J_L_C Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 (edited) NO IDEA why my computer put all those rambling letters/words in there, so let's try this again!!!! Hi everyone. I previously posted two threads about the terrible difficultiesI was having in regard to my ex---both in terms of my inability to let him goAND the terrible way in which he treated me. You can check out my threads here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/376826-sherlock-holmes-couldn-t-figure-out http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/brea...im-not-see-him It's been 9 months and I am only now starting to turn a corner. He has contacted me up to this point, minus a week. I finally decided a week ago NOT to reply to any sort of contact WHATSOEVER. This week has been the most head clearing week I've had in awhile. I still do think about him of course...and I still wonder how much it will sting when I hear he is with someone new...but I can finally say that I am no longer yearning for him. Why has it taken me 9 months to gain even a miniscule amount of perspective? Any thoughts? Why suddenly now has it changed? I'm glad it has because for those of you who have been following me, I was near suicide back in September, so I have made huge gains! One other thing...his birthday is in a few weeks and I have decided NOT to wish him a happy birthday OR send him a card. I should mention something though...4 days after he dumped me it was my birthday. NOT...ONE...WORD from him. I couldn't believe it. I'm not choosing to avoid wishing him a happy birthday because of this though. I simply wish not to get caught up in the whole thing again. Do you, however, think he may perceive this as a passive-aggressive move on my part? Edited April 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Simon Phoenix Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Glad to see you are making progress. You aren't quite there yet, as if you were there, you wouldn't feel the need to ask that question at the end. It really doesn't matter how he views it and once you stop thinking about things like that, you'll be there. But you are making progress. For as much as I and many others have bagged on you, it's good that you are finally getting out of the gutter you put yourself in for so long. 1
geegirl Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 It takes however long it takes for someone to break an addiction to someone. You mentioned you have OCD and maybe that played a part or even your lack of self-esteem because it does say something about how much you value yourself when you kept engaging with someone that treated you so badly. The good thing is that you're gaining perspective. Instead of asking the question as to whether he will perceive your actions as passive-aggresive, why don't you ask yourself what it means to you to not send him a card and wish him and why it is important to you. It's time to focus on why your are doing these things for yourself rather than focusing on why you are doing these things and what it would mean to him. Everything you do is not tied to him but tied to you working on yourself. 2
Minneloa Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 (edited) Good for you. I'm glad that No Contact is helping you clear your head and get new perspective. As for the birthday, who cares what he thinks? No contact is for YOUR benefit and healing. Embrace it with a vengeance and don't look back. Edited April 17, 2013 by Minneloa
siankat Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 no! And there is only one opinion that matters in this, yours. Keep doing what you are doing
destroyed4sho Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 you seem like you have improved alot since initial posts. im glad u startef complete NC...its time. wishing him a happy bday is unneccessary.
Author J_L_C Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 I didn't plan to wish him a happy birthday but I just don't want him to think I'm playing the passive-aggressive card because I still want him to come back to me.
Simon Phoenix Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I didn't plan to wish him a happy birthday but I just don't want him to think I'm playing the passive-aggressive card because I still want him to come back to me. You want him to come back to you? Or did you mean that you didn't want him to think you are playing that card because that will make him think you want him back? If it's the first, you need to run some laps as punishment. If it's the latter, that's not something you should be concerned with. What he thinks does not matter. Let him think whatever he wants -- it doesn't matter because he's a douche and his dishes are done. 2
GB25 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 You want him to come back to you? Or did you mean that you didn't want him to think you are playing that card because that will make him think you want him back? If it's the first, you need to run some laps as punishment. If it's the latter, that's not something you should be concerned with. What he thinks does not matter. Let him think whatever he wants -- it doesn't matter because he's a douche and his dishes are done. Simon is easily one the best posters on this forum Oh and the fact that you're concerned about what he is thinking shows you have ways to go. What he thinks does not matter in the slightest I know it's easier said than done. All that matters is YOU YOU YOU. You have have been told this a million times in other threads im sure of it, but maybe soon it will kick in 2
Author J_L_C Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 You want him to come back to you? Or did you mean that you didn't want him to think you are playing that card because that will make him think you want him back? If it's the first, you need to run some laps as punishment. If it's the latter, that's not something you should be concerned with. What he thinks does not matter. Let him think whatever he wants -- it doesn't matter because he's a douche and his dishes are done. I meant that he will THINK its because I want him back...but I don't. Not anymore.
Simon Phoenix Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I meant that he will THINK its because I want him back...but I don't. Not anymore. Then let him think that, and be thrown for a loop when you want nothing to do with him. 1
Author J_L_C Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 Then let him think that, and be thrown for a loop when you want nothing to do with him. I already want nothing to do with the f***er.
Simon Phoenix Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 I already want nothing to do with the f***er. Then don't spend any time wondering about what he thinks about anything. Just live.
na49 Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Simon is easily one the best posters on this forum Agreed. I love Simon and his honesty. 1
Amelie1980 Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 I didn't plan to wish him a happy birthday but I just don't want him to think I'm playing the passive-aggressive card because I still want him to come back to me. You're over thinking it. he didn't send you birthday greetings so you don't have to send them to him.
