Caught wife cheating with her best friend's husband

[macy]

This time last week it was everything I could do to keep from confronting my wife. I had to catch her in the act. You cannot imagine how difficult it was to be normal and sleep in the same bed with her after I got home Thursday evening a week ago. Was even worse than being able to track her iphone going there the whole time i was gone. I was lucky in a way she went to him last Sunday moning when she thought I was going golfing.

 

Grief is mixed with anger. I stand by my decision to end this. I will do anything I can to help my wife come out of this a better person, but I do not want to be her husband. Took her out last night sans harsh emotions to discuss what is coming up. I still do not see remorse. Remorse to me is serving yourself up and going out of your way to try to somehow make things right. If she was lonely, she should have thought about her husband stir crazy in a hotel room in another city working late into the evening on what pays the roof over her head. Business travel sounda glamorous, but nights are lonely and quite claustrophobic. Again, I did not act on those feelings and go down to the hotel bar and do something about those feelings. Thinking about seeing her and taking her in my arms when I got home pulled me through those nights.

 

But her, she acted on those urges and it became a game to her. Shame on her! I've heard it said that cheaters get to have their fun and their partner is the one who gets hurt. That is so true. In this case, she is not getting off. Her fling of fun has cost her the big prize. Consequences teach lessons and she's learning a hard one. To those who think I'm moving too fast, why would I want to continue to give myself 100% to someone who will not reciprocate? Cheating is easy. But refraining because you know what it would do could have lifelong consequences should be an easier call. Any justification is a load of crap. If someone is not happy, speak the hell up or leave. End of story!

 

I had rather be alone than wonder what the hell is up when I leave the house alone. I know it can happen with someone else, but it's painfully obvious I'm married to one where trust may never be restored. That's no way for a self respecting person to live, and shame on those who would compromise what they think is right to attempt to salvage may not be salvagable. I stand by my decision.

As a recently divorced military spouse of 16 years, whose husband cheated while out on the many deployed, training, and TDY trips that you do... I'd like to say she didn't know what she had and will regret it. Cheating is very prevalent in the military so kudos to you for staying strong. I'm sorry for your pain. I know it too well. I wish I had half the "you-know-what's" that you did to leave the first time. Forgiving the first time didn't teach him any lessons, even through the devastation and tears, he did it again. Lesson learned! Never again!

[Grumpybutfun]

BryanP37-

Just wondering how you are doing now? I know this has been rough and am wondering if you are needing some extra support in the aftermath. I understand the military life (25 years Navy) and how it can help us compartmentalize, but there always the aftermath of sadness and regret to contend with. Just hoping you are getting what you need to heal.

Grumps

[BryanP37]

BryanP37-

Just wondering how you are doing now? I know this has been rough and am wondering if you are needing some extra support in the aftermath. I understand the military life (25 years Navy) and how it can help us compartmentalize, but there always the aftermath of sadness and regret to contend with. Just hoping you are getting what you need to heal.

Grumps

 

I appreciate your kind thoughts. Things are on an even keel at the moment. I've been back at my job now for a few weeks and that's been a big help. Moving in with my little sister and spending a lot of time with my other local sister has also been very therapeutic. We're having a lot of fun together in evenings when the emotions start to catch up to me. They are also there for me when raw emotion overtakes me. My older sibling is a widow, she understands stages of grief very well. I am blessed to have this much family support.

 

The court date is next Tuesday. My oldest sister and her family is coming to town from Denver this coming weekend. All of my local family will be with me as well when we go to family court to make this final. I have no idea what will happen other than my attorney says the judge will ask me a series of questions. When done, he will do the same to my wife. Should take no more than 15 minutes. It's making me a nervous wreck, but knowing all of my immediate family will be behind me make this doable. I will avoid interaction with my wife or anyone with her. I haven't seen her since we closed on the house. I have no idea of her mindset or how she will react. When done, it will be no contact for good.

 

Weird that our wedding was a grand affair and it all ends like this. Months of planning and a huge expense. The big wedding in the huge church will end in a county sub courthouse set in a strip shopping center.

Edited June 18, 2013 by BryanP37

[worldgonewrong]

BryanP37- I just read this entire thread from beginning to end.

All I can say is, you've handled yourself like a CHAMP.

And I truly believe that you'll meet a woman who sees you for the upstanding guy that you are, and she will respect/honor you.

[BryanP37]

Tomorrow morning at 8:30am the sham of a marriage ends. I will be surrounded by family when I leave the courtroom so emotional support will be there. It's an extreme surreal feeling knowing what I thought would be forever happy will end with the crack of the judges gavel tomorrow.

