"Getting over it" - how long?

[cocorico]

How long is "long enough" to expect someone to get over an A? I've seen suggestions on the Infidelity forum that a BS takes 2-5 years to get over an A when the WS stays. But what if he leaves? How long is it reasonable to put up with bizarre behaviour for a fBS who still can't move on?

 

It has been longer than the 2-5 years, yet the drive-byes, online stalking etc continues, as does the petty theft etc when we go away. When she broke into our home months after he left and rifled through my underwear etc while we were away, we made allowances and didn't involve law enforcement, even though we had enough evidence to convict, because we thought, she'll eventually get over it and move on.

 

Only, she hasn't.

[Owl]

I kinda agree with BNB.

 

She's clearly "not over it"...so there's no way to set a deadline by which she should be 'over it'.

 

Given that...there's also no reason why you have to accept behavior that is potentially illegal, and/or intimidating/threatening to you.

 

File for a restraining order, demonstrate that she's stalking you and that it's impacting your life or making you feel threatened/insecure...and get the legal system to put an end to her behavior/actions.

 

Sometimes the only way to modify someone's behavior is to set and enforce clear boundaries, with solid consequences.

[MissBee]

She seems pretty atypical. Breaking in and going through underwear drawers? She has other issues besides needing to "get over it" IMO. As while the time frame is different for everyone depending on what happened/their mental health/support system etc...most do not end up doing criminal things. Those who do may have other issues going on with them that are little more than an inability to let go. Their inability to let go may be because of their other issues.

 

Most people, like those who come on LS often, are hurt and not over it on the inside but none would be the wiser as they do not act out in criminal or crazy ways.

[eleanorrigby]

It took me way more then 5 years to "get over it", but luckily I was not criminally inclined.

[Pierre]

How long is "long enough" to expect someone to get over an A? I've seen suggestions on the Infidelity forum that a BS takes 2-5 years to get over an A when the WS stays. But what if he leaves? How long is it reasonable to put up with bizarre behaviour for a fBS who still can't move on?

 

It has been longer than the 2-5 years, yet the drive-byes, online stalking etc continues, as does the petty theft etc when we go away. When she broke into our home months after he left and rifled through my underwear etc while we were away, we made allowances and didn't involve law enforcement, even though we had enough evidence to convict, because we thought, she'll eventually get over it and move on.

 

Only, she hasn't.

 

This has nothing to do with getting over an affair. Your H was married to a very unstable irrational woman. Please be careful!

 

What you describe sounds horrible! I cannot believe why she is not in jail for entering your home while you were gone. How come you did not press charges. People like this will not stop unless you do something.

 

Is your H afraid of her? Why not report this?

 

The "bunny boiler" syndrome also includes betrayed wives.

Edited March 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[carhill]

IMO, it varies by person, relevant to the person's psychology. In general, I found professional psychological help really fostered the 'moving on' process for myself on all fronts. It was so different and striking that I can't find any other reason or process to explain it. I don't know if it was the same for my exW, but she had another guy living with her before we were divorced, so I presume she 'got over' my version of an affair rapidly and in good health. We chose different paths, me alone, her with someone else, but the results appear to have been similar. Neither has 'stalked' the other.

 

OP, TBH, as I was single for many years, I dated divorcees who were still raging at their ex'es for years (in some cases over a decade) after the divorce, for whatever reason, with stated infidelity being amongst them, and believe it was more about the psychology of those individuals than the acts/circumstances which precipitated the divorce. I saw this markedly in my AP/fMW; in fact, her vitriol seemed far more potent after the divorce than when we knew each other while she was married. It was then that I understood the dynamic was more about her and that her fH was incidental to the issue.

 

As an anecdote, my exW shared many years ago that her first M ended partially due to the actions, over many years, of the 'psycho' ex of her first H. I don't know if that's true, but those were her words. Her actions in/post to our M appear to support that she is/was in no way a 'psycho', so I tend to believe her. It happens. My sympathies. Good luck.

[LFH]

She's got serious issues. SERIOUS issues. Is there someone in her family that your H can reach out to perhaps to consider having her mental state evaluated? She doesn't need to agree to an overnight eval and it might be comfier than a night in jail.

I guess it's time to stop being nice and assuming she'll "get over it" because obviously she hasn't and probably isn't going to.

