NC is best, how about we beef-up LC?

[TheBladeRunner]

Just wanted to share some of the Limited Contact stuff I have implemented. I have a child with my EW (cheater, liar,....you get it). For those contemplating being friends with the ex, sorry, but not a wise choice. All it did was depress me and make me physically ill (literally) for the 5 months I tried it. We do have a child together so NC is next to impossible, but limited contact can (and has) been achieved and has really helped me. Thanks to TaraMaiden and the CaliGuy for putting what should be common sense into words! (some of us are slow learners).

 

Here's what I did:

 

1. I put her on notice! I wrote an epic e-mail describing my feelings, I made it about how I feel. I did not bother to get into "what she did", this I found to be pointless and it only pissed ME off. I came to terms with myself that she will more than likely NEVER admit what the real problem was. Even if she did, I had to ask myself if what she said would even be sufficient. She cheated on me multiple times and in my book, there is never a reason to cheat on someone that is supposed to be you best friend. In the e-mail I basically explained that "I" needed separation because "I" was hurting so bad; NOT that what she did hurt me; I made it all about me. I know she hurt me and that is all that really matters. She more than likely does not care. (OK, she doesn't)

 

The e-mail basically told her that I did NOT want to be her friend anymore and again, with an emphasis on me, I basically stated that I cannot be friends with ANYONE (didn't want to single her out ) that would treat another human being the way I have been treated. I did finish by saying that "If you have any hopes of becoming friends in the future, please honor my boundaries". We all have a list of things that we want to do in our lives. The second to last thing I want to do in my life is have shards of glass packed into my eye balls; can you guess what the last thing is? Being her friend!

 

2. I unfriended her from any social networks I am on. I don't want to know what she does and what I do is no longer her business. This was hard to do, but I even unfriended people that we were mutual friends with, again, I don't want to know what she is up to or her me.

 

3. As angry as I was, I had made a pact with myself that I WOULD NOT bad-mouth the EW to my child. Let's face it folks (be honest) who doesn't want to be the favorite parent? I have not and will not get involved with making my four and a half year old a weapon.

 

4. After cutting the bogus friendship off, I remained friendly and kept everything to "strictly business". Notice I said "friendly", but I am not her friend. I suggest that when you do need contact with the other parent, put on that smile (even a fake one) and keep it as short as possible. Keep your answers to yes and no if at all possible as well. And no matter what......don't ever lose your cool, don't feed the beast! See #6

 

5. Made a rule that unless it is an emergency, she cannot call without first asking via e-mail or text. She has to tell me what it pertains to as well; no subject and body, no call. This has really helped yield getting calls that only pertain to my daughter or the non-contested divorce; strictly business.

 

6. I fully realize that I will have to see her again, and I made a commitment to MYSELF that when I do, no matter what a jerk she is or what she says, I will not get angry. I will not feed the beast. For example, she basically says it's my fault she went outside the marriage, this is not true as I was never abusive and heck, I loved her with all my heart. Hearing this makes no sense and makes me mad. If I choose to get angry, all I do is give her the "juice" to say "see, he didn't meet my needs". In the end I realized that I cannot meet her needs as I feel that you need to feel good about yourself, nobody can do that for you.

 

7. I keep information limited and primarily answer with yes and no answers. I went to close on our house with her and I made as little eye contact as possible and when she asked me if I was dating I responded it was not her concern. She will find out I am dating when my daughter tells her. Not sure if any of you other single parents feel the way I do, but I refuse to drag multiple woman in front of my young daughter. When I do meet someone I want to have a relationship with, then they will meet my daughter, hence, she will tell her mom. Not doing this to be spiteful, but I don't need her approval to date. See point #2.

 

8. The guy who lives above me had the same issues. Early on he told me "It's not gonna' go the way you want it, but eventually it will go your way". This was after I went on a tirade about how my EW handles my daughter. I know this sucks, and it was hard for me too, but I cannot control what goes on with my daughter's mom. It took awhile, but I forced myself to a point where I had to accept this. When you are able to do this I assure you it will bring you peace. It still gets to me sometimes, but not as bad as it used to.

