Going NC for the Right Reasons - Discussion

[Compromize]

Good morning all. Broke NC yesterday by responding and had me a$$ handed to me and fresh heartbreak but it's truly over now (more here):

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/382996-broke-nc-after-she-contacted-me-learning-experience

 

The pain is back and I have to go through this mourning period again.

 

It lead me to thinking about NC, reading through more guides, posts, all of the like. Most of us here, it seems, go NC to mitigate the pain but with the hope of getting our EX's back. NC with a little hope sprinkled in, some more liberally than others. NC is terrible for getting back together with your EX. It will create a bigger chasm for the communication that is essential for working on/salvaging a relationship.

 

NC IS NOT FOR GETTING THEM BACK! Going NC for this goal is like using a hammer to change a lightbulb. Things break and the end result is you are left in the dark.

 

NC is for moving on, moving forward, shutting the person causing you pain out, like amputating a limb. You can't expect to put it back on. I know there are "success" stories about giving them space and them coming back. Those are the rare exception, not the rule. I believe that once you get to the point of needing to institute NC, the relationship you once had is gone. A new one with the same person may be created in the future but the old one is letting out its dying breath.

 

I am now a firm believer in NC for the only reason it can work. Moving on with your life and getting back yourself, by yourself.

 

I would like to hear from others, when did you realize what NC really means and what did it take to get you to that point and for the others, the exceptions, where NC really did get them back in your life, when did that happen and what were the circumstances that made it happen.

 

And if you, like me, reached this knowledge by learning the hard way, tell your story here, we need teachers and motivators and examples. To me this place is like AA for those of us addicted to someone.

 

My name is Compromize, and I have an addiction. But I don't want to anymore. I want to be free.

[sweetheart5381]

Good morning all. Broke NC yesterday by responding and had me a$$ handed to me and fresh heartbreak but it's truly over now (more here):

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/382996-broke-nc-after-she-contacted-me-learning-experience

 

The pain is back and I have to go through this mourning period again.

 

It lead me to thinking about NC, reading through more guides, posts, all of the like. Most of us here, it seems, go NC to mitigate the pain but with the hope of getting our EX's back. NC with a little hope sprinkled in, some more liberally than others. NC is terrible for getting back together with your EX. It will create a bigger chasm for the communication that is essential for working on/salvaging a relationship.

 

NC IS NOT FOR GETTING THEM BACK! Going NC for this goal is like using a hammer to change a lightbulb. Things break and the end result is you are left in the dark.

 

NC is for moving on, moving forward, shutting the person causing you pain out, like amputating a limb. You can't expect to put it back on. I know there are "success" stories about giving them space and them coming back. Those are the rare exception, not the rule. I believe that once you get to the point of needing to institute NC, the relationship you once had is gone. A new one with the same person may be created in the future but the old one is letting out its dying breath.

 

I am now a firm believer in NC for the only reason it can work. Moving on with your life and getting back yourself, by yourself.

 

I would like to hear from others, when did you realize what NC really means and what did it take to get you to that point and for the others, the exceptions, where NC really did get them back in your life, when did that happen and what were the circumstances that made it happen.

 

And if you, like me, reached this knowledge by learning the hard way, tell your story here, we need teachers and motivators and examples. To me this place is like AA for those of us addicted to someone.

 

My name is Compromize, and I have an addiction. But I don't want to anymore. I want to be free.

 

No contact is for reclaiming you sense of independence. It's a choice to put the past where it belongs and move on. Always remember that you lived a large portion of your life without your ex quite happily.... there is no reason to believe that you won't resume that way of life after a breakup.

 

I figured this one out when my most recent ex ditched me for another girl, them came crawling back when it didn't pan out. He used me for sex and then blew my off like I was some sort of whore-puppet. It was then that I realized he had me on a string and that string needed to be cut. We have had no contact since last June and I have been incredibly happy being single and independent ever since.

[Amelie1980]

I want to contact my ex. I don't want him ti forgot me. I want him to talk to me, meet me but I don't think he will. he seemed upset by it too.

