I'm falling apart at the seams.

[xxoo]

Second said that he wants our family to be happy, that he wants us to love and support each other and be together until we are old and grey, and that he loves me with all of his heart. Oy.

Sorry for the length of this.

 

Ask him to find and make an appt with a marriage counselor. It is time for him to invest, and do some of the work. Also, he may be more patient with a marriage counselor he selects.

 

You've been chasing him for a long time. It's time for him to show you that he really wants to be where he says he wants to be. With that, you need to have the confidence to let him go if he wants to go. What good is it to keep him, if he is only going to treat you badly?

[Zapbasket]

I haven't posted on here much these past few years, but I have followed your threads here and there, LB, and I just want to say I'm sorry for what you're going through. Whatever the outcome of your current difficulties, you have grown so much over the past I don't know how many years; that growth is evident in your threads. You have the strength and the awareness to cope with whatever comes, be it hard work together to work on your marriage, or divorce and its unsettling aftermath. I wish you all the very best.

[tbf]

Second said that he wants our family to be happy, that he wants us to love and support each other and be together until we are old and grey, and that he loves me with all of his heart. Oy.

Sorry for the length of this.

Time for more talk about the bolded text. Ask him how he envisions this. What does love and support each other mean to each of you? Both of you need to write down what this means to you and entails, in terms of behaviours. Then compare the bullet points. Then focus on the bullet points that don't align and discuss how important the item, whether it's a throwaway, can work with compromise or must be addressed by the offending individual.

[Nyla]

Would you and your husband still be committed to the marriage if you did not have a child?

 

I'm asking because it seems like that is the main reason he is staying.

[Lauriebell82]

Would you and your husband still be committed to the marriage if you did not have a child?

 

I'm asking because it seems like that is the main reason he is staying.

 

I think that we get so frustrated at our differences that we dont know what else to do but split up and we use Ryan as a reason to stay. When we are no longer frustrated then its not about just Ryan its about us also and that we love each other. Not a healthy dynamic, I know.

 

Would be still be committed if Ryan didnt exist? I don't know. I think we probably try harder to work out our problems because of him, but he isnt the sole reason why we stay married.

[Nyla]

Okay, I have a few minutes free right now. Crazy morning, 5 clients in a row. Did keep my mind off things though.

 

First to clarify about the f you and hang up thing. I called him a control freak and that he was twisting the whole thing around on me. I was wrong too, I am certainly not perfect and I absolutely contribute to the dynamic. I make him out to be the bad guy, but the reality is that its both of us. I hope that clarified it.

 

So a lot happened since I posted last. I think I left off at him being in his office? So he finally came upstairs and we went back throught out our entire relationship. We also talked about who we had dated prior to us getting together. We talked about all the turbulance of our relationship andin detail the red flags. (ie. I spilled a drink on his shirt and shot me a dirty look and ran upstairs.) I think there is a thread about that. Anyway, we talked about how we argued about money and how I thought the man paid and he thought it was equal. Red flag. Sexual incompatibilty was another one (no oral). I had ants in old apartment and it was messy. Red flag for him. So basically we ignored all the signs that there were because we loved each other.

 

I asked him why he married me. His response tore me up, I dont even want to post it because its too painful. Or that I will be judged. We agreed that we got married for the wrong reasons and talked about where that left us. We talked in detail about divorcing but in a hypothetical sense (if we were to divorce). Seems to me that means neither of us are sure. So I couldnt take the discussion anymore and said i didnt want a divorce. I asked him and he said he didnt know.

He said he didnt want Ryan to have divorced parents though and that he would be the one to suffer

We left it at that for awhile. He went upstairs and when i came up he said he didnt want a divorce that he wanted to work things out. We kissed but things were still a little weird.

 

Fast forward to this morning. I was unsure after what went down so i asked him if he wanted to be married to me. He said that of course he did, he loves me and ryan and our family. So of course i am confused. I get to work and recieve texts from him. First one said: our past does not have to be our future. Second said that he wants our family to be happy, that he wants us to love and support each other and be together until we are old and grey, and that he loves me with all of his heart. Oy.

Sorry for the length of this.

 

Have you asked your husband why he keeps mentioning divorce if that isn't what he wants?

 

I would not have been able to marry a man who did not like to give or receive oral. I also would not be able to stay with a man who was unclean. It isn't attractive; I dated two different men who were pigs and I was never comfortable at their homes.

 

The issues with money, sex and housework should have been worked out before marriage. My husband and I had so many hours long conversations about what we expected of each other before we were engaged.

 

If the reasons your husband married you are too terrible to think about, that is yet another huge red flag. Perhaps you should not ignore that...it hasn't been helpful to overlook glaring issues before.

