first few days since NC

[Vesper]

But not as easing as filing for divorce..there is health insurance to consider. I'm not leaving my wife without coverage until the preexisting condition limitation is eliminated under the new health care law next year. I'm thinking more in terms of a moving out and legal separation agreement.. and divorce in due course.

[Vesper]

Its really creepy how you refer to her as your "lover". Who says that nowadays?

 

This whole situation is wierd. I hope your wife boots you out. She seems like the only decent one in this whole mess

 

Sorry not comport to your internet expectations. Thank you for your non-thought and judgment. Completely unhelpful. Boot yourself. Your sudden appearance in a such a conversation is creepy.

[ComingInHot]

Yea!!! The LS gang is here!!!

It's about ya'll showed up*lol*

 

Vesper, if you listen AND hear anything I write, LISTEN to these amazing people. At the end of your day it's YOUR choice/s but by God put some Action/s behind them!!

PEACE!

[spice4life]

But not as easing as filing for divorce..there is health insurance to consider. I'm not leaving my wife without coverage until the preexisting condition limitation is eliminated under the new health care law next year. I'm thinking more in terms of a moving out and legal separation agreement.. and divorce in due course.

 

Well, that's a nice step in the right direction. It's a process and that shows you are willing to start taking the leap. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should let her off the hook and not expect her to show you she means business too. Even though she is having a rougher go of it right now, she still needs to show progress and results. It will be easier if she sees you taking steps too. It will alleviate one of the many worries on her mind right now.

[Vesper]

I think it's nice you're thinking of your wife's health insurance. But, she may have other plans. You seem to think you have all the control. She might start exerting some of her own. I hope she does. I certainly would. I would have already kicked you out, called your mistress and told her that you were all hers.

 

No, I don't think I have all the control. That's a misconception. My wife is stronger than you give her credit for. And love is a larger experience than you seem to allow for. You are making marital commitment a transcendent category, but it is not. There is a more fundamental human dimension. But I take your point that she may have her own plans. I am the main provider, financially, so I will continue to do that.

 

Also, there has been plenty of action here for myself and my lover (sorry to be creepy, ha, but I like the term), but so far it's been on a relational and psychological level. We have all (myself, wife, OW, her husband) had boatloads of therapy, for instance, that has been mostly helpful. But, you who are calling for more forceful action l think are fundamentally correct, I think. Now is the time for material action (i.e., in the world), and I think I will have to begin this. My hesitation has mainly been what spice4life has mentioned, that my OW needs to show me a bit more intention before I leave. But, I think she is going to do that soon.

 

Thank you again for really helping me. I can be a bit arrogant at times (don't say it..), but I do listen.. Certainly, I'll let you know what happens if you are interested. At the very least it becomes more qualitative data for you own analysis here.

[BrokenPrincess]

I guess what I don't get is why do you need your MOM to make any movement toward divorce before you do? It just sounds so selfish. If your marriage is over, why not just move in the direction of divorce for you. If I were your wife, I'd be so insulted that you'd stay with me just because your mistress was on the fence. The affair aside, if the marriage is over, just move on. I'd respect that.

 

I get there are steps to that, considerations with finances, children, insurance, stuff, but all that is negotiable.

 

I've read the thread a couple times and I think I get it now. He does not feel his marriage is over per se, just that the existential phenomenon with the OW transcends his M. So he feels he's met his responsibility by telling W that he loves another and will D her if MOW becomes available..it's up to his W to decide if she can live with that.

 

Vesper, I don't know if "strong" is the word I'd choose to describe your wife given what you've told us. Do you think she may be having a "larger experience" with someone else as well?

[Goodbye]

But not as easing as filing for divorce..there is health insurance to consider. I'm not leaving my wife without coverage until the preexisting condition limitation is eliminated under the new health care law next year. I'm thinking more in terms of a moving out and legal separation agreement.. and divorce in due course.

 

 

Generally, ex-spouses can still be covered. I am self employed and receive insurance benefits from my ex-H.

[SidLyon]

I haven't read all this thread in detail, but skimmed through.

 

From the outside it looks as though you and your OW are both waiting for the other to make the first move. If so, you might be waiting a while...

 

Meanwhile your BSs are reacting differently, but why would the reaction of her BH have an impact on how you and your BW deal with your own marriage?

 

Oh I now see you are waiting for some law changes that might happen next year! This really does look like an excuse not to leave your wife, so it's no wonder your OW won't commit to leaving her husband.

 

My suggestion to you if you are sincere about preferring the OW, is leave your wife now to make it clear to your OW that you genuinely want to be with her. Anything else is just you "eating cake" as they say here, or perhaps just hedging your bets.

 

If you are telling your OW that you haven't left your wife because she hasn't asked you to, or doesn't want you to, or didn't "accept" your generous offer to leave, then no wonder she's waiting for a sign from you. You really look to be a hypocrite when you criticise your OW for her lack of action.