Citizen Erased Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Yeah, it is recent. Past 2 months or so I'd say. Pretty much every argument he says it now. So maybe like past 4 arguments? The initial recant is sort of half fast, but the next day usually he will say how much he loves me, how he wants to be with me forever and loves our family, ect. It's like his brain snaps back to reality over night or something. So I have no idea how he really feels. How do you react when he brings up divorce? Is that an acceptable thing for you, to be threatened with divorce every time you disagree with each other? 6
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 How do you react when he brings up divorce? Is that an acceptable thing for you, to be threatened with divorce every time you disagree with each other? No, it's not acceptable. As I said, this is a recent development so I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing. 2
Nyla Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 It sounds like your husband is trying to control you by bringing up divorce....like it is a way of keeping you "in line" if you do something that displeases him. Unfortunately, since your husband is anal and has OCD it is very hard to make him happy. He might be stressed out with all the demands of being a father and a husband. This is not an excuse for his behavior though. Have you thought about marriage counseling? 5
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 It sounds like your husband is trying to control you by bringing up divorce....like it is a way of keeping you "in line" if you do something that displeases him. Unfortunately, since your husband is anal and has OCD it is very hard to make him happy. He might be stressed out with all the demands of being a father and a husband. This is not an excuse for his behavior though. Have you thought about marriage counseling? Yeah, and I know he has these issues. They are more annoying then anything else. On a scale of anality (if thats a word?) I would rate him a 3. The divorce thing is weird though, it just crept in all of the sudden. Its not a usual theme. I made an apointment for Friday but he cant get out of work early now...or doesnt want to... I am going to go myself, the therapist also does individual counseling. Hopefully he will want to go at some point though. He needs someone other then me to tell him to chill out.
Els Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 LB, I know what it's like to have OCD, and the key in dealing with it is self-awareness. Your H needs to understand that he has a problem, and to realize that he needs to deal with it. Not project it upon you. What has he done to work on his issues so far? It's great that you're going to go for IC yourself, but you need two hands to clap. 5
xxoo Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Threatening divorce for these small issues simply isn't "fighting fair". Walk away (take a time out, plus remove the reinforcement of a big reaction), and return when cooler heads prevail. Tell him that a divorce comment is an automatic conversation-ender from here on out. If he says it, he loses your attention, guaranteed. Ask him what is triggering him. What is it that you said/did in the moment that made him feel that desperate. For example, what exactly do you mean by "snapping at him"? Does that involve insults or name calling? Is there a point where you are fighting unfairly, that triggers him to throw out the divorce card? 5
TigerCub Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 LB, your post made me really sad for you I hope the skies clear soon. I'm sorry that your husband is acting like a jerk. You need to tell him that whenever he threatens to walk away, it does destroy your faith in the relationship and in him. Tell him those things and honestly, if it were me, I would tell him, the next time he says it, I'm calling his bluff and tossing his bags out for him. I don't blame you for how this all makes you feel. I'm not sure if counseling has been mentioned, but I think that you guys could use a few sessions with a counselor that will help you both voice your feelings and communicate better and learn how to be more supportive to one another. When I'm so down I try to think of all the things that are actually good in my life. You should make a list of the good things to help put things in perspective. I'll start it for you: - Your wonderful son - The job that you like (even if it causes a little stress) - Your health - Having LSers that care about you ...take it from there LB Hang in there - everything passes. ***HUGS*** 2
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) So my husband recanted his divorce statements this morning. He said he could never leave me, loves me so much, ya day ya day ya da. I feel like there are only so many times he can say it without it losing value. I am confused. Edited May 14, 2013 by Lauriebell82 1
denise_xo Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 So my husband recanted his divorce statements this morning. He said he could never leave me, loves me so much, ya day ya day ya da. I feel like there are only so many times he can say it without it losing value. I am confused. Tell him that. 1
donnabella8 Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 LB, I don't recall if anyone mentioned this already, but is it at all possible that your husband may be having an affair? Hoping and praying that's not the case, but I'm hearing warning bells . . .
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 LB, I don't recall if anyone mentioned this already, but is it at all possible that your husband may be having an affair? Hoping and praying that's not the case, but I'm hearing warning bells . . . It crossed my mind. I would say no though, he is so OCD that he would think having sex with a random woman would be dirty. I also dont think he would ever do that because it would hurt our son too much. He has said in the heat of the moment that the only reason he wouldnt want a divorce was because of our son.
