Coping Vortex Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 It's been 3 1/2 months since the BU. the ex had been seeing a guy two after our BU. (I still have my suspicions she was talking to him before that). I like everyone else here have been distraught and missing her terribly. We have had NC and LC over the course of the BU. she would vacillate between "I don't love you I love the memory of you to I still do love you." She kept telling me their relationship isn't that tight etc. and other breadcrumbs. And string alongs. Well this past week I told her that it obvious she is not leaving him and that we should say goodbye. She admitted she is in love with him and committed to him. I asked her to meet me one last time as I wanted to remember the feeling of looking into her eyes one last time. I wanted to say goodbye give a big hug and wish her well and that I will never forget her. She refused to see me. Because she is committed to him she doesn't think it's right. (The woman who cheated on her husband through out her marriage.) Look I know she doesn't owe me anything but she knows I'm hurting the least she could do is be a little decent. Not to mention the fact that we knew each other for years and dated for years. She has only known this guy for a few months. I was there for her when she wanted to get out of marriage and her husband treated her horribly. I'm the one she called to pick up the pieces and restore her self esteem after he verbally abused her. I was the one she leaned on when she had family issues. I was there for her when her divorce went through and money was tight. I even gave her $500 so her kids could a good Xmas. (We were broken up by then) I even offered to buy her dental insurance as she had no insurance after the divorce. Countess times I was there for her. I was her lover her friend her confidant her counselor. She even got an ankle tat that said courage. She said the tat was to remind her what I meant to her what I did for her. So now after all of what we meant to each other and the intensity of the love in our relationship, the least I felt she could do was be a little decent and say goodbye in person. I know no one owes anything when a relationship BU but we had been through a lot together. Always with me being there for her. I feel hurt she couldn't spare a few hours to say goodbye after years of sharing a life together. I thought I would have some more meaning to her than some guy she has known for a few months. Amazing how quickly our ex's forget what we meant to them.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 That would have been incredibly awkward for her. I don't really blame her for not doing that. Maybe now you can finally start to really let go of this and actually heal instead of the endless cycle you've been in. While it doesn't seem this way now, her refusing to do this is good for all parties, yourself included. No more false hope, no more drama, no more confusion, at least none that's not self-imposed. And what kind of goodbye lasts hours? That would throw up a red flag if I was on the receiving end. A good bye is basically good bye.
Author Coping Vortex Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 That would have been incredibly awkward for her. I don't really blame her for not doing that. Maybe now you can finally start to really let go of this and actually heal instead of the endless cycle you've been in. While it doesn't seem this way now, her refusing to do this is good for all parties, yourself included. No more false hope, no more drama, no more confusion, at least none that's not self-imposed. And what kind of goodbye lasts hours? That would throw up a red flag if I was on the receiving end. A good bye is basically good bye. Over lunch talking. Just doesn't seem right as we knew each other for years. If we dated for a few months I would understand. But we have been a major part of each others lives for a long long time. I have already begun to let go. Trust me we tried NC LC met up talked. All of it. She is not coming back. I accepted that. Just wanted to not have the last time I saw her the last time I saw her. There are a few people in your life that have that major impact in your life. Trust me I know deep down she would want to see me to say goodbye too but she is scared. Her loyalty to him is an excuse but she wields it well.
thefooloftheyear Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I know its not what you want to hear but she did you a favor....Really.. Try and put it behind you, I know its hard. TFOY 1
Simon Phoenix Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Over lunch talking. Just doesn't seem right as we knew each other for years. If we dated for a few months I would understand. But we have been a major part of each others lives for a long long time. I have already begun to let go. Trust me we tried NC LC met up talked. All of it. She is not coming back. I accepted that. Just wanted to not have the last time I saw her the last time I saw her. There are a few people in your life that have that major impact in your life. Trust me I know deep down she would want to see me to say goodbye too but she is scared. Her loyalty to him is an excuse but she wields it well. Of course she's scared. And I don't really get what you mean by the "last time I saw here be the last time I saw her" thing. Wouldn't that always be the case? But like the saying goes "Everything ends badly. If it didn't, it wouldn't end." Sucks you have to go through this, but ultimately I think this isn't nearly as bad of a thing as you think it is.
NoBrainer Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 This is going to sound harsh, but you need to grow a set. Trust me, I know where you're coming from. I AM you! I wanted closure. My ex broke up with me through texting. That really sucked. I pestered her for weeks trying to get her to meet with me to say goodbye. It just made me look like a wimp. She went on plenty of fish three weeks after our break up saying that she wanted a REAL man for a change. Ouch. If I could do it all over again, I would have never texted her back right after she dumped me. But, I thought, we had something special. She secretly wants me to pursue her! I was an idiot. I gave her my balls. I should have just vanished. You should too. 1
Amelie1980 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Why don't you leave it about 6 months and ask if she wants to meet.
