I'm falling apart at the seams.

[Lauriebell82]

He does know what I do.

 

I wasnt expecting all our problems to be solved. But he just went on and on about his approach but it was hard to follow because he talked in circles. It was way too long winded. He didnt ask us anyway questions he just talked. He only asked how long we had been married. I didnt feel any kind of connection to him because he just talked about his approach and about his experiences. He used us as examples, which I was thinking that we are right here!

[tbf]

Counselors are supposed to discuss with the client what form of therapy they will be using, and help the client to understand the concept. There are many different types of therapeutic orientations, and every counselor has their own theoretical orientation. They are not all the same. He was introducing them to his methods/theoretical orientation. This is what is supposed to be done in the first or initial sessions. This is what marriage and family therapists are instructed to do, and is a part of the initial therapy. The actual working stage will be in the middle portion of therapy, so I think it would be a mistake to quit after just one session. It's a mistake to expect some instantaneous results or insights in the first session. The therapist is providing them with his orientation, and is gathering background information. This is what he is supposed to do in the first session or first few sessions.

Not all therapists are the same. This is not what we experienced for family counseling, when we went for grief counseling after our miscarriage.

 

It also doesn't take an hour to explain methodology unless a lot of questions were asked.

[tbf]

He does know what I do.

 

I wasnt expecting all our problems to be solved. But he just went on and on about his approach but it was hard to follow because he talked in circles. It was way too long winded. He didnt ask us anyway questions he just talked. He only asked how long we had been married. I didnt feel any kind of connection to him because he just talked about his approach and about his experiences. He used us as examples, which I was thinking that we are right here!

Get a new one. A therapist who can't shut up is someone to avoid.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I have not read this whole thread yet, but I feel terrible on your behalf. I know that somehow, you're going to pick up all the pieces that feel like they're crumbling away.

 

I would really like you to call upon a trusted friend now. Get some support and love, and if you need it, brainstorm a game plan for changing this course.

[anne1707]

Get another counsellor asap. This one sounds bad to me.

[carhill]

Update: we went to counseling and it didnt go well. The therapist just rambled and did a whole speel about his appproach to counseling. I gave him info on our situation and he totally deflected. I think he did it so we would come back which I understand. So husband was angry bc he felt uncomfortable and didnt like it. I explained that the next session probably be that way. We argued in the car and he was really mad. He said he would go again only to make me happy. I am very disappointed.

Sorry to read this, but it isn't uncommon. It wasn't a good fit for you and H. That happens. It's the same as any two people fitting well or not. Given your profession, I would think you could solicit a number of referrals to professional psychologists to interview. One of them is bound to be a good fit.

 

I recall, at our first MC session, our psychologist asked a lot of questions and mostly listened, then made arrangements to interview each of us separately to gain background information. He's a forensic psychologist who specializes in abuse, as my exW had abuse in her background. Nevertheless, the 'fit' felt right, unlike your experience. He asked us directly about that issue and encouraged us to ask for a referral if we didn't feel comfortable.

 

Don't lose hope. It'll work out.

[KathyM]

It takes at least an hour to get all the background information, explain his orientation, and listen to the clients' view of their situation. Although I don't know how this man interacted with them, I'm just saying that the first session is normally more business-like, where information is gathered and the orientation is explained, and no actual work is being done in the initial intake session.

[xxoo]

Switch counselors. Whatever that guy's approach is, it isn't a match for you two.

 

It narrows down what you are looking for in a counselor, though. Less talk, more action.

[KathyM]

I'm sorry, what part of Lauriebelle's comments did you not get? As a counsellor herself, i think she's more than qualified to be able to assess what an utter waste of time it was.

 

If you're in counselling as a profession, it's worrying that you hear, but you don't listen, yourself.

 

You don't seem to be getting this at all....