 

9. I learned to see my daughter upset. If she falls and hurts herself, I am there, if she is frustrated, I try to help, but when she cry's and says "I miss mommy", I have to just let it happen, hold her, and say "I know". Early on in the separation, my EW would call say say "can you come deal with this", and like a total idiot, I would come-a-running. I got myself to a point emotionally where I realized that this whole mess was a choice she made and a friend told me to "let her deal with it". It was good advice and I followed it. It wasn't easy, but it had to be done. The reality is that it sucks my daughter misses her mom and dad together, but these brief bouts of difficulty only last about three minutes now......it is a loooooong three minutes.

 

10. Just like some of the recommendations by TaraMaiden and the CaliGuy for "NC", I have made a choice to work on myself. I do regular IC and I go to a Bruce Fisher Divorce Rebuilders Group and events. I have found that through intense work on myself I am becoming way less angry than when it first happened. Heck, with some of the clarity I have now, I am even moving towards forgiveness. NO! This does not mean I will reconcile, this just means I cannot and will not go through this as a victim and angry for the rest of my life (although the anger is a part of the process).

 

11. Finally, I have a custody agreement that allows me to have all the exchanges take place at her preschool. Typically on the weeks I am supposed to have her Friday, Sat., Sun., Mon., and Tues. Nights, she will go to her mom's on Sunday and vice-versa when she is with her mom. This practice will be stopping soon as I don't care to deal with my EW at all right now. Will this change? Maybe, but for now all I know is that by taking the steps I have toward my own healing, I have become a happier soon-to-be-divorced guy, a better parent, and a happier parent with my child.

 

12. Sorry, one more: I realized that this is MY life now and that I need to live it to it's fullest. If you were cheated on and tossed away like trash, if your life was thrust into turmoil, if your life was destroyed, you have a right to be mad as hell! DON'T give yourself the right to stay that way. I hate that saying from all my friends, "You'll see, it will get better". "It", my relationship with my EW may never get better, BUT IT WILL BE DIFFERENT! And frankly, different has been pretty good!

 

If you have any comments, ideas, or what YOU are doing with LC, throw it up here, we need all the help we can get. Doing NC and LC is not an easy task, but I will say that in the end it is soooooooooooo worth it! I did it for me, I deserve to live my new life.........and you do too! Thanks for reading this.

[NoLeafClover]

Props for the way you are/have been handling things. This was a collision you had to face headon and you did the best by coming to terms with yourself and accepting the fact that your partner is never going to admin to her mistakes.

 

It's hard to deal with certain people let alone when you have a child together.

I do agree when you said about dating other women and not bringing them around your kids unless you are sure. You don't owe your ex any explenation on your dating life. Even better, let her find out from your child.

 

Be strong, looks like the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter for you my friend.

[worldgonewrong]

Awesome post.

Had to bump it up.

[TheBladeRunner]

Thanks WGW, the LC has really helped me heal and I really wanted to pass on the success I have had wit it.

[evondavis1]

Your list is EXACTLY the same as my list, except I am a woman. It took a few months, but I am handling my ex with as much LC as possible. He still tries to engage in conversation, how are you blah blah blah. but I ignore, ignore, ignore. He also blamed me for everything, and I was sick of it. Even blaming me for his rebound marriage and now she is pregnant. Oh yeah, this is my fault LOL!

 

Anyways, I even started a seperation support recovery group and it helps so much. My ex doesn't have any boundaries, so I am the one to put them in place, and I am the one in control now. He is nothing to me anymore. No friends, just business. What he did to me is disgusting, and it has taken 6 months to come out of the fog, each day is getting better.

 

Good job on your recovery. Your list is fantastic!

[BarbecueMan666]

While I'm not a parent, your post definitely was a great one, was a pleasure to read. You seem like a solid chap who's dealing with a breakup in a way with grace and rationale. Congrats

[flitzanu]

sounds like you've been paying attention

 

good luck with this in the future, i'd say you're on a good path.

