Getting my parents to accept my ex boyfriend?

[BrokenHearted101]

This more than likely my final thread in this forum for a long time. Either way, this is either our second chance, or our finishing point.

We want to get back together, he wants me, and I want him,a nd we both feel we can not only start from scratch but be stronger for it.

 

However, there is a HUGE problem: My parents. I live with them while finishing my undergrad (I can't afford to live on my own and go to school full time, and they were not going to help pay). I'm the oldest of four children, in a extremely conservative, religious household. I have an early curfew, etc etc. Actually, I use to not have a curfew..because I never went out after it got dark. Example: I wasn't even allowed to go out on my 21st birthday.

 

My dad is the main issue right now. He's very controlling, and has never liked any guy I've dated. Neither of my parents lived at home during college. They both lived away, out of state (on my grandparents money).

During my boyfriend and I's relationship, dad always made it like I was betraying my family by having a boyfriend. Dad would text me snarky, bad things about what a "dumb girl" i was while i was out, things that would make me so upset i would shake. You can imagine this put a toll on my relationship, too.

 

Boyfriend did something really bad the end of December, causing our breakup--When I found out, and broke up with him, Dad smiled and told everyone, that if bf and i ever get back together, he will kick me out. I think that's pretty extreme.

His new tangent is if he sees my ex (boyfriend) he will "shoot him, take the punishment and go to jail." I think it modern society we see that as pretty ridiculous.

 

My dad and I have never had a good relationship, when I was younger he was physically abusive and still is verbally. He was abused when he was young too, so he thinks this is how you "raise 'em right".

 

Anyways, my ex and I want back together. There's been a lot going on, and he definitely has other girls pursuing him. He wants to apologize to my dad, and have a sit down talk with my parents. I agree that's the only way. He wont get back together if we cant talk to my parents. He told me, "I need to talk to them Em, and soon, or it's time for us to both move on. This has been going on for months."

 

Anyone have advice on how to broach this to my dad? My mom knows everything--she's angry about it, but she is accepting it is my love life and my choice at age 21. Is there anything I can say to make them realize they cannot make my choices for me, without ruining the already strained parent-child relationship?Most of my dad is hot air, but it's hard to know what of that is real and what is not.

He's very temperamental, and his moods can change violently in a mtter of minutes. I need advice, and I need it soon.

Edited March 28, 2013 by BrokenHearted101

[geegirl]

I don't know how to help you with this but will say that my parents were the same way.

 

I was able to live my life only by moving out. Yes, you are 21 but I can bet my bottom dollar that your dad is tied to the old school saying, "If you live under my roof, you live by my rules."

 

Talk to him and tell him where you stand with your ex and if he is open to talking, it's a step forward. Be mature, be confident and be calm.

 

But if he is the type that is controlling and temperamental, he's probably not going to budge.

[january2011]

You can't make them change their minds. Especially if they are not rational people and are likely to resort to violence and threats when they don't get their way.

 

All you can do is play the waiting game until you become emotionally and financially independent. Then you get the final say in how you run your life.

 

Your boyfriend is going to have to understand this and not force the issue with your dad. Otherwise, perhaps he is not the guy for you. Forget the pressure of other girls chasing him - if he wants to be with you, he wants to be with you.

 

Get all your ducks in a row, study hard and intern if you can spare the time so that you're in a better position to land a job when you graduate. Save your money and move out. If your boyfriend is not there to meet you at the other end, then so be it. You are in your early 20s, you have time to, "kiss a few frogs." Unless your life is in danger, the situation really is not as desperate as you think it is. And if your life is in danger, get yourself to a woman's shelter asap.

[Calvin's wagon]

Brokenhearted, at the moment I can't write a complete answer to your post (will try to do it tomorrow, or Saturday at the latest - I hope you come back to check it out), but I would like to ask you to clarify something - you wrote that he told you "I need to talk to them Em, and soon, or it's time for us to both move on. This has been going on for months."

 

What exactly does he mean by this? Does that mean that he's saying that unless your parents "accept him"/"forgive him"/... in the near (how near?) future, he will break up with you? And is one of his conditions that you get your parents to convince them to let him stay over, let you out after dark, ...? I'm just trying to figure out what he wants.

