands.

 

Okay, well, if you think this is working well for you.... then there's no reason to question or review it....

 

I'm just concerned for the quality time... I'm hoping that this hasn't become such a pattern for you both that it's taken all the fun and spontaneity out of being parents and lovers....

 

parenting is one of the most thankless and undervalued jobs in the world. There's no 'pay' and it's 24/7.... Sometimes, things can get 'so', that you forget to enjoy, it becomes a chore and an ordeal, at times.

[tbf]

Lb, do the MC and see what comes out of it. Your husband is carrying some major resentment if he keeps throwing divorce into your face.

 

While I find your setup rigid, your husband also has OCD. In order to live with someone like that, there has to be some concessions on your part so if a rigid schedule gives him comfort and you're fine with it, different strokes, et al.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

LB,

 

I'm sorry for your troubles. I wish I had some good advice. Just make sure you are in control of your emotions while you figure things out.

 

When I read about your schedule my first thought was, wow! Then I started thinking how with both of ours 9 years apart, we naturally fell into schedules that worked for us as a couple. He's the morning person and I easily pull all nighters. I'd have the baby while he did the yard and he'd entertain while I ran to do the shopping. He golfed every other Sunday and some Saturdays I'd shop and lunch with friends or my sister. We just never wrote it down! For us, whomever found the dirty diaper changed it or asked the other person to. He got baby love when he got home and I cooked dinner, ect... But the evenings and days didn't belong to anyone.

 

When I read your last reply I did think it was odd that you called it shifts. BUT we (jokingly) called it baby duty and high fixed each other with tag you're it!

I don't think it's all that different from what most people do, just that it's more thought out and documented.

 

I hope you do well in MC.

[BetheButterfly]

So my husband recanted his divorce statements this morning. He said he could never leave me, loves me so much, ya day ya day ya da. I feel like there are only so many times he can say it without it losing value. I am confused.

 

There's a way to "fight fair" and that includes making rules for conflict.

 

I think it's important for you to tell him that when he threatens you with divorce, that it hurts you. I think it'd be good to ask him to with you write some ground rules for conflict in order to protect each other from hurting each other.

 

For example:

 

1. No insults.

2. No divorce threats.

3. Focus on positives.

4. Sit down, look in each other's eyes, and hold hands while talking (this is a big one for my husband and me... holding hands and looking in his eyes helps me remember we are a team, that he loves me,and that I love him.)

5. Don't let the sun go down without showing your love for each other in some way.

6. Find common ground.

7. Compromise.

[hotgurl]

Well I find the shifts rigid. But if it works for you guys why not.

 

I think carhill had a good idea when your husband is on duty during the weekend go out. get your nails done, see a movie, take a bath etc...

 

 

Also do you guys have any couple time? I know it is very hard with a baby. I wish you well in MC.

 

I think it BetheButterfly had some every good points about fighting fair. Also he seems very focused on your flaws does he recognize his own and how they are affecting the relationship?

[Lauriebell82]

Update: we went to counseling and it didnt go well. The therapist just rambled and did a whole speel about his appproach to counseling. I gave him info on our situation and he totally deflected. I think he did it so we would come back which I understand. So husband was angry bc he felt uncomfortable and didnt like it. I explained that the next session probably be that way. We argued in the car and he was really mad. He said he would go again only to make me happy. I am very disappointed.

[KathyM]

Update: we went to counseling and it didnt go well. The therapist just rambled and did a whole speel about his appproach to counseling. I gave him info on our situation and he totally deflected. I think he did it so we would come back which I understand. So husband was angry bc he felt uncomfortable and didnt like it. I explained that the next session probably be that way. We argued in the car and he was really mad. He said he would go again only to make me happy. I am very disappointed.

Don't get discouraged. The first appointment is usually somewhat business-like, and is meant to just inform the clients of the office protocol, confidentiality issues, his treatment approach, and to get background information. This will be the case for the first few sessions. The real work comes in the middle portion of therapy, so please stick with it and don't get discouraged.

[anne1707]

I think as a counsellor herself, LB will have a good idea of how things are done. If she does not feel comfortable/happy with the counsellor then this is a bad start.

[TaraMaiden]

Don't get discouraged. The first appointment is usually somewhat business-like, and is meant to just inform the clients of the office protocol, confidentiality issues, his treatment approach, and to get background information. This will be the case for the first few sessions. The real work comes in the middle portion of therapy, so please stick with it and don't get discouraged.

 

No, I agree with Lauriebell82:

 

They're paying for something they didn't ask for. A counsellor shouldn't need to outline their remit; this is why people go to counsellors. Because they know what counsellors are for.

 

For a counsellor to waste the first appointment blathering on about themselves, is daylight robbery.

 

Lauriebell, does this counsellor know what you do?

 

I would think your H is mad because this guy wasted his time, and he wasn't all that keen on counselling to begin with, was he?

[KathyM]

No, I agree with Lauriebell82:

 

They're paying for something they didn't ask for. A counsellor shouldn't need to outline their remit; this is why people go to counsellors. Because they know what counsellors are for.

 

For a counsellor to waste the first appointment blathering on about themselves, is daylight robbery.

 

Lauriebell, does this counsellor know what you do?

 

I would think your H is mad because this guy wasted his time, and he wasn't all that keen on counselling to begin with, was he?

Counselors are supposed to discuss with the client what form of therapy they will be using, and help the client to understand the concept. There are many different types of therapeutic orientations, and every counselor has their own theoretical orientation. They are not all the same. He was introducing them to his methods/theoretical orientation. This is what is supposed to be done in the first or initial sessions. This is what marriage and family therapists are instructed to do, and is a part of the initial therapy. The actual working stage will be in the middle portion of therapy, so I think it would be a mistake to quit after just one session. It's a mistake to expect some instantaneous results or insights in the first session. The therapist is providing them with his orientation, and is gathering background information. This is what he is supposed to do in the first session or first few sessions.