elsenyor Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 (edited) For those who don't want to read the wall of text, skip to the end with Questions: Well my gf dumped me on tuesday... It was a 1 year relationship, It's been hard and I'm sure I don't have to explain what it feels like... I'm trying to move on but it's killing me... Let me explain how it went down because I'm unsure what to make of it anymore... The Relationship Background: I thought we were a "perfect couple" everyone thought the same, we would give eachother space, we would still hang out with friends, together or alone, there was what she and I considered a great balance. Her family loved me, all her friends loved me, everyone said I was one of the smartest guys they'd ever met, that I was fun to be with, etc nothing ever bad to say. She is turning 26 in 3 weeks and I'm 22. We've talked about living together in the future, she was in the process of moving right now to her home town and I was in the process of getting my license so I could visit her to make distance a non-issue. We had nearly no arguments (except for 2, one on our anniversary that I got angry at her for her behavior, she treated me poorly on that day). I've always thought she had insecurity issues because she'd say things like "when you party don't hit on girls" or "if you're about to cheat on me please call me and break up with me before doing anything with her" well basically that she couldn't trust me. (It probably has to do because I met her in a club too) Few days before the breakup: I recently erased a chat program I used (whatsapp) because I had gotten obsessed with the "last conection time" and I realized that I was becoming obsessed so it was the better move. I don't know if this gave room to feed some insecurities or not but I went out of town so did she, on Friday I called her everything was great. The day after I called and nothing... no answer, called again after 3 hours (00:00) no answer... so i sent a text saying i hope she's having a good time, well talk tomorrow and organize our time together (because we were supposed to meet up the day after). Nothing during the whole night, I went out partied etc etc and then I call her the next morning... No answer, I received a text saying she didn't have the heart to call me, and she needed time alone to think about us... 3 days went by and her family started talking in the group we have in the chat app asking where she was, they havent heard anything from her in 3 days... (so she wasn't even talking to her family).... I sent her a text saying I couldn't take it anymore, not knowing why she needed time, no explanation nothing... it was so sudden, that I'd give her space if she needed it but I needed a reason, not just her disappearing. The Breakup: The day after she agreed and said that she's sorry for just going cold on me but that she needed time to think things through and that I'd have to accept the decision.... That it's not easy on her... etc I told her I'd meet up with her to go pick up my stuff from her house and that we could talk about it in person, because knowing the decision she took I'd rather not do it over the phone... So we met up I waited for her downstairs and before crossing the street she started getting teary eyed... we walked into the portal of her apartment and i rubbed her back saying it's ok... she broke down... i grabbed her and kissed her head... we went to her flat and into the room, sat down I told her I wanted her to be completely sincere even if there was another man and waited for her to talk... She said she was sorry, very sorry but she couldn't go on... that she'd been bottling things up for a few months (she never complained, never had arguments with me, never communicated.... even though i asked her plenty of times if she ever had doubts), and that she was autoconvincing herself saying things were okay but they really werent... She couldn't stop crying, she said on our anniversary she realized that she felt like I had progressed in the relationship and she fell behind... she couldn't keep up, and that she has a serious problem with this because she had this problem with her ex (of 6 years) too, that she bottled everything up until she no longer could.. (he was much more insecure, didn't go out, controlling, etc so she had less to worry about with him i suppose in the sense of going out and meeting other women, though I hardly went out party anymore for her sake). At this point I broke down as well and we both started crying, I wasn't angry at her, but at how stupid the breakup was, I asked her to fight on, that if she's going to be doomed to make the mistake what will change with the next guy? Why not attempt to fix this issue together, with someone she loves, someone with whom she's shared so many fond memories. She said she couldn't fight anymore, she loved me just not enough... I can't fight that... I'm helpless there... She couldn't see our future together anymore We laid down in bed together, crying, cuddling, kissing eachother everywhere but the lips, talked about the good moments / memories. It killed us knowing that we likely couldn't be friends (because we don't live in the same