Is love worth it?

[BluEyeL]

Shared interests etc....makes sense. True, you don't need to convince me to date, I was just thinking out loud to see what people think about the topic of dating difficulties, heartache, burnout (that's what I think I experience now), and if it's all worth it in the end I guess I just want to hear people say that they went through all of this trouble, and their life got better in the end, more enriched with love. Someone said that, encouraging. I got very valuable insights from a few people, and I'm grateful, really helped.

[tbf]

In which case, I don't think my advice or TBH's advice apply - I wonder where we both got the idea that you were three months post-divorce.

 

---------------------------

True, although it also took her a long time to sever her bonds post divorce. Otherwise, why only start dating for the past three months? She doesn't appear to be ready to enjoy dating, still in a vulnerable emotional state.

 

RE Dating - in my opinion and experience, emotional and sexual intimacy combined with a shared life, companionship and shared memories are difficult to achieve through any other means.

 

You don't have to date, if you don't feel it's worth it for your particular set of circumstances. It's not our place to persuade you otherwise. No one is putting a gun to your head. The choice is yours to make.

Well said.

 

If you're looking for happy endings, I've remarried post divorce and now have two lovely boys with my second husband. It took a couple of years to restore my equilibrium.

[BluEyeL]

good for you, tbf

[january2011]

Divorced in 2009, took a long time to really finish things off with the ex, and have been dating for three months now.

 

Ah, I see what happened. I misread the above. Apologies, OP.

 

I have a theory, not well tested, but a theory nonetheless. For those coming out of very long relationships, whether married or not, your dating and romantic style are frozen in time. The only dating memories you have are decades old. But times have changed, so you are like a fish out of water.

 

A few years ago, I came out of a 10+ year relationship. In those 10 years, while I was away from the dating scene, internet dating had taken off. Friends-with-benefits and bi-curious dating became more commonplace and "acceptable." I was indeed a fish out of water.

 

Thankfully, I found someone who was in a similar situation. He'd come out of a very long relationship and was a bit taken aback by how the dating world had changed. As it happens, we met on OKCupid and have been in an LDR for two years.

 

I think that the solution, if you continue to date, is to find someone who has been through a similar experience and feels just the same way that you do about dating. In that way, your expectations, goals and behaviour are more likely to match.

 

Otherwise, if you keep coming across people who have been dating on a regular basis/in short-term relationships for most of their adult life, they are probably not going to be a good match. Therefore, it's not suprising that you're a bit fed up.

 

And you've only been doing this for three months, perhaps take a break and try again when you're more motivated.

[curlygirl40]

Anytime! My Kindle gets quite the work out also!

 

Someone had mentioned having fun with dating and you questioned what that meant (casual sex?), for me I try to have fun with dating and I'm not talking about sex.

 

I think you have to view every meeting as a chance to get out of the house, meet a great guy and have some good conversation. You had some company for the evening, maybe got to go to a place you wouldn't have gone, see a movie with someone, have a great meal. Whatever it is you decide to do together. It might not work out. You might end up with a great friend, or a great story about another bad date. But it's all an experience.

 

You learn a lot about yourself through these experiences and you will (should) grow as a person by learning more about yourself.

 

Look at every date as a chance to do something fun, have a good time, have great conversation and to learn something new about yourself. Everything else is gravy.

 

I met up with a guy from Match last fall. I knew right away that it wouldn't work out between us because he was very newly divorced and skittish and I was well on my way and had spent too much time with separated guys to know that they aren't ready for what I'm looking for.

 

He asked me out for a drink so I went. Turns out that he's a really great, funny guy and we know some of the same people (his best friend is friends with my best friend, funny). We spent about 3 hours last night texting and cracking each other up. He had just put his profile back up and wanted my advice and we went from there. He's such a great guy and I'm so grateful to have him as a friend. We went to a comedy club over the winter just as friends. It was fun.

 

Dating can be fun. Sometimes you don't click as a couple but you meet some really great people. Even though yes, I'm still single, I have met some great guys. 3 or 4 of them are still in my life today.

 

So that's what I mean by making dating fun. Throw a positive energy out there and in return it will make things easier. Just enjoy it.

 

A good friend of mine reminded me that at some point in my life, I will probably look back at these days as the good old days. Where I had the whole closet to myself, I could sleep diagonally on the bed, I was free to go wherever with whoever I wanted, where I could stay up until 1:00 a.m texting a great guy who makes me laugh. Enjoy it. Someday someone will come along who will make you want to give all of that up, but for now just enjoy it for what it is and don't worry about what it's not.

 

:-)

[BluEyeL]

Ah, I see what happened. I misread the above. Apologies, OP.

 

I have a theory, not well tested, but a theory nonetheless. For those coming out of very long relationships, whether married or not, your dating and romantic style are frozen in time. The only dating memories you have are decades old. But times have changed, so you are like a fish out of water.

Bingo!! That's so well said, here it is my problem. And everything else in your post is right on!! The whole dating thing kinda blows my mind and I do feel like a fish out of the water.