TaraMaiden Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 (edited) There are some great sayings flying around at the moment, and some are attributed to Betty White (The Golden Girls). I have a feeling she probably didn't actually say this one - or maybe she did.... Anyway, 'she said' people shouldn't be told to grow some balls. Balls are soft and delicate and hurt like mad. They should be told to grow a vagina, because those can take a pounding and still come up smiling. Coping Vortex: Sorry pal. She did exactly the right thing. You've set yourself so far back you probably don't even know where square one is; but sadly, this is entirely self-inflicted. She was absolutely right in saying this is a bad idea, and to be honest, you really should feel like an idiot for even suggesting it. And don't get mad at me for pointing out your foolish ways. I keep banging home no contact, and I often get ripped a new one for doing so. I get told I'm harsh, and that I'm too single-minded, and that sometimes it's a good thing to be more relaxed about it, and that breaking it does no harm, really.... I say bullschytt to that. If anything demonstrates that actually, I do have a point - this episode is it. Edited March 19, 2013 by TaraMaiden 3
TaraMaiden Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Why don't you leave it about 6 months and ask if she wants to meet. because if things are panning out as I suspect, in 6 months he'll still be feeling the same way..... You avatar says it in shedloads, sadly. As things stand, on this forum, it's bang-on accurate. I really wish I knew why.
Amelie1980 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 because if things are panning out as I suspect, in 6 months he'll still be feeling the same way..... You avatar says it in shedloads, sadly. As things stand, on this forum, it's bang-on accurate. I really wish I knew why. Yeah you're right....he probably won't be any better poor guy. Do you really think my avatar is correct? do you think it applys even if the guy did the dumping?
cavalier99 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 because if things are panning out as I suspect, in 6 months he'll still be feeling the same way..... You avatar says it in shedloads, sadly. As things stand, on this forum, it's bang-on accurate. I really wish I knew why. Hey Tara. Some of us guys ARE doing ok and SOME of the women have been having a really tough time even month and month later. I'm just not sure of the precise breakdown. Lol Cav
TaraMaiden Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Possibly. I don't know. If your question is a veiled question about your situation, I wouldn't like to say. But I have seen posts from guys who dumped, then regretted the decision. But there's no doubt that recovery records on this forum clearly show women have the leading edge.
cavalier99 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 (edited) Possibly. I don't know. If your question is a veiled question about your situation, I wouldn't like to say. But I have seen posts from guys who dumped, then regretted the decision. But there's no doubt that recovery records on this forum clearly show women have the leading edge. I think your right. Not sure why guys take longer and have tougher time in general. After getting dumped. Must be normal. BUT I do think that when guys finally get over it the extra suffering seems to slam to the door even harder on ever going back again for many of us once we hit indifference. At least that is my experience and observation. Maybe this is the reason. Ive noticed more woman can consider going back to a old RS years later more than a man can. Woman seem to move on faster but men seem to more completly move on. Just my experience and of course this is just general observation. Cav It wasn't a question just a statement lol Edited March 19, 2013 by cavalier99
Amelie1980 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Possibly. I don't know. If your question is a veiled question about your situation, I wouldn't like to say. But I have seen posts from guys who dumped, then regretted the decision. But there's no doubt that recovery records on this forum clearly show women have the leading edge. It kind of is. Because my ex didn't really have any reason to split with me...the only things were general relationship issues. We were going thru a rough patch and yes we did grow apart but redundancy and then ending up in hospital being very ill can do that..he stonewalled me and there was nothing I could do. He didn't even try to work it out. I should have listened to you Tara as a long time ago you told me not to date until I felt ready. I went on a couple of dates anyway & they sucked. Absolutely no chemistry and nothing in common. I went home crying on the train both times and decided to stop.I met my last guy online and I have never clicked so easily or had chemistry like it with anyone...nether had he. my point being lightening doesn't strike that often particularly among stranger. He did not start dating until the age of 34 and has only ever dated online. Perhaps he will find if he's gone online dating again that its hard to hit it off with someone. He did say when we split up that he felt sick at the thought of never seeing me again and that its likely to be his biggest regret....well I hope it is.