[sunshinegirl]

LB, I'm so sorry! You've gotten some good input on this thread and I don't think I can add anything to it. Big hugs to you and baby Ryan.

[Els]

LB, we have talked at length about the reason your H is choosing to stay.

 

What about you? What is the reason you choose to stay, despite the poor treatment? What exactly scares you about divorce?

[Lauriebell82]

We talked about the issues before marriage, mostly coming up with compromises that we both could live with. In doing that though, we built up resentment over what we didnt have.

 

The reason he said he married me was that he thought he couldnt find any better. The comment stung at the time, but I felt the same way looking back. We dont feel that way about each other now.

 

Why I dont want a divorce:

Despite our differences I love him.

I would miss the wonderful times we have had together.

I do not want to be a singles parent.

It would be horrible for Ryan.

I do not want to sell our house.

I do not want to live in a crappy 1 bedroom apartment.

I do not want to take off my beautiful engagement and wedding rings.

I do not want to hand over our son for specific amounts of time where he would be with him and I wouldnt (we would share custody)

I love my in laws more then anything and would be heartbroken to lose them.

 

I am sure there are more that I cant think of right now.

[Star Gazer]

The reason he said he married me was that he thought he couldnt find any better. The comment stung at the time, but I felt the same way looking back. We dont feel that way about each other now.

 

That's not a good thing, LB... that each of you now think you can do better.

 

Why I dont want a divorce:

Despite our differences I love him.

I would miss the wonderful times we have had together.

 

You would miss what's in the past. Don't you already miss what's in the past?

 

Would you miss what you have now? Which is a turbulent, emotionally unsatisfying and trying marriage? Where you feel bad all the time?

 

I do not want to be a singles parent.

It would be horrible for Ryan.

I do not want to sell our house.

I do not want to live in a crappy 1 bedroom apartment.

I do not want to take off my beautiful engagement and wedding rings.

I do not want to hand over our son for specific amounts of time where he would be with him and I wouldnt (we would share custody)

I love my in laws more then anything and would be heartbroken to lose them.

 

I'll let those who are/have been married opine further, but as an outsider looking in, those aren't reasons happy people stay in relationships.

[Lauriebell82]

No SG what I meant by "we dont feel that way now" was that we dont feel like we can find better partners now but we might have felt that way when we got married. I dont know, we might have gotten married for the wrong reasons bit we can make it right now.

 

I am not miserable all the time. Yes there are some bad times, but there are good times also that I love. And I know that if we got divorced then I would miss having those good times with hiim.

 

I dont see what is wrong with my list but I do respect your opinion.

[Star Gazer]

No SG what I meant by "we dont feel that way now" was that we dont feel like we can find better partners now but we might have felt that way when we got married.

 

You just said the exact opposite.

 

You said that he married you because he didn't think he could find any better, and that you felt the same way.

[xxoo]

Instability is bad for children. Your son is young now, but a home with parents who have nasty fights and threaten divorce (throwing mom into anxiety) is not healthy for him. Two stable homes would be much healthier. Even one stable home, since that's all that you can provide, and one unstable home is better than no safe, stable home.

 

Material things (house, jewelry) are bad reasons to stay in a marriage. What's better for a child: a peaceful apt, or an explosive house?

 

Living well is the best accessory. That beautiful ring will age you fast, if it means living with this drama for 10 years.

 

None of that is to say that you should not try to fix your marriage. But you shouldn't try alone. If he isn't going to show equal commitment to fixing the marriage, you are better of making a peaceful life for your son on your own.

 

He's got to make a shift in his mind and fully appreciate you as a wife. Right now, he doesn't. He's romanticizing the idea of life without you. It's the easy way out for him. He isn't going to change unless he chooses it. And for him to choose it, you need to allow him to choose. Be willing to let him go. Tell him the you want to be married, but you aren't going to force him, and it is up to him to show that he wants to be married, too. He can do that by leading the way to marriage counseling, doing the legwork, and attending enthusiastically for a start. It's only going to work if he chooses it, and commits.

[xxoo]

You just said the exact opposite.

 

You said that he married you because he didn't think he could find any better, and that you felt the same way.

 

I think she meant that he believed that there were better women, but thought he couldn't personally do better (even though he wanted better).

 

And now he believes he can't do better because there is no better than her.

[Star Gazer]

I think she meant that he believed that there were better women, but thought he couldn't personally do better (even though he wanted better).

 

And now he believes he can't do better because there is no better than her.

 

He sure doesn't act that way with the way he treats her.

[TaraMaiden]

...

Why I dont want a divorce:

Despite our differences I love him.