towns, we don't have the same friends, we don't have any similarities but the love we shared for eachother, and how well we got along). She went through many packs of kleenex said it wasn't easy for her... She says that leaving me is harder than staying with me... but its better in the long run. Whenever we hugged it was just a lot more intense emotions and crying, she'd bury her face in my neck, or into my chest... Eventually I got a text from a friend saying he was ready to pick me up whenever... I told her the last memory I wanted of our relationship was to see her smile... I did what I could and got it even though she was crying... I wished her the best of luck and that I hope she finds someone better than me even though that its doubtful because I am the best (it's just me being cocky). And that when my future children ask me about my first gf, it will be her and i will be happy to retell our stories over and over again because we had an amazing relationship. I gave her thanks for being the best first girlfriend I could've ever asked for, and thanks for many other things... That I didn't plan on erasing her from facebook, or erasing any pictures or anything like that. I told her that I didn't expect her to come back but on the offchance that she did that I'd be willing to hear her out depending on how I felt and that I'd start my healing process immediately. She shook her head saying no. She thinks we can be friends just not right now (I don't know if I'll be able to or not, but she is definitely someone important in my life) In the end I sent a text to the family saying thank you for everything, and they responded that they were heartbroken... and that they wished me the best... Final Comments - Now everyone I know with a couple is now considering breaking up with their girlfriends because of what I've gone through... they're all crushed, they thought we were perfect, our relationship was intense, a couple to envy... - Everyone that's seen me since begins to cry when they see me... i'm a very lively person, happy, positive energy... but now i've been changed and am devistated... Questions I Have - Is she going through as much pain as I am? Was it easy for her, or was it just an act? If so why breakup and put yourself through such turmoil? - Is it really a problem she has, insecurities / lack of trust in others? or was something else the issue, another man perhaps, was it me, did i change from the man she originally fell in love with? - We have been NC since... I don't know if I should be doing LC or NC to LC... her birthday is the 22nd should I call? She still is important to me and always will be... - I sometimes have hope even though I know we likely won't get back together... it just creeps up, how do I crush this hope? - Will I be able to be friends with her? - Did the breakup in itself go well? Did I handle it properly / maturely? Edited April 6, 2013 by elsenyor
all_cats_rgray Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 No one can answer the questions above and if they do it's all assumptions, and crystal ball gazing. You want are approval that you handled the situation maturely, does it matter. Good or Bad the break up is a break up. I think your asking us "good break up usually mean reconciliation ?" My crystal ball, isn't working.
guysmily25 Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 I am sitting in my law school library, and your story made me shed a tear for you brother. You gave her a kind and warm reaction at a time you could have been irrational. I think it was the best break up I've heard. She will remember that you asked to see her smile, and how much you loved her. Give her time. A cheesey quote that I'm sure you have heard applies; "If you love her set her free. If she comes back, she is yours forever." A lot of people on this forum will post here and say "No contact she is gone forever! Move on!" On the other hand, I say give it a couple weeks and see if you hear from her. The fact that she is willing to cry with you is very powerful! You handled it maturely, and she knows that. If it were me, I would send her something for her birthday to remind her that not only do you remember, but you also care. 3
CompleteFailure Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Questions: 1. You were there when the two of you were crying, was it sincere? There's your answer. Maybe she broke up because she didn't want to be a burden on you. Maybe she thought you could do better without her and she didn't want to hold you back. Maybe she thought you were no good for her and it was better to end it now instead of leading you on further. You're 22 she's 26, are you ready for kids? Is she? 2. Any and/or all of the above. You said you gave her a hard time on your anniversary, but didn't go into detail. If you think back on that, how hard of a time did you give her? Maybe she saw something in you that reminded her of that past controlling relationship and that triggered some sort of flight response. 3. NC/LC - No comment. Birthday, I would personally send something but I'm not known to make wise decisions. 4. Hope - No comment 5. Can you be friends? In your heart can you? 6. No comment.
