spirius Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 You may have read my previous posts. long and short is that we weren't very happy, but now it is done I feel devastated. It was kinda of a mutual decision. I told her I thought we made a mistake and she decided we hadn't. She went on to clarify she cares about me, but does not love me anymore. I'm getting there. Spent alot of time at my parents just for company this week. Occasionally getting weak and texting breezily. Get some conversation back and then she just "forgets" to reply. This is what hurts me the most. I know she is moving on, but my head can't process how you can be practically harassing someone with contact one day and dead cold the next. I also torture myself with regrets about my behaviour forgetting hers entirely (and she was awful at the start). How long till I stop waking up to this dreadful sinking feeling. I find myself looking round the flat trying to find some trace that she existed. And at other times I am occupying her territory. Made the bed look different and sleep in the middle. That has taken a week or so. I never wanted this to end, I did care about her but her behaviour was making me miserable. I did some bad things and feel so dreadful about making someone I care about feel unloved. But my honest opinion is she isnt bothered anyway and is just looking forward. Seems happy enough to overnight switch to "normal conversation" only. meanwhile I'm left with a terrible sense of loss
TaraMaiden Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 So it would be accurate to say you've been in NC for less than a week. Of course it hurts, it's still 'fresh'. What do you expect?? Recovery may well take a couple of months. Anything up to around 6. Maybe even more.... Providing you sincerely, religiously and seriously stick to NC. But you won't. Not many people do nowadays. It seems to be a developing habit among dumpees to stick NC out for at least a fortnight, then make jocular reconnection with their ex, under the impression that it's all cool, and they're just fine now..... Boom.....
Author spirius Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Yeah I have already made that mistake. And it all seems fine, until a message goes unanswered...probably innocently enough...and I'm left reeling. We have to have a certain amount of contact and in a way it has been reassuring given the weight of my regrets, that she can't think I'm an utter psycho if she is willing to still lend me the tent I need for the weekend as its the only thing suitable to fit me and the kids. It's the camping event at the weekend and I'm kind of dreading it. Half of me believes that being around friends and taking ownership of the hobby outside "me and her" is important and as they say, is part of healing. The other half makes me think i'l be worrying what she is doing and pining for her. What do you make of the sudden coldness? Is this common? I can't understand how people can be like that. Makes me feel like the whole relationship must have meant nothing. We broke up two weeks ago yesterday and been trying not to contact since last Monday. I followed advice and completely removed her from FB and 15 of our mutual friends as well. I now can't stoke the fire of my imagination (as much).
TaraMaiden Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I never answer questions about the other person's thought processes and actions. Why? Because there are NO answers. The only question anyone should be asking in relation to ex-behaviour, is NOT "Why are they doing....?" but - "What do I do in response?" And the correct response is - Ignore. Maintain NC. Carry on.
Cogee Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Yeah, it's very difficult to say why they are acting the way they are. My ex from 2 months ago went complete NC with me (and I with her) immediately after the breakup until a month later when I asked for her to return my things. Even in that small email exchange I could tell she was not wanting to respond at all. Why? I have no idea. I know that she is engaged now so she must be very happy. Being engaged one would think that she would be inflicting torture on herself by thinking of me, so it's understandable why she wouldn't. There is simply no room for me in her life any more. 1
Author spirius Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Any tips on letting go? I want to let go, but it keeps throttling me from behind. I feel okay at times and then "doesn't she care? is she seeing someone?" starts raging around my head and just end up crying or going to sleep I have this background anxiety about the whole situation and seem to want to ascribe things to it, as it does not dissipate. I worry about angering her and spilling the beans on me. or that she thinks im a horrible person and stuff. cant seem to get the old nogging to accept that it just does not matter anymore. this is what happens when forming a bubble around a relationship and believing in that bubble's internal reality. when it popped (and i thought i wanted it to pop) I went slip sliding on a soapy trail to madness!
Minneloa Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 (edited) Wait, if you are still texting her, you haven"t yet started NC. Every time you contact her, you are reactivating your feelings, especially hope for a response. This is a painful roller coaster, and it is delaying the beginning of your healing. No Contact, while certainly an emotionally difficult process, is designed to provide you with the time and space to process your loss and grief. I know it probably seems counterintuitive to you right now, but I urge you to cut your ex off completely. The only way out of the pain is through it. Ok, I now see that you are in an LC situation. I'll be back with a link to an excellent recent post on making LC more effective. M. Edited March 26, 2013 by Minneloa
Minneloa Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Here's the link; I hope it is helpful. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/374190-nc-best-how-about-we-beef-up-lc Also, I'm not sure what the circumstances of your LC are, but I would keep any contact to an absolute minimum, especially right now. Sending good thoughts. M.
Author spirius Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Thank you for the link, makes interesting reading. Really I don't need as much contact as that guy. We do share a hobby and a group of friends, but that doesn't have to mean anything than being civil. The concern is more how I respond to being near her, I think. I'm also worried that the kids will go running up to her as she has been in their lives for two years...will she handle it appropriately? Will this break NC for them? etc
Recommended Posts