I heard her. I know what she is saying. I understand what she is saying. I'm just suggesting that she consider that the first session tends to be more businesslike, where office policies are discussed and the client is acclimated to the therapist's approach, so it may be premature to quit based on just the initial session. But I can't know what was actually said, or what his demeanor was. Only she knows that. I'm just giving a perspective that she may want to give it another session or two before judging it as a poor fit.

[xxoo]

Kathy, many of us have had first sessions with a counselor before. Some of us have had first sessions more than once! We know what is normal, and it isn't normal to leave feeling the way Lauriebell describes.

[Lauriebell82]

I see what you mean Kathy, but this guy went way overboard. I usually dont get right into therapy with my first session clients, but I at least ask them questions and let them tell me history of their addiction and then i throw my input in. IMO a counselor doesnt need to spend an hour explaining their approach. He didnt even tell us his policies and about confidentialy bc I prefilled out paperwork that he emailed me so we could have the entire session to talk!

[KathyM]

Kathy, many of us have had first sessions with a counselor before. Some of us have had first sessions more than once! We know what is normal, and it isn't normal to leave feeling the way Lauriebell describes.

I think it happens fairly often, that people come into marriage counseling wanting fast results, or wanting to start working on issues right away, and they get a little taken aback after the first session where they feel they didn't get anything out of it, so they quit, or they keep bouncing from counselor to counselor, without getting to the actual working stage. On the other end of the spectrum, there are counselors that say little to nothing in the initial session or subsequent sessions, and the clients drop out because they feel they only end up hearing each other rehash all their grievances, and the counselor is like a bump on a log with little to nothing to say, and no progress is made. I think it takes a few sessions to really get a feel for how well of a fit the counselor will be. I've been to marriage counselors before as a client. So has my sister. It becomes frustrating when all the therapist does is listen without giving any perspective, guidelines, input, and it's just rehashing week after week. That has been my sister's multitude of experiences in therapy, and I have seen that first-hand myself. The counselor that actually made a huge difference in my marriage when we were going through a rough patch was one that had a very specific approach. Very specific guidelines. Specific techniques. And I learned a tremendous amount from him, and I credit him for saving my marriage. I'm not a fan of counselors who have very little to say. We go to counseling for his expertise and his guidance. Many marriage therapists have very little to say, and I think that is where people end up quitting in the middle of therapy because they realize they are not getting anything out of it, and they are only there listening to each other rehash the weekly events week after week, with little to no input from the counselor.

[KathyM]

I see what you mean Kathy, but this guy went way overboard. I usually dont get right into therapy with my first session clients, but I at least ask them questions and let them tell me history of their addiction and then i throw my input in. IMO a counselor doesnt need to spend an hour explaining their approach. He didnt even tell us his policies and about confidentialy bc I prefilled out paperwork that he emailed me so we could have the entire session to talk!

Allright, well you know more than we do what his demeanor was, and if it was cold or something that you would find difficult to relate to. It sounds like he already got the intake information from you through a questionnaire before the session even started, and the first session was him explaining his approach. If his approach seems like something you can't relate to, then maybe he is not a good match. But if it's just a matter of him doing most of the talking in the initial session, I'd say you may want to give him another session or two before switching. JMO. You would have more of a feel for his demeanor since you were there.

[Lauriebell82]

Allright, well you know more than we do what his demeanor was, and if it was cold or something that you would find difficult to relate to. It sounds like he already got the intake information from you through a questionnaire before the session even started, and the first session was him explaining his approach. If his approach seems like something you can't relate to, then maybe he is not a good match. But if it's just a matter of him doing most of the talking in the initial session, I'd say you may want to give him another session or two before switching. JMO. You would have more of a feel for his demeanor since you were there.

 

No there was no questionaire, just release and intake forms. So I was hoping that would save some for the session.

[xxoo]

Did he have any assignment for you between this session and the next? Or a questionnaire?

[KathyM]

Kathy likes to argue!

 

I certainly dont want a counselor who isnt going to talk either.

lol. I'm definitely not the passive type that is going to sit there and say uh huh the whole session.

