I hit my fiance (first time) and he broke it off

[cbguy]

I see that you're in deep pain and your need to talk to him. You've apologized and told him your perspective, perhaps he needs some time to think about it? Maybe you guys need some time out.

 

Again only you know which is right, your relationship might be strong enough to weather this. Guilt is good, but you also need to think "What should I do from now?".

 

Try to confide in a non judgmental person who loves you. Best of luck.

[SobbingRobin]

Did you even read my post?

Yes, I did. I don't represent an abused child. This is what is making me wonder how I reacted that way, out of nowhere. I think things got heated and I lost it.

[SobbingRobin]

He's canceled the wedding? He's seriously done.

 

It's over.

Yes, I know. :(

[KraftDinner]

Btw, what provoked the punch?

[tbf]

You're lucky he didn't file assault charges. Be thankful for this, if nothing else.

 

It's also time to review your own behaviours within the relationship. Physical abuse usually doesn't come from nowhere. Domestic violence is a build up where it begins with emotional abuse and ramps up to violence.

 

Also review the relationship dynamics. Quite often the person being abused comes from an abusive background where they sometimes subconsciously agitate for abuse since this equals love. It's a prime example of Pavlovian conditioning where repetitive hurt and pain during foundational years can reroute the brain.

 

Yes, I did. I don't represent an abused child. This is what is making me wonder how I reacted that way, out of nowhere. I think things got heated and I lost it.

Refer to the bolded. The person being abused is the ex, not you.

[Almond_Joy]

You don't have to have been abused to have problems processing your anger. For many that is the case, but not all. Let that stereotype go.

 

You have problems processing anger and stress in a healthy way. Do what you need to do to figure out why and how you can correct the behavior.

 

And for the love of god leave your ex-fiance alone. I'd be scared to death to be alone with someone I loved after being physically assaulted by them. And I wouldn't care WHAT they say afterward - if they did it once they'll do it again.

 

I get angry very quickly but have never in my life raised a hand to someone I love. I'd be horrified if it was done to me.

 

Leave him alone and get yourself sorted out.

[SobbingRobin]

Btw, what provoked the punch?

Issues regarding the planning of the wedding and cost. He wanted a cheaper location. I didn't like it because it's a crappy place and it's located closer to his mother, whom I had issues with. I would feel down at first when he didn't stood up for me everything his mother would say bad things about me to others or didn't seem happy whenever I would visit him (this went on until the day he proposed and one time he did finally call her out on it).

 

Anyway the argument was about how I was expecting the money on irrelevant things and say I was inconsiderate. We started arguing more and that where I told him ''You don't know how I'm feeling'' and punched him.

[somedude81]

What would you do if he were the one to punch you in the eye?

 

Gladly forgive him and continue on like nothing happened?

[tbf]

You punched him over a triviality like venue?

 

Nothing deserves a punch but what happens when you argue over important matters like home buying or family raising? Do you start an MMA cage brawl?

[2sunny]

So there is no hope at all? I'm really sorry. This was way off my character and have never done this ever. Just want him to know it won't ever happen again but he's still not replying.

 

I hope he doesn't take you back!

 

He deserves a gal that would NEVER consider using physical force in a R to get her way.

 

You need professional help. Please seek assistance.

[M30USA]

SobbingRobin,

 

Think of things from his perspective. People tend to repeat behavior. If he sees that you've punched his eye even once, he naturally (and rightly so) can conclude that it WILL happen again. It's just a matter of time. You may not even think you will do it again. But the truth is that you DO have this behavior in you. You have done it once. He has made a decision to end it now before he has a life of regret. My own ex-wife hit me and got violent while we were engaged. Lo and behold 4 years later she wound up striking me several times with a long wooden plank. I'm sorry but I side with your now ex-fiance 100%. Life only gets more stressful. Imagine when you have kids. Imagine when you struggle with finances. If you hit him now with this much stress, imagine when the stress multiplies.

[M30USA]

I didn't like it because it's a crappy place and it's located closer to his mother, whom I had issues with.