Author Coping Vortex Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 I think your right. Not sure why guys take longer and have tougher time in general. After getting dumped. Must be normal. BUT I do think that when guys finally get over it the extra suffering seems to slam to the door even harder on ever going back again for many of us once we hit indifference. At least that is my experience and observation. Maybe this is the reason. Ive noticed more woman can consider going back to a old RS years later more than a man can. Woman seem to move on faster but men seem to more completly move on. Just my experience and of course this is just general observation. Cav It wasn't a question just a statement lol I would agree with that. I have had more than a few women pop up years later but for me I would never go back.
Author Coping Vortex Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 There are some great sayings flying around at the moment, and some are attributed to Betty White (The Golden Girls). I have a feeling she probably didn't actually say this one - or maybe she did.... Anyway, 'she said' people shouldn't be told to grow some balls. Balls are soft and delicate and hurt like mad. They should be told to grow a vagina, because those can take a pounding and still come up smiling. Coping Vortex: Sorry pal. She did exactly the right thing. You've set yourself so far back you probably don't even know where square one is; but sadly, this is entirely self-inflicted. She was absolutely right in saying this is a bad idea, and to be honest, you really should feel like an idiot for even suggesting it. And don't get mad at me for pointing out your foolish ways. I keep banging home no contact, and I often get ripped a new one for doing so. I get told I'm harsh, and that I'm too single-minded, and that sometimes it's a good thing to be more relaxed about it, and that breaking it does no harm, really.... I say bullschytt to that. If anything demonstrates that actually, I do have a point - this episode is it. Miss negativity strikes again. Since I know what your advice will always be in the future why don't you just agree not to reply to my posts going forward. Save yourself the time. After your thousands of posts with the same broken record advice concentrate on new posters.
Author Coping Vortex Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 Of course she's scared. And I don't really get what you mean by the "last time I saw here be the last time I saw her" thing. Wouldn't that always be the case? But like the saying goes "Everything ends badly. If it didn't, it wouldn't end." Sucks you have to go through this, but ultimately I think this isn't nearly as bad of a thing as you think it is. I just didn't know it would have been the last time I would ever see her.
Author Coping Vortex Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 This is going to sound harsh, but you need to grow a set. Trust me, I know where you're coming from. I AM you! I wanted closure. My ex broke up with me through texting. That really sucked. I pestered her for weeks trying to get her to meet with me to say goodbye. It just made me look like a wimp. She went on plenty of fish three weeks after our break up saying that she wanted a REAL man for a change. Ouch. If I could do it all over again, I would have never texted her back right after she dumped me. But, I thought, we had something special. She secretly wants me to pursue her! I was an idiot. I gave her my balls. I should have just vanished. You should too. Although we both seemed to end up in the same pace I know my ex would not think of me as not having balls and she would never think of me as not being a real man. She knows otherwise. She appreciates a man who can express his feelings and trust me she craves attention. I know she still loves me for that. Although the end for both of us is the same not all women think the same. She didn't reject me because I wasn't a real man like your ex she did it out of loyalty for her new man. If my ex thought of me in that way she wouldn't even have responded.
Author Coping Vortex Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 Why don't you leave it about 6 months and ask if she wants to meet. I think at that point we both would be too far down road to open old wounds. The choices are not to communicate or to keep in touch. The latter would be the only way to see her in the future. But I know my ex when she gives someone her heart it will be for long term. Unless this guy up and dumps her I doubt she would want to meet up. But there was a two year gap where she was gone from my life and we did start up again. So anything is possible. All depends where her current relationship goes.
TaraMaiden Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Miss negativity strikes again. Since I know what your advice will always be in the future why don't you just agree not to reply to my posts going forward. Save yourself the time. After your thousands of posts with the same broken record advice concentrate on new posters. I will NEVER stop replying to your posts, or to anyone else's, even though you consider me to be 'Miss Negativity' (another title to add to 'wet Blanket', 'Queen of Mean, but in a good way' and 'Tell it like it is' woman.) And I'll tell you why. Because at one point or another, eventually, the person 'gets it'. You resent my contribution because no matter how I may say it, it's not what you want to hear. Pretty much everyone else has told you exactly the same thing though, so why single me out for the reproach? If you're mad, be mad at yourself for perpetuating your own predicament. I'm truly sad for you, too. But nothing will change, until you do.