 

I've had unintended contact with STBX. What I misread as stomach flu turned out to be appendicitis last Tuesday afternoon. I tried to play it off as something that would go away on its own, but my sister made me go to the ER. Turns out she was right. Another hour and it likely would have burst. Just got released this afternoon. My dad and father in law are still friends throughout this mess. Word got to STBX from dad and she was at the hospital while I was in surgery and stayed in my room for a while. Very surprised the wolfpack didn't run her off. They were too worried about me to be concerned about her being around. I wasn't aware of this until Friday when my memory picks back up. I'm not upset with anyone for letting it happen. She visited me once again Saturday pleading with me to reconsider going through with finalizing D. No dice, we are ending it.

 

I can get around good enough to make it into the court room in the morning. I won't be able to dress as sharp as I want as I can't have too much pressure on my abdominal area. Irregardless, tomorrow at this time, this chapter will be complete and a new beginning will be upon me. Mixed emotions but I know this is the right thing for both of us.

 

Wish me luck. Tomorrow will be tough.

[krazikat]

Tomorrow morning at 8:30am the sham of a marriage ends. I will be surrounded by family when I leave the courtroom so emotional support will be there. It's an extreme surreal feeling knowing what I thought would be forever happy will end with the crack of the judges gavel tomorrow.

 

I've had unintended contact with STBX. What I misread as stomach flu turned out to be appendicitis last Tuesday afternoon. I tried to play it off as something that would go away on its own, but my sister made me go to the ER. Turns out she was right. Another hour and it likely would have burst. Just got released this afternoon. My dad and father in law are still friends throughout this mess. Word got to STBX from dad and she was at the hospital while I was in surgery and stayed in my room for a while. Very surprised the wolfpack didn't run her off. They were too worried about me to be concerned about her being around. I wasn't aware of this until Friday when my memory picks back up. I'm not upset with anyone for letting it happen. She visited me once again Saturday pleading with me to reconsider going through with finalizing D. No dice, we are ending it.

 

I can get around good enough to make it into the court room in the morning. I won't be able to dress as sharp as I want as I can't have too much pressure on my abdominal area. Irregardless, tomorrow at this time, this chapter will be complete and a new beginning will be upon me. Mixed emotions but I know this is the right thing for both of us.

 

Wish me luck. Tomorrow will be tough.

 

Dang, good thing your sis made you go to the hospital!

 

And I wish you luck on your next adventure, which will begin tomorrow with the sound of the gavel. Stay strong, you will be just fine!

[Steen719]

Tomorrow morning at 8:30am the sham of a marriage ends. I will be surrounded by family when I leave the courtroom so emotional support will be there. It's an extreme surreal feeling knowing what I thought would be forever happy will end with the crack of the judges gavel tomorrow.

 

I've had unintended contact with STBX. What I misread as stomach flu turned out to be appendicitis last Tuesday afternoon. I tried to play it off as something that would go away on its own, but my sister made me go to the ER. Turns out she was right. Another hour and it likely would have burst. Just got released this afternoon. My dad and father in law are still friends throughout this mess. Word got to STBX from dad and she was at the hospital while I was in surgery and stayed in my room for a while. Very surprised the wolfpack didn't run her off. They were too worried about me to be concerned about her being around. I wasn't aware of this until Friday when my memory picks back up. I'm not upset with anyone for letting it happen. She visited me once again Saturday pleading with me to reconsider going through with finalizing D. No dice, we are ending it.

 

I can get around good enough to make it into the court room in the morning. I won't be able to dress as sharp as I want as I can't have too much pressure on my abdominal area. Irregardless, tomorrow at this time, this chapter will be complete and a new beginning will be upon me. Mixed emotions but I know this is the right thing for both of us.

 

Wish me luck. Tomorrow will be tough.

 

Good luck to you. It is bound to be sad, no matter what. I have to say, though, I am pretty sure you will do just fine. I did divorce my XH, but I do wish I had your conviction when I was going through my mess. I admire your strength. Good luck to you. I'm glad you are feeling better.

[dreamingoftigers]

Best of luck.

[BryanP37]

Ok...it's a done deal. I am now a divorved man. Took less than 20 minutes just like the lawyer said. Took less time to put an end to the madness than the wedding that started it. No celebration. Nothing really to celebrate. Relief it's over if anything. My ex took it very hard. She held together ok when her turn came to speak but fell to pieces in the hallway exiting. Her parents took her home afterwards. I tried not to look her way. I saw that she had one of our wedding pics in her hand. This was almost as sad as my moms funeral.