[Lauriebell82]

Did he have any assignment for you between this session and the next? Or a questionnaire?

 

No, and halfway through the session he was like "we will get to that next session"

[Els]

Sorry to hear the counselling was a flop, LB. Hope you find a more suitable one soon.

[Lauriebell82]

Update: weekend was wonderful despite counseling being a flop. I also took everyones advice and shared in childcare and it worked great. It brought us closer together. My husband made several comments that could have been controlling ones but they were nice and respectful.

 

So this morning I was Making coffee and when I poured the water in and it all came gushing out everywhere. Husband was laying on the couch so i asked him to come help me. He said no and that i should clean it up myself because i was the one who did it and then i will then know to check next time. WHAT???? Where did my sweet husband go? So I confronted him and asked him why he made such a rude comment and was being so mean. He avoided the question and said i was being too sensitive and that i was acting hysterical.

[denise_xo]

Update: weekend was wonderful despite counseling being a flop. I also took everyones advice and shared in childcare and it worked great. It brought us closer together. My husband made several comments that could have been controlling ones but they were nice and respectful.

 

So this morning I was Making coffee and when I poured the water in and it all came gushing out everywhere. Husband was laying on the couch so i asked him to come help me. He said no and that i should clean it up myself because i was the one who did it and then i will then know to check next time. WHAT???? Where did my sweet husband go? So I confronted him and asked him why he made such a rude comment and was being so mean. He avoided the question and said i was being too sensitive and that i was acting hysterical.

 

I don't really know what to say, but I'd never accept that kind of behaviour, and neither would my husband if I did it to him.

[denise_xo]

Update: we went to counseling and it didnt go well. The therapist just rambled and did a whole speel about his appproach to counseling. I gave him info on our situation and he totally deflected. I think he did it so we would come back which I understand. So husband was angry bc he felt uncomfortable and didnt like it. I explained that the next session probably be that way. We argued in the car and he was really mad. He said he would go again only to make me happy. I am very disappointed.

 

In that case, has he suggested an alternative approach to dealing with the issues you are both having? Because the issue here isn't 'him making you happy' or vice versa, but rather both of your working through the problems with an equal sense of responsibility.

[pcplod]

LB

 

Your post is a mature one and there has been a lot of comments already. I haven't read them all. Firstly, the counselling problem is an aside. Different counsellors will take different approaches and maybe some don't take the same account of the money and clock that others do. Where money is not a prime consideration I have found my experience to be much like the one you had. I wouldn't have sweated it that much.

 

Your husband strikes me as an impulsive character who doesn't spend much time and energy reflecting on his actions even as far as they might affect even his own interests, never mind yours. As long as he persists in not really accepting that he has issues that need to be dealt with in his own interest, there will be no solution. Much like a drug or alcohol or other addict. Leading a horse to water and all that jazz.

 

You, well, you do have a self-esteem issue, but I suspect that there are more fundamental aspects to it all. It's the possible detail that leads you to have poor self-esteem that is the real issue. Firstly, consider your coping strategies, or more likely, the lack of them. I will suggest to you that we all fail at some point, therefore we have to know what that is like and know or learn how we might cope with it. Struggling is a worthwhile experience but only if we learn to deal with it successfully. There is the Catch-22. Linked to that, I will ask you have you ever heard of the term "Catastrophic Thinking"?. If not, google it and read up on it and see what you think, whether it applies to you, even in part. It certainly did for me in the end, not that long ago but with the benefit of hindsight, I now believe that I was struggling with it for a long time beforehand but just did not see it for exactly what it was. It only took a catalyst, the straw to the camel's back, to eventually bring things crashing down around me in a frankly disastrous fashion. The pity is that it should not have happened, if only I had the benefit of the foresight. It was, essentially, a self-fulfilling prophesy, which is a double-tragedy. I think you need to consider whether you are unwittingly leading yourself there. Essentially, you know you can't avoid failure so you need to know you can cope with it and how you are going to cope with it. You need to allow yourself to imagine it happening and how you would work your way out of it or around it. You could find it liberating.

