Should I give him a second chance?

[LindaSmiley]

So I posted a thread 2 days ago about my boyfriend who I've come to finally realize is very controlling.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/386204-overwhelmed <--There's the link for more details.

 

He went through every email, facebook, phone.. I wasn't allowed to go out or drink at all. He doesn't like me having any contact with males even if they're my family! as I sleep with every man I meet & know. He was just overwhelming & just TOO much.

 

We talked about it all yesterday. He broke down told me about his past relationship were she cheated on him & broke his heart. He told me that he cares about so much & he just doesn't want to lose me. He said that I was really important to him & he just wants to make things work. He told me he loved me a million times. He didn't beg me to stay or act desperate. He wasn't at all angry or acted crazy like I thought he would. He apologized & completely understood where i was coming from. He even told me to change my passwords if I wanted & he told me he would respect my freedom.

 

I asked him if he wanted to come with me to a family get together this weekend & he accepted. My family & friends were all so surprised that I was going because I haven't gone to a family get together in so long. My best friend even told me that it was a big step because she knows how he is.

 

I'm just wondering if it's the right choice. Am I being gullible because I love him or should I truly believe him & give him a chance to prove himself?

 

I really want to believe him. Am I foolish for believing that he will change over night? should I give him the chance?

[masako]

Once bitten twice shy.....of course itsnot ok to be under surveillance all the time and it for sure doesnt feel good...on the other hand he has beenhonest about his motives and i would give him a chance to prove himself if that relationship is important to you as you said...but you have to make it clear that you need more trust in this and he can relax without having to control things he cant control anyway cause otherwise he is on the way of losing you. People act very stupid when they act out of fear but its definitely his own lack of confidence that is standing in his way.

[LindaSmiley]

i dont know how old you are. but you look like in your early 20s

so why wasting time on controlling bfs/

?

you suppose to be free to socialize and hang out with your friends.

 

no one dates to loose their freedom. make no sense.

dont be naive. keep an eye on him. if he keep doing the same , leave him and move on.

 

I'm 22 & He's 23.. It wasn't always like this & I still consider him to be my best friend we have a great time when we're together despite the fact that he can be controlling. It first started around New Years then in February really went too far & I've been trying to deal with it this entire time but I can't. That's why I came on here for advice but I will keep an eye on him. I'm hoping things change. (That's the don't wanna let go part of me) We've been together for almost 2 years. I really feel so comfortable with him & I do really love him.

 

beside people need to stop dating knowing that they have issues to deal with.

you cant keep bringing exes stuff to your new relationships.

 

deal with your issues first.

 

I completely agree with you. It was a shocker to me because he never wanted to talk about his past relationship I just knew it didn't end well. So it kinda makes sense to me. I'm gonna see how this weekend goes. I'm gonna make sure he isn't putting up a front. I'm not one to deal with liars or the runaround. I just want to make sure that I'm not being dumb.

 

thanks for the advice.

[BluEyeL]

These are signs of abuse down the road. I know you'll give him another chance, but things look bleak for the future.

[Cutiepie1976]

My guess too is that you will stay, and ultimately receive even worse treatment. That's invariably how these stories go. In the short-term (six months, possibly a year), things will improve dramatically, but his old habits and behaviors will creep right back in with a vengeance. Initially, it will seem justified, but slowly it tends to devolve right back to where you are right now, and will then quickly get a lot worse. All while you continue to hope, change to accommodate, try to stop it (as you did this go around by eliminating friends, avoiding family, removing all your boundaries, etc.), and focus on the increasingly rare good times to get you through the bad.

 

I wish you could appreciate and see that someone who behaves like this is not truly in love with you. He is not. He is simply trying to control another person (you) completely.

 

If you do stay, at a minimum, do so only if he agrees to counseling.

 

The point of dating is to determine whether you are compatible with someone else, particularly on the basics. In your shoes, I would have enough information to walk away. But I'm not you. You'll have to decide what works for you. What will come after some honeymoon period of wonderful behavior will most likely not be pretty.

 

Good luck.

[kassy]

Agree with the posters above. I think you should move on, this is a slippery slope.

 

If you do, and I think you will, decide to stay please make it on the condition he gets counselling. But I urge you to move on and find someone else who truly knows how to love you.

[SJC2008]

My guess is that you'll stay too. People don't usually change, especially controlling people, it's the way they manage/cope with things and they are facing a bigger internal battle. So unless he admits he's controlling and seeks professional help you're wasting your time.

[curlygirl40]

I haven't read all of your other thread or all of the responses on this one, but wanted to quickly share my story.

 

My ex husband was fairly controlling. Anger issues. He was more controlling in a manipulative kind of way and he controlled me with his anger. Like he wouldn't come out and tell me that I couldn't do something, but he would make my life so miserable if I did that I decided it would be easier not to. Like go out with friends, have family over, meet my mom for lunch, etc. I couldn't do any of that without having to suffer his wrath.