Star Gazer Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 It crossed my mind. I would say no though, he is so OCD that he would think having sex with a random woman would be dirty. I also dont think he would ever do that because it would hurt our son too much. He has said in the heat of the moment that the only reason he wouldnt want a divorce was because of our son. If you've ever ventured into the OW forum, that's what keeps most MM having affairs in their marriages. Affairs can also be emotional. I'm not sure that's it though, as he's always been snappy towards you. :::hugs:::
carhill Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Threatening divorce for these small issues simply isn't "fighting fair" Yep, that's a gunshot to the heart of the M. Once the words are uttered, they can never be retracted, even if, as H did, one 'recants'. It's out there. OP, can you accept that you have no control over what your H does? I see most of the discussion focused on him, which would be fine if he were here asking for help and support. He isn't. Given the communication so far, I'd make an appointment with a MC and ask him to join me, if nothing else to work on communication and to clarify the 'divorce' rants and recants. Accept his answer. Good luck.
Star Gazer Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Given the communication so far, I'd make an appointment with a MC and ask him to join me, if nothing else to work on communication and to clarify the 'divorce' rants and recants. Accept his answer. Good luck. She's already doing that. 1
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 If you've ever ventured into the OW forum, that's what keeps most MM having affairs in their marriages. Affairs can also be emotional. I'm not sure that's it though, as he's always been snappy towards you. :::hugs::: Yeah, I dont think he is cheating honestly. These arent new issues. About 85% everything is fine, the other 15% is difficult. He is getting more upset then he used to about the 15%. I have had low self esteem and insecurity for 6 years and he never mentioned breaking up at all. He told me he is finally at his breaking point which sucks.
carhill Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I'm reinforcing the choice, since she stated 'Friday'. She hasn't started counseling yet.
Star Gazer Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Yeah, I dont think he is cheating honestly. These arent new issues. About 85% everything is fine, the other 15% is difficult. He is getting more upset then he used to about the 15%. I have had low self esteem and insecurity for 6 years and he never mentioned breaking up at all. He told me he is finally at his breaking point which sucks. I don't get the cheating sense either. Perhaps the counseling/therapy will benefit you enough such that he'll "break" less, or help you cope with his snappishness so that the arguments don't devolve into throwing the D word out. You have a beautiful baby boy, and you can't control your parents. So, let's move on to the next thing. What's going on with work? Are you just nervous because of what happened before with your old jobs? Learn from those experiences, but don't let them haunt you. You've grown a TON over these years.
2sunny Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I hope your therapist can help you with your self esteem issues. Any idea what causes you to feel this way about yourself?
Treasa Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I've been following your drama (and yes, it has almost always seemed like drama) since the days when you were talking about him and wanting him to propose, a full year before he did so. I thought he was a controlling dickwad even back then. I know I'm not you, and I know I can be sort of confrontational, but I would have divorce papers, and the next time he mentions it, slam them down on the table and tell him to fill them out. If he looks shocked, I would calmly state that he either puts up or shuts up. Either do the divorce or stop using it as ammunition, but my head is NOT his little ****toy anymore, and if he brings it up again in an argument, I'm taking the child and leaving and ending it for good. And if he's not taking MC seriously, then I don't think it's going to do much for him. If he valued this enough, he'd do whatever it takes to make it work. 6
Star Gazer Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I've been following your drama (and yes, it has almost always seemed like drama) since the days when you were talking about him and wanting him to propose, a full year before he did so. I thought he was a controlling dickwad even back then. I know I'm not you, and I know I can be sort of confrontational, but I would have divorce papers, and the next time he mentions it, slam them down on the table and tell him to fill them out. If he looks shocked, I would calmly state that he either puts up or shuts up. Either do the divorce or stop using it as ammunition, but my head is NOT his little ****toy anymore, and if he brings it up again in an argument, I'm taking the child and leaving and ending it for good. And if he's not taking MC seriously, then I don't think it's going to do much for him. If he valued this enough, he'd do whatever it takes to make it work. Yeah, I don't think this is a good idea for LB. 2
dichotomy Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Work on what you can work on right now - what you can control - you. I understand self esteem issues, and how they can add to problems in any relationship. It will help both you and the marriage if you can improve your self esteem. IC is great. Try to be balanced when you talk to counseler - your issues and faults - and your husbands. It sounds like your marriage has changed dynamics (your working) etc..but also sounds like the balance of the marriage and your history shows it is good right? So this is a new and recent thing. Throwing out the divorce card in an argument is bad..... The onlything I could think to say to your husband (and I am a guy) would be "Oh ya? well I don't give up that easy! so buck up honey you and I are in this thing together so try another way to tell me what you need...cause a divorce ain't it!" 1