 

Last time I.got an email.from him I had a.panic attack...I'm too.fragile and.depressed to.cope.

[TaraMaiden]

Good morning all. Broke NC yesterday by responding and had me a$$ handed to me and fresh heartbreak but it's truly over now (more here):

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/382996-broke-nc-after-she-contacted-me-learning-experience

 

The pain is back and I have to go through this mourning period again.

 

It lead me to thinking about NC, reading through more guides, posts, all of the like. Most of us here, it seems, go NC to mitigate the pain but with the hope of getting our EX's back. NC with a little hope sprinkled in, some more liberally than others. NC is terrible for getting back together with your EX. It will create a bigger chasm for the communication that is essential for working on/salvaging a relationship.

 

NC IS NOT FOR GETTING THEM BACK! Going NC for this goal is like using a hammer to change a lightbulb. Things break and the end result is you are left in the dark.

 

NC is for moving on, moving forward, shutting the person causing you pain out, like amputating a limb. You can't expect to put it back on. I know there are "success" stories about giving them space and them coming back. Those are the rare exception, not the rule. I believe that once you get to the point of needing to institute NC, the relationship you once had is gone. A new one with the same person may be created in the future but the old one is letting out its dying breath.

 

I am now a firm believer in NC for the only reason it can work. Moving on with your life and getting back yourself, by yourself.

 

I would like to hear from others, when did you realize what NC really means and what did it take to get you to that point and for the others, the exceptions, where NC really did get them back in your life, when did that happen and what were the circumstances that made it happen.

 

And if you, like me, reached this knowledge by learning the hard way, tell your story here, we need teachers and motivators and examples. To me this place is like AA for those of us addicted to someone.

 

My name is Compromize, and I have an addiction. But I don't want to anymore. I want to be free.

All of the above can be found in my signature.

Have you come across it yet?

[sweetheart5381]

I want to contact my ex. I don't want him ti forgot me. I want him to talk to me, meet me but I don't think he will. he seemed upset by it too.

 

Last time I.got an email.from him I had a.panic attack...I'm too.fragile and.depressed to.cope.

 

I remember feeling as you do right now, but believe me it will pass.

 

He will not forget you, you are a valuable person, not forgettable.

 

Take a few deep breathes and focus on anything but him.

 

Do not contact him.

[Compromize]

All of the above can be found in my signature.

Have you come across it yet?

 

Of course. But sharing my own personal experience can only help promote understanding of it, hence why I posted this. Those of you that have been down this road for a long while know what we freshly broken and mending are still coming to grips with.

 

There is therapeutic release for me in sharing what I am going through and learning the hard way.

[Compromize]

I want to contact my ex. I don't want him ti forgot me. I want him to talk to me, meet me but I don't think he will. he seemed upset by it too.

 

Last time I.got an email.from him I had a.panic attack...I'm too.fragile and.depressed to.cope.

 

He will not forget you just as you will not forget him.

 

I made the mistake of responding yesterday and while it gave me the closure I had been delaying, it hurt severely. My heart just about pounded out of my chest when she texted me. Have a very identifiable notification for her that I forgot to delete in my SMS app when I deleted her contact and that sound alone was like getting punched in the gut so I know how you felt getting the e-mail. Blocking seems to me the best option.

 

Through all this pain there is healing. Day by day. I know the 2 - 3 weeks I had NC prior to this made the pain slowly subside.

 

We are here for you Amelie1980. You have people here thinking of you and wishing you well.

[TaraMaiden]

It's tough, isn't it?

How can something so ephemeral hurt so bad?

 

I read something a while ago (and posted it here, somewhere already) which may put things into perspective.

 

A comedian stood on a stage in front of a large audience, and told a joke.

The whole house roared with laughter.

 

He waited a moment, for the laughing to die down, then repeated the joke.

This time, only a fraction of the audience laughed, and even then, uncertainly.

 

Again, come the silence, he repeated the joke.

This time, nobody laughed, and everyone eyed him strangely.

