Relationship Troubles

[unsuregirl]

So I have been with this guy for 2 years now. Our relationship has had a TON of ups and downs, and we've broken up temporarily once or twice, but I keep thinking this is the man I am going to marry. It's just that lately, things have been really hard on me. I pay for EVERYTHING.

 

We live together, and he doesn't make enough money and hasn't been able to find a job in 2 years so I pay the rent, bills, food, living, etc. He also doesn't have a working car. His car broke down and he is taking forever to get it fixed (almost 6 months now) and it's just sitting at his mom's house. I am also responsible for a lot of the housework (not all) but I feel as though I am constantly shelling out money, gas or time. For a while, I felt as though it was warranted because I did live with him for about 6 months and didn't pay rent...but I bought food and he was only paying $400 a month, where I now pay $900.

 

 

Last night, we went out to a show that he has been looking forward to for months. He is in a band, and they were opening for a much more well known band. I put my last $20 dollars in my tank to drive out to the show and support him. While there, I had a few beers (4) and got kind of drunk. When I get drunk, I am a little clingy and I can be snippy at times. I thought we were having a great time though until it was 3am and I started crashing...and he got mad at me for not wanting to go to the after party with the "popular" band. I know how important it was to him, and I tried my best to make sure that we were having a good time...but after 4 beers at 3am I was crashing fast.

 

 

He blew up on me. I did promise him I wouldn't get too drunk, and I knew how important this was so I am really just a bad girlfriend? We aren't talking right now and I feel terrible, but I also feel kind of fed up with these constant fights that always seem to be my fault.

I just need some help figuring out what I should do...

Edited May 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[othersideofthepillow]

Umm how old is this guy?

 

Look I KNOW that the economy is tough on everyone and that jobs are hard to come by but is he even making an effort? From the sounds of your post, it seems like since he knows you are doing everything for him (rent, bills, transport, etc) what reason does he have for changing anything?

 

As far as the whole drinks/band/party thing, that's just petty on both your parts. Yes you got a bit "drunker" than you wanted, but you both should be over that by now - so just let it go!

 

If you think that this makes you a bad gf, than you don't think that highly of yourself. Ok, that may sounds a bit harsh but think of it this way, you made a mistake of having a few too many but making a little mistake like that doesn't make you a bad person....you just made a bad choice.

 

It really comes down to what his goals are...if he has no desire to make strides in getting a job or contributing to this relationship than you have 2 choices:

 

1. Be his sugar momma and don't complain..

2. Make him man up and have some responsibilities and be a contributing member of this relationship

 

You've been together for a few years now and none of us online know you or him but IMO you need to figure out first if he is the right man for you to spend your life with not if having 4 beers makes you a bad gf

 

I'd love your opinion on my situation too:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/392846-should-i-just-patient

[lamaga]

Sounds like he is a lazy butt. Ultimatum, maybe?

I was with a guy like this for 3,5 years.

Funny enough the week I broke up with him and threw him out of my apartment, he found a job in a heartbeat...

[unsuregirl]

Umm how old is this guy?

 

Look I KNOW that the economy is tough on everyone and that jobs are hard to come by but is he even making an effort? From the sounds of your post, it seems like since he knows you are doing everything for him (rent, bills, transport, etc) what reason does he have for changing anything?

 

As far as the whole drinks/band/party thing, that's just petty on both your parts. Yes you got a bit "drunker" than you wanted, but you both should be over that by now - so just let it go!

 

If you think that this makes you a bad gf, than you don't think that highly of yourself. Ok, that may sounds a bit harsh but think of it this way, you made a mistake of having a few too many but making a little mistake like that doesn't make you a bad person....you just made a bad choice.

 

It really comes down to what his goals are...if he has no desire to make strides in getting a job or contributing to this relationship than you have 2 choices:

 

1. Be his sugar momma and don't complain..

2. Make him man up and have some responsibilities and be a contributing member of this relationship

 

You've been together for a few years now and none of us online know you or him but IMO you need to figure out first if he is the right man for you to spend your life with not if having 4 beers makes you a bad gf

 

I'd love your opinion on my situation too:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/392846-should-i-just-patient

Othersideofthepillow,

 

I really appreciate your feedback. I don't actually believe that I am a bad girlfriend, but he has been mad at me for two days straight now and I actually had to convince him to sleep in the same bed with me last night after he already spent the night on the couch the day before. Now he is telling me that he wants to spend a few days elsewhere because he doesn't know if he can forgive me for blowing this once in a lifetime opportunity for him...I just don't know what to do. I do feel bad for getting drunker than I said I would but I never imagined this going on for this long or him being this mad. And to answer your question, he is 25 years old. No high school diploma, no car, and no job. He is one of the smartest men I know, but he lacks the basic tools you need in this world.