There was a recent discussion about another BS who is out of control and my advice was to involve law enforcement. I say the same here. Whether she's hurting or not doesn't give her the right to break the law.

[cocorico]

That's right. You HAD to get married so you could be together in your country. Did she seriously move to that country as well? Sounds... interesting.

 

We live most of the year in his country, and part of the year in mine. She lives in his country, about a 45 minute drive from where we live.

[MissBee]

This has nothing to do with getting over an affair. Your H was married to a very unstable irrational woman. Please be careful!

What you describe sounds horrible! I cannot believe why she is not in jail for entering your home while you were gone. How come you did not press charges. People like this will not stop unless you do something.

 

Is your H afraid of her? Why not report this?

 

The "bunny boiler" syndrome also includes betrayed wives.

 

I agree!

 

This isn't just some par for the course, normal stage all BSs go through post-A/post-D. This is an exceptional case of someone who probably has mental health issues. And that is a whole different kettle of fish entirely than average and should be dealt with as such.

 

Indeed, if one is mentally unstable, normal timelines will not apply to you, so one cannot judge a mentally unstable person's time frame in the same way one would judge other people's. She indeed won't just "snap out of it" if she is irrational and unhinged, which everything I have heard, seems that way. So I would take it to the authorities frankly.

[cocorico]

wow, if she did that, I'd be really concerned. That goes way beyond the simple 'hangup calls', rude emails, etc.

 

If she's willing to follow him around like that, go to the trouble of finding out when you are going to be away so she can break in, that sounds pretty serious, and perhaps pressing charges may be in order.

 

do you know how she is finding out information about your schedule, when you are going to be away, etc.? If so, cutting off that supply of information to her is a good idea.

 

We live in a tiny village. Telling the postie we will be away (she will store our mail until we return) means the whole village knows the neighbour's keep an eye out (especially when it freezes, in case any pipes burst) but they're quite far away and can't see everything. Also, we tell his kids when we'll be away (as well as the rest of his family, friends, colleagues etc) so there really is no way of keeping that all quiet. Those people all legitimately need to know, and even of we didn't tell a soul, she'd still be able to spot it on one of her drive byes.

 

I've changed the locks, and not given the kids copies of the new keys (I'm sure their occasional "loss" of keys has more to do with those being taken off them than young people's carelessness...) and next time were away, will leave keys with the neighbours instead and let them know that if they want to get in, they should pick up (and return...) the keys there. We're also considering security cameras. We wanted some for outside, to watch the wildlife that comes at night, and there are some nice web-based systems that you can monitor from anywhere. That might help.

 

TBH I've seen pressing charges very much as a last resort. Not just because my H still feels some of that White Knight within himself that undertook to keep her safe against the hostile outside world, although obviously that's made him far less keen to get really heavy. But this is a small place. Pressing charges will have the same effect as taking out a front page ad in a national newspaper. The kids have just gotten their lives together, are making a go of it after decades of struggling. It's not something I'd lightly do to them.

[MissBee]

How did she get custody of her kids if she behaves so crazily?

 

I'm really concerned about this. That if she is stealing keys, driving by your house, breaking in...I mean how exactly does she manage to parent well when she is obsessed with you all?

 

It seems crazy unhealthy and scary for them and everyone else. Does she badmouth you all to the kids or does she somehow act rationally with them but reserves the crazy for night time or whenever she sneaks away to spy or drive-by? Do the children know about what she does? It seems like if she is so out of control it would be hard for that not to bleed into how she treats them especially with regards to poisoning their relationship with you. Kids are also pretty astute. It seems quite a lot to juggle, to have a mom who is obsessed with their dad's W and then the W and mom not getting along and attempting to separate the two lives while sharing kids. It's A LOT! Hats off to you all for that.

Edited March 19, 2013 by MissBee

[cocorico]

She's got serious issues. SERIOUS issues. Is there someone in her family that your H can reach out to perhaps to consider having her mental state evaluated? She doesn't need to agree to an overnight eval and it might be comfier than a night in jail.

I guess it's time to stop being nice and assuming she'll "get over it" because obviously she hasn't and probably isn't going to.

There was a recent discussion about another BS who is out of control and my advice was to involve law enforcement. I say the same here. Whether she's hurting or not doesn't give her the right to break the law.