 

My oldest sister was the first to embrace me when I walked out of the courtroom. She's a changed woman herself. She realizes now how close she was to being in my ex wife's shoes. I believe her and her husband will be ok.

 

We are at home now. Everyone is here. Reminds me of the family gathering after a funeral. I feel like crap. Part is recovering from surgery, the other is the loss feeling. The judge was very kind and understanding. He didn't try to second guess me on not considering R. He was not rough on ex other than he did tell her what she did was very wrong and asked that she address the root cause. He did commend both of us for being able to settle the property split without a fight.

 

Positives did come from this. My sisters marriage is likely saved. A major awakening for her. I can see a change in my BIL as well. A stronger bonding with my siblings. Best of all, I'm no longer living a sham. A hard lesson learned.

Edited June 25, 2013 by BryanP37

[HopingAgain]

You are a rock, Bryan. I sense very good things coming to you in your future! I wish you all the blessings and positive vibes in the world. Hope you will want to stick around for a while and maybe help others with that great clarity of yours. Be good to yourself!

[drifter777]

Brian: of the BS's that weigh in here on LS, there are very few - maybe zero - that regret their decision to divorce their cheating spouse. At the same time, many that tried to reconcile have lots of regret. Based on your situation I believe you did the right thing and you will have zero regrets when you look back on this horrible incident.

[Steadfast]

We are at home now. Everyone is here. Reminds me of the family gathering after a funeral. I feel like crap.

 

Much admiration and respect Bryan. Not only for showing vision, strength, and the great example, but for your clean and concise ability to express yourself. These posts don't mean much if people can't understand them.

 

For everything there is a cost. Even, as you are discovering, doing the right thing. Rebuilding a life and mending a broken heart is exhausting. You have to back out of the rubble before you're clear to move forward again.

 

Rest your mind. Take comfort in knowing you do not have a cheating wife. This is the true purpose of divorce. Those who live with purpose live well.

[BryanP37]

I've had better part of a day to digest finalizing D from this morning. Granted, I'm surrounded by a very biased crowd at home, all have given me unwavering support. Today would have been an impossible task without them behind me. I do sincerely hope my ex can find a way to move forward and learn from her mistakes. I do not wish any ill will for her. She's a smart girl. A good therapist would be a big help for her. At the same time, she got what she deserved. It's up to her now to decide where she goes from here.

 

The biggest reason R was not in the cards was I did nothing to bring this on. This is all on her. With that, I couldn't see spending the next 2 to 5 years trying to put our marriage back on track. I was hoping we would start a family soon. Another reason was reading the many recovery blogs. Men finding out an affair is going on right under their noses. All with an innocent looking veil covering it. One in particular turned my stomach. A guy suspects, gets his wife's iPhone, reads a hoard of incriminating texts. He confronts wife out of her sleep. She gaslights by raising hell about him looking at her phone. She finally fesses up with TT. She adds to it with a few more bombshells and plays a blameshift game. The guy gets tough and sets these firm boundaries with NC to the OM with one slip sending her packing. Lo and behold she gets caught texting OM with a fake contact name. Stuff hits fan once again, tells her to leave, argument ensues, and he backs down telling her she's on strike 2. The guy just castrated himself. She knows he won't do squat and she can go on being a cake eater. Meanwhile he's the one scrambling trying to reconnect with HER! That is what I envisioned R would look like with my ex if i gave her a chance. B*LLSH*T!! No way to live folks. A doormat I am not. A lot of life will slip away from this guy before he figures out he's wasting his time.

 

The upside of today. A woman my little sister introduced me to over a month ago came by. Now she is comfortable with the idea of going on a date with me. She kept arms length in fear I would do a 180 an take my ex back. Very attractive, but not quite the looker of my ex, but you can tell she has class. Class trumps looks every time in my book. Will be nice to spend some time with class. Stay tuned, things are changing for the better even with a big scar my stomach.

[drifter777]

Two months from d-day to Divorce day - that must be some kind of record! I'm curious as to whether there is some period of time (6 months?) until your divorce is final?

 

Anyway, congratulations again and best wishes for your future.

[BryanP37]

Two months from d-day to Divorce day - that must be some kind of record! I'm curious as to whether there is some period of time (6 months?) until your divorce is final?

 

Anyway, congratulations again and best wishes for your future.

 

Thank you very much! In Texas, an uncontested divorce can be done in 61 calender days from filing with the county. I filed on April 19. The county I lived in just outside DFW has far fewer divorce cases than Dallas or Fort Worth. That along with a fantastic attorney made this move quickly. Even in DFW it can be done in under 90 days with good representation. The key was I made the call to divorce within 5 days of D-Day. The earliest it could be done was June 20. Had she decided to fight me, there's no telling how long it would have taken.

