Suffering from being ignored and wanting to break NC

[Cogee]

errr..just saw how it posted without.bullet points.....best to go on the thread and read it there.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/372235-what-does-dumper-go-through

 

Yikes, that just touched me in a way I hadn't felt before. I realize that my ex probably wasn't happy with the long distance and the fact that I was putting school as a higher priority than her towards the end. She certainly didn't make any huge efforts to call me but did text me on a regular basis. I guess what our relationship came down to was that we weren't a fit for each other at the point we were at in each other's lives.

 

We tried to make it work, and we definitely had a great time together all the times we were, but the more I look at it from her perspective, the more I can understand where she (as the dumper) might be coming from. She was clearly satisfied when we were able to see each other, but it's the times that we weren't that were the problem. Being long distance this isn't something that's easy to fix until certain criteria are met (namely, in my case finishing up my school).

 

She found someone who better fit her current life desires, so she slowly distanced herself from me. She probably loved me, but I could sense the slow gradual change in her over the last few months. Obviously she didn't feel enough for me to be in a relationship with me through my hardest times and, although it's sad to admit, it takes two to make things work. She had plenty of chances to talk things out with me but the conversation just never came up.

 

The speed at which she entered another relationship and is now getting married indicates to me that she was ready to commit and start a family whereas it would take me another 6 months to get to that point. It's frustrating because I'm arriving at that point just around the time she is getting married, so if she only waited things out a bit longer it could have worked. But maybe she just didn't love me enough. Sad, sad, day.

[Damsel in Distress]

Sorry for making you cry, I didnt.mean to. I wish I was there give you a hug <>.

I dug up an old thread that made me cry early on...but it helped me so much...maybe it will.help you too. Its called 'what do dumpers go through' from purpledust.

 

Thank you Destroyed. I know you didn't mean to make me cry, but I had to face this. You did me a huge service by making me face the truth that I didn't want to face. I had accepted that he has moved on - I haven't seen a thing from him for a month. But I had not accepted that was the breakup talk. Somehow it was easier to be mad at him for leaving it open. It's making me very sad to know it was his final talk, to realize he spent two weeks working himself up to have the talk, and for some reason it makes me feel tender toward him knowing he was trying his best to break up, but I think he couldn't quite make it final because (I'm guessing) he didn't want to grind my heart into the ground - I know he wished that he could do it without hurting me. He said several times that he just wanted me to be happy.

 

This week I've been so angry at him for leaving it open and not following up to tell me it's finally over. And that anger was helping me cope. But now that I'm seeing it in a different way I feel so sad I feel like I have to start over from the beginning in processing and coping with this.

 

Thank you for sharing the perspective of the dumper, destroyed. I do think it describes very well what he went through, and I really appreciate you digging that out for me.

 

One more thing I will add. He told me he was not planning on leaving the relationship, but once this girl expressed her interest it shook up his world and made him think about the advantage of having a local girlfriend. However, I do think he was having thoughts for a few months before. I don't think he was unhappy with ME, but I haven't seen him since September and I think he was feeling the phone calls and chats and video left something missing and was feeling lonely. I look back and see signs that he was trying especially hard to be happy in the relationship - things were very good the month before this happened and I was feeling very connected, but I think that was him trying to force a LDR to be satisfying, but then realizing it can't compete with somebody who is right there.

 

What a sad day But Destroyed please don't feel bad. When I read your words they rang very true - THAT was the breakup talk. And even though I felt like I had been slapped, it was absolutely what I needed to hear to make sense of what I am going through.

So now I feel that it all makes sense. I just have to start recovering.

[cavalier99]

they are happy they are out. you know...weeeee weeee weeeee im free finally!

 

sorta like...i did it..what a releif! ohh G*d he / she is calling again... and begging. i though i was clear. must flee onto new pastures. Weeeeeeee!

[destroyed4sho]

Damn Cav, now your gonna make me cry....lol!!

[Damsel in Distress]

Yikes, that just touched me in a way I hadn't felt before. I realize that my ex probably wasn't happy with the long distance

(snip)

We tried to make it work, and we definitely had a great time together all the times we were, but the more I look at it from her perspective, the more I can understand where she (as the dumper) might be coming from. She was clearly satisfied when we were able to see each other, but it's the times that we weren't that were the problem.

(snip)

 

She found someone who better fit her current life desires, so she slowly distanced herself from me. She probably loved me, but I could sense the slow gradual change in her over the last few months.

(snip)

Sad, sad, day.

 

Cogee our situations have a lot of similarities as we have noted before. It is a sad sad day for me, and I hate that my sad day also led to your sad day. But, I feel that Destroyed has given us both the missing variables that we have been searching for. I feel like I can finally look at my breakup with some clarity instead of feeling bewildered and desperate for answers.