 

She will not consent to any kind of intervention. She does not consider herself to have any problems. She cut herself off from her family decades ago and AFAIK does not have any friends besides a deeply delusional alcoholic who lives very far away, and another former colleague whose H left her for his OW who subsequently also lost her job, who may or may not be a partner in crime but who has not moved on herself, either, and may be keeping her in the same mind space. And the kids... who don't see her often, usually find it upsetting enough, and at their age should not be lumped with that kind of call, IMO.

 

I must admit, my own inclination is to gather evidence and to confront her myself, and warn her that if she persists, I *will* take it as far as it needs to go, though I've been hanging back on that out of consideration for my H and the kids. It will be a whole before our next trip, so I'll get systems in place before then, and just hope it won't be necessary.

[cocorico]

How did she get custody of her kids if she behaves so crazily?

 

I'm really concerned about this. That if she is stealing keys, driving by your house, breaking in...I mean how exactly does she manage to parent well when she is obsessed with you all?

 

It seems crazy unhealthy and scary for them and everyone else. Does she badmouth you all to the kids or does she somehow act rationally with them but reserves the crazy for night time or whenever she sneaks away to spy or drive-by? Do the children know about what she does? It seems like if she is so out of control it would be hard for that not to bleed into how she treats them especially with regards to poisoning their relationship with you. Kids are also pretty astute. It seems quite a lot to juggle, to have a mom who is obsessed with their dad's W and then the W and mom not getting along and attempting to separate the two lives while sharing kids. It's A LOT! Hats off to you all for that.

 

She didn't. The D settlement offered shared custody with the proviso that the kids would themselves choose where they wanted to be when, so they were with us pretty much all the time they weren't at friends (they were older teens by then). They have since left home (to work and study).

[whichwayisup]

How long is "long enough" to expect someone to get over an A? I've seen suggestions on the Infidelity forum that a BS takes 2-5 years to get over an A when the WS stays. But what if he leaves? How long is it reasonable to put up with bizarre behaviour for a fBS who still can't move on?

 

It has been longer than the 2-5 years, yet the drive-byes, online stalking etc continues, as does the petty theft etc when we go away. When she broke into our home months after he left and rifled through my underwear etc while we were away, we made allowances and didn't involve law enforcement, even though we had enough evidence to convict, because we thought, she'll eventually get over it and move on.

 

Only, she hasn't.

 

Most BS's aren't like the one in your situation. Yours seems to have other issues going on and for her to try to hang on and act creepy, do break in's and stalk is not normal and she needs help so she can work through it all and be happy again.

 

Maybe it is time to involve the police or at least get her ex to speak to her family (mom/dad, siblings, best friend) to get her help and possibly get assessed by a Dr. this way everybody can go on with their lives and you don't have to look over your shoulder and worry about what is going to happen next.

[MissBee]

She didn't. The D settlement offered shared custody with the proviso that the kids would themselves choose where they wanted to be when, so they were with us pretty much all the time they weren't at friends (they were older teens by then). They have since left home (to work and study).

 

So how does she get their keys to your house?

 

Do they know about her behavior?

 

Is their relationship with her estranged?

[whichwayisup]

I must admit, my own inclination is to gather evidence and to confront her myself, and warn her that if she persists, I *will* take it as far as it needs to go, though I've been hanging back on that out of consideration for my H and the kids. It will be a whole before our next trip, so I'll get systems in place before then, and just hope it won't be necessary.

 

DO involve your partner in this since it is his ex. If you take it all on yourself and confront her, you're putting your own life at risk and possible danger. You don't need to be the hero or be the one who ends up in the hospital because she loses it on you.

 

GET the cops involved and let your partner know enough is enough, that you all can't go on like this. It isn't about revenge or hurting her on purpose, though she probably will feel the way, and that will just show that - SHE needs therapy and help by professionals asap!!

[whichwayisup]

TBH I've seen pressing charges very much as a last resort. Not just because my H still feels some of that White Knight within himself that undertook to keep her safe against the hostile outside world, although obviously that's made him far less keen to get really heavy. But this is a small place. Pressing charges will have the same effect as taking out a front page ad in a national newspaper. The kids have just gotten their lives together, are making a go of it after decades of struggling. It's not something I'd lightly do to them.