Author elsenyor Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the comments. Questions: 2. Any and/or all of the above. You said you gave her a hard time on your anniversary, but didn't go into detail. If you think back on that, how hard of a time did you give her? Maybe she saw something in you that reminded her of that past controlling relationship and that triggered some sort of flight response. I did give her a hard time, i didn't yell or anything, i sat her down and told her exactly what it was i didn't like. sure there were pauses of silence but they were there to see if she could respond, and it made her cry a lot more. She realized i was right and she did ask for forgiveness which i did. To sum up the situation: 1) her dad had broken his shoulder, she hadn't informed me at all on his situation even though i asked her too (whether he had gotten operated, how he was doing etc), she did however inform her ex (he's a doctor and i had no problems with the ex and her being friends up until this date, because at this point i realized she couldn't confide in me, and she could in him but it comes down to what i believe is her lack of communication with her partner and not with her friends because of the possibility a partner may leave her if she shows weaknesses) 2) we had talked that morning rejoicing about the anniversary but for the next 12 hours she hadn't even sent a text or anything, which kind of bugged me knowing it was our anniversary and she did talk to others through the day. 3) I made her and her dad a surprise visit in the hospital, gave her some flowers and her dad some chocolates and she didn't look for a way to place them in water for about 2 days. and on the way home she even put them in the trunk of the car rather than holding them (made me feel quite dumb and unappreciated). 4) it was a 2 - 3 hour trip and the first thing when we get out of the hospital is her saying "when are you going back?" several times, even though i tried shrugging it off (made me feel unwanted), but to her defense i did have university the day after and public transport there is awful (which is why it took 2 - 3 hours when with car itd take 30 minutes to visit) that's about it, let her know my fears, things i didn't like etc. However like i stated before I've only ever gotten mad at her for 2 things and this was the 2nd time so it's not like the whole relationship I ever felt "unwanted"/"unappreciated" or anything of the sort. Edited April 7, 2013 by elsenyor
CompleteFailure Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 (edited) Sometimes we see what we want to see. Maybe in your eyes the fight went well, but maybe underneath she was not happy. 1) He's a doctor, he would BE the person you would WANT to talk to in that kind of situation. Leaving you out of it is not cool, but if you showed signs of jealousy or controlling behavior that is a turnoff. 2) I don't know it would be all speculation. 3) Yea she meant to make you feel like that. 4) Maybe she wanted to know how much time she had with you, maybe she wanted you gone. It doesn't really matter at this point anyways. That whole situation sounds like it was supposed to be about her and her father. It seems like you made it about you and you/her. Honestly you can't do anything to change it anyways. I know that offers little help but its probably better to accept it. What you should be asking is, what can you do now? As for your devastation, I feel for you but can't offer any advice. I haven't figured it out either. Edited April 8, 2013 by CompleteFailure
Author elsenyor Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 Sometimes we see what we want to see. Maybe in your eyes the fight went well, but maybe underneath she was not happy. 1) He's a doctor, he would BE the person you would WANT to talk to in that kind of situation. Leaving you out of it is not cool, but if you showed signs of jealousy or controlling behavior that is a turnoff. 2) I don't know it would be all speculation. 3) Yea she meant to make you feel like that. 4) Maybe she wanted to know how much time she had with you, maybe she wanted you gone. It doesn't really matter at this point anyways. That whole situation sounds like it was supposed to be about her and her father. It seems like you made it about you and you/her. Honestly you can't do anything to change it anyways. I know that offers little help but its probably better to accept it. What you should be asking is, what can you do now? As for your devastation, I feel for you but can't offer any advice. I haven't figured it out either. Her father at that point was fine, and yes I did show jealousy for the first time in the whole relationship... i simply said it bothered me for the first time during our whole relationship (which is completely understandable imo considering its an ex).... in any case.... I'm stuck with the "what can i do now?" because I need help.... im on day 6 of NC and it's getting harder... i have temptations to contact her roomate to indirectly see how my ex is doing, or directly call / text her in a few days.... sure i might change my mind by then... but right now i feel weak.... I believe this temptation is coming from the fact that today i was on the chat app and saw her "last connection time", she had gone to sleep at 11:50 pm and woke up at 5:50 am (which even if she was awake she never connects at that time) so my thoughts are she's not being able to sleep... which in turn makes me grind my teeth and wonder "WHAT IF SHE'S WAITING FOR ME TO INITIATE CONTACt?!" .... *sigh*
