Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 I'm glad you had a nice weekend, but I would caution you against thinking that one weekend could have or may have fixed everything, or been a sign of the same. There will be ebbs and flows, even as progress is being made. Also, "where did my sweet husband go?" confused me. I would have thought the opposite way, like over the weekend, "Where did my arsehole husband go? I like this one better!" Ya know? Haha, thats exactly what I thought! I think that I have some issues with him too, mostly that I think that he doesnt have the right to give me a hard time about things he Knew about me prior to marriage. Its funny that a control freak would marry a sensitive low self esteemed woman with a learning disability. Sometimes I wonder why he did marry me knowing those Things. Why didnt he find a neat clean confident woman? 1
TaraMaiden Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Because they're not as easy to mould or control. Are you easy to mould and control, LB....?
xxoo Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 LB, from my perspective, you are very tolerant and understanding of his issues. That is part of the reason he chose you. A woman with higher self esteem would have dumped his butt early on. He knows he can win a power struggle with you. So disengage. Ignore his challenge. Dismiss with a comment like, "Thanks, mom! I really need some help here!" If he makes another comment, "Really, I've got a mom. I don't need another. I need a husband. Some help, please?" Keep deflecting, and dismiss his "parenting". Just refer to him as "Mommy Dearest" when he gets that way. Are you old enough to understand that reference? Be sure to shriek "No wire hangers!" in a shrill voice for comic effect. Bottom line: stand up to him, without actually engaging the battle he presents. 6
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Because they're not as easy to mould or control. Are you easy to mould and control, LB....? You would think I would be but I am not. I fight back which is why we get into. I have a bit of a temper in me. I think he tries to control but cant.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 LB, from my perspective, you are very tolerant and understanding of his issues. That is part of the reason he chose you. A woman with higher self esteem would have dumped his butt early on. He knows he can win a power struggle with you. So disengage. Ignore his challenge. Dismiss with a comment like, "Thanks, mom! I really need some help here!" If he makes another comment, "Really, I've got a mom. I don't need another. I need a husband. Some help, please?" Keep deflecting, and dismiss his "parenting". Just refer to him as "Mommy Dearest" when he gets that way. Are you old enough to understand that reference? Be sure to shriek "No wire hangers!" in a shrill voice for comic effect. Bottom line: stand up to him, without actually engaging the battle he presents. So I married him out of desperation? I hope not. He has good qualities, he isnt a jacka$$ all the time.
xxoo Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 So I married him out of desperation? I hope not. He has good qualities, he isnt a jacka$$ all the time. No, I have no doubt that you are in love with him. I'm saying that I couldn't tolerate the stuff he does, and neither could many of the women here. I wouldn't fall in love with him. I'm too stubborn, and too sure of myself. Even at 17, I was too sure of myself to tolerate that crap.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 No, I have no doubt that you are in love with him. I'm saying that I couldn't tolerate the stuff he does, and neither could many of the women here. I wouldn't fall in love with him. I'm too stubborn, and too sure of myself. Even at 17, I was too sure of myself to tolerate that crap. I only really post the bad stuff on here so it is probably easy to just see him as a controlling jerk. Does your partner do stuff that pisses you off? Do you stay because of the good times you have? Those arent defensive statements I am just trying to give myself some perspective on this.