 

The only waiting period is a 60 day wait in case I wanted to remarry.

Edited June 25, 2013 by BryanP37

[Furious]

I see your divorce as not so much as dirvorcing your ex but divorcing yourself from lies and deceit.

 

It's as simple as that.

 

You divorced yourself from what was against your core values and a reclaiming of yourself.

 

I have no doubt that you will never regret your decision to move forward and toward an authentic life.

 

I wish you the best.

Edited June 26, 2013 by Furious

[Steadfast]

I realize you don't need a babysitter but please, go slow on the dating. I don't know you Bryan, but I can almost guarantee that you're not ready. In fact, you might not be ready for a year or two. Resist the urge to rush.

 

Red flag: You're already comparing this new woman to your ex-wife. Green flag: There will be plenty of woman left when you are ready. Plenty.

 

It isn't just being fair to them, or a roadblock to full healing (yet both are true) rushing now doesn't allow sufficient time to mourn your marriage. Believe me when I say the next 12-18 months will define who you are.

 

For yourself, and for others.

 

Fight the urge to need another woman right now. I know it isn't easy, but do all you can to move past the feeling. In time, it'll pass. It's too soon.

[BeholdtheMan]

One in particular turned my stomach. A guy suspects, gets his wife's iPhone, reads a hoard of incriminating texts. He confronts wife out of her sleep. She gaslights by raising hell about him looking at her phone. She finally fesses up with TT. She adds to it with a few more bombshells and plays a blameshift game. The guy gets tough and sets these firm boundaries with NC to the OM with one slip sending her packing. Lo and behold she gets caught texting OM with a fake contact name. Stuff hits fan once again, tells her to leave, argument ensues, and he backs down telling her she's on strike 2. The guy just castrated himself. She knows he won't do squat and she can go on being a cake eater. Meanwhile he's the one scrambling trying to reconnect with HER! That is what I envisioned R would look like with my ex if i gave her a chance. B*LLSH*T!! No way to live folks. A doormat I am not. A lot of life will slip away from this guy before he figures out he's wasting his time.

You said it all with that once sentence. You're not a doormat. You won't castrate yourself.

 

It's quite sad and frustrating that a lot of men (and women) don't realise this simple truth: It doesn't matter whether you want divorce or reconciliation, being a doormat is NEVER the way to go. Respecting yourself and maintaining your dignity is ALWAYS the way to go.

 

The upside of today. A woman my little sister introduced me to over a month ago came by. Now she is comfortable with the idea of going on a date with me. She kept arms length in fear I would do a 180 an take my ex back. Very attractive, but not quite the looker of my ex, but you can tell she has class. Class trumps looks every time in my book. Will be nice to spend some time with class. Stay tuned, things are changing for the better even with a big scar my stomach.

Get well soon. I agree that in serious relationships, class >>>>>>>>>> looks. However, I think an important lesson you can take away from your divorce is that first impressions can be deceiving.

 

Judging character is hard. It's an art that we have to constantly practice throughout our lifetimes. After all, I'm sure you thought your wife was a classy gal before her serial cheating was exposed.

 

I sincerely hope you'll be more perceptive and slightly more cautious this time. You don't want to be fooled by first impressions again. I wish you the best of luck with this new lady.

Edited June 26, 2013 by BeholdtheMan

[BryanP37]

My older sisters have brought up that very point. I do want to socialize with this woman. She is a close friend of my younger sister and I wouldn't do anything to cause a rift between them. I would however like to do some things with her that we have in common like golf, go to Ranger games, or checking out some of the local music clubs. I don't have sights on intimacy just yet. She was rightfully squeamish about being anywhere with me while I was legally married. I have to admit, I do enjoy a woman's company doing those things. Few of her women friends enjoy golfing or the Ranger games. I can picture us becoming great friends.

 

I do realize I am not ready for true dating, but I would like to socialize and reaclimate to being single. I find hanging out with them purely stimulating and may help me in my grief process. My sister has a pretty vast network of friends. This one in particular and I are of very kindred spirits. I will be careful. My siblings will insist.

[Steadfast]

You're divorced. You're adults.

 

This woman wants to f&ck.

 

Don't disappoint her while you are mulling over your life.

 

New name, same dude. Same tired rhetoric of poking, inciting arguments and self-entertainment/gratification through endless quotes of dialog and debate.

