Bringing up The Relationship?

[elsenyor]

My story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/384364-good-breakup-i-think-but-what-now

 

Hi there I've been low contact with my ex now for the duration of the breakup:

 

April 2 - Breakup (very emotional)

 

April 11 - Call initiated by me, was amicable, no talk of relationship, she sounded extremely happy / nervous. She already knew of somethings in my life because of Facebook. I cut it off even though she kept trying to talk.

 

April 22 - I dropped a card off at her work (it was her birthday), there was nothing emotional in it, just a few inside jokes. She called me instantly, again happy / nervous, filled me in a bit on her life. Again I cut it off fairly quickly.

 

May 6 - She initiates chat with me (i cut it off because i was preparing for a job interview)

 

May 10 - I initiate a chat (the conversation was 5 hours but it was like 12 messages, she was busy at work, and when she was finally available i cut it off because I had just arrived to the plaza i was meeting people at...)

 

 

now again I'm going to wait 7 or so days, see if she reaches out, but I want to propose coffee if she does for Saturday.

 

Since the breakup I have not mentioned any talk of it, quite the contrary that I've been out with friends, partying, got a new job offer, etc. (all positive things about me)

 

However my question is when we meet up how could I bring it up if she doesn't? I want to let her know I understand things I did wrong, that I think she is strong for what she did and that it was the only option at the time, and that I would like to work towards something new and better.

Edited May 13, 2013 by elsenyor

[swiftly333]

I think it's best to just keep things happy for now, and bring it when/if you guys start dating regularly again. Too soon might oil it, but I don't know. Really you just have to go based on how you feel when you're with her.

[Treasa]

I don't think you should contact her. Also, stop with the multitudes of positive things about you. If you're constantly doing it, she'll know you're telling her to try to make a point, and it WILL come across as insecure.

 

If you really want to show her how happy you are, live your life without her.

[elsenyor]

She asked how I was, my response: I caught a cold because I was at X town.

I wasn't saying it to make a point, she knows what I do there (party).

 

When I cut off the conversations short:

- I REALLY had to go because I had to prepare for a reunion.

- I REALLY had to go because I was at a plaza meeting friends for dinner.

 

Sure this could come off as "insecure" and trying to shove it in her face and I could say "gotta go" without anything else or simply just stop responding (like i do to other friends), but what image does that give?

 

My goal isn't to show her how happy I am without her, quite the contrary even though good things are happening in my life I was happier with her (I just don't let her know that I was happier with her, because everyone says not to, it's "unattractive").

 

However what I want to do most is apologize which I haven't done (I haven't taken responsibility for anything), I understand WHY it ended (and I think she was right to have done so and that in her shoes I would have done the same, I honestly do think this).

 

By some twist of fate an ex fling (who has no idea about the breakup) suggested I watch the movie Chloe, and my relationship was exactly this... seeing a relationship such as this from an outside perspective brought me to my knees.

 

Furthermore do you say "don't contact her" because you're a NC advocate / have a pessimistic POV that communication is bad? Or is there a legitimate reason?

Edited May 13, 2013 by elsenyor

[Larry56]

Hey,

 

Don't apologize straight away. Seriously....if you're first meeting goes well and it REALLY seems your on the path to dating again. Keep it light and fun. You do not want to open OLD WOUNDS at this point. Trust me bro. Sometime in a few weeks after a bit of ol' crumpet pie, then you can apologize. But do it in the RIGHT WAY. Don't ever try to defend your actions. Acknowledge her feelings. Don't ever diminish the effect of what you did and don't expect forgiveness straight away. A apology is not a "defense".

 

Buuuut...if you really feel the need to say "Sorry"...saying something like this half way through the conversation is OK

 

"Hey look, I just wanted to let you know that some stuff I did while we were together was just not cool of me. And I apologize for that".

 

Now change the subject. and DON'T EXPECT FORGIVENESS

 

Basically you want to keep this short and sweet. But I would recommend you avoid it all together.

[elsenyor]

well ... maybe you guys are right maybe not, but since everyone said it was too early to meet up / bring it up i had essentially just given up, i wanted to feel "closure" by myself move on and send my apology (i did this yesterday).

 

I wrote an email explaining that I can imagine she's already done recovering / well on her way to being completely healed, and that I was well on my way too, that sooner or later one of us would bring up the subject because neither of us knew how we felt since we haven't talked about it since the BU, but to let her know I harbored no negative feelings.

 

I also explained that I realized we weren't going to be meeting up anytime soon so I figured I'd write this out instead of trying to bring it up in person or over the phone and avoid powerful emotions, but that I wouldn't bring up the subject anymore then just this once.

 

I explained I was sorry for my behavior and that I now see how she must have felt, that I in her shoes would've done the same. etc etc.

 

I ended with a:

"I know I probably shouldn't say it but I don't have to act like a tough guy nor do I have to hide anything.

 

I miss you (just a little )."

 

she contacted me today via text:

her: "Hey! I got your email... and I didn't know how to respond..."

her: "When you finish exams and I finish my internship then we can meet up to see each other and talk."

me: "ok sounds good. I'm sure you've got your hands full between ____, ___, and the internships. Keep it up, you're almost done."

her: "yeah I am definitely exhausted... but yeah just a little left!"

her: "Good luck with your exams!"