 

You might also want to consider how your relative psychological and emotional short-comings are actually fuelling one another's weaknesses in that wholly destructive way.

 

I am more concerned that your husband does accept that he has his issues but despite that he doesn't really understand what that means, what impact that it is having on the relationship between you. I also have just a feeling that maybe you don't fully appreciate the impact that you have on him, especially knowing as you do what his weaknesses are. I suspect that you are still just that wee bit too ready to accept excuses for yourself. Whether any excuses are valid or not, I would suggest to you that accepting them actually isn't helping you. That is you alone.

 

I appreciate that this may be rambling and incoherent. I am just drawing on aspects of my own recent f**k-ups, which I frankly have far from sorted out for myself. I may refer to them as "f**k-ups" but to be honest I have given up long ago on berating myself over them, real or not. I am firmly convinced that before I can deal with any other real issues I need to learn to be just a bit more forgiving and kind to myself. That doesn't mean that I let myself off scot-free!

 

By the way, does your workplace conduct any form of at least annual performance review process? I think that if you were involved in that sort of thing that it would help you get an overall, long-term perspective on your competence in work, rather than reacting catastrophically to single events.

 

Working in any aspect of social welfare these days is a pressure-keg environment as demands and workload increase and the $h1t-media indulges constantly in it's favourite blood-sport, bait the public worker, especially social workers and their ilk. On that basis, performance review and work-related stress counselling she be regarded as essential components of successful service delivery management.

Edited May 20, 2013 by pcplod

[Nyla]

Update: weekend was wonderful despite counseling being a flop. I also took everyones advice and shared in childcare and it worked great. It brought us closer together. My husband made several comments that could have been controlling ones but they were nice and respectful.

 

So this morning I was Making coffee and when I poured the water in and it all came gushing out everywhere. Husband was laying on the couch so i asked him to come help me. He said no and that i should clean it up myself because i was the one who did it and then i will then know to check next time. WHAT???? Where did my sweet husband go? So I confronted him and asked him why he made such a rude comment and was being so mean. He avoided the question and said i was being too sensitive and that i was acting hysterical.

 

Unless you were screaming and crying, you were not being hysterical. When my husband snaps at me or gets loud when I am not doing the same to him, I calmly remind him that since I am being polite, I expect to be treated with the same courtesy. When my husband hears me say that, he immediately apologizes and changes his tone.

 

I had an ex who constantly told me that I was too emotional. While I am a sensitive person, the real issue was that he was cold and selfish.

 

It is not helpful or kind the way your husband loves to dismiss your feelings.

 

What was your husband like before you got married?

[Star Gazer]

What was your husband like before you got married?

 

Of course LB should answer this, but from those of us who've followed her from the very beginning when she was just dating him... He's always been like this. Selfish, uptight, anal, making LB feel bad.

[Star Gazer]

Update: weekend was wonderful despite counseling being a flop. I also took everyones advice and shared in childcare and it worked great. It brought us closer together. My husband made several comments that could have been controlling ones but they were nice and respectful.

 

So this morning I was Making coffee and when I poured the water in and it all came gushing out everywhere. Husband was laying on the couch so i asked him to come help me. He said no and that i should clean it up myself because i was the one who did it and then i will then know to check next time. WHAT???? Where did my sweet husband go? So I confronted him and asked him why he made such a rude comment and was being so mean. He avoided the question and said i was being too sensitive and that i was acting hysterical.

 

I'm glad you had a nice weekend, but I would caution you against thinking that one weekend could have or may have fixed everything, or been a sign of the same. There will be ebbs and flows, even as progress is being made.

 

Also, "where did my sweet husband go?" confused me. I would have thought the opposite way, like over the weekend, "Where did my arsehole husband go? I like this one better!" Ya know?