[missjones4812]

Thank you so much for this. I have made no contact with my ex other than things pertaining to our son. He cheated on us and walked out and moved in with the trash bag the same day. I went through the whole stage of trying to get him back, only boosting up his ego. Stupid mistakes. All has been going well for me until this am, there is a text asking for the dvd player he left when he decided to walk out of our life. "If you are not using it". Where the Hell did this come from? You expect me to go out of my way to get your dvd player out of storage that you said you didn't need after you cheated, walked out on your family, moved in with her the same day and have continually broke my heart everyday since then, for you and the girl you left your family for? I say HELL NO. And he didn't even say please. I have and will continue to ignore this. If and when it gets brought up again, I plan to implement the steps you have set forth above. Don't bother me with anything unrelated to our child. You are "happier" now? Then go be happy and stay the f--- out of our life.

Thank you for this. You put into words exactly what action I need to take to move on and get out of this stage of despair I am in.

[TheBladeRunner]

Thank you so much for this. I have made no contact with my ex other than things pertaining to our son. He cheated on us and walked out and moved in with the trash bag the same day. I went through the whole stage of trying to get him back, only boosting up his ego. Stupid mistakes. All has been going well for me until this am, there is a text asking for the dvd player he left when he decided to walk out of our life. "If you are not using it". Where the Hell did this come from?

 

Thanks missjones, glad it helps! To answer your question where did it come from? It could be any number of things. More than likely it stems from his own guilt and I am sure he is trying hard to find a way to stay in touch in hopes you'll have a conversation that will make HIM feel better. As far as the DVD player?????? Heck, they are cheap! Tell em' to go buy a new one! When I left after the flood came, I forgot to take my DVD; rather than ask for it back, I bought a new one.

 

You touched a nerve for me when you said "he cheated on us"; that is how I feel about my SBXW as well. Not only did she cheat on me, but she cheated on my daughter and the family unit as well.

 

Keep it strictly business and it will get better for you a whole lot faster.

[TheBladeRunner]

Quick bump! I wanted to push this back up for others to read as everything I implemented in this post has worked out very well.

 

It's been just over a year since I posted this and I have to say that it really helped with the healing and the current relationship I have with my XW. As I mentioned, complete NC would have been preferred, but when you have a child that is hard to do.

 

The BEST info in this post is to establish boundaries (and KEEP them), never lose your cool, and always be friendly.....but not necessarily be friends. These days the divorce' drama is pretty non existent and my daughter is doing better than I thought she ever could; I attribute a lot of the healing going so well because of what I have learned in this forum, sticking to the rules in my original post, and keeping the boundaries and rules I set.

 

WE decide how others will treat us, we are in control if we work at it.

[KaliKatherine]

I was wondering what most people with kids have found best to do with social media. Since my ex is in another state, I worry about unfriending him...I don't post many kid photos ( and I email him photos a couple times a week) I feel it's unfair for our other friends to see photos of our kids but not him.

 

No cheating on either end on this case. Just a pattern manipulative/controlling behavior, domestic theft.

 

He has started to comment a occasionally on photos, even when it was a photo I'd already sent to him. Once he asked a question in the comment ( which I didn't respond to) I'm hoping this doesn't increase to the point where I feel it's necessary to unfriend.

[Haydn]

Great post blade. Thanks.

[TheBladeRunner]

I was wondering what most people with kids have found best to do with social media. Since my ex is in another state, I worry about unfriending him...I don't post many kid photos ( and I email him photos a couple times a week) I feel it's unfair for our other friends to see photos of our kids but not him.

 

No cheating on either end on this case. Just a pattern manipulative/controlling behavior, domestic theft.

 

He has started to comment a occasionally on photos, even when it was a photo I'd already sent to him. Once he asked a question in the comment ( which I didn't respond to) I'm hoping this doesn't increase to the point where I feel it's necessary to unfriend.

 

Hi KaliK, these days I actually have mine back on Facebook for the same reason regarding kid pics. Depending on how the relationship is post divorce should dictate what you will and won't do. I had mine off all my social media for about a year before I finally healed enough to where we are kinda' friends. Don't get me wrong, she is NOT my BFF, but through the healing I have been able to have some contact but it is still limited.