What's the worst emotion for you right now?

[destroyed4sho]

Dfosho - I feel ya. What kills me is that when we started this RS, she was so into it and me, and me to her. Then after about 6 or 8 months, we both kinda calmed down. I stayed at this slightly calmed, comfortable level, but she kept dropping. I guess I can see reasons and points along the way, but again, I just wanted this to work so bad. I mean I gave her a ring and resigned to the fact that we would be together forever, and I was great with that!!! Thought that was all it would take. I now realize there is so, so much more to make it work. Just not entirely sure what that is. And I'm pissed that it's too late to apply these lessons to the ex, but that ship has sailed

 

Yeah You sound like you think that there is something you could of done to prevent this from haopening and your beating yourself up about it. There is nothing you could of done to change things. Some people are just done after the infatuation phase, they have reached their LIMIT and cant continue to rreal love or a real relationship either bc they are immature or they have internal issues or they were just not serious in the first place.

Please let go of blaming yourself! You cant control another persons feelings or actions.

There is nothing wrong with you or.some.special ingredient that is missing.......just bad luck or not choosing potential partners wisely.

Edited April 12, 2013 by destroyed4sho

[mtnbiker3000]

My brain knows this, but my heart does not!! I think she wanted it to work as well early on, but then realized it wouldn't and kind of just gave up as time went on. There were other factors too, such as we both lost our teaching jobs and were forced to move to a small town for work. I think this really compounded our problems. And the fuse was lit...

 

We did move very fast in the beginning, We were living together in a matter of weeks... And, she recently admitted that she just wanted a relationship so bad when she met me. Guess I was the poor sap who was first in line. But seriously, I really don't think she knew/knows what she is doing or looking for. And maybe your right, this cycle will just repeat for her. Honestly, I hope not - for her sake.

 

Yes, I am trying to let go of blaming myself, but as you (we all) know, at this stage it is so hard. So many emotions, memories and triggers. Every moment of every day has the potential of unloading a world of s**t on you...

 

Well, I'm trying...

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I needed it this afternoon!!

[destroyed4sho]

My brain knows this, but my heart does not!! I think she wanted it to work as well early on, but then realized it wouldn't and kind of just gave up as time went on. There were other factors too, such as we both lost our teaching jobs and were forced to move to a small town for work. I think this really compounded our problems. And the fuse was lit...

 

We did move very fast in the beginning, We were living together in a matter of weeks... And, she recently admitted that she just wanted a relationship so bad when she met me. Guess I was the poor sap who was first in line. But seriously, I really don't think she knew/knows what she is doing or looking for. And maybe your right, this cycle will just repeat for her. Honestly, I hope not - for her sake.

 

Yes, I am trying to let go of blaming myself, but as you (we all) know, at this stage it is so hard. So many emotions, memories and triggers. Every moment of every day has the potential of unloading a world of s**t on you...

Well, I'm trying...

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I needed it this afternoon!!

 

Yeah, I guess you are in the blaming you stage. My therapist got me out of this stage real fast....he pointed to all the ****ty abusive things she had done that I had been telling him for 2 years, which I had mysteriously forgotten about.

 

So, in your case you are probably just focusing on your insecurities and inadequacies in the relationship and not on hers. Please focus on Hers.

 

And with your stuff, now is the opportunity to improve yourself.

[soccerrprp]

Yeah, I guess you are in the blaming you stage. My therapist got me out of this stage real fast....he pointed to all the ****ty abusive things she had done that I had been telling him for 2 years, which I had mysteriously forgotten about.

 

So, in your case you are probably just focusing on your insecurities and inadequacies in the relationship and not on hers. Please focus on Hers.

 

And with your stuff, now is the opportunity to improve yourself.

 

Completely natural to blame yourself. What could I have done differently? What did I do?

 

But, yes, provided you take responsibility for your part in the failure of the relationship, don't overlook what the other person did to contribute. Or sometimes, it just wasn't meant to be.

[mtnbiker3000]

Or sometimes, it just wasn't meant to be.

 

Ha!! This IS what my ex kept saying. I just thought it was typical BU ease of guilt stuff

 

I mean we did have some core issues that we did not see eye to eye on. It's funny, after the first hour with my therapist, she bluntly stated that what I perceived as little things that could be overcome with a small amount of work, were actually just small manifestations of major personality conflicts and that we should not be together. I was like "Damn!!". I left thinking "nah, she's wrong. she doesn't really know me or my situation" Well she did know, and was dead on!!

 

After that meeting (late Feb), I soon realized and accepted we were done! I don't want her back. I don't want to talk/text/etc her. I just want to start feeling better.

 

Yeah, I do know she was partly/half/mostly responsible for the BU, but it so hard to understand her thoughts and feelings to pinpoint specific events/actions that led to the BU. It's much easier to understand my own actions and how they led to the BU. But, therapy has been helping, as well as LS...

[Am4Real]

It's like riding your bike in a way.