 

I loved my ex but divorce was still the better option

 

I would miss the wonderful times we have had together.

You can still have those times, because the only place they still exist is in your head. Divorcing doesn't erase memories.

 

I do not want to be a singles parent.

I don't think any parent ever banked on being single,but you wouldn't be alone in that....

 

It would be horrible for Ryan.

What - more or less horrible than having two parents, together, at loggerheads?

 

I do not want to sell our house.

Who says you'd have to? Your son is entitled to a roof over his head. You and your H. are obliged to provide that. It may actually come to you retaining the house for that reason. But fer chrissakes, it's a 'house'. You make a 'home' wherever you want to....

 

I do not want to live in a crappy 1 bedroom apartment.

And you know for sure that would happen, do you?

 

I do not want to take off my beautiful engagement and wedding rings.

They're yours. Do what you want with them. Wearing them isn't against the law....[/b

]

I do not want to hand over our son for specific amounts of time where he would be with him and I wouldnt (we would share custody)

That's just pathetic, LB. Sorry, but it is. I can promise you, hand on heart, not only will you be okay doing that - the opportunity for you to have some child-free 'me' time will be invaluable.

 

I love my in laws more then anything and would be heartbroken to lose them.

Don't be silly. They're Ryan's grandparents. They will want to see him, and they will maintain contact with you.

Just because you divorce, life doesn't end.... In fact, it opens doors, often, to new and improved opportunities.

 

I am sure there are more that I cant think of right now.

I sincerely hope they'll be more realistic than these are, so far.....

 

Responses in Bold.....

[tbf]

Lb, Ryan's around a year old now. How's your sex life?

[Lauriebell82]

I am at the point where I am not entertaining the idea of divorce. I love my husband and I want to work things out. I want my son to have two loving parents and I want us to work our problems so we can provide him with that. I am extremely against becoming a single parent so i am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

 

Sex life has decreased for sure since Ryan has been born. Maybe thats another reason we are arguing more, because we are missing that intimacy. Husband suggested we go on a romantic weekend somewhere which I think is a good idea.

[xxoo]

It's fine to want to stay married. The reality is that you can't make a healthy marriage unless he is equally committed.

 

A romantic weekend sounds great, but is a bandaid on a gushing wound. Be careful not to accept a cycle of fighting and honeymoon period, without actually addressing the issues.

[sunshinegirl]

I am at the point where I am not entertaining the idea of divorce. I love my husband and I want to work things out. I want my son to have two loving parents and I want us to work our problems so we can provide him with that. I am extremely against becoming a single parent so i am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

 

Sex life has decreased for sure since Ryan has been born. Maybe thats another reason we are arguing more, because we are missing that intimacy. Husband suggested we go on a romantic weekend somewhere which I think is a good idea.

 

LB, I applaud your dedication to your marriage and family. I would be feeling something similar if I were in your shoes. I would just note that you cannot carry this family by yourself. As others have pointed out, your husband must step up and take responsibility for his part in this. As do you, of course.

 

Remember that it really does take two to make it work, and step #1, I think, has to be your husband promising not to throw the D card on the table anymore. It undermines everything else he has to say about wanting you two to stay together. If he's throwing it out in a moment of frustration, then he's got to learn how to better cope with his feelings. If he means it, but is covering up by making nice later, then he owes you his (brutal) honesty. Anything less than that isn't partnership and isn't going to help you two right the ship.

[Els]

Thanks for explaining your reasons, LB.

 

I am at the point where I am not entertaining the idea of divorce. I love my husband and I want to work things out. I want my son to have two loving parents and I want us to work our problems so we can provide him with that. I am extremely against becoming a single parent so i am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

 

I feel you here. I honestly don't think that you should immediately give everything up and leave, either. After all, IMO a relationship has peaks and troughs, and it's not how high you fly during the good times that matters most, but rather how you handle the downs together.

 

The reason I asked, is because I think your fear of divorce is preventing you from holding your ground and steering the conversation into a more productive direction whenever it is mentioned. It seems to trigger something in you, and you seem to crumble into an emotional wreck whenever it's mentioned. I hate to say this, but it almost seems like he's baiting you with it. Because whenever he utters 'that' word, it produces the results that he wants.

 

Is it possible for you to acknowledge that you want to stay and work on this R, but also work on your fear? And for you to be able to set boundaries for what you will and won't tolerate from your H, and assert them?

 

Sex life has decreased for sure since Ryan has been born. Maybe thats another reason we are arguing more, because we are missing that intimacy. Husband suggested we go on a romantic weekend somewhere which I think is a good idea.

 

Sounds like a good idea.