 

That says a lot right there. I think you have some issues to work out. My ex-wife (who also assaulted me multiple times) has issues with my mother as well...even though she lived 1900 miles away. This is just proof that the issue is in your head and needs to be resolved on your own, and it probably has ZERO to do with your ex's mom.

[SobbingRobin]

What would you do if he were the one to punch you in the eye?

Good question and to be honest it's hard to make an image of my now ex fiance becoming enraged and punching me; just that he isn't the type that would punch nor beat someone up. But I would feel very shocked, scared and sad and leave the house for a while, then talk to some members of my family about it. But then, all my other relatives would know it and none would want him anywhere near me.

Gladly forgive him and continue on like nothing happened?

Maybe not. I don't know. I can't really imagine him doing that. I would be very shocked to react.

[SobbingRobin]

I hope he doesn't take you back!

No, he isn't coming back.

You need professional help. Please seek assistance.

I will.

[SobbingRobin]

SobbingRobin,

 

Think of things from his perspective. People tend to repeat behavior. If he sees that you've punched his eye even once, he naturally (and rightly so) can conclude that it WILL happen again. It's just a matter of time. You may not even think you will do it again. But the truth is that you DO have this behavior in you. You have done it once. He has made a decision to end it now before he has a life of regret. My own ex-wife hit me and got violent while we were engaged. Lo and behold 4 years later she wound up striking me several times with a long wooden plank. I'm sorry but I side with your now ex-fiance 100%. Life only gets more stressful. Imagine when you have kids. Imagine when you struggle with finances. If you hit him now with this much stress, imagine when the stress multiplies.

Sorry to hear you had an abusive wife and how she started hitting you while being engaged. I think this must be my wake-up call that maybe something isn't right but I either ignored several signs or missed them.

[WHOLESALEPACK]

Good question and to be honest it's hard to make an image of my now ex fiance becoming enraged and punching me; just that he isn't the type that would punch nor beat someone up. But I would feel very shocked, scared and sad and leave the house for a while, then talk to some members of my family about it. But then, all my other relatives would know it and none would want him anywhere near me.

Maybe not. I don't know. I can't really imagine him doing that. I would be very shocked to react.

This makes me wonder if in her deep subconscious mind, she probably knew her fiance (now ex??) well before closing her fist to strike him. If so then she made him feel vulnerable in that moment since that's the same as hitting a punching bag. I know OP won't admit that but out of so many people to punch and other guys, why she chose to take it out on him?

 

If she was that stressed out then wouldn't she also hit her boss, supervisors, co-workers or even a police officer? How about a female friend or bigger woman, then would she feel have that same exact reaction as she did with her ex fiance or hold back and think of solving it in words? I know this because I've seen some episodes of Steve Wilkos and how he gets in the face of guys that abused their gfs. He is yelling at them at the top of his lungs. Now keep in mind those are violent thugs he's dealing with but hardly even of them has the guts to punch the host. Why? Steve is a marine, a retired cop and can quickly disabled them so fast. So in that case is it purely temper or that fact that you are selective on who to take it out on?

 

Now I would never hit a girl but what I'm noticing is that most of the times when they claimed to having hit their bf, their husband, a guy friend or some guy, even if it was their very first time it's usually one they know so well. Rarely do I see a girl punching a random thug looking guy out in the streets or taking it out on a much stronger woman and willing to take the risk of either getting socked harder or having charges file on her.

 

We have to also keep in mind how women don't like being hit nor punched by us and even the OP wasn't sure if she would forgive if her guy would have done that but yet she was expecting him to stay with her.

Edited April 21, 2013 by WHOLESALEPACK

[M30USA]

I've said it a hundred times and I'll say it again:

 

Abuse in ALL FORMS springs from the need for CONTROL. Mark my words. Take it to the bank.

[2sunny]

Be grateful it ended.

 

You didn't like his family - and that's part of who he is.

 

It should have been your indication early on that it wasn't a good match.

[M30USA]

Be grateful it ended.

 

You didn't like his family - and that's part of who he is.