 

Riding along on a level street in a mid-range gear is easy to hold speed and effort; any downhill grade makes the peddling easier but the rider can pick up dangerous leg speed; uphill gets harder and harder and harder to the point the legs simply stall and the momentum stops.

 

Yet, all the while the rider only had to change gears to fit the grade and maintain momentum, its just that they didn't even know there were available gears and how they worked.

 

When people reach a conclusion of "it wasn't meant to be" I often see it as an escape for not knowing how to change gears -- they maintained the level grade effort for the downhill and uphill ride.

 

 

Ha!! This IS what my ex kept saying. I just thought it was typical BU ease of guilt stuff

 

I mean we did have some core issues that we did not see eye to eye on. It's funny, after the first hour with my therapist, she bluntly stated that what I perceived as little things that could be overcome with a small amount of work, were actually just small manifestations of major personality conflicts and that we should not be together. I was like "Damn!!". I left thinking "nah, she's wrong. she doesn't really know me or my situation" Well she did know, and was dead on!!

 

After that meeting (late Feb), I soon realized and accepted we were done! I don't want her back. I don't want to talk/text/etc her. I just want to start feeling better.

 

Yeah, I do know she was partly/half/mostly responsible for the BU, but it so hard to understand her thoughts and feelings to pinpoint specific events/actions that led to the BU. It's much easier to understand my own actions and how they led to the BU. But, therapy has been helping, as well as LS...

[mtnbiker3000]

It's like riding your bike in a way.

 

Riding along on a level street in a mid-range gear is easy to hold speed and effort; any downhill grade makes the peddling easier but the rider can pick up dangerous leg speed; uphill gets harder and harder and harder to the point the legs simply stall and the momentum stops.

 

Yet, all the while the rider only had to change gears to fit the grade and maintain momentum, its just that they didn't even know there were available gears and how they worked.

 

When people reach a conclusion of "it wasn't meant to be" I often see it as an escape for not knowing how to change gears -- they maintained the level grade effort for the downhill and uphill ride.

 

Whenever I try to understand her and her logic, I just think of a time when I broke it off with some girl. It was what it was. I just wasn't into it anymore (usually sexual reasons or petty annoyances). But that usually happened after 2 or 3 months and I wasn't in love. I've never ended a RS after 2 or 3 years. Once I've been around that long, for me it is love and way beyond simply physical gratification. That's the part I don't get. Why wait so long? I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I'm confused today

 

BTW - I like your biking analogy. Makes sense. So, is it that they just lost interest, or just didn't want to put in the work or didn't know how to work at it? Do you think this will happen again to her? Or does it depend on the specific people involved in the RS?

[Am4Real]

Any of those are possible and I don’t think of it as a personal characteristic of either person, more of the chemistry between two unique persons.

 

One LTR I had ran the course over two years. Like you described in the first 2-3- months of meeting and dating, I didn’t guess it would go much past occasional dating. We dated once per week for a few more months and in that latter time I really got to know her, appreciate here and fall in love. The break up was nothing like yours, so it goes without mention.

 

I only mean to tell you there can be phases in a relationship. More on that in a few paragraphs.

 

If I had of stopped dating her in those first few months, I would have never had known the beauty of loving her.

 

Stages in a Relationship

And as in most LTR where love develops, it is not without exclusion that new annoyances and nuances to the relationship enter (CONFLICTS) at any time – in other words not all the annoyances you have judged past partners on show up in the early stages, not to mention some persons who do see them ignore them at first, letting infatuation outweigh them only to become overtaken at a later time.

 

Try not to over analyze it if you can. There are no hard fast rules or expectations. Just know these relationship and partner nuances are unique to every couple and recognize what is happening through the different stages of a relationship – honeymoon, discovery, commitment, struggle, growth and so on…kind of like our analogy of your bike going up the grade, down the grade or holding a steady speed.

 

Some get through it with ease and luck, others stumble into it, understand it and learn from it, some of us just have the wrong person and figure it out both inside and outside of conflict. I think you will become the latter in good time using your “toned down” analytical characteristics.

 

BTW, are you familiar with the EIGHT STAGES of a relationship. [highlight]It’s a must read[/highlight].

 

My parents are all the way at the top and have been for all the time I have known them as an adult. I have failed too many times in the early stages. Hope this note helps as does the reference to the EIGHT STAGES.

 

 

 

 

 

Whenever I try to understand her and her logic, I just think of a time when I broke it off with some girl. It was what it was. I just wasn't into it anymore (usually sexual reasons or petty annoyances). But that usually happened after 2 or 3 months and I wasn't in love. I've never ended a RS after 2 or 3 years. Once I've been around that long, for me it is love and way beyond simply physical gratification. That's the part I don't get. Why wait so long? I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I'm confused today

 

BTW - I like your biking analogy. Makes sense. So, is it that they just lost interest, or just didn't want to put in the work or didn't know how to work at it? Do you think this will happen again to her? Or does it depend on the specific people involved in the RS?