I have tried very hard to make him man up, but it always comes back to something I have done wrong or how he paid for me for 6 months so I need to happily support him now...

He won't even be in the same room with me....

[unsuregirl]

Sounds like he is a lazy butt. Ultimatum, maybe?

I was with a guy like this for 3,5 years.

Funny enough the week I broke up with him and threw him out of my apartment, he found a job in a heartbeat...

Don't you love how it seems to always work out that way?? I bet if I kicked him to the curb he would be singing an entirely different tune also...

As far as ultimatums go...I have given them to him before and they have worked temporarily but never for the long run

[Imajerk17]

I'll try to be as nice as possible here.

 

What is it with women hooking up with deadbeats hoping it will all work out? Are you attracted to men with issues? Some women are, maybe it makes them feel deep and noble or something.

 

This just isn't going to end well for you OP, unless you break up with him. And ask yourself why you stayed with this dude for a few years. Maybe therapy is in order here...

[Treasa]

Kick his ass out. You have a teenage son, not a boyfriend.

[unsuregirl]

I'll try to be as nice as possible here.

 

What is it with women hooking up with deadbeats hoping it will all work out? Are you attracted to men with issues? Some women are, maybe it makes them feel deep and noble or something.

 

This just isn't going to end well for you OP, unless you break up with him. And ask yourself why you stayed with this dude for a few years. Maybe therapy is in order here...

It really does seem to be a pattern...he's just not all bad. He's smart, and very musically talented and driven in that area. I guess not really at all as far as life is concerned. It's not that I am afraid to be alone...I just don't really know how to end things without causing a huge scene. We just got a cat together, and he has already threatened to take the kitten if he leaves...and I am afraid he might tell people my darkest secret...

[colombiana28]

Othersideofthepillow,

 

I really appreciate your feedback. I don't actually believe that I am a bad girlfriend, but he has been mad at me for two days straight now and I actually had to convince him to sleep in the same bed with me last night after he already spent the night on the couch the day before. Now he is telling me that he wants to spend a few days elsewhere because he doesn't know if he can forgive me for blowing this once in a lifetime opportunity for him...I just don't know what to do. I do feel bad for getting drunker than I said I would but I never imagined this going on for this long or him being this mad. And to answer your question, he is 25 years old. No high school diploma, no car, and no job. He is one of the smartest men I know, but he lacks the basic tools you need in this world.

I have tried very hard to make him man up, but it always comes back to something I have done wrong or how he paid for me for 6 months so I need to happily support him now...

He won't even be in the same room with me....

 

omg girl...DUUUUUUUUMMMMMPPPP HIIIIIMM.

 

look I've supported my past 2 boyfriends and let me tell you, it is NOT a good situation. they will simply get USED to you covering everything, and then start expecting it, like a spoiled child. and is it really their fault? They've basically been trained (by US) to behave this way. I had to put my foot down. this guy is having an easy ride and then has the audacity to get pissed at YOU over something dumb like this and always use the "I supported you for 6 months" excuse when you feel taken advantage of.

 

the reason ultimatums don't work is because you always cave. I know you love him and he's intelligent and probably some band hottie, but he will never change unless you do something drastic (like dump him and only take him back if he shows you UNEQUIVOCALLY that he's changed). It is absolutely unacceptable for him to not find a job. fast food joints are always looking for burger flippers.

 

But in all honesty, I think you should find someone who respects you and who will contribute a full 50%. in no way, shape or form should you marry your current guy...it will only get much, much worse.

[unsuregirl]

Kick his ass out. You have a teenage son, not a boyfriend.

I really have had this thought before....that he is like an irresponsible son that I get to date...it's crazy that you say that

[Treasa]

I really have had this thought before....that he is like an irresponsible son that I get to date...it's crazy that you say that

 

That you "get" to date. Gee, lucky you.

 

My God, you couldn't pay me to date this loser. I don't even care what good points he has.

[Treasa]

Unless you think he's going to do something bad to the kitten, let him keep it. Otherwise, get it away from him somewhere where he can't get it back, and THEN tell him that you're too drained, emotionally and financially, to be with him anymore. Nicely wish him the best of luck, and then tell him he has until the end of the next day to leave.