 

And most of all I'm asking to figure out whether I think his behaviour is, in my opinion, unreasonable, "entitlement"-like and too inflexible, especially given the fact that he did something so bad to warrant you breaking up with him in the first place. And I think most parents, even those that aren't very controlling, would be reluctant to forgive their kid's significant other who has hurt their kid so much.

 

 

So I think he has to be patient and willing to work hard and tolerate a certain amount of dislike from your parents and a certain amount of impracticality of you still living at home. Like others have said, how much he is willing to compromise and stand by you in these tough times will, in my opinion as well, be an important sign of how good of a boyfriend he is for/to you.

 

 

Just an example of what I had to deal with - when I started seeing my ex gf (early twenties), her father was really strict about her seeing guys. So I had to do a lot of things that were uncomfortable and somewhat demeaning - sometimes I would have to hide in her closet/behind the doors when he would come to her room; if I wanted to stay at her overnight, in the morning I would have to sneak out of the house; I would have to constantly be careful to never hold her hand/hug/... her when he or certain other family members were present etc. It wasn't really horrible, but it certainly was unpleasant. However, I understood that she was doing her best to maneouvre around her father and that she had little influence over her father. So not only didn't I threaten her that I will break up with her if her father doesn't accept me, but I tried to comfort her as much as possible when it was hard for b/c of her father. And I didn't hurt her before or do anything that would cause him to dislike me personally (well, except for being the wrong ethnicity:D).

 

Anyway, I wish he would accept his part of the responsibility (nothwithstanding the big problem of how your father behaves - abuse) for the dislike, and be a source of support for you.

 

Best of wishes, and I shall try to reply further soon!

 

(P.S.: In case you're not planning on coming back, I would just try to recommend you to read a book called "Toxic parents" by Susan Forward - available online in PDF if you google it)

[tbf]

While your father's abusive, when it comes to your ex, I'll have to agree with him.

 

Reread this thread of yours and reconsider getting back with this guy.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/375366-he-told-me-he-never-wants-speak-me-again-over-can-t-stop-crying

[january2011]

Ok. Do not get back with your ex. Make plans to move out and become financially independent. You don't need all this drama and emotional power playing while you are trying to study.

[BrokenHearted101]

While your father's abusive, when it comes to your ex, I'll have to agree with him.

 

Reread this thread of yours and reconsider getting back with this guy.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/375366-he-told-me-he-never-wants-speak-me-again-over-can-t-stop-crying

 

 

Agree that thread's bad. Agree some of his past actions are bad, as our mine. But he is where my heart is, he wants to make things work and so do I..so we're trying to start over (definitely NOT pick up where we left off). I appreciate the "don't do it" advice, but I'm going to.

Im just trying to see if anyone has any words of wisdom for talking to my dad about this.

 

The ex IS a good guy. We've had some hard times in the last 4 months..but prior to that...I've never met/seen anyone like him.

 

And all he really wants from my parents, is my dad to acknowledge him, and him to at least be able to drive up the driveway to pick me up for dates. He's not expecting my parents to like him, just respect that he does love me, has done wrong, and wants to make things right. That's all he wants from my parents.

No bending of the rules, curfew, or anything else. I'd say that's more than generous.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

First of all, I think it might be helpful if you talk to your mom in private about this situation, if your relationship with her is good (in the sense of her not actively verbally abusing you). Maybe she can give you some advice. What is your relationship with your mom? What does she think of your boyfriend, you getting back with him, your dad not liking him?

 

 

I would like to reiterate my advice for you to read the book Toxic Parents, especially the part about abusive parents. For two reasons:

1.) First of all, it will help you understand why your dad (and mom) are acting the way they are (that he hasn't like any of your boyfriends, is abusive, is derisive of him,...). And if you will understand him better, it will be, to be blunt, easier for you to achieve the changes you desire (even though I think it's a hard and long process to change behaviour that has been going on for 10, 15+ years, but it can be done).