 

This last guy I liked, so so perfectly matched on paper (where the heck am I going to find another European born professor in this small college town, who likes the same activities I do?)) and I was attracted to him like crazy, came out of a 14yr marriage himself and in January I was his first date, then came back for a second date only in March, but right with the sex that time!! I guess he learned that online, told me some stories, women really throw themselves at men often in OLD it seems, some get really raunchy, I can't keep up. He flat out told me that at my age, there are different expectations (sex). He also didn't date for a few years bc of custody battles, but second date, he came right on with the sex and took me by surprise completely. I think part of the reason it was so difficult to get over him is that besides being a perfect match (except for the sex now thing), somehow I think it was me who screwed it up, by not doing the right thing, and I'm ambitious, overachiever in everything, don't freaking like to lose what I want ) Kept ruminating: I shouldn't have accepted the third date so early, I shouldn't have done this, said that, emailed him first after the third date (The Rules), maybe I shouldn't have made out with him, or on the contrary maybe I should have slept with him (f*** the rules )...etc etc etc In the end, if he really was into me, he would have continued it, even if I emailed first and all of that...

 

At least I learned something from this, next time I'll do better, maybe I'll not screw up things with the next one I'll like.

[BluEyeL]

Anytime! My Kindle gets quite the work out also!

 

Someone had mentioned having fun with dating and you questioned what that meant (casual sex?), for me I try to have fun with dating and I'm not talking about sex.

 

I think you have to view every meeting as a chance to get out of the house, meet a great guy and have some good conversation.

:-)

 

Sounds like the right attitude, I just get confused what does "fun" means. One guy wrote me today "you seem like a fun and adventurous woman". I wonder what he means by that, bc my idea of fun and adventurous might not be his idea of fun and adventurous ) I am tempted to reply that I'm not....

 

I have this attitude most of the time, until I've met this one. Actually, first time we met, although I liked him a lot, I got over him fast because he stopped emailing after 4 days of daily exchanges, so I figured, he met someone else online, it was clear that we were each other's first first dates. So I moved on. The second time he came around though, the date lasted 5 h and I went ga-ga, I threw all theories out the window, and possibly screwed it up. Now, we messaged a bit yesterday polite exchange, and we might stay friendly. Don't know, time will tell. I feel much much better today. Much better. I've been ruminating for exactly two weeks.

 

Liked your story with staying friendly with that guy.

[january2011]

In which case, I don't think my advice or TBH's advice apply - I wonder where we both got the idea that you were three months post-divorce.

 

Oops, I meant TBF - ach sorry.

 

BluEyeL - he changed on you and thus made himself incompatible. I suspect that some men do expect that if you have been sexuallly active all your adult life then you will be more amenable to "giving it up" early. But it's not surprising that those who have come out of a long-term relationship and/or have only been with one sexual partner are probably more likely to be hesitant to jump into bed with the next guy/girl. From what I've witnessed, admittedly second hand, this is more common among women than men.

 

If you come from a generation or culture where it's one man/woman for life and you are post-divorce, it can be somewhat of a shock that your marriage vows didn't mean anything. That you are thrust back out there into the world as though you are a newborn pup starting over again. Except you're not, but you're still having to start over.

 

Sometimes, it just feels "wrong" to have sex with someone else. But here you are and the thought of being celibate or single for the rest of your life seems very lonely and isolating.

 

I wouldn't "give it up" early if it didn't feel right - whatever "early" or "feel right" mean to you. If it means that he breaks up with you, it's his loss. As hurtful as the rejection might be, hindsight might show you that it was the right choice if it sits more in line with your personal values.

 

If you continue dating, especially online dating, you might find that it's easier to stomach if you just take the rejection and multiple one-date dating on the chin and adjust your strategy accordingly.

 

Oh, and there's a difference between dating and relationships, commitment and exclusivity - just in case you hadn't come across this before.

[BluEyeL]

So, update, he emailed today this:

 

"let us stay in contact and do something sometimes ... have a lot of respect for you and enjoy our conversations ... .". I'm tempted to say that I'm a master manipulator to come to this one, and still have a tiny chance to recover from my stupidity. Manipulator, bc I really wanted this one...bad, why cannot just be simple? After first date, my friend asked me how it went and I said just this: "I want him":laugh: I still want him. But we can stay friends. OK, I started to read one of the books you guys recommended. I have to recommend a very short one, very practical, as well:

 

"Make him beg to be your boyfriend in 6 Simple Steps." By Michael Fiore.

 

My problem with "The Rules" and "He's Just Not That Into You" is that they make it sound that you need to be completely passive, 100% and just settle for whoever pursues you the hardest (I know, you don't have to go for it if you don't like him, but still...they say you can't increase attraction at all, but you can). The above one tells you what to do to increase attraction, and make him think it was his idea all along. Problem with this one is that you need to maintain contact to be able to go through the steps, so it is hard to apply to OLD. More to situations when you like someone in an interest group, group of friends, school etc. If you don't have contact with the person, you can't do it.

[BluEyeL]

But here you are and the thought of being celibate or single for the rest of your life seems very lonely and isolating.

 

I wouldn't "give it up" early if it didn't feel right - whatever "early" or "feel right" mean to you. If it means that he breaks up with you, it's his loss. As hurtful as the rejection might be, hindsight might show you that it was the right choice if it sits more in line with your personal values.

 

.

 

Right on. Might take me a while to adjust.

 

I have not much of a problem with rejection after the first date, especially if I'm "meh" about the person. Even with the guy I liked, when he stopped emailing, it wasn't that hard to stomach, yes I was disappointed for one morning. One date, low expectations and I don't like too many people anyway. I liked 3 total, more or less, of course this one the most, but I would have gone out with other two who didn' ask. Actually went out again with one of them, but he stopped there-I didn't care though because he teased me too much on the second date and turned me off). Problem is I'm too intense about the IDEEA of dating, I need to work on that, takes way too much bandwidth, I don't know, I take it as a project or a challenge that I need to win, in any case, it's wrong. I'll talk to my therapist, she's paid to listen and not yawn