 

Who cares? Really if she is that mentally unbalanced, wouldn't you rather deal with 'gossip' for a little while than what she could be capable of? Doing nothing and waiting to see what happens next could be someone's funeral. Sorry, but nip in this ass NOW before you all wish you had done something earlier. Who knows what she is capable of.

 

Has it been 2 - 5 years since their marriage ended?

[cocorico]

Thanks to all who responded.

 

I guess I was hoping to hear that, given time, she'd get over it and lose interest. Or that, if we did A, B, or C, she'd move on. I've been suppressing my own natural instinct on this (to confront) out of consideration for H and the kids, and because I don't know her from a bar of soap and was willing to be advised by others who did, at least up to this point.

 

H still holds an "innocent until proven guilty" view on some things for which the evidence is less compelling, and is still inclined to look for alternate explanations of why she might legitimately have been here, etc, because obviously it's hard for him to accept that the woman he once M, with whom he had kids, with whom he lived for so long, could really do all this. (I'm more inclined to believe impartial witnesses, being less invested.) So I do think incontrovertible evidence is a must, initially.

 

We were all kind of expecting that, once the kids left home, she'd sell up and move on, too. She's retired, there isn't anything. Keeping her here, but she just downsized and bought a smaller place on the other side of the town so that's clearly not on her agenda.

[whichwayisup]

H still holds an "innocent until proven guilty" view on some things for which the evidence is less compelling, and is still inclined to look for alternate explanations of why she might legitimately have been here, etc, because obviously it's hard for him to accept that the woman he once M, with whom he had kids, with whom he lived for so long, could really do all this. (I'm more inclined to believe impartial witnesses, being less invested.) So I do think incontrovertible evidence is a must, initially.

Then this is your issue with him and not so much her. You need to gently push him and show him that she isn't the same woman he married years ago. She is not the happy go lucky woman, mother of his children. Though I'm sure he feels guilty and bad that he had a helping hand in creating this monster, by having an A. (Just curious, how long was your A before she found out and they divorced?)

[Pierre]

Thanks to all who responded.

 

I guess I was hoping to hear that, given time, she'd get over it and lose interest. Or that, if we did A, B, or C, she'd move on. I've been suppressing my own natural instinct on this (to confront) out of consideration for H and the kids, and because I don't know her from a bar of soap and was willing to be advised by others who did, at least up to this point.

 

H still holds an "innocent until proven guilty" view on some things for which the evidence is less compelling, and is still inclined to look for alternate explanations of why she might legitimately have been here, etc, because obviously it's hard for him to accept that the woman he once M, with whom he had kids, with whom he lived for so long, could really do all this. (I'm more inclined to believe impartial witnesses, being less invested.) So I do think incontrovertible evidence is a must, initially.

 

We were all kind of expecting that, once the kids left home, she'd sell up and move on, too. She's retired, there isn't anything. Keeping her here, but she just downsized and bought a smaller place on the other side of the town so that's clearly not on her agenda.

 

OK, if she is old and retired. If she spent most of her life with her H then she is mourning a lot of territory which is much more than the break up of a six month romance. As she approaches old age she finds herself alone and with no options. This is probably difficult to endure, but nevertheless, she must be unbalanced and was probably not a good wife.

 

A healthy person would not break into a house like that. I would also be aware personal attacks by this woman. She could easily go postal and take all of you down. Be very careful with her.

 

Perhaps a last option is to make her part of the family. This may be enough to calm her thirst to be somebody once again.

[MissBee]

no offense, but she lives 45 away from you ( from what you've said) . She has no reason to move on just because she retired...it's not like she lives next door to you or even in the same tiny village...

 

if she's willing to drive 45 minutes ( 90 round trip) out of her way to spy on you and see what you are doing, then there's not much logic to anything she does...

 

if the people in your village find out that you reported her for breaking and entering your home, why does that matter? all the gossip could be that you'd had a burglary...they'd likely be very supportive of you

 

I agree.

 

At this point it is beyond wishful thinking, and might also be delusional on your H's part, if you guys are thinking this woman, whom you've said has done lots of outlandish things, will somehow move on quietly.

 

Has she ever done anything to prove to you that she will/is capable of simply moving on? You have only ever presented her as irrational and unhinged, and from your posts, without knowing her personally, I wouldn't assume she would just move on, so not sure why you thought she would. It is simply wishing thinking frankly, as she has only given evidence to the contrary. It doesn't seem like at any point you considered her rational so I don't see how she could graduate from unhinged to rational without a miracle lol.