na49 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I think you'd be willing to open up those wounds down the road with the pace you're going. That should worry you. We don't live in a romantic comedy, we don't get the ending we're looking for where we both hold each other one last time, make out, have sex, say good bye and get back together a week later and live happily ever after. She is loyal to her new man by not seeing you. She really doesn't owe you anything else at this point no matter how long you were together. Will this be enough to start pushing you in the right direction? You've been standing still for a while now, waiting for her to tell you what you want to hear. She hasn't, and every time she doesn't you get hurt more. You can wait for her to break up with her new man and hope she comes back to you forever if you want. That's not showing love for her though, that's showing a lack of love for yourself. You're not allowing yourself to move on. 5
js1967 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I read this link from this forum. Its brunt, but it reminded me to to be such a freakin' wimp and powerless. Helped me big time and helped me make the turn. Find the Balls my friend. Good luck http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion
Author Coping Vortex Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 I will NEVER stop replying to your posts, or to anyone else's, even though you consider me to be 'Miss Negativity' (another title to add to 'wet Blanket', 'Queen of Mean, but in a good way' and 'Tell it like it is' woman.) And I'll tell you why. Because at one point or another, eventually, the person 'gets it'. You resent my contribution because no matter how I may say it, it's not what you want to hear. Pretty much everyone else has told you exactly the same thing though, so why single me out for the reproach? If you're mad, be mad at yourself for perpetuating your own predicament. I'm truly sad for you, too. But nothing will change, until you do. No it's because you are in desperate need of attention. You want to boil everything down to black and white. And while you can blanket a relationship as to how it will end up its not always the case. Relationships my be somewhat predictable but people are not. So post away just do it on someone else's threads save yourself from wasting you time on my posts. But you won't because of ego. Do yourself a favor get some professional help and change your negative attitude on life. Learn some compassion. You are bitter as many have posted on here about you and you can't accept it. Take some advice from others for once and get some help. I wish you the best I really do but you really need to get help soon.
Author Coping Vortex Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 I think you'd be willing to open up those wounds down the road with the pace you're going. That should worry you. We don't live in a romantic comedy, we don't get the ending we're looking for where we both hold each other one last time, make out, have sex, say good bye and get back together a week later and live happily ever after. She is loyal to her new man by not seeing you. She really doesn't owe you anything else at this point no matter how long you were together. Will this be enough to start pushing you in the right direction? You've been standing still for a while now, waiting for her to tell you what you want to hear. She hasn't, and every time she doesn't you get hurt more. You can wait for her to break up with her new man and hope she comes back to you forever if you want. That's not showing love for her though, that's showing a lack of love for yourself. You're not allowing yourself to move on. You are right she doesn't owe me anything at all as I said in my original post. Just would have been nice since we were a part of each others lives for so long. Just doesn't seem right to walk away without a goodbye. if I knew her for a lot less time I agree it wouldn't make any sense. Its just that we have known each other for so long. It's weird to know I might never see her again. Part of it is she is loyal but knowing her as well as I do know part of it is that she will still feel some strong feelings for me. We did see each other a month or so ago and she hugged me kissed me and even had sex with me while she was seeing him. She is partly afraid she will feel that again. She feels a dedication to him now. She has low self esteem and he has pursued her relentlessly and her low self esteem plays into that in a big a way. She still wanted us to possibly work out up until a few weeks ago. But in the end she committed to him because he is the new toy and he played into her insecurities. Well played by him. I have accepted that but still wanted to see her again. She has meant the world to me and I wanted to look her right in the eyes one last time tell her i won't forget her and have her know i meant it. I always hated communicating over text or sometimes even over the phone. I believe communication is best face to face. That's just me. some people find it easier to hide behind other forms of communication. I think it takes way more balls to have a face to face conversation than a text or phone call. As far as being in the right direction I have been getting there. I had accepted she let go and chose him. Even though she wanted us to work out weeks ago I knew in my heart she was gone. Once I realized that I gave up and accepted it. In fact I asked her several times to see me to say goodbye and move on. It was my idea. It was her that said she wasn't giving up on us. I knew she wasn't coming back. I was confidant enough to let her go. Just wanted to do it in person. Doesn't matter now anyway.
TaraMaiden Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 No it's because you are in desperate need of attention. You want to boil everything down to black and white. And while you can blanket a relationship as to how it will end up its not always the case. Relationships my be somewhat predictable but people are not. So post away just do it on someone else's threads save yourself from wasting you time on my posts. But you won't because of ego. Do yourself a favor get some professional help and change your negative attitude on life. Learn some compassion. You are bitter as many have posted on here about you and you can't accept it. Take some advice from others for once and get some help. I wish you the best I really do but you really need to get help soon. :lmao: Well, I'm not going to point out - with evidence - of how wrong you are, and where, but it's good that for a change your focus is off her, and on something else, and it's good you have anger. That tells me, better than anything, that you do have what it takes to heave yourself out of the doldrums. More power to you. And if you have what it takes - use it to your advantage.
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