 

It should have been your indication early on that it wasn't a good match.

 

I partly agree.

 

However, the "mismatch" was absolutely NOT an excuse for her abuse. This is what my ex in laws believed. Her dad, in response to hearing that my ex wife assaulted me, made no apology on her behalf and gave no suggestion that she did a bad thing. He just said we must have been a bad match. And is it any wonder she turned out the way she did? Zero accountability.

[SobbingRobin]

You didn't like his family - and that's part of who he is.

It was only his mother I had problems with. That lady disrespected me on many occasions since the first day I was introduced to her till the proposal. I was ok with the father and other members.

[amaysngrace]

It was only his mother I had problems with. That lady disrespected me on many occasions since the first day I was introduced to her till the proposal. I was ok with the father and other members.

 

I hate to say this but his mom has a point.

[SobbingRobin]

I hate to say this but his mom has a point.

Are you saying it was ok for her to disrepect me for 4 complete years while I was trying my best to get along with her? I started not showing up at his house too often. Just as it hard for his mom to fake a smile, it was for me too. How are you suppose to be polite with someone that's clearly treating you like garbage, talking bad about you when you're not around and giving sarcastic remarks?

 

It was really him that told that if she didn't stop then she might not be allowed in the wedding. My then fiance told me that after he proposed, the first thing coming from her mouth was ''Are you going to marry that woman'' and that's where he got mad and told her off for the first time.

Edited April 21, 2013 by SobbingRobin

[amaysngrace]

Are you saying it was ok for her to disrepect me for 4 complete years while I was trying my best to get along with her? I started not showing up at his house too often. Just as it hard for his mom to fake a smile, it was for me too. How are you suppose to be polite with someone that's clearly treating you like garbage, talking bad about you when you're not around and giving sarcastic remarks?

 

It was really him that told that if she didn't stop then she might not be allowed in the wedding. My then fiance told me that after he proposed, the first thing coming from her mouth was ''Are you going to marry that woman'' and that's where he got mad and told her off for the first time.

 

As a mom I'd like to think that I would be a good judge of character when it comes to who my sons get involved with.

 

After four years she still didn't like you and look where you're at now. He can go to his mom now and you know what she'll say to him?

 

"I never liked her"

[2sunny]

Seems the complete dynamics of the relationship were terrible.

 

YOU stayed for 4 years allowing her to be disrespectful without a calm conversation to obtain some solid boundaries...?

 

I'm sure he felt caught in the middle. In the beginning it was your issue to address the negativity, not his.

 

Either way - no, I would never agree that abusive words and/or actions solves ANY problem.

 

Yet you moved to THAT as YOUR solution - even after trying to force him to agree to the wedding venue.

 

Seems this is an easier pill to swallow than a divorce.

 

Own it - learn how to change yourself - and move forward in gratitude that you didn't marry and you didn't seriously injure him.

 

I find hitting unacceptable in any circumstance - unless being violently attacked...I would never strike another person. I have words and a voice to reason things out by compromising.

 

I'd bet his Mom is sitting there now saying "I told you so".

 

Learn from your errors and take the opportunity to grow by bettering yourself.

[robaday]

Everyone deserves forgiveness and I can tell you are suffering and this will stay with you a long time. This may well turn into something positive for you because you can really explore yourself find out where that momentary lapse of reason came from......you say you almost didnt know what was happening....basically you lost control of yourself and something, whatever it was came out. You need to find out what that is and address it.

 

Is it possible you didnt respect him? I mean you cant really hit someone you love....you see its really dificult for a man in this position, Ive been there, ex hit me 40 times in the face one night,I covered my face and retreated to the door while asking her to stop, she didnt, and spat at me....I managed to get out......

 

but I ask you, if i had raised a hand in self defence who would the police believe? men are in an impossible situation when a woman assaults them, because its us who go down.....please look at this from his perspective and give him time to process his emotions, he may forgive you, but he needs a lot of time away from you........and you also need time away from him, because right now your probably both in a volatile state, and who knows what might happen if you start arguing again.........