[Minneloa]

It really does seem to be a pattern...he's just not all bad. He's smart, and very musically talented and driven in that area. I guess not really at all as far as life is concerned. It's not that I am afraid to be alone...I just don't really know how to end things without causing a huge scene. We just got a cat together, and he has already threatened to take the kitten if he leaves...and I am afraid he might tell people my darkest secret...

 

I am a huge cat lover, and I have my share of secrets, but to me the factors you list above do not seem to be strong enough reasons to stay in such a one-sided and frustrating (from what you have posted) relationship with this person.

[unsuregirl]

My question is why did you drink so much if you're driving also how did you get home? He's a band and you ruined it so course he's going to be upset.

 

News flash, it's hard for people to find work even a guy that is well educated.

 

Yeah kick him out, don't worry he'll find a new woman it's not hard for a guy in a band.

Crazy Canuck,

 

This is an advice forum, not a vessel for **** talk. Furthermore, the plan was for us to stay the night at a friend's house, but we ended up not going because he stormed off when I was in the middle of saying "I am exhausted and if we are going to go to a 3:30am after party, I need coffee."

I fully understand that it's hard to find work, but what makes it fair for me to pay for everything? You sound like you're in a similar situation, therefore this post makes you defensive...

[unsuregirl]

I am a huge cat lover, and I have my share of secrets, but to me the factors you list above do not seem to be strong enough reasons to stay in such a one-sided and frustrating (from what you have posted) relationship with this person.

This is true. I also do love him, and we've talked about marriage and children...a lot. It is almost hard for me to imagine not being with him.

[unsuregirl]

Unless you think he's going to do something bad to the kitten, let him keep it. Otherwise, get it away from him somewhere where he can't get it back, and THEN tell him that you're too drained, emotionally and financially, to be with him anymore. Nicely wish him the best of luck, and then tell him he has until the end of the next day to leave.

This is great advice. I think I need some time to think on actually going through with something that drastic...especially when we have been together for so long. I am trying to make sure I am doing everything right before giving up...

[unsuregirl]

omg girl...DUUUUUUUUMMMMMPPPP HIIIIIMM.

 

look I've supported my past 2 boyfriends and let me tell you, it is NOT a good situation. they will simply get USED to you covering everything, and then start expecting it, like a spoiled child. and is it really their fault? They've basically been trained (by US) to behave this way. I had to put my foot down. this guy is having an easy ride and then has the audacity to get pissed at YOU over something dumb like this and always use the "I supported you for 6 months" excuse when you feel taken advantage of.

 

the reason ultimatums don't work is because you always cave. I know you love him and he's intelligent and probably some band hottie, but he will never change unless you do something drastic (like dump him and only take him back if he shows you UNEQUIVOCALLY that he's changed). It is absolutely unacceptable for him to not find a job. fast food joints are always looking for burger flippers.

 

But in all honesty, I think you should find someone who respects you and who will contribute a full 50%. in no way, shape or form should you marry your current guy...it will only get much, much worse.

The thing is, lately he has been trying. He got a part time house/dog sitting gig and he plays in shows once a month. No, it's not enough to contribute much but I do feel like he is somewhat putting in effort.

 

I also, in a sense, feel trapped. He has so many things to hold over my head, it literally makes me feel like I am constantly on trial.

 

My girlfriends don't come around anymore...because he feels "uncomfortable" around them because they know some of the things he has done.

 

**I have no idea what the RIGHT thing to do is**

[Minneloa]

This is true. I also do love him, and we've talked about marriage and children...a lot. It is almost hard for me to imagine not being with him.

 

Of course it is, and I don't mean to diminish your emotional bond. However, if I may be so bold, it sounds like you might be staying with him out of habit, rather than enthusiastic commitment to the relationship. (No judgment here; btdt, along with countless other folks.)

 

I do think some soul-searching is order, particularly about what marriage and family life might be like with him as a partner.

 

Sending good thoughts,

 

M.

[Minneloa]

I also, in a sense, feel trapped. He has so many things to hold over my head, it literally makes me feel like I am constantly on trial.

 

Ok, wait. This does not sound good. Do you feel comfortable elaborating about these trapped and "on trial" feelings? What sorts of things does he hold over your head?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I am afraid he might tell people my darkest secret...

 

I sense that you're here telling people an even darker secret: that you don't mind being a doormat.

 

 

I should think he'd be able to find a job of some sort, during a two-year window of opportunity. The problem is, that he surely thinks himself too 'above' most of the job opportunities out there (and you buy into his reasoning).

 

You have the money and you have the p*ssy, so clearly you have the power.

 

(and don't worry about that other p*ssy - he won't be able to support her anyway)

[unsuregirl]

Ok, wait. This does not sound good. Do you feel comfortable elaborating about these trapped and "on trial" feelings? What sorts of things does he hold over your head?

When we broke up before...he begged me to forgive him and get back with him. He even cried (like wallowing) when I came over to his mom's house get my things. He also decided that it was an appropriate time to tell me that he had purchased me an engagement ring after saving for 2 months...

 

Then, we I did forgive him and we got back together, he completely turned it around to how I was doing him wrong and I was the one who needed to change....It was really confusing. He gets me in this mind set like I have done nothing right and that no one else would put up with me as long as he has...or accept my *secret*.

[unsuregirl]

I sense that you're here telling people an even darker secret: that you don't mind being a doormat.

 

 

I should think he'd be able to find a job of some sort, during a two-year window of opportunity. The problem is, that he surely thinks himself too 'above' most of the job opportunities out there (and you buy into his reasoning).

 

You have the money and you have the p*ssy, so clearly you have the power.

 

(and don't worry about that other p*ssy - he won't be able to support her anyway)

It's difficult to hear things like this, but I feel like it's the truth. Right now, he is lying on the floor of our living room because he just suppressed a panic attack that he almost had due to me trying to reason with him. I sat down and actually wrote a contract promising I would never drink in public situations again, sincerely apologized, and have given him his space for two days but he is still refusing to forgive me for ruining his after party. I am so frustrated and confused!! I feel like he is isolating me so that I can not figure out what he's doing to my mind...

[Minneloa]

When we broke up before...he begged me to forgive him and get back with him. He even cried (like wallowing) when I came over to his mom's house get my things. He also decided that it was an appropriate time to tell me that he had purchased me an engagement ring after saving for 2 months...

 

Then, we I did forgive him and we got back together, he completely turned it around to how I was doing him wrong and I was the one who needed to change....It was really confusing. He gets me in this mind set like I have done nothing right and that no one else would put up with me as long as he has...or accept my *secret*.

 

This sounds awful, unsuregirl. From what you have posted, your bf's behavior is classic emotional manipulation and blackmail. The dynamic that has been established between the two of you seems very damaging and unhealthy. To be honest, I am worried about you. You do not deserve to be treated in these ways.

 

What is your IRL support system like? We here at LS can provide advice and encouragement, but is there also relative or friend in whom you could confide about this situation?

[Minneloa]

It's difficult to hear things like this, but I feel like it's the truth. Right now, he is lying on the floor of our living room because he just suppressed a panic attack that he almost had due to me trying to reason with him. I sat down and actually wrote a contract promising I would never drink in public situations again, sincerely apologized, and have given him his space for two days but he is still refusing to forgive me for ruining his after party. I am so frustrated and confused!! I feel like he is isolating me so that I can not figure out what he's doing to my mind...

 

Red flags all around, especially the isolating piece. Trust your instincts here.

 

Can you go somewhere else for the night? I think you need to remove yourself from this situation ASAP.

[curlygirl40]

OP I feel for you. I really do.

 

Right now you're like a mouse in a maze, too close to the situation and not being able to see the right thing to do. And some of us who are giving you advice are on the outside looking in and we have distance from the situation so it's easy for us to see what's going on.

 

For him to control you by manipulating you (I will take the kitten, you will sign this contract, I will cry and beg, I have a secret to hold over you) is no relationship at all. How much longer do you think you can live like that? Try the rest of your life? 40-50-60 years? Really? Let that sink in. This is no relationship.

 

Consider yourself VERY lucky and be grateful that you're not married to this guy and that you can walk away. It's a 10 minute conversation and you can be done. Imagine yourself married to this guy with children and he hasn't changed one bit and how hard it will be to make a break for it.

 

People don't change. Not without serious help they don't. And there are some serious red flags here.

 

My now ex was very controlling and manipulative. I had to lie to him about where I was so I could go out to lunch with my mother because I wasn't allowed to do anything. It wasn't like that in the beginning but that's how it was after a while. It only gets worse. Looking back, the signs were there in the beginning but they were subtle and I ignored him. The signs this guy is giving you are blaring!!

 

I know you love him, but sometimes love isn't enough. He's been unemployed the whole time you've been dating, he's lacking motivation, he's isolating you, he convinces you that you're the problem and that no one else will want you (classic!!), on and on.

 

You're too close to the situation and he's manipulating so that you can't even think clearly.

 

You need to make an exit plan and start thinking about how you're going to move on. You deserve better.