Overwhelmed.

[LindaSmiley]

I met my boyfriend on twitter a few years ago. We instantly became friends, we have so much chemistry. We've been "together" for almost 2 years. I see him every month. He's only a 2 hour drive away. Every time we're together we have so much fun. We're planning on moving in with each other this fall. I honestly love him & I want to marry him one day but we have a few issues.

 

In the beginning I was very insecure, I still have some insecurities but I think that it has to do with the distance but I can honestly say it's gotten so much better & I feel confident in us but I can't say the same for my boyfriend.

He's constantly checking through my facebook & my emails. He ALWAYS finds something. I know I've made mistakes but I have never cheated. I know how it feels & I would never.

In the very beginning I was still talking to this guy I went to school with & he was very vulgar/sexual.. I didn't do anything to stop it. (I know I was completely wrong) I felt so guilty even tho I never did anything with this guy. - we got through it but he'll never give up the chance to use it against me because he knows how guilty I felt.

Last year he was texting some girl & lied to me about it. When I found out it hurt me because he lied.. plus i felt even more insecure because she was skinnier, she showed so much skin. I felt ugly compared to her & since then I've dropped it because he'll bring up things that I've done.

After that we got into this huge fight because my ex messaged me over facebook (i ignored it) He saw it & flipped out. Yelled at me for not blocking him.

A few months later I searched for my ex to get in contact with his sister because she has a few books of mine. He completely blew it out of proportion. All he kept saying was that " I want him back" Which is absolutely not the case. I just wanted my stuff back. I let it go. I didn't get my books, I dropped it for the sake of my boyfriend.

 

After that happened EVERY little thing that has to do with other guys means that I'm cheating or that I'm "looking for something new"

He went through old emails found an old email from some guy months ago that I ignored. After that he's ALWAYS going through everything. I get so angry because I hate fighting. I do everything I can to show him that I'm faithful. I deleted my twitter account, deleted almost all my friends on facebook except for family & close friends. I let him check my phone. I don't even text anyone except for him.

 

He has an issue with the relationship I have with my step-dad. He says it's weird how close we are. He doesn't like that I hug & kiss him. (This man is the only father figure I have!) I'm close with my male cousins.. they're like my brothers & they are very vulgar, immature & inappropriate but those are my family members! I'm a very loving person. I always hug my family & kiss them that's just me but I feel like I'm changing for my boyfriend & it puts a strain on all my other relationships.

He even goes through conversations I have with my best friend & my mom!! I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I need to just talk to my best friend about certain things.. not I'm trying to hide anything but I wanna have the relationship I have with my best friend.

I don't know what to do.

All my friends tell me to break it off but I wanna be with him. I love him. He doesn't let me go out. He doesn't let me drink & go to parties. I honestly don't mind not going out but I just wish he would at least trust me. I feel like he thinks I'm gonna sleep with every man i encounter. I'm so committed to this relationship. I want to fix us. I just need help.

 

The fact that we're so far apart is an issue but these insecurities distance us so much more. I keep telling myself that things will get better when we move in together because he'll be able be around but at the same time I want us to be good before we take this big step forward. Everyone is telling me to find better but that just isn't an option for me. I gave my heart to this man & I don't wanna take the easy route.

[TigerCub]

Hey Linda,

 

WOW. I read your post and it is concerning.

If you stay with this guy, move in together and get married - you're going to trap you're self in a very bad situation.

 

This guy is controlling you

Molding you (to accept his treatment of you, guilting you when you don't, etc.)

And getting you to distance yourself from your friends and family.

 

He's doing all that when he's 2 hours away - just imagine what he'll do to you when you live together!! You probably won't be able to step out of your house without his permission and escort.

 

Please read up on abusive relationships.

Please listen to your family & friends in this case.

 

What's your age and what's his?

If you decide to live together, will you be going to where he is or is he coming to where you live?

[Solipsanum]

I agree with TigerCub, in that I'm really worried for you, Linda.

 

The things you've described him doing are not the actions of a caring, loving person. It's not right for him to deny you your privacy and your independence. A relationship should be about mutual trust and respect, not about one person trying to "own" the other and control every aspect of your life. I don't think it's healthy for partners to have no life outside each other, and if he doesn't want you to have your own friends, interests and happiness, that's incredibly worrying.