 

2.) Secondly, I think, given what you wrote us, it will be really important for your future well-being (not just romantic relationships) to address how your dad's abuse affected you... Sometimes we people underestimate how much our parents' actions have affected us - that was certainly the case with me.

 

 

 

Also, I would like to echo what others (January2011,...) have said - are you in danger of physical abuse/being hurt if you will try to open this question with your mom/dad? If there's a slight chance of that, please let us know! And I would strongly advise you to post one more thread in the "abuse" section of her. Also, try to read up online on this issues, contact support groups, ...

 

 

And lastly, regarding how your boyfriend feels - I can understand that his ego and esteem are affected by your parents/dad's refusal to respect him... But two things:

1.) In my opinion, he has to realize that he has to earn back his respect by long-term actions -> I think it would be much easier for any parent to start respecting their kid's boyfriend/girlfriend (after them doing sth bad/break-up) after a certain time of "good behaviour". So I think it's hard for your boyfriend to except that you will magically do something in the next couple of days/weeks to make your parents start to acknowledge him again etc. But I hope it would be easier if tried firstly to show you and them for the next several months that he cares for you, treats you respectfully, ... And after that, after he has put a lot of effort and work and respect into treating you respectfully, it will be easier for him to wish that your parents will start to acknowledge/respect him. Again, I'm not saying they will (especially given the issues shown in your parents not related to him), but it will increase the odds.

 

2.) This is the time for him to be understand and supportive of you! My god, you're dealing with very strict and (at least verbally) abusive parents and it's obvious that it's really hard for you to live with them! He should be the one offering support and comfort in these times, to help you get through this! But he's piling even more pressure on you by insisting you change your parents "very soon" (I'm not sure of his exact words), which might even further worsen your relationship with them. And for what? For him to be acknowledged and be able to able to pick you up at your driveway,...? Like you said, he doesn't want the rules to change, so why is this so important to him that it happens so soon? Why is it not more important to him what happens to you and your relationship with your parents, how you feel?

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't be with him, I'm just trying to show you why I hope he will understand that you're in a very tough spot right now, and that he will temporarily set aside his wishes for respect/acknowledgement and support you.

 

Especially since he can still have a good relationship with you even though your parents dislike him, even though you have to meet slightly further off your driveway (ok, if you live in a dangerous neighborhood, that is a problem and changes everything - I hope your parents put your safety before their dislike of him... - please let us know). Like he said, he doesn't want anything "real", "rules" to change...

 

So another of my advice would be to talk to him, to explain him how hard it is for you, that you wish things were different but, given how this does not prevent your relationship to be a very good one, that you hope that at least for the time being he will not pressure you into dealing/arguing with your parents about/over him... Get him to read some articles, testimonials, books, on parental abuse, effect on relationships... - hopefully more information for him will help...

 

I understand that it's hard when you think your girlfriend's parents don't like you, respect you, acknowledge you, really, I do. But he has to bear in mind that as long as you are allowed to date him, meet him, he doesn't need your parents' approval to enjoy spending time with you and having a great relationship. Your relationship and feelings are between you two, not between him and your parents... It would be different if your parents' dislike would prevent you two objectively (by not allowing to see him etc.) to have a good relationship...

 

 

Ok, that's what I think so far. I hope we have been helpful and I hope that we will be able to help you further.

 

Best wishes!

[tbf]

Do you understand the wisdom of this paraphrased quote:

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

[BeenAround]

IMO.....you shouldn't be put in the place to choose between your parents and your boyfriend. If either side is giving you that ultimatium they don't care about what YOU want.

 

When people LOVE you they won't put you in that situation.......this is YOUR life and YOUR choices and they should support whatever decision YOU make.

 

I'm sorry but I truly believe that when someone loves you they should support the choices you make even if they feel it is a mistake. You learn from mistakes but they have to be your to make in the first place.

 

You also should be careful how much information you share about your "personal life" with others. There has no be a reason your parents have such strongs feelings against him...........did you fuel their fire by sharing too much information with them regarding your personal life with your bf?

 

Anyway, this is your life and others should not be allowed to control it.