TaraMaiden Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 That's not what it's about, LB.... It's not what he does, it's establishing where your tolerance levels are.... Yours seem to be set pretty high. Many, many women here, wouldn't permit things to escalate to the limits you have. There again, many many women here have had previous experience, and their own standards have shifted.... That's not to say you're bad at this or have made poor choices. But I think that having had broader experiences, many women here might be telling you - you need to draw a line in the sand - and sooner rather than later.... 1
xxoo Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 (edited) No, my partner and I don't stay for the good times. We stay because we are a team. We actively support each other. We don't have "bad times". We argue sometimes, of course, but we are never mean and nasty to each other. We get exasperated and impatient, like we do with our kids, but we aren't mean and nasty to them, either. I mentioned when I was 17 for a reason. I dated a guy when I was about that age, and he tried some of the stuff you describe here. He claimed to adore me, but spoke to me condescendingly. I couldn't take it. I told him where to shove it. Edited May 20, 2013 by xxoo
denise_xo Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I only really post the bad stuff on here so it is probably easy to just see him as a controlling jerk. Does your partner do stuff that pisses you off? Do you stay because of the good times you have? Those arent defensive statements I am just trying to give myself some perspective on this. I guess, for me, the 'bad stuff' (in terms of staying together in good days and bad) doesn't include being shi+ty to each other. It includes sickness, unemployment, depression, financial difficulties, and so on. We also get impatient with each other and say stuff in the heat of the moment that are hurtful and which we don't necessarily mean, but then we apologise to each other pretty swiftly and then talk it through. What I see in your posts is more along the lines of someone who's being a jerk at a fairly regular basis, and then refusing to accept it as a problem and/or having very little ability for self reflection. 1
tbf Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Update: weekend was wonderful despite counseling being a flop. I also took everyones advice and shared in childcare and it worked great. It brought us closer together. My husband made several comments that could have been controlling ones but they were nice and respectful.This is a good thing. So this morning I was Making coffee and when I poured the water in and it all came gushing out everywhere. Husband was laying on the couch so i asked him to come help me. He said no and that i should clean it up myself because i was the one who did it and then i will then know to check next time. WHAT???? Where did my sweet husband go? So I confronted him and asked him why he made such a rude comment and was being so mean. He avoided the question and said i was being too sensitive and that i was acting hysterical.To put this into context, cleaning and cleanliness has always been an issue between the two of you where he feels you don't pull your weight, so his reaction didn't really come out of the blue. Consider something. Had this happened to him, would he have called you to help? 1
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Things exploded! We are talking about divorce!!! I dont want a divorce, i am so devastated!!! Please help guys. And i do not want a divorce, it is not an option.
TaraMaiden Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Who threw that hat into the ring? he's reluctant to go to counselling, he's brusque, callous, indifferent, generally treating you very badly - and behaving like a jerk. Did he put that one forward?
Star Gazer Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Things exploded! We are talking about divorce!!! I dont want a divorce, i am so devastated!!! Please help guys. And i do not want a divorce, it is not an option. Take a deep breath. What happened? Specifically.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Something else is going on. Calm down, engage and listen. Put your emotions aside for a moment so you can hear him and he feels safe to talk. You need to know exactly what is underlying this. 1
xxoo Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 We're listening. You (both of you) have got to stop using the D word. Can't solve marriage issues by fantasizing about divorce. Anyway, divorce would require a waiting period in PA, so you might as well ignore the divorce part and focus on finding a marriage counselor you guys can agree on. 3
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 Ok, so I had a horrible day at work (made a huge work related mistake) so I was already upset. I was also still mad about this morning. I tried talking to him but we argued bc neither of us believed the others version of what happened. Ryan was bawling in the backseat (i was outside our house in my car, we were on the phone. He started saying we are incompatable and that our relationship isnt working. He started talking about moving to his parents , who would have custody, ect. I was crying and kept saying that we werent agreeing so he said f you I want a divorce and hung up the phone on me. We got in the house and started talking about the fact that I resent him so much and i told him all the things that were red flags that i overlooked when we were dating. He said there were things he overlooked like that I didnt cook and clean, didnt offer to pay, ect. He said he married me because he thought i could change into the wife he wanted. We talked about that we should get divorced and where would each live. I started crying and said i didnt want a divorce and asked if he did. He said he didnt know and that he needed time to think so he went for a walk. Came back and went to his office and we havent talked since. I feel horrible.