 

I understand that he probably feels worried and insecure, but that does not give him the right to make you unhappy. Deliberately guilting someone else is always an unpleasant thing to do, taking away another person's privacy is never respectful, and refusing to let someone have fun is not loving.

 

My advice would be to break this off while you still can. If you can't bear to yet, then please at least tell him that he's out of line and should back off.

[flopply hat]

I have experience the same as you a while back now so I know what you are going through. He wont change and it WILL get worse. You may have a difficult time when ending it as end it you must. He will drag you down so the sooner you get out the better.

The one most important thing that keeps a relationship strong, healthy and happy is trust and you don't have it.

[Cutiepie1976]

Pathological insecurity and controlling behavior are not signs of love. What he is doing, particularly having you give up your friendships and distance yourself from your family is unhealthy and dangerous. As it is, you have no boundaries with him, and still it's not enough. I know you think you love him, but if you stay, you will have a terrible experience. Things are going to get much worse for you.

[LindaSmiley]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I decided to look up signs of an abusive relationship & I realized that we have a few of those qualities. He came to see me yesterday & I showed him what I found. We talked for a while. I told him that I couldn't stay in this relationship if he continued with his behavior.. You guys are completely right. I told him that I need his trust & he has no reason to doubt me. I've been the best girlfriend I possibly can. I do everything for him.

 

He opened up to me & told me about his past relationships. He told me that he's realized that I'm really important to him & he is just afraid of losing me. He asked me for a second chance that he would back off & he'd change. He's never opened up to me on this level before. He was close to tears. I believe him but I don't know if it's just because I have feelings for him.

 

Should I trust it? I want to. I really do, I just don't wanna repeat the cycle. I can't handle being locked up like that. This weekend I asked him if he wanted to go to a family dinner party with me & he said he would come with me.. so I thought that was a good sign. I haven't gone to a family gathering in a while.

 

Please, let me know what you think.

 

Again, Thanks for all the great advice.

 

oh & to TigerCub - I'm 22 (Brooklyn) & he's 23 (Philadelphia).

[LindaSmiley]

If you decide to live together, will you be going to where he is or is he coming to where you live?

 

Oh & We've been looking for areas in Pennsylvania.. near Allentown. So we would both be moving an hour away from where we currently live. We're meeting each other half way but since this last talk I told him that we need to hold off on that & work on us first because we aren't as stable & healthy as I want us to be.

[TigerCub]

Oh & We've been looking for areas in Pennsylvania.. near Allentown. So we would both be moving an hour away from where we currently live. We're meeting each other half way but since this last talk I told him that we need to hold off on that & work on us first because we aren't as stable & healthy as I want us to be.

 

Linda you're a smart girl!!

That was totally the advice I was gonna suggest to you and I'm glad that you feel that you should be on stable ground in the R before moving in together.

 

I still have doubts and fears for you with regards to the boyfriend. BUT...If you can see that he's making an effort and he is easing up and giving you space and overtime you see that he's sticking to those changes then I don't see the harm in giving it a chance, but as long as he doesn't back slide and as long as you are happy and safe and still have your friends and family connections. Give it a shot (while you're not living together). But give it enough time. Not just a month, not just 2 months - you really need to see how he does in the long run.

 

Good luck.

 

I'm glad you talked to him and I'm glad you're smart enough to know that it still needs time before moving in.

 

If you see he is backsliding into bad/controlling habits? Would you really be prepared to walk away?

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I disagree with the other posters.

 

You gave him a reason not to trust you very early in the relationship. That's sticking with him and it's the cause for his behavior. You just can't plant that seed and then ignore it.

 

Hopefully, you'll be able to regain his trust.

[KatZee]

Honestly, I would put the idea of moving in together on hold; indefinitely.

 

You need to become your own person. You desperately NEED your own life outside of him. Please reconnect with your friends, STOP showing him your phone, STOP giving him all access free pass into your personal property and your life.

 

Whether he's been hurt in the past is completely irrelevant to the relationship YOU guys have. He's punishing YOU for the hurt he's had in the past. That is not fair.

 

Ever hear the quote, "Love is like a butterfly, hold it too tight and it'll crush" ?