 

I finally had enough and told him I wanted to separate. Once he stopped yelling and screaming and threatening my life, he calmed down and begged me to stay and told me that things would be different. He would do whatever it takes to keep our marriage together. Go to counseling, read books on anger and what it does to the family (I had bought several through the years and never had the guts to give them to him), etc.

 

I agreed. We had been married a long time and had 2 kids and I didn't want to be divorced any more than he did.

 

Things turned around and quickly. He was much nicer, not at all angry, we went on a family vacation, we did more family things together, etc.

 

But it was all fake. He was basically just white knuckling himself to be nice so he didn't lose me. His real self was underneath all of that and within about 2 months it started to come out again. He never did get the help (counseling) that he needed for his anger. He did go to couples counseling with me a few times but the whole time he just blamed me for everything and eventually told me that the counselor was picking on him so he wouldn't go back.

 

So the story is this. Your bf is just going through the motions so he won't lose you. But it won't last. He might try hard, might try to convince you and your family that he's changed and things are different. But people don't change. Not overnight and not without severe intervention they don't.

 

This guy has some deep seated issues and just deciding that things will be different will not be enough.

 

You can give him another chance if you want, but keep your eyes open for the old behaviors to come back because they will.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I very much agree with curlygirl.

 

No person enters a relationship issueless but your boyfriend needs some professional help. If he actually gets some and works on these issues of his, then he is taking proactive steps. But it's very unlikely that now all the sudden is feelings of severe jealousy are just going to go away.

[KatZee]

I'm sure you're going to go ahead and give him this second chance since you "love him," unfortunately people don't just change.

 

He's on the verge of losing you and he knows this. Right now he's going to do and say absolutely anything in order to get you to stay. He's going to shed those crocodile tears, he's going to tell you what you want to hear just to get you all weak in the knees and feeling sorry for him.

 

Really stand your ground b/c the above posters are right. You're on the road to abuse and it's a very dangerous road you're going down.

 

I would again, put the move on hold indefinitely, I would focus on YOUR life, and would hold him at arms distance. I would also refuse to date someone with such issues unless they were doing counseling. This problem isn't just going to go away on its own, no matter how much you love him or want it to work.

[LindaSmiley]

I haven't read all of your other thread or all of the responses on this one, but wanted to quickly share my story.

 

My ex husband was fairly controlling. Anger issues. He was more controlling in a manipulative kind of way and he controlled me with his anger. Like he wouldn't come out and tell me that I couldn't do something, but he would make my life so miserable if I did that I decided it would be easier not to. Like go out with friends, have family over, meet my mom for lunch, etc. I couldn't do any of that without having to suffer his wrath.

 

I finally had enough and told him I wanted to separate. Once he stopped yelling and screaming and threatening my life, he calmed down and begged me to stay and told me that things would be different. He would do whatever it takes to keep our marriage together. Go to counseling, read books on anger and what it does to the family (I had bought several through the years and never had the guts to give them to him), etc.

 

I agreed. We had been married a long time and had 2 kids and I didn't want to be divorced any more than he did.

 

Things turned around and quickly. He was much nicer, not at all angry, we went on a family vacation, we did more family things together, etc.

 

But it was all fake. He was basically just white knuckling himself to be nice so he didn't lose me. His real self was underneath all of that and within about 2 months it started to come out again. He never did get the help (counseling) that he needed for his anger. He did go to couples counseling with me a few times but the whole time he just blamed me for everything and eventually told me that the counselor was picking on him so he wouldn't go back.

 

So the story is this. Your bf is just going through the motions so he won't lose you. But it won't last. He might try hard, might try to convince you and your family that he's changed and things are different. But people don't change. Not overnight and not without severe intervention they don't.

 

This guy has some deep seated issues and just deciding that things will be different will not be enough.

 

You can give him another chance if you want, but keep your eyes open for the old behaviors to come back because they will.

 

Honestly, I don't believe that he's like that. He's not manipulative & it's not a constant thing. He has his moments.. I don't think it was as bad as your ex-husband. I'm gonna take things slow & make sure but I really don't see him as being that type. I need to take a step back & not let my emotions get in the way of my desicions but for now I'm gonna give him that chance to change. I understand that his exes might have hurt him & he's just afraid that I'll cheat but I'm willing to work with him.

 

I would focus on YOUR life, and would hold him at arms distance. I would also refuse to date someone with such issues unless they were doing counseling. This problem isn't just going to go away on its own, no matter how much you love him or want it to work.

 

I changed my passwords & I'm planning on going to Florida with my girlfriends soon. I'm distancing myself & doing all the things I used to. I deserve to be happy & I will do what I please. If things don't change I will walk away. Thanks for all the advice.