TaraMaiden Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 The only one who has used the D word up to now (as far as I can remember) is him. Now he's thinking about it seriously.... You both failed to address 'red flags' before you married. This is a pile of crock, especially his assertions regarding your 'housewifery' skills. he knew this about you, definitely - to have expected a miraculous transformation overnight, the moment you took the dress off, is ridiculous and unrealistic. And what the f does he mean 'didn't offer to pay'...? That's just being ludicrous and grasping at straws... He's talking BS and you know it.....because he was just in 'tit for tat' mode.... But the red flags you saw flapping - some of which, if I'm not mistaken, might have been mentioned by other members here - were a form of self-delusion, LB. It's sad you saw them, and ignored them, because you desperately wanted to believe he wasn't really like that. Well, the 'honeymoon' period is over. This is him, in his true colours, and it will only get worse. I know you don't want this. I understand this is the furthest thing from your mind. But I would go to him in his 'den' and tell him, if he wants this divorce, he'd better file, because you're not going to give him a way out by complying. If he wants it - tell him to do the hard work. Otherwise shut dafuq up here now and always about divorce, and let's get this think dealt with. It's either counselling - with a counsellor you're BOTH happy with - or he can do the damn legwork. 2
xxoo Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 He starts yapping about divorce when you confront him. IGNORE the divorce stuff. He can't have an insta-divorce in PA. Does he know that? There is at least a 6 month waiting period--more than enough time to get marriage counseling established. I'd walk away from the conversation every time he says "divorce". Tell him you don't want to hear it. You are married, you have a child, and it is time to grow the F up and deal with it. He wants a big reaction. You give it to him. Stop rewarding the D talk with arguments and tears. Ignore it, and force him to deal with the actual issues you have....which aren't going to magically go away if you divorce! You have a child together! 3
Star Gazer Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Ok, so I had a horrible day at work (made a huge work related mistake) so I was already upset. I was also still mad about this morning. I tried talking to him but we argued bc neither of us believed the others version of what happened. Ryan was bawling in the backseat (i was outside our house in my car, we were on the phone. He started saying we are incompatable and that our relationship isnt working. He started talking about moving to his parents , who would have custody, ect. I was crying and kept saying that we werent agreeing so he said f you I want a divorce and hung up the phone on me. LB, what exactly were you saying, and how were you saying it? It seems like a huge leap to go with you "trying to talk to him" to him saying "eff you, I want a divorce" and hanging up on you. I suspect you weren't fighting fair...? We got in the house and started talking about the fact that I resent him so much and i told him all the things that were red flags that i overlooked when we were dating. Same thing here. We know how he's behaving, and what he's saying, but your side of the story is missing. Can you elaborate?
Star Gazer Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 And what the f does he mean 'didn't offer to pay'...? That's just being ludicrous and grasping at straws... He's talking BS and you know it..... I don't agree that he's grasping at straws, or talking BS, about this. They've been fighting (not disagreeing, but fighting) about money since as early as 2007.
Nyla Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 LB, I think that you got caught up in the excitement of getting married. You wanted to marry and become a mother so much, that all of the obvious reasons not to faded into the background. I know you don't want a divorce, but look at what you have to tolerate to stay in your marriage. Is this the dynamic that you want your son to see? He may not understand what is happening, but I can assure you that your son can feel the tension. Your husband does not want to be married to you. His threats have gone from mentioning divorce in anger to actually planning. Your husband has been saying nasty things about your marriage for a long time and now he is being serious. Think about what you want your son to see, as well as what you deserve as a human being and as a wife. 3
Nyla Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 LB, what exactly were you saying, and how were you saying it? It seems like a huge leap to go with you "trying to talk to him" to him saying "eff you, I want a divorce" and hanging up on you. I suspect you weren't fighting fair...? Same thing here. We know how he's behaving, and what he's saying, but your side of the story is missing. Can you elaborate? Why does it have to be LB who isn't fighting fair? We have already seen that her husband has a tendency to escalate things and be verbally abusive, so it is not fair to assume that this latest argument was her fault.
Nyla Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 That's not what it's about, LB.... It's not what he does, it's establishing where your tolerance levels are.... Yours seem to be set pretty high. Many, many women here, wouldn't permit things to escalate to the limits you have. There again, many many women here have had previous experience, and their own standards have shifted.... That's not to say you're bad at this or have made poor choices. But I think that having had broader experiences, many women here might be telling you - you need to draw a line in the sand - and sooner rather than later.... This is so true. I tolerated far more from men before I was 25. If I was single now, the two idiotic abusive men whom I was with in my early twenties couldn't even hold my hand. My self-esteem is much higher.
Star Gazer Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Why does it have to be LB who isn't fighting fair? We have already seen that her husband has a tendency to escalate things and be verbally abusive, so it is not fair to assume that this latest argument was her fault. I didn't suggest that. You're jumping to conclusions. That said, it takes two people to participate in an argument, and one doesn't usually scream "F YOU! I want a divorce!" and hang up the phone without having some sort of heated discussion take place first. All we're hearing is what he's doing; her role is absent from these explanations. Are you suggesting that she's not contributing to these arguments at all, either in her choice of words or how she's saying them? Perhaps she's been perfect, but who is? And you really don't know, do you? Further, have you read her threads since she started here? He's always been OCD, he's always been controlling, but LB's had her own flaws too, one being how she engages in arguments, and thinking fighting (even often) is normal.
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