 

It seems like you're the only one with your eyes open in your marriage re: the exBS, which may be problematic, especially if the crazy person at hand is the mother of your spouse's children. It is difficult to deal with a crazy person alone, esp one who is ONLY in your life because of your partner. It is bizarre that your H, who had to have an A because of his intolerance for this woman, and after all you said you guys have been through, is still still searching for alternative explanations. Hasn't he seen/experienced her crazy for himself? So why isn't he backing you on this? What more is left for him to admit it and act accordingly?I don't want to have a blended family, however, if that is what I am offered, it would ONLY be where my husband is FULLY IN and FULLY AWARE and spearheads dealing with his kid's mom, as I don't think it is my place and I shouldn't be the one leading the charge against her while he is denial. I would be very annoyed at this! Have you guys dealt with this in counseling? How to conduct your blended family and who should be in charge of mediating? Or are you satisfied with his way of handling/not handling it?

Edited March 19, 2013 by MissBee

[Owl]

I must admit, my own inclination is to gather evidence and to confront her myself, and warn her that if she persists, I *will* take it as far as it needs to go, though I've been hanging back on that out of consideration for my H and the kids. It will be a whole before our next trip, so I'll get systems in place before then, and just hope it won't be necessary.

 

I wouldn't suggest that YOU do a confrontation with someone in her mindset. This is far too likely to end badly, and make matters worse rather than better.

 

Don't attempt to negotiate matters with her. Simply document what's gone on, and take it to the authorities and let them deal with it. They have the 'power' to enforce a change in behavior that you don't have. Nor is it likely she'd be receptive to anything you suggest/insist upon...she will only view this in a negative fashion if it comes from you.

[whichwayisup]

How D-day was handled, how your H treated her during the A, after the A is a contributing factor in this on some level, being pushed past her emotional limit. Not that it is an excuse for her behaviour - But this could be why he is protective and can't see things for what they are now, who she's turned into.

 

When your D-day occured, was it messy? How he did he (and you) handle her once she found out? Was there sympathy or more just get out, life goes on, I love someone else, get over it, let go and leave us alone? As I said, this isn't a justification to her behaviour now, but how it was handled from d-day on, IS a contributing factor as something in her broke and she's had a breakdown. And she needs mental help - I'm stressing this so you can talk to him and make him understand that ignoring the problem isn't helping anybody, it's making it worse.

[cocorico]

So how does she get their keys to your house?

 

Do they know about her behavior?

 

Is their relationship with her estranged?

 

They see each other once in a blue moon, usually her visiting them. They don't know the details.

 

So the kids are older? If they are older, they should know what their mother is like, and if they are close to you, then they should not have any problem with you protecting yourself...

 

how old is this woman anyway? from what you've said , she's at least in her late 50's, early 60's...maybe there is more going on than just not letting go...

 

She's in her mid 60s.

 

They do know what she's like, but they've also been pretty vulnerable themselves. They're only just really getting it together again after some difficult early years.

 

do you have a security system for when you're away for a long period of time? makes sense no matter what if you are away six months out of the year...keeps burglars out...

 

We're seldom away for that length of time, and this really is a low crime area. Few people lock their doors, still. The worst crime is people not cleaning up dog poo, or occasionally a kid from the local kids' home will spray paint a rude word on a stop sign. Usually misspelled...

 

But yes, some kind of security might be necessary.

 

Who cares? Really if she is that mentally unbalanced, wouldn't you rather deal with 'gossip' for a little while than what she could be capable of? Doing nothing and waiting to see what happens next could be someone's funeral. Sorry, but nip in this ass NOW before you all wish you had done something earlier. Who knows what she is capable of.[\quote]

 

Gossip is the least of my worries. I'm concerned about the impact on the kids - they've had their own emotional problems in the past, and having their mother publicly vaunted as the local (criminal) loon won't do their recovery any help.

 

Has it been 2 - 5 years since their marriage ended?

 

And then some...

[Washingmachine1980]

Unfortunately, she will probably act this way until she finds someone else. It sounds like she is pretty angry and bitter so that will keep her from having successful relationships. Apparently she feels that she can keep acting this way and get away with. Be careful. Might want to get a guard dog. Even a small one could do the trick if she gets in your house again.