 

I'm really sorry, but I'm really hoping that understanding the story of our breakups will help us both start processing it in a more productive.

 

I'm just pissed I have to go through this sad stage again when I already did it!

[Damsel in Distress]

they are happy they are out. you know...weeeee weeee weeeee im free finally!

 

sorta like...i did it..what a releif! ohh G*d he / she is calling again... and begging. i though i was clear. must flee onto new pastures. Weeeeeeee!

 

Yes Cav, I understand that is true - thanks so much for rubbing it in, lol!

 

My ex disappeared for two weeks before the breakup call. I know he was working himself up to it, making sure he was ready, deciding what to say, etc. Once he got through it I'm sure he was feeling VERY relieved, and even though I came off the call feeling things were still open, I am sure he was thinking "Phew I did it! Now a whole new world is open to me - here I come!!"

 

Thank God I have done absolutely no begging. Before I discovered this site and learned about NC I made a 2 or 3 phone calls over a week (he didn't answer) - and I'm sure he did think "oh god please don't do this" when he saw it was me, lol - but he can blame himself for that - his last words to me were "call any time"!

 

 

Okay, I must now soldier on.

[destroyed4sho]

Sad, sad, day.

 

Maybe in a couple years you will see this as the BEST DAY of your lives.

 

Even though I was hurt and still hurting from the breakup, there is this little voice inside of me that keeps reassuring me that this was the best for me. I don't know where this is coming from, because I am at rock bottom right now in all facets. Regardless, try to focus on yourself now...become a better person, read some self-help books and go to the gym.

 

Someone on here, a while ago posted that going to the gym helped them so much so, that there should be a sign in front of gyms saying "Dumpees enter here".

[Cogee]

I'm just sad because long distance + school (both of us are in grad school) was one of my huge concerns getting into the relationship with her. It even got to the point where I talked about it with her and we stopped dating, but she pursued me like crazy and convinced me to give it a shot which is how we ended up in the year long relationship.

 

Ultimately it seems she lacked the desire to keep it going. It makes me feel as if I was just there as a temporary companion while she found something that would work better for her. I guess she was never really into me, just liked the company, the sex, and being able to share things with someone out of boredom

[Damsel in Distress]

Ultimately it seems she lacked the desire to keep it going. It makes me feel as if I was just there as a temporary companion while she found something that would work better for her. I guess she was never really into me, just liked the company, the sex, and being able to share things with someone out of boredom

 

Cogee, it's easier for me to see because this isn't me, but you are in a trap of negative thinking! In this post you have just dismissed your whole relationship. That extreme negative thinking is only going to make you feel worse.

 

I have no doubt in my mind that the relationship was real and she was truly present in it. She pursued it because it felt right to her at the time, even though it wasn't an ideal situation. You know how people keep saying on here, if somebody loves you they WILL be with you and not withdraw when things are difficult... okay, well during your relationship she did make that effort to be with you even though LDR wasn't ideal for either of you.

 

Clearly things changed during the relationship. All of us here wish our ex's had stayed firm to their professions of love and commitment and plowed through. But that's easy for us to say because we still loved our ex's. For whatever reason our ex's feelings changed, and they no longer had the incentive to plow through, and decided to leave the relationship instead of pushing through. And in your case (and mine) they very quickly found somebody else that they thought would make them happier - that not only they were able to love, but the situation was more what they wanted.

 

But please don't continue the negative thinking dismissing your whole relationship just because of the way she handled it at the end. I know it's extremely painful to see how quickly she moved on. But I truly do not believe she was "never really into you" etc etc. You've made the whole relationship black just because it ended black.

 

Does that make any sense? I hope the tone of this post doesn't come across as too harsh, but as soon as I read what you wrote, the negative thinking was very clear, and I hope you can try to turn your thinking around. Dismissing the whole relationship and her intentions isn't going to help you in your quest to understand.

 

Hang in there.

[Cogee]

You are right Damsel, and I took some time to think more today after I wrote that. No matter what the situation was that resulted in her moving on like she did, I know that I learned a lot from it and have a list of things I am working on.

 

I know that when I am being myself and very relaxed my personality is very attractive, which is what drew all my exes to me in the first place. I think the stress of maintaining the relationship and grad school changed me a bit, but that's almost done. Right now, that part of me is in hiding and I just need to get it back out there.

 

In fairness to her and myself, even though things ended the way they did, there wasn't a ton of animosity towards each other. Even when faced with the doubts, I never acted desperate or begging. I've always been respectful to her and maintained NC (aside from asking for my stuff). No matter what, I know that it was a positive experience on the whole and the future is bright for me either way.