 

So he then said....

 

"So... you can't laugh at the same joke, over and over again?

Why then do you keep crying over the same thing, over and over again?"

 

Every time we regress, all we're doing is repeating the process of stabbling ourselves in the heart.

[Cogee]

Although I agree with your overall message, and I like the amputation comparison, there are a few things I disagree with:

 

NC is terrible for getting back together with your EX. It will create a bigger chasm for the communication that is essential for working on/salvaging a relationship.

 

When a break up occurs it means the salvaging and working on has failed. It's precisely at that point that there is nothing more to do but to move on. Sure, people can break up and then reconcile very quickly but the reaction to break up instead of working on things is a bad precedent to set and does not bode well for the future of that couple.

 

Of course, every relationship is different and I'm sure there are stories of people who repeatedly broke up and then reconciled who are now married for many years. The point remains, however, that by definition a break up means that the relationship is over so there is nothing to work on or to salvage. It's over.

 

I believe that once you get to the point of needing to institute NC, the relationship you once had is gone. A new one with the same person may be created in the future but the old one is letting out its dying breath.

 

Once you get to the point of a break up the relationship you once had is gone. At that point you have to ask yourself why you want or need to be in contact with someone that you have deep emotional ties to if you cannot act on those emotions any more. Some people have to keep contact because of children, but for the vast majority NC is what makes sense.

 

NC is only a tool for healing, and it's set up precisely because a wound that is repeatedly exposed to a harsh environment will not heal properly.

[Compromize]

Once you get to the point of a break up the relationship you once had is gone. At that point you have to ask yourself why you want or need to be in contact with someone that you have deep emotional ties to if you cannot act on those emotions any more. Some people have to keep contact because of children, but for the vast majority NC is what makes sense.

 

NC is only a tool for healing, and it's set up precisely because a wound that is repeatedly exposed to a harsh environment will not heal properly.

 

Exactly. This was what I am just now fully understanding. I ripped the band-aid off and scrubbed the wound with sandpaper and finished it off by using a disc grinder for good measure.

 

I don't have to contact her for any reason anymore. I have been told goodbye in so many ways, so many times only for her to contact me again after that. I'm done. Truly done. NC is the only way for me to heal.

[Seachelle1]

I have broken NC three times. Twice to try and arrange a less painful situation when he moved in next door with his new gf. He ignored the emails so I went over to his house and made it clear to him how much his choices had hurt me.

 

The only helpful thing from breaking NC (and it's a big deal) I don't think he's gonna come by my house unless he really has to. I made it explicit that he should avoid me and I should avoid him. His gf will avoid me too and not say stupid stuff to me anymore. Thank god!

 

After his gf came by I went crazy obsessing and just hurting. It reopened a lot of wounds, not just from the relationship. Now my ex is posting horrible stuff about me online. How is it helpful to me to care about that, how is it helpful to have them in my life in any way, shape or form? They proved to me that I'm garbage to them. Now I need to show myself that I deserve someone who loves and cares about me, even with all my problems. I need to stay far away from people who don't treat me well and treat my family well.

[TheWeeknd]

I would like to hear from others, when did you realize what NC really means and what did it take to get you to that point and for the others, the exceptions, where NC really did get them back in your life, when did that happen and what were the circumstances that made it happen.

 

My story is unique since both of those things happened to me. I used NC to move on and heal but in turn it also caused my ex to come back after realizing what she lost.

 

I made the same mistakes like everyone else but not to the degree of begging. I basically tried to talk my ex out of breaking up with me logically. I finally gave up all hope after she blamed all the breakup on me and told me that we will not have a future together.

 

A few weeks after going full on NC, she returned to me begging me to not cut her out of my life and that she finally knew what I meant to her and how much she loved me after seeing me move on from her.

 

In my opinion NC is a necessity if and when you know there is nothing else you can do to salvage a relationship. If you personally have done nothing wrong to cause the breakup, then I would suggest full on NC to heal yourself and maybe, just maybe you might be able to show the dumper just how much it means to fully lose you.