 

That's what he's doing to you. He's crushing you. He has no right keeping you from friends, keeping you isolated, telling you how he feels your family relationships are inappropriate... everything HE'S doing to you is completely inappropriate.

 

I would step back from this relationship. Start seeing your friends again. Be who YOU are. You will see very quickly if your bf is able to handle this. And if he starts lashing out, then you know this relationship is not right for you. A relationship with someone isn't where you're so controlled and so stiffled that you have no room to grow as your own person.

 

I wouldn't trust his words at all. Watch his actions. Start living FOR YOU. If someone invites you out to a bar? GO. Put all your friends back on Facebook. Keep strengthening the relationship you have with your step father and other family members.

[KatZee]

I disagree with the other posters.

 

You gave him a reason not to trust you very early in the relationship. That's sticking with him and it's the cause for his behavior. You just can't plant that seed and then ignore it.

 

Hopefully, you'll be able to regain his trust.

 

What exactly did she do? Her ex reached out and wrote a FB message. She didn't respond. Do you really think she has control of what other people do? She didn't engage at all.

 

Her boyfriend is highly insecure, controlling and manipulative. He's crossing all lines, he has no sense of boundaries, no respect for her personal property, and not too much respect for her at all.

[man_in_the_box]

I met my boyfriend on...

 

wanna take the easy route.

 

Can you honestly look at yourself in the mirror and say this relationship brings you happiness?

[LindaSmiley]

Can you honestly look at yourself in the mirror and say this relationship brings you happiness?

 

I honestly can say that I am happy when we're together. We don't fight often. When it's good it's great.. but when it's bad it's bad. The reasons why I've stayed for so long because I thought after a while it would pass. He would start trusting me but it's taking longer than I expected & I don't plan on letting go of my family & friends.

 

Give it a shot (while you're not living together). But give it enough time. Not just a month, not just 2 months - you really need to see how he does in the long run.

 

Good luck.

 

I'm glad you talked to him and I'm glad you're smart enough to know that it still needs time before moving in.

 

If you see he is backsliding into bad/controlling habits? Would you really be prepared to walk away?

 

If things don't change I will walk away. I can't deal with being controlled this way. That's why I need the advice. I just needed views from someone outside of the situation. I changed all my passwords. He said he would respect my privacy. I told him that we'll talk about moving in when I think we're ready for that next step.

 

Whether he's been hurt in the past is completely irrelevant to the relationship YOU guys have. He's punishing YOU for the hurt he's had in the past. That is not fair.

 

Ever hear the quote, "Love is like a butterfly, hold it too tight and it'll crush" ?

 

That's what he's doing to you. He's crushing you. He has no right keeping you from friends, keeping you isolated, telling you how he feels your family relationships are inappropriate... everything HE'S doing to you is completely inappropriate.

 

I would step back from this relationship. Start seeing your friends again. Be who YOU are. You will see very quickly if your bf is able to handle this. And if he starts lashing out, then you know this relationship is not right for you. A relationship with someone isn't where you're so controlled and so stiffled that you have no room to grow as your own person.

 

I wouldn't trust his words at all. Watch his actions. Start living FOR YOU. If someone invites you out to a bar? GO. Put all your friends back on Facebook. Keep strengthening the relationship you have with your step father and other family members.

 

I don't believe that he's manipulative or that he has ill intentions. I honestly think he let the fear get to him but I won't be naive about it. I'm gonna take this slow & make sure. This Thursday he will be coming to New York & he'll be leaving Sunday. I told him that I was planning a trip to Florida with my girlfriends next month & I'm gonna start hanging out with my friends like I used to. If he chooses to accept it then we can flourish but I don't plan on staying & continue "letting him crush me"

 

Thanks everyone for the advice. I really needed it. I will be smart about it. Thank you all!

[man_in_the_box]

I honestly can say that I am happy when we're together. We don't fight often. When it's good it's great.. but when it's bad it's bad. The reasons why I've stayed for so long because I thought after a while it would pass. He would start trusting me but it's taking longer than I expected & I don't plan on letting go of my family & friends.

 

It's just that I think that the constant monitoring and controlling is going to drain you. And it never stop - just escalates into worse. I've experienced something not nearly as bad as you described and it took all the winds out my sails. Untill I realized that I cannot change someone else but I can protect myself.

 

Best of luck with whatever you do!