uniqwa Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Honestly from my personal experience.. Women are irrational.. meaning we do and say stupid things that we ourselves may not even understand, Take my ex and I for ex.. Same problems insecurity issues.... I don't doubt that she had those problems.. Majority of women have them, they are actually common and her giving into her insecurities and telling you " breakup with me before you cheat", That's insecure AS ****... O_O I was like that with my ex.. It's something that you work on.. You just hang in there because if she loves you then there will be a change that comes from seperating from you. Honestly give her time to grow and gain security with herself, If she doesn't love herself then she won't be good for anyone, She may genuinely feel as though her progress is hindered... I say give her time to mature with herself to become independent rather dependent on you for emotional stability, That does not mean you have to cut all ties, but giving a little break from the relationship, I'd say a few weeks but TALK if neither of you genuinely want to end things.. If she has not bluntly said " I'm over you" but is expressing insecurities then all you can do is talk about it and let her have time to mature (; -FJW 1
CompleteFailure Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 in any case.... I'm stuck with the "what can i do now?" because I need help.... im on day 6 of NC and it's getting harder... i have temptations to contact her roomate to indirectly see how my ex is doing, or directly call / text her in a few days.... sure i might change my mind by then... but right now i feel weak.... I believe this temptation is coming from the fact that today i was on the chat app and saw her "last connection time", she had gone to sleep at 11:50 pm and woke up at 5:50 am (which even if she was awake she never connects at that time) so my thoughts are she's not being able to sleep... which in turn makes me grind my teeth and wonder "WHAT IF SHE'S WAITING FOR ME TO INITIATE CONTACt?!" .... *sigh* This is what I'm talking about, we see what we want to see. Maybe she's up at 5:50am chatting with her doctor ex who has weird shift times? About breaking NC, I didn't last a week(5-6/days. When I broke NC I got all my answers some great, most the same. In hindsight, I would have stayed NC because during that time I was on her mind a lot. That only helped to serve my real agenda(trying to get back with her). That could have taken months, if not years. Though in that time, I would have had the time to regroup, regather and rebuild myself. Now though, that I'm back in her life in a major way, she can't miss me anymore and just expects me to be around. So I've shot myself in the foot. I don't know how to escape without looking even more pathetic so now I have to ride out the storm. So if you really want to break NC, think about what your purpose is. Think clearly on what your previous ending conversations with her were, and whether or not there was an opening for you in it. If you want to get back with her after thinking this through I say go for it, take the chance, profess your love or intentions or whatever else you want. Be sincere, be honest, be vulnerable but also be ready for humiliation and heartbreak. Sometimes you gotta know you did everything you could before you're ready to accept anything else. In any case, good luck. 1
Author elsenyor Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 (edited) If she has not bluntly said " I'm over you" but is expressing insecurities then all you can do is talk about it and let her have time to mature (; she did say she didnt want to get back together in the heat of the moment (but women always change their mind) but thats why she needed 2 days of distance to figure that out (which i find ridiculously little to make that decision after a year)... and furthermore she said she loved me just not enough to keep "fighting" for our love because she went through her insecurities all this time alone... soooo... Think clearly on what your previous ending conversations with her were, and whether or not there was an opening for you in it. The ending / previous conversations was the breakup, hasn't been anything since... before then we were fine... As for now I've overcome the urge, but now I believe I'm entering the "angry" stage. Where I just think **** her and everything about her... that she essentially shat over my heart, and there's no way i can forgive that.... this is an awful storm but thanks for the advice guys. I'm now also contemplating simply not sending anything on her birthday nor even calling (maybe its the angry phase speaking) Edited April 8, 2013 by elsenyor
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