Author J_L_C Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Yes it's me again. So here is my question...the last time my ex and I had been in contact (a long while ago), he indicated he didn't think a friendship would be a good idea anymore because I 'pestered' him too much with constant communication. That's not the problem. I came around to realizing friendship would never work and I actually don't want it. ANYWAY, he said that he would 'at least' be willing to meet up so he could finally return my things to me. I was pretty upset with that because I mailed his things back to him ages ago!!! I told him that it's not a good idea we see each other and I'd much rather he just mail them, or drop them at my place on his way to work (when I wouldn't be there). Didn't hear a single word from him since (this was 3 weeks ago)...AND, no return of my things either. Although many people have said I should just forget my stuff, there are some things of meaning and value and nevermind that, it's the principle. I went out of my way to pay $25.00 to return his damn things, and it's taken him 4 months to NOT return mine? I wrote him a simple email yesterday which said: "I've been pretty patient. The last time I heard from you I assumed I would have gotten my things by now. I said you could mail them or drop them off...I did return your things awhile ago after all. I would appreciate it if you could do so asap". Well, I got an email from him today and it went into this whole lengthy babble BS saying: He's been so busy, he's been away on vacation, he lost his job, etc., etc. Thanked me for being so patient and that he would drop them off this week while I'm at work. The final line of his email pissed me off....he said: "Take care and all the best in love and life". WTF? Did he really feel the need to rub my nose in that sh**?! As if he assumed I was going to start communicating with him again? Wanting him again? Uhhh, buddy, check to see the last time I actually made contact before saying crap like that!!!! I haven't talked to the dude in ages and I just wanted my stuff! I just felt it was a pretty hurtful comment when there should have absolutely been no assumption that I would be in further contact with his a$$. So here is my question...he went into the whole lengthy bit about losing his job etc. Not that I care to a great degree (Karma haha)...but on any account, I wonder if I should write back to say that I'm sorry to hear about the loss of work and hopefully he finds something soon. AND...thank you in advance for finally returning my things. I'm just the type of person who can't hold a vengeance when it comes to someone being down on their luck. I did share a close relationship after all and I wonder about just extending a kind thought towards his situation. When I was sick and he found out there was something wrong with me, he didn't really act too supportive past a point, but regardless, I'm the bigger person and won't let passive-aggression hold me back. On the other hand though, I don't want him to continue to think he has me whipped and wrapped around his little finger. I am honestly so much better since I let go of this 'let's get back together' wish of mine. BUT...I'm still not sure what to do. I have asked some friends of mine who are split on how I should proceed. As you are all coming from an objective stance, what do you think would be the best option? If I DO write him a simple 'sorry to hear', should I also add something about the last sentence being unneeded because I wasn't planning to continue contact afterwards anyway?
OwlSoul Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 It's something that should not be quetioned here. What are you aiming for? Honestly, it all seems to be that you're trying to find excuses to keep the communication. 1
Author J_L_C Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 No, not at all. I feel like I need to offer a bit of milk of human kindness. That's just how I am.
Minnie09 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Human kindness is not appropriate right now. Save it for somebody else. He doesn't care and he doesn't deserve. Since he's not the guy to return the favor of "human kindness", any kind of a reply is uncalled for. Wait for your things to be dropped off. Ignore. Next.
Author J_L_C Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Human kindness is not appropriate right now. Save it for somebody else. He doesn't care and he doesn't deserve. Since he's not the guy to return the favor of "human kindness", any kind of a reply is uncalled for. Wait for your things to be dropped off. Ignore. Next. I agree with you, thus that's why I'm having this dilemma. Part of me is so irritated with him for throwing in that last sentence as if he ASSUMES I still want to continue conversations and pursuit of him when in fact, this was the first time I contacted him in ages and all I simply wanted were my things! I'm so sick and tired of the merry-go-round that was my life for months, and honestly do not wish to re-establish one damn thing with him again! He just said this to get under my skin and to ward me off for what he 'assumes' will happen. What an all-assuming pompous ass! And I want him to know that I never had any intentions of fu**ing continuing the useless talks. I just wanted what is mine!
Minnie09 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Great! Then don't respond. Period. Any reply would only show him that he was "right" and you're an easy bait. No reply shows him that you don't care.*
Author J_L_C Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 But is it a good thing to show him that I don't care he's going through a rough time? Despite all that's happened, shouldn't I be the bigger person and at least comment on the job loss?
Tk123 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 He is done; a thing of the past. There's no need to send or reply to anything. I know it's probably not want you want to hear, but it's the truth. You showing concern about his job loss will only lead to further conversation and before you know it, he'll be rebounding off you and you'll be talking again. That's just my $.02. 2
Zahara Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 The man didn't give a rats a**when you were in tears, in pain when he was breaking up with you, instead was more concerned about his hard on, and here you are thinking of showing him human kindness. You give it to those that deserve it and to those that bestow it upon you. It's earned. He treated you like dog s***. Quit the nice, thoughtful, doormat girl crap and start finding yourself a backbone and some boundaries. He'll live through losing his job perfectly fine without your sympathy.
Zahara Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 But is it a good thing to show him that I don't care he's going through a rough time? Despite all that's happened, shouldn't I be the bigger person and at least comment on the job loss? You should be the smarter person and toss this guy out of your view and be more concerned about restraining yourself from further contact with this clown. Bigger person? Concentrate on yourself. Enough with trying to appease this man. And it's not about being nice, but smart. You've been through enough with him. Stop contact. And if you don't get your stuff, let the crap go. It's material. Focus on your healing. It's your main priority.
Recommended Posts