tbf Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Lb, I've struggled to think of what to say to you that might be helpful to circumvent the possibilities of divorce and can't think of anything beyond reiterating the MC suggestion. It's important that you get your H to go. "These threats of divorce aren't helping our marriage since the thought of our family breaking apart is devastating to me and is and will be emotionally devastating to our son. Even though he's just a baby, he can sense the tension and (possibly hear the) fighting. We need an environment where we can openly discuss the problems of our marriage, where someone with a lot more knowledge can help guide us through our issues. You know I have low self-esteem. I know you have OCD. Do you think that running away from our problems will change our low self-esteem/OCD issues or do you want to fight for our family and son, by getting to the bottom of our problems and possibly create a game plan going forward, through marriage counseling?" Beyond that, much sympathy, compassion and hugs. What a horrible time for your husband to expect even more from you. Your original agreement was that you would be able to stay home with your baby for a much longer time. Then, according to your husband, your bank balance couldn't support this so you were forced to go back to work. Now he's demanding that you get some self-esteem even though you fear losing your job, or else he plays the D word. I don't know of any husbands who would be so unsupportive through such trying times. If anything, your husband is emotionally cutting you off at the knees when you need him most. 4
KathyM Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Unfortunately, some couples throw around the divorce threat way too easily in order to get the upper hand in an argument. Most of the time, they don't really mean it and it is just said in the heat of the moment, but the damage it does to the marriage is significant. You both need marriage counseling, as you know, and it's good that you have made the appointment. Hopefully he will be willing to join you at some point. You are both going through a transition time, being the parents of a baby, and that is putting a lot of stress on the marriage and the two of you. That is probably why your husband is acting out more, because he is under more stress, and unfortunately, he is taking it out on you. He needs IC to work on his issues of OCD, which are negatively affecting your marriage. You need IC to work on your issues of low self esteem. You need to be able to have a strong self esteem that comes from within you and is not so threatened by the passive aggressive comments that your husband makes. You need to be able to attribute your husband's comments as a reflection of him and his issues and his OCD, rather than a reflection of you, and to be able to see things more clearly. You may want to look into a low cost counseling center, since there would be three separate counselors needed (one for the marriage and one for each of you). That would be your best chance of turning things around. If that's not doable, then MC at the very least. Don't threaten divorce yourself. Don't try to trump his threats of divorce. Don't escalate the situation. You need to learn to respond appropriately to these passive aggressive comments of your husband. When he makes a dig, you need to respond with a short but firm "I don't want to hear that from you", and then walk away. Do not give audience to these comments. Do not let it rile you up or pull you into an argument. That is what he is trying to do. Nothing can be resolved when people are yelling at each other, so don't even go there. This is not a contest where someone needs to be the winner and someone the loser. If one partner is out of control in a discussion, then the thing to say is "I can see you are too upset right now to discuss this. We can continue the discussion when you are calmer." You need to set boundaries with him and not allow yourself to be drawn into these heated arguments. And don't even discuss at all these minor digs. Respond to those types of things with a boundary enforcer, such as "Stop" or "I don't want to hear that from you." Those types of things do not warrant discussion or any further attention from you. Do not allow them to draw you into an argument. Stick with the marriage counseling, and if he won't go at first, you should go yourself. Your baby needs you to be strong and hold it together. There is a lot you can do to get your power back and to help the situation at home. A change in your behavior can affect the way your husband behaves also, and setting boundaries with what you will listen to is one way to get your power back, and one way to strengthen your self esteem. 4
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 Spoke with my husband. He agreed to counseling. We agreed never to mention divorce in fights because neither of us have any intention of following through. I still want to pursue IC with the therapist in addition. You guys are helpful, thanks! Moving on... This thread kind of veered off into marriage issues, which isnt really what is making me so upset. I reapplied for my old full time job that i quit when My son was born. They passed me over and hired someone else then told me they no longer needed me part time. They gave me a good reference for my current job (which i like much better). So I am so scared that I will mess up and get myself fired.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 Oh and marriage related feedback/advice are still welcome. I am not cutting off that discussion completely.
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