[Darth Vader]

My older sisters have brought up that very point. I do want to socialize with this woman. She is a close friend of my younger sister and I wouldn't do anything to cause a rift between them. I would however like to do some things with her that we have in common like golf, go to Ranger games, or checking out some of the local music clubs. I don't have sights on intimacy just yet. She was rightfully squeamish about being anywhere with me while I was legally married. I have to admit, I do enjoy a woman's company doing those things. Few of her women friends enjoy golfing or the Ranger games. I can picture us becoming great friends.

 

I do realize I am not ready for true dating, but I would like to socialize and reaclimate to being single. I find hanging out with them purely stimulating and may help me in my grief process. My sister has a pretty vast network of friends. This one in particular and I are of very kindred spirits. I will be careful. My siblings will insist.

 

 

Great to hear you made it through all the HELL your STBX, Um, rather Ex-Hex put you though! Absolutely amazing outcome for you!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, Now that the dust has settled more or less on BryanP37's divorce, I must say that I feel a little sorry for his ex wife especially after he said that she broke down immediately after the proceedings were finalized. You might wonder why I say this, and quite frankly you may be right, but the fact is that having followed Bryan's story through it's entirety I seem to think that his ex wife in all probability, is of a juvenile frame of mind. Although she occupies the body of a 33 year old woman she is, in fact, mentally, at the level of a 15 or 16 year old. Apparently she thought she was just having fun like a rebellious teen would and to me it appears that she took her husband to be a parental figure who she could rebel against. This does not mean that I think that she should be let off the hook. For the purposes of the law she was an adult and she had to face the consequences of her actions. My sorriness stems from the fact that I see her as a teen rebelling against parental authority but being given a dose of adult punishment.

 

I know this sounds corny but then this is just one aspect of how this whole sorry saga has affected me. I only hope that this episode in her life will make her grow up fast and that she will in future, take her responsibilities both professional, personal and marital with the seriousness they deserve. Thanks for giving me a patient hearing!

[BryanP37]

I think you are absolutely right. My oldest sister came to a similar conclusion early on in the discovery phase when she was trying to keep me from making a hasty decision of dumping her. It occurred to me as well after seeing her reaction when I went nuclear after I confronted her. I'm pretty convinced now she had no idea my reaction would be so extreme and furious and there would be real world consequences. My family called me on it early on and I backed off as i was just adding insult to injury and apologized for my conduct. The consequences were still going to stick.

 

I do feel terrible about the ending of the court proceedings. In a way, I did want to comfort her but I was advised to stay detached. I wasn't surprised she broke down.

 

I feel sorry for her as well. I'm glad it's behind me now. Since I kicked her out, she's lived with her parents except for a brief stay in our house prior to selling it. From what I hear, she's done nothing except go to work and I/C. Her folks say she hasn't socialized. Maybe this is a sign she trying to grow up? I hope so. Once she understands she's an adult, she may end up being a good mate for someone.

 

My own I/C seems to be productive. We've identified some of my shortcomings that played a part in this mess. I won't take responsibility for the direction she chose, but I will own up that I ignored a few key items up front when we were dating that I should have put more thought into. The same could have been said for me. I was having my own brand of fun as an Air Force officer prior to meeting her. Bottom line, we were a bad match. Somehow we made it 7 years before it imploded.

 

Hopefully, both of us are wiser for the experience and it won't repeat.

[BeholdtheMan]

We've identified some of my shortcomings that played a part in this mess. I won't take responsibility for the direction she chose, but I will own up that I ignored a few key items up front when we were dating that I should have put more thought into.

I like this attitude. You can definitely pursue self-improvement as a person, but your ex-Wife was 100% morally culpable for her cheating. The conscious decision was hers.

 

All you have to work on is being a better judge of character and not repeating whatever mistakes you made in your previous marriage.

[Steadfast]

...Now that the dust has settled more or less on BryanP37's divorce, I must say that I feel a little sorry for his ex wife especially after he said that she broke down immediately after the proceedings were finalized. You might wonder why I say this, and quite frankly you may be right, but the fact is that having followed Bryan's story through it's entirety I seem to think that his ex wife in all probability, is of a juvenile frame of mind. Although she occupies the body of a 33 year old woman she is, in fact, mentally, at the level of a 15 or 16 year old.

 

How common is it for people to do whatever they wish, regardless of who it might hurt or effect, all the while holding an apology to be used when it's convenient for them? If you don't grant full exoneration, then it's your love and your ability to forgive that comes into question.

 

It's twisted. But perhaps better explained as simply being juvenile.

 

The world is full of spoiled, entitled children walking around in adult bodies. The inward focus always clouds the outward ability to love and cherish.

 

Good post Just a Guy. This addresses one of the major issues of post-divorce life and healing. Some just can't see the forest for the trees.